"Wild Hogs [Abridged Version]"
-Open on scene of 4 men riding motorcycles down a suburban street set against a classic rock soundtrack. These are Doug, Woody, Bobby, and Dudley.
-Doug, Woody, and Bobby are cool. Dudley falls down.
MONTAGE OF CHARACTER INTRODUCTIONS
-30-seconds of Doug failing to be an effective father and husband.
-30 more seconds showing the monotony of Doug's high-paying but dull Dentist profession.
-Bobby is black. He has a controlling wife and annoying kids, who are never seen again.
-Dudley fails at hitting on a girl due to a hilarious and clever circumstance involving coffee and a computer. Dudley falls down.
-Woody has lost his supermodel wife and is now penniless. He is so short that he cannot pay the neighborhood lawn raking child 10 dollars to rake his extremely large lawn. This is funny because he yells at a small child for not doing a lot of work.
END CHARACTER INTRODUCTIONS
-Scene starring Doug where he continues to be a failure.
-Establishing scene in which the idea of a cross-country road-trip comes up. Woody leaves in a fit of anger at his three closest friends because they cannot leave their jobs, families and lives to go on a road-trip with his friend they don't know is now completely alone. This is funny because it suggests that Woody is frustrated with life, as are all the other men, thus giving them motive to leave their jobs, families and lives for a cross-country road trip.
-Sequence of group riding motorcycles down a common street set against a classic rock soundtrack. Dudley falls down.
-The group sets off, throwing away their technology and cell phones, because there's no way 4 suburban middle-aged men could come across any kind of trouble while riding motorcycles across the United States. Dudley screws up.
-Sequence of group riding motorcycles across a great distance set against a classic rock soundtrack. Hilarity ensues.
-Scene with the group camping, and due to a hilarious and yet believable accident involving a flaming marshmallow, the flame-retardant camping gear goes up in flames. Dudley throws a bucket of lighter fluid onto the fire thinking it's water. This is funny because it sets a good example and makes a good point.
-Scene where, due to a hilarious serious of unpredictable mix-ups, a cop believes the group to be gay lovers. The punchline here is that the cop is gay. This is funny because gay people are socially awkward and funny to laugh at because they are gay.
-Sequence of group riding motorcycles across a great distance set against a classic rock soundtrack. Not too much hilarity ensues, but this is for effect, because we want to give the audience a break from all the hilarity that has already ensued.
-Scene in a biker bar. We meet Jack. He's a bad man who's not afraid to yell at 4 ineffectual men who have unwittingly crossed into his territory. There is another biker in the group, the Del Fuegos, who is large and stupid, and wants to rape Bobby. This is funny because many large, stupid male bikers want to rape random people.
-The group is chased out of the bar and is sent home. Woody stops and goes back, covertly sneaking around the bar and cutting the gas lines on the Del Fuegos' bikes, and stealing back Dudley's lost bike. This is funny because you should always cut gas lines in areas featuring many gas tanks and chain smokers.
-The group deems Woody a hero due to his casual lying about what really happened. This is funny because best friends should always lie to one another when there is no real reason to.
-They continue back in their original intended direction. The Del Fuegos give chase but soon discover that their gas lines have been cut. Jack unknowingly drops his cigarette and the bar explodes. This is funny because large explosions featuring many near deaths are inherently funny and belong in a good comedy.
-Woody is the only one to see the explosion, and he does not tell the others, nor redeem his lie. They merely continue, and due to Woody's being rushed by the inevitable incoming swarm of angry killer bikers, they don't fill up on gas and run out in the middle of the desert. This is funny because it is original and has never been done in Spaceballs or any other classic comedy.
-A little while down the road, perhaps after four hours or so of walking in the desert, the group finds a small town and goes there for cool sustenance. We meet Maggie, the waitress. Dudley instantly falls in love, but stumbles in his speech because he is neurotic and socially impotent. This is funny because no one is like this in real life and this original depiction of an interesting comic relief character is original and funny.
-The group decides to spend the night in the town for the Chile Cook-Off. The promise of fun to be had is made by Charley, the town Sheriff, as he spins the yarn of how last year someone's throat started to bleed. This is funny.
-The group decides to go Bull Slapping, which is, amazingly, exactly what it sounds like. The group are attacked by the bull and two of them are very nearly killed in horrific yet hilarious attacks not seen on screens since 2006's Nacho Libre. This is funny because it shows how being rammed from behind by a rampaging bull is not only safe, but funny, too, and all your friends should try it.
-The Del Fuegos, mad at the loss of their precious desert biker bar, which a great biker had built there, in the before time, in the long long ago, decide to plot revenge. They send out bikers to all neighboring towns and two of them find their way to the current setting. They could end our protagonists' lives by themselves, but are instructed by Jack, via telephone, not to harm them in any way. So, in an unpredictable turn of events, Bobby, confident that they will not harm him for fear of the lawsuit Woody told them they would receive [note: this never actually happened], decides to squirt mustard and ketchup in their faces, and splash beer on them. This is funny because it is inventive, and has never ever been done before in movies.
-Throughout the last few scenes, Dudley has fallen, broken something, or stumbled at least 5 times. Dudley is a lovable character.
-The group is the hit of the party, and the town loves them. Dudley has gotten the proverbial girl and all seems right, except to Woody, who knows that the band of enraged bikers is coming very soon to kill them and destroy the town, but he doesn't say anything to his friends or the denizens of the town because he's a believable character who cares more about protecting his own image than the safety of 500 people. A touchingly tragic idea for a film so rich in laughter, and one ripe for family discussion.
-The next day, the Del Fuegos arrive. It took them a day because it only took the protagonists 4 hours by foot, and walking is faster than motorcycling. The stage is set for a climactic showdown, as Woody details the truth of his lies to the group. Dudley is kidnapped, and is going to be put to death by savage, helpless beating in a matter of minutes unless our protagonists can materialize $50,000. This is funny because it is understandable that a group of bikers may not comprehend the amount of money that 50,000 dollars is, despite riding, together, approximately 1,000,000 dollars worth of heavy transportational machinery.
-The three remaining members of the crew attempt an epic rescue mission, which would save Dudley but leave the town effectively unguarded and doomed, but this doesn't matter.
-The rescue mission fails, and the next 10 minutes feature Dudley, Woody, Bobby and Doug being savagely beaten, and repeatedly standing back up. This impresses the town and they decide to bring all their baseball bats and clubs and maces and axes and chain saws and flamethrowers out to face the group of 50. This does nothing to impede them, but incredibly, and totally unexpectedly, the great old biker who built the bar that burned down emerges. He convinces Jack and his men to let the boys go, because he is being a "Poser." Jack responds, "Okay, Pop." This twist is incredible and will surely blow any of the audience's collective minds that haven't already been blown.
-The town saved, and our boys heroes, Bobby's wife shows up at an opportune moment to give her boy hell. While screaming at her hubby, Bobby mildly raises his tone of voice to silence her, and tells her that she is talking at him, and that she should stop and give him a little love. She agrees and their marital difficulties are henceforth voided. This is believable because all serious relationship issues can be solved by the male raising his voice.
-The group say goodbye and continue on their way to the Pacific coast. They ride off into the sunset. Dudley falls. The audience erupts in uproarious laughter.
-The group make it to their destination and oggle the pretty young beach girls. It looks as if Dudley is going to fall, but then everyone else falls and Dudley laughs, solidifying Wild Hogs as the most supremely audience-manipulating comedy of this millenium.
Review / Impressions
Wild Hogs is horrible. It is the least funny, least inventive, least original, least entertaining, most annoying, most stupifying [did I even spell that right? Jesus...], lousy, awful, horrendous comedy I have ever seen in a theater. My brother and I honestly wanted to leave 30 minutes in, but I knew that if we did I could never bring this review to you fine people. I have made a promise to myself that, since I lasted through Wild Hogs, no other movie will ever make me leave the theater. I know that I can make it through anything.
Here are some things that are more funny than Wild Hogs:
A Budweiser commercial.
One ineffective flatulation.
A bobby pin.
And I'm seriously considering saying "Carlos Mencia."
I implore you all to never see this film. Don't see it in the theater. Don't buy it on DVD. Don't buy it on HD-DVD, or Blu-Ray. Don't rent it from Netflix or Blockbuster or anywhere else. Don't download it. If you feel you have to see it, please, make sure you are paid handsomely. I have never seen a greater waste of talent in my life, and I include The Wicker Man '06 in that statement (which, actually, was vastly more entertaining film than Wild Hogs).
I did not laugh once in the theater. Not ONCE. No other movie can I say that about. In fact, every time the audience laughed, I felt dumber being around them. Hell, even the trailer for Will Ferrel/Jon Heder Iceskating Comedy made me laugh once, nervously. I felt that if I laughed at anything in Wild Hogs I would feel like I had to go to Hell.
Don't see this movie. Don't think about this movie. Forget this movie exists, I beg you. If there is ever a Wild Hogs 2, I swear to God, I will hunt down every living soul who bought a ticket (including my brother, who basically forced me to see it by not wanting to see Zodiac - like an a***ole), and remove their respective abilities to reproduce. I beg you...
Don't see Wild Hogs.