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Author Topic: Super Porcupine Omelette, Extended Edition Alternate Ending  (Read 3448 times)
Doc Daneeka
The Game is Finished?
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
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It's neVer over!


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« on: September 25, 2007, 06:14:12 AM »

2 months Several months have passed since every copy of the first full interactive B-Movie Super Porcupine Omelette http://www.badmovies.org/forum/index.php/topic,113110.0.html was burned in a fire set by mad producer Clockwork Canary. Since then we have been able to recover every single scene... save for reel 6 and the end, so we ignored reel 6 and replaced the end with mad producer Clockwork Canary's beloved "it's all just a dream" ending.
Now, 4 minutes ago I found, and will now present to you, in a Mr. Briggs Inc.'s birthday special, the real, hyperelongated ending!
-----------------------------
Jin runs down the corridor, Wiki's hairclip in hand. Meanwhile Donald, carrying three-arms, and Wikipe-Tan continue to walk away, the latter two in great pain

Jin(offscreen): DONALD!

Donald and co. pause for a second, Wikipe-Tan looking worried, then dash back down the corridor

Jin: Get back here "Big Boss"!

Out of the blue, Jin is ambushed by about a dozen Jelly-Infected doomtroopers, one we recognize as private Vomitrag. Jin has no time for such trifles and easily re-kills all of them with his bare hand and flipper mimicking Master Baytes. As he moves on, more of these close in on him, which he all kills in the same manner as the first group, but the onslaught continues and all fall to the power of the penguin martial art. It is after this that Jin sees Donald Prime and Wikipe-Tan looking on at him in the corridor, the latter wills the puzzle piece out of Jin's hand and back to her head

Donald: Farewell Mr. Jin...

Donald retreats in to the passage as Wikipe-Tan's clips hover back into battle position and fly towards Jin

CUT TO THE SURFACE AGAIN, THE BATTLE STILL RAGES. JASMINE TALKS TO THE OTHERS

Celeste/Baytes: You're insane!

Jasmine: I don't care, I don't want Jin to face this alone. I know this is our destiny, what we were born, put together, for!

Celeste/Baytes: But you'll be facing this alone too!

Ash: No she won't!

*group gasp*

Ash: I'll go with her!

*Group gasp*

Ash: And so will Menard!

*group gasp*

Menard: What? Oh hell no!

Aaron: Wait a damn minute! You're going back into the core of Europa, with them? That's worse than going alone, I still don't trust these freaks!

Volga: Then I'll protect her!

*group gasp*

Volga: I also have a loved one I wish to find, we'll find them together!

Jasmine: Thank you Volga. I hope to see you all soon

Jasmine and co. walk into the small passage to the core. Meanwhile, Wikipe-Tan is slowly chipping away at Jin with the hairclips, whose hands cannot grab on as easily to the puzzle-pieces in their flippery state

Wikipe-Tan: I deal with facts Jin, and it can be seen from any good neutral viewpoint that you cannot stand up to me!

Clip 1 fires at Jin, who catches the thing in his human hand, clip 2 however shoots at him and knocks it away, causing red static between the two, leaving a surprised Jin

Wikipe-Tan: You have no chance to survive, make your time!

Wikipe-Tan fires the clips at Jin again. Jin latches on to one, the other cuts his arm. Wiki tries her best to will the first one back, but Jin simply comes forward and attempts to slam hairclip 1 into hairclip 2. Wiki retaliates using a force field to push him back. She sends her second hairclip forward again for the kill, but it is blocked by Jin who thrusts the first threateningly forward. More red static, the hairclips repel eachother, knocking Jin to the ground, but he hangs on to the one in his hand. As Jin gets up, Wikipe-Tan, surrounded by more red electricity, worriedly steps backwards and begins to run into another passage, but is blocked by Odinn7, who steps into the corridor and snatches Wikipe-Tan's other hairclip from her head!

Odinn: Need some help?

Jin nods. Odinn 7 motions toward the puzzle piece

Odinn: This is what you want right?

Jin nods. Odinn7 walks towards Jin and struggle to put the pieces together. As they connect them, a gunshot-like *POP* sounds. The two pieces fade to black, and similarily so does Wikipe-Tan, before she falls over with a hollow *clang*

Jin: Odinn, you're alive!

Odinn7 shakes his head up and down happily

Jin: And the others?

Odinn: They're dead Jin, all but me and Jarrod, dead. We lost track of Reynolds (Slater) and his crew.

Jin: So you two are the only backup I have?

Jarrod enters

Jarrod: 'Fraid so

Jin: More than I came in with. Cover my sides

Jin, Jarrod, and Odinn7 run down the corridor to Donald... and Dehoven

TOPSIDE. THINGS ARE BECOMING INCREASINGLY WORSE WITH EUROPA'S STABILITY

BACK UNDERGROUND, WE SEE JASMINE, VOLGA, MENARD, AND ASH MAKING THEIR WAY THROUGH THE TUNNELS THEMSELVES

Jasmine (hysterical): Jin! Where are you? I need you!

Ash: Hey, calm down! He's not here, screaming will get you no-

Voice: IT'LL GET HER ME!

Like a flash, both Ash and Menard are knocked back, Volga draws her sword only to see-

Brando!: I'm safe Volga, Jasmine. I don't know about Jin.

Volga: Marlon!

Jasmine: Brando! I-I heard from Jin only minutes ago! He's down here with us!

Brando: He's with Aaron

solemn head shake from Jasmine

Brando: Baytes?

solemn shake from Volga

Jasmine: He's going after your brother-- the big boss! *Sob!* ALONE!

Brando: Oh no...

Ash: Excuse me... are you THE Marlon Brando?

Brando: ...

Volga: Yes, he is

Brando: And you are Crigta's head priest

Ash: Dehoven is Crigta's new head priest now

Menard: And his orgy master... lol

Ash: Lord Brando, let's kick ass

Brando: Quickly now!

Quick tremor, and the 5 dash down the tunnel. Meanwhile in the other tunnel, Jin, Odinn, and Jarrod come to a screeching halt, ahead them lies a reasonably huge doorway with a foreboding glow coming from inside

Odinn7: We made it!

Jarrod: s**t yeah!

Odinn7: Okay boys, we did good, but that's no reason to get cocky, we have to take down the fricken' MONSTER HUNTER!

Odinn7: Before we go, I've got something to ask you

Jin: Yeh?

Odinn7: That necklace of yours looks commonplace enough, but I can't shake the feeling it has some special significance to it, does it?

Jin: Yeh. It's a long and painful tale, but I wouldn't mind sharing it with you. I'll have to remember that after this is over

Odinn7: What about now?

Jin: Why now?

Odinn7: I might not make it back

Jin: Yes you will!

Odinn7: But just to be on the safe side!

Jin: Sure, we probably have enough time.

rumble

Jin: I was born into a family of adventurers, heroes, those types of guys, just a family with a huge chain of coincidences attatched

Odinn7: You?

Jin: Ever heard of Maine Gregorowicz?

Odinn7: No-- wait! Yes! He's a reasonably famous archaeologist known for his daring exploits!

Jin: He's my brother

Odinn7: No way! He's almost as cool as Indiana Jones, and even cooler than Omar whatshisname!

Jin: He was the firstborn of my parents, next came twins who were just as talented as he was, except one was evil. One day while they were training, she ran away and the other ran after her to attempt to bring her back to her senses. I was 10 when it happened and I never fully understood it, I was never in to the training for heroism thing, I was part of the 25% of my family tree that was normal, and unlike Maine, I was a wuss boy. Of course that was until I was 13, when I discovered my own "talent" of turning into a werepenguin whenever the moon was full... or I was "aroused". My family tried everything to get this in control, hypnotherapy, Asian mysticism, massage, mad science. Eventually my father sent me off to Master Jack Baytes for training, like my siblings before me.

Odinn7: So is this the "necklace" part?

Jin: Yes. But Master Baytes knew what I know now, I am not as "good" as the others, so he instead turned my attention to watching b-movies. I was hooked up in the back room of the studio with the rest of the lazy kids, which is where I first heard of Joel Hodgson. Who I was surprised to find out that not he, but Mike Nelson, was teaching a comedy class in the general area! I would go there religiously every day after school, which is where the man tought me one of the only two things I know how to do proficiently today: make the worst movies seem almost fairly interesting

Odinn7: What's the other thing, kicking ass?

Jin: Dancing. But that I just picked up during my general high school experience. Meanwhile my father wants another child, and mom says no, especially since she already had one good one, one decent one, one that was probably doing some good somewhere, and a not so good one. She ran away and disappeared, and I took off after her. Each day I can't help but feel responsible... for betraying the family honor. I'm no better than the bad twin.

Odinn7: Well I bet if they saw you now, they'd change their outlook, you're about to save the world Jin

Jin: I don't think so... but if I do I know what I'll do next!

Odinn7: What?

Jin: I'll tell you, if you make it out alive.

Odinn7: Before we go, I have one question, what happened to your mom? She didn't die...

Jin: Naw, she's not dead.

Odinn7: then what happened?

Jin: I dunno, but she called me just days ago to tell me to pick up the groceries and told me a cryptic message about Darth Brando

Odinn7: And that's the first time you've heard from her in?

Jin: Weeks. Kinda random

Odinn7: You know, Brando isn't really evil

Jin: Yeah, whatever, but mother knows best

Odinn7: No Jin, now you know best. Let's go reclaim that family honor!

Donald (offscreen): Hahahaha... BOOOOYYYYY!!!!!

Donald appears, and wraps his hand around Jarrod's neck

Jarrod: Ghk... run...

Jin turns to fight, Odinn7 grabs him back

Odinn7: We don't have time!

Odinn7 runs into the cave, Jin follows. They find Dehoven pushing the last cute little thingy into the pit

Dehoven: You're too late! AAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!

Jin: damn!

Odinn7: It was unavoidable

Don Prime runs in after our heroes, Jarrod in his hand, as the pit begins to glow

Odinn7: Close your eyes!

From the pit emanates a HUGE flash, blinding Dehoven who didn't listen to Odinn, and three-arms, who just isn't lucky

3-arms: s**t! My f&^kin' eyes!!!

Dehoven: CRIIIGTAAAA!!!!

Blood flows from the pit, and out crawls Crigta, a charcoal gray monstrosity played by the legs of Richard Kiel, the arms (4 of 'em, 2 are Kiel's) of Michael Clark Duncan, and the head played by putting a large mask over the body of Deep Roy. His only clothing is a loincloth, pulsating slightly as Richard Kiel Breathes

Crigta: I- AM- NOT- SATISFIED

Dehoven: A-are you there? Sorry for the small sacrifices, I was running out of time. You can have these meddling a***oles for food! Take Donald Prime first, he has no respect for you or me! Then that bastard werepenguin! He's a bastard!

Crigta steps forward towards Donald, who is furious

Donald: DEHOVEN! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!

Dehoven telekinetically fires Jarrod forward like a railgun into Crigta, not affecting him but blowing Jarrod to bits

Dehoven (facing the wall): YOU'll pay now!

3-arms: Is something happening? I want to make Donald pay too!

Odinn7: How do we beat... that??

Jin: I don't know! I suck at everything but dancing and riffing movies!

Odinn7: No! Look, you've made it this far, and you can make it even farther! Go Jin go!

Jin falls to the floor,

Jin charges forward to face Crigta, who bats him out of the way with one arm. On the floor, Jin proceeds to kick his powerful semi-webbed feet. He rockets forward over the painful terrain. Hitting Crigta's foot at breakbeak speed, but not really doing any damage (except to Richard Kiel). Jin then tries to powerjump off the walls to confuse Crigta and land on his head

Deep Roy: Ow!

Michael Clarke Duncan: Shh!

Crigta reponds by hitting  his head on the ceiling and throwing  Jin off to the ground

Jin: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. I am out of ideas

Odinn7: No you're not, go think of something!

Odinn7 pushes Jin back to his feet. Out of ideas, Jin begins to dance madly

Crigta: Is this what humans... or penguin... wolf... humans... have been reduced to in the time I was asleep? I.... am.... disgusted!

Odinn7: The dancing! It's weakening him!

Crigta slaps Jin backward into Odinn7

Odinn7: This is hopeless!

Jin: Yeh.

Odinn7: So what the hell can we do??!?!!?

Jin gets up again, ready for another useless attack, when

Voice offscreen: I know exactly what we can do!

Trevor walks into the room, riding the tyrannasaurus and leading Christian Slater and his 3rd of the platoon. Trevor wields 6 golden spatulas strapped to his body!

Jin: Trevor! You're alive! You're here!

Brando, Volga, Jasmine, Menard, and Ash burst in from another door

Brando: We're here!

Then Poogie enters from another door, holding her spatula

Poogie: We're all here!

Jin: What about Aaron and Master Baytes?

Brando: Oh yeah, they stayed on the surface... You're looking bad, Jin

Jin: That which does not kill me makes me stronger

Brando: All fight and no zen makes Jin spiritually unfinished

Jin: Was that supposed to be a play on The Shining?

Brando: No. Try this.

Brando snags a spatula from Trevor and gives it to Jin, who upon touching the cooking instrument starts to glow and turns more human again

Brando: It shall be easier with this

Crigta: Not the spatulasssss!!!!!!!! My minions, destroy them!

Dehoven tries, but ends up running into a wall

Crigta: My high priest, what are you waiting for!?

Ash: I don't see any high priest around here!

Menard: Can I still be an orgy master?

Ash: You've been screwing us over all these years, Crigta, making us do all the dangerous work! We've seen the light now

Brando: Now is the time to redeem yourselves

Trevor hands Crigta's former goon squad two spatulas

Ash: It is an honor to fight under your command

Menard: Whaaat??? I thought you were going to fight for us!

Brando: We shall all fight! I will protect you

Crigta: Brando you method-commanding bastard!

Ash: Chaaaaarge!

Menard: I'll go later

While Crigta has his back turned, Jin rams his spatula into Crigta's back!

Crigta: GaAAAaaAAAh!

Brando: Jin! The chakra points! Hit the chakra ponts!

Jin: What? Where?

Brando: Lower!

Jin takes the spatula and hits crigta's loinclothed ass

Brando: Higher! Just slightly!

Ash: screw it!

Ash runs behind Jin, knocking him out of the way and hits the true point, embedding the spatula in it

Crigta: BGaaaahhhh!!!!!!!

Jin: Damn! Where's the next one?

Brando: The lower abdomen!

Jin: Right!

Menard: I got it!

Menard shoots forward, penetrating the second chakra point

Crigta: IT BUUUUURNS!!!!

Menard: DUH! Ha! I got it! I got it, I got it!

With this, Crigta crushes Menard with one arm

Jin: Aww, I'm worthless...

Odinn7: I thought we already got over that!

Ash: Help me, Jin!

Jin: Oh, what's the point

Crigta then procedds to breath fire for the only timein the movie and melt Ash to the wall

Odinn7: Oh, squirrel! Jin, dammit the film's almost over, we can't have you spiraling into these bouts of depression during the climax!

Jasmine: Odinn, how long has he been doing this?

Odinn7: Basically every minute he wasn't killing something...

Jasmine: s**t... Is that so?

Jin just sulks

Jasmine: Ok, Double-Odinn, this is how it works!

Brando: Doomtroopers! Keep fighting Crigta silently in the background.

Jasmine: JIN, you pathetic, whining excuse for a solar soldier, get the hell up!

Jin sulkily does so

Jasmine: Now stop all this s**t about being tortured by inadequecy for the sake a of a dramatic plot device, are you forgetting that a few hours ago you would have gladly fought any menace to the death... for me. And that was before you went all crazy half-penguin. Why not now?

Jin: I failed, I couldn't stop it! I couldn't stop Crigta!

Jasmine: Jin, it's not too late, just look!

Jin: But they're being swatted like flies!

Jasmine: Of course, but you won't, unlike them you have a discernable personality, and for the record, whining goes against it.

Jin: Discernable personality? Dramatic plot device?

Jasmine: Break through Jin, it's destiny, and good destiny, it's the only way you can be the hero

Jin: I don't get it!

Jasmine: The laws of Bad Movies! has Baytes taught you nothing during your special training?

Jin: I was his worst student... hey were you one of his students or not?

Jasmine: I will reveal all... in the sequel...

Jin: What? Why are you talking weird all of a sudden?

Jasmine: But do this... for now... for your heritage...

Jin: But I can't!

Just then, a giant rock crushes Jasmine's lower half

Jin: Jasmine! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jasmine: Jin... *cough* ...do it for me!

Jin: Jasmine, hold on! I think I might be able to do it now! Just hold on!

inspiring/triumphant music begins to blare as Jin stands erect like a half-human-half-penguin action hero. Trevor throws him two more spatulas. Crigta has smashed all the soldiers with the exception of Slater when he hears an abnormally loud finger-snap, he turns to see Jin facing him, giving up the element of surprise

Jin: Get away from him, you b***h!

Jin and Crigta take to fighting, each dealing bone-crushing blows, by some cosmic plot device Jin manages to strike with certainty the next chakra point, Crigta screams in terror

TOPSIDE, THE JACKAL DASHES LIKE A MANIAC ACROSS THE BATTLEFIELD WHEN HE ENCOUNTERS NONE OTHER THAN A p**sED-OFF AARON IN STONE FORM

Aaron: Damn, this looks like my lucky day!

Aaron makes a grab for Jackal when the ground begins to rumble, and Aaron falls halfway through the terrain

Jackal: Au revoir, bobo!

The jackal runs out of the throneroom to find the landing pad and Dale's Dead Bug ship, the giant queen ant model on top, powering up for takeoff. The Jackal looks in the rear window

Jackal: let me in you dingus or I'll have to kick your derriere!

Dale: hell no, I'd have to take my logo off the top to acheive enough ballast per fuel effieciency

The Jackal raises his rifle to Dale's head

Dale: Wing-O! Is that a genuine article?! I'll take that pretty thing along if you want

Jackal cocks the gun

Jackal: How about I take it along?

Dale: G'ih! Umm, okay, I think we may have little enough weight to make it home IF we dis-robe

The Jackal climbs on top of the ship and begins to kick the metal ant off

Dale: Or you could ride up top if-! g'ih...

BACK ON THE BATTLEFIELD, MASTER BAYTES KILLS BADDIE AFTER BADDIE, HE STOPS WHEN HE FINDS THAT ONE OF THE SLAIN EVIL TABLE LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE VINCENT SCHIAVELLI. HE LOOKS AT THE FRESH-LOOKING CORPSE, PONDERING. FINALLY HIS SOULD EXITS CELESTE AND TAKES OVER THE BODY ON THE GROUND.

Baytes/Vincent: Much better! Celeste, are you okay?

Celeste: Jin! where's Jin?

Baytes/Vincent: He went off... to fight Crigta... by himself

Celeste: Jiiiiin!!!! And Jasmine?

Baytes: Ran after him.

Celeste: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Celeste runs off into the corridors

Baytes: women...

Aaron: Wait Baytes! I'll save you!

Baytes: What? No, Aaron, it is-

BAYTES' POV AS THER UNKNOWING AARON'S FIST CLOSES IN ON HIS FACE

BACK IN CRIGTA'S UNDERGROUND LAIR

While Jin carefully dodges Crigta's blows, Odinn7 sneaks up from behind and gets his necks with a spatula! Crigta reacts by smashing Odinn against his back to the wall.

Odinn: Don't worry... I'll live... I need to hear ther rest of your mixed-up story...

Jin: ODI *cough* IINN!!!

Crigta grabs Jin in one hand, leaving Jin only enough room to free his right flipper and point the spatula at Crigta, who is instantly repulsed by the object

Crigta: It seems like you are faced with a choice, sir, your life, or my possible destruction, would you make that sacrifice, so that others may destroy m-

at that moment, Trevor rides behind Crigta on the T-Rex and hacks into the top of his head with his spatula! Crigta retaliates, smashing the T-Rex and half of Trevor. Trevor fortunately is not too affected, being a zombie.

T-Rex: What'd I do??

Now Jin holds the final key to destroying Crigta indefinitely

Jin: It looks like you are faced with a choice, your life-

Crigta: I can get you anything!

Jasmine has not indeed held on, lying bloody in two halves

Jin: Your life... or Jasmine's!

Crigta: I can restore her to you forever... All I want is your-

Jin: You can have your own god-damn soul if you bring her back to life!

Crigta looks at Jin awkwardly, and reaches out to Jasmine, with a glow of ethereal light, Jasmine wakes up, halves together, healed

Jin: Jasmine!

Jasmine: IIiiiii waaannnt yoourrr braaaaiiiinnnn!!!!!!

Jin: You bastard!

Crigta: You see, you never specified-

Jin points the spatula directly at Crigta's forehead, menacingly

Jin: Make her normal!

Crigta: OKAY, OKAY!

another, different colored glow, as Jasmine returns to her senses

Jasmine: Jin! you, you saved me! ...but what about you?

Jin: It's okay, I got off without a hitch, he's a chicken.

Crigta: How dare y-

Jin: Yeah, and bring back Odinn7 too

Odinn: No, seriously, I'm okay. That was one heck of a story

Jin: Oh, okay. Now bring back the goat-skull guy, the orgy dude-

Crigta poutingly obeys, bringing back Ash and Menard

Brando: And Clockworkcanary's good twin!

Jin: Who? ..and Jarrod

Clockwork Canary's good side magically comes back, but not Jarrod, to which Crigta simply replies:

Crigta: Who?

Jin: Nevermind, I don't remember either. Errrmmm... Give back Master Baytes his old body too, would you?

Like implausibility, a new Baytes appears topside beside the Schiavelli body, just as Aaron punches the latter dead

Baytes: Whew!

Aaron: What the heck?

Baytes: Never mind, we've gotta get below!

BACK DOWNSIDE

Jin: yeah, and let me go.

Crigta: Sure, I'll "let you go" Muhahahahaaaa!!!!!!!

Crigta responds by tossing Jin aside like a paper airplane

Jasmine: Jin!

Jin: Just fine!

Brando: Hurry! Finish him off!

Jin: No. I gave him my word that I wouldn't-

Odinn7: Technically, you didn't actually-

Jin: I'm not some jackass getting off on a technicality!

Brando: You are learning!

Crigta: ROOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

Brando: but still, how can we stop Crigta from... taking over the world?

Jin: dang... Maybe I will just this once-

At that moment, the last spatula is pulled from Jin's hand, like a magnet! It jets through the air and lands in the hands of...

Crigta: Excellent!

Donald Prime.

Crigta: You can kill me now Donald, or even better you can joi-

Donald: F... U!

Donald compels the spatula through the air again, it pierces the sky, and lands directly in Crigta's final Chakra!

Crigta: n-n-n-

Jin: Ohhh, shizzzz...

Crigta: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With this, Crigta splits into Deep Roy, Michael Clarke Duncan, and Richard Kiel, who, in a display of where the special effects budget went, shrivel into ghastly skeletal shapes spurting blood from every pore and orifice, and are sucked back into the bloody Crigta pit, where the blood turns a deep black, and rapidly sinks

Jasmine: ...What I meant to say earlier was, you should have made him lift the werepenguin curse

Jin: Who cares? I am happier now than I have ever been...

Volga: Half-penguin in the revolting core of Europa surrounded by dead doomtroopers?

Jin: WHO CARES? No more Crigta, Jasmine levels: just fine!

Donald: What about the Donald Prime Factor?

group gasp, except for Brando

Brando: Not anymore... You are now... Donald MINOR

Donald: You'll pay!

Brando: You would go against all of us? I must contest, you... and what army?

Donald: My armies span the solar system!

Brando: Not anymore, all you have is me... brother.

Donald: Nev, errrr!

Brando: I will welcome you back with open arms, if we may make peace.

Donald: I am not your brother!

Brando: Then you have just lost your last relation in this world.

Donald: I am still powerful!

Brando: your power means nothing now, your own men do not even respect you anymore.

Donald: yes well, what about *gurgle* a-about *gurgle-guyrgle* WHAT-ABOU--*GLURG*

We zoom out to see that 3-Arms, maimed, blind, but alive, has found Donald's old dagger, and when he wasn't paying attention, slit his master's throat. Donald, drowning in blood and madness, falls to the floor, crushing 3-Arms under him

Dehoven: what happened? Am I ruler of the Heavens yet??

Brando: No, all that is ahead of you is servitude in hell...

We see through Dehoven's POV, E.G. totally black. With a single grunt the black turns red. As we switch to third person, we see Brando has hit Dehoven with a single blow to the gut, killing him near-instantly. With the soft thud of Dehoven hitting the ground, an earthquake is triggered!
« Last Edit: October 04, 2007, 05:44:29 PM by Mr. Briggs Inc. » Logged


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Doc Daneeka
The Game is Finished?
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 168
Posts: 1849


It's neVer over!


WWW
« Reply #1 on: September 25, 2007, 06:16:34 AM »

Brando: ...It is too late... Europa can no longer sustain itself.

Jin: It can't be too late! This isn't supposed to be that sad of a movie!

Brando: Do not worry, this planet was long a hollow shell of itself, these caves alone are symbolic proof of this, it is the people on this planet that make it what it is, and as long as there is will, there is a way.

The corpse of Donald falls through the floor, so does that of Dehoven. Jin falls as well, but is saved by Jasmine! Our heroes begin to escape the Crigta room, but Jin halts in pain before he can get out of the door! We see Donald's dagger, still held by a barely alive three-arms has impaled Jin's orange foot!

Jin: Guys!

Brando: Jin!

3-arms: Did I get something good?!

Before the others can help Jin, the entrance is sealed off!

Jin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! *sigh*

Jasmine: No, we must save him!

Brando: We must hurry if we wish to save ourselves and the slaves of Europa!

Jasmine: But what about him, he's saved us all!

Brando: Don't worry, if he is as I think he is, he shall find a way!

Jasmine: What if he's not?!

Brando: I am 99% sure he is!

Jin can hear Brando, but the others can't hear Jin

Jin: No I'm not! Heeeelllllppp!!!!

Jasmine: Please let him be right...

The others run, Jasmine is hesitant, but follows

INSIDE THE SEALED CRIGTA ROOM

Jin power-kicks three-arms through the roof, which, just Jin's luck, is filled with flood waters, all that flood the Crigta room very rapidly. Jin's aquatic-ness allows him to swim up to the next room, and the next, the latter mercifully un-flooded, but their is another hazard...

Three-arms: w-where are weeee...??

Voice: Your tomb...

Jin: It can't be!

CHUCK NORRIS!

Jin: s**t! s**t, s**t, s**t....

Norris: Did you think that a simple decapitation could do it? It would take a GOD to beat me!

A lightbulb goes on in Jin's head, suddenly he swins downwards, pursued by the man-monster. Chuck swims into darkness, as suddenly Jin ascends, carrying a singular spatula! Jin manages to get past Norris. Norris, however is faced with a very angry Crigta... Jin is nearly pulled in by the whirlpool generated by the fight, but manages to get away in time

IN THE TUNNELS, BRANDO, VOLGA, JASMINE, ODINN, ASH, MENARD, POOGIE, TREVOR, AND SLATER RUN INTO AARON AND BAYTES

Brando: I see you're all all right

Baytes: You too, except for... Jin! Where is Jin?

Brando: Fighting for his life

Aaron: What? You all managed to get out, the unimportant henchmen and sidekick types got out,

Menard: Unimportant my ass! When's the last time you had a significant line?

Aaron: Hey, I'm Jin's soul brotha! The Slater cameo got out

Slater: I refused to sign if they killed me onscreen

Aaron: Even that one random squirrel soldier got away, but you couldn't save the *super-coolest* among us??

Brando: He will escape just as we will, if he is how I think he is

Aaron: "How you think he is"? What are you trying to say??

Brando: It's not what you think it is!

Baytes: Oh... Well power to him, I guess...

Brando: you have your old body back!

Baytes: That's right, and so does Celeste. Where is Celeste?

Celeste comes out from another corridor, holding the good ClockworkCanary in a very... satisfied way

ClockworkCanary: Ooh! Hehe...

Celeste:What? It is my function

Clockwork Canary: You do it so well!

Celeste: And so do you... May I be hard-wired to be yours exclusively?

ClockworkCanary: I'd be happy to register you, that is how little Clockwork Canary are made!

Baytes: ookay, so how do we get off this rock?

Brando: In a spaceship

Baytes: Really? That's easy

Brando: *sigh*, your intentions are mostly noble, but I think the question is, "how do we save the others on this rock?"

Baytes: ohhh

Celeste: What about the plumbing?

Baytes: The plumbing?

Aaron: That's right! But I don't fully get it.

Odinn7: Most planets nowadays have wormhole plumbing, so they can be used for escape purposes as well!

ClockworkCanary: And I know this moon's plumbing inside and out! We must gather the citizens to the one public toilet of Europa!

Menard: Heheh!

Brando: Who knew this "one toilet" system would work so well in freedom's favor?

Slater: I'll reroute the pipeway, I was trained for that kinda thing!

Odinn7: Good man! I'll put you up for a medal if you survive!

JIN CRAWLS TO THE ABOVE LEVEL, FACE TO FACE WITH SCARAMANGA AGAIN

Scaramanga: You didn't think I was gone for good did you? All good vampires have second forms!

Jin: Yeah, I thought something stupid and inconveniant like that would happen. Can you just move? I'm gonna kill you anyway, you might as well not slow me down in this unfortunate way...

Scaramanga: If I die I shall do it making the path for the bastard werepenguin more unfortunate! Haha! Choose your side-weapon!

The lights flicker on, the room is filled with lethal weapons

Jin: So you are basically just trying to make my path more inconveniant, aren't you?

Scaramanga transforms into a mutilated 6-armed robotic-man-bat, with a golden gun (with no bullets)!

AS SLATER TRIES TO REROUTE THE SYSTEM, CLOCKWORK CANARY HOLDS A TOWN MEETING, POSING AS THE EVIL CLOCKWORK CANARY

Canary: The planet is collapsing! As the planet's something-in-command, I order that you all file into the one toilet system!

The slaves all sadly mumble and head towards the tiny toilet cubicle

Courageous slave: Never!

Slaves: Huh?!

Courageous: We don't have to listen to that any more! A few hours ago, a brave man came to Europa to liberate us all! Now, we shall stand and fight, and we will win!

Slaves: Hooah!

Canary: No! Please don't have a revolution nooowww!!!

Courageous slave: THIS! Is your enemy!

Canary: No! No! I'm his good twin! I just needed your attention

Slave: He seems sincere...

Courageous slave: Surrree he does! FOR BRANDO!

The slaves attack Clockwork Canary, violently groping him and not much else for lack of nourishment.

JIN HAS A STAREDOWN WITH SCARAMAN-BAT, MAINLY EYEING THE WEAPONS ON THE WALL

Jin runs toward a corner, Scaraman-Bat slides toward him, but friction stops him before he can get his teeth around Jin. Jin takes a weapon from off the wall and jumps on the downed vampire

Scaramanga: D'Oh! No fair!

Scaraman-Bat flies back up, attempting to ram Jin on the walls, mainly ramming himself, eventually he hits the surface, where Jin smashes through the rock, into daylight!

Scaraman-Bat: Gaaahhh!!!!

Jin: You may be a man-bat, but you still have nards!

The weapon Jin took is a nutcracker! With one solid blow he hits Scaraman-Bat's bottom, shattering those fragile bat-nards! The bat plummets to the ground, but Jin clings to the above exit. Below, Scaramanga writhes in the dim sunlight

Scaramanga: You-you have beaten me, but I will-

Jin tries to pull himself up, he has no time for this

Scaramanga: Wait! I'm not done dying yet!

TOPSIDE

The revolutionists gather round courageous slave, holding a menacing looking device in one hand

Courageous slave: This is the tool of our freedom! No one shall oppress us again with this in our possession!

Slaves: Hooah!

Canary: oh, no.

Brando: Clockwork, did you try and assemble the people through fear? Fear leads to desperation!

Canary: Oh no!

Slave #2: Won't that blow us up too?

Everyone but slave 2 cheers!

Canary: Nooo!!! You DON'T want that!

Slave #3: Yes we do!

Courageous slave: Of course not! Tis only a teleportation charge.

Slave #3: aww maan...

Canary looks bug-eyed at the freed slaves as they vanish to some other, hopefully safe planet. As they disappear in a white corona, Canary slumps to his knees. Our other protagonists walk on, leaving Canary to stare on into oblivion, until he finally gathers his wits and follows them.

JIN FINALLY CRAWLS TO THE SURFACE, EXHAUSTED. HE SEES OUR OTHER HEROES TRUDGE OVER THE HORIZON. JIN TRIES HIS DAMNDEST TO GET UP, OR EVEN GIVE THE OTHERS A SIGN, BEFORE FALLING TIRED ON THE QUAKEING EUROPA. HE IS LOOMED OVER BY A HUGE SHADOW. IS IT FRIENDLY?

IT IS NONE OTHER THAN CHUCK NORRIS.

THE GOOD GUYS, SANS JIN AND SLATER ALL SOLEMNLY BOARD THEIR VESSEL.

Odinn7: Hey guys, what about Slater?

Jasmine: What about Jin?

Brando: You're right, there is fair time, I shall go search for them

Odinn7: You go Brando, Slater is my man, and although he is logically also your man, he is closer to me.

Brando: I trust your ability, are you sure you'll be okay if we lift off without you?

Odinn7: If wha??

Brando: We must go as soon as possible

Odinn7: Can't you-

shaken head "no"

Odinn7: well, that's the hell of it... I'll let you know if I see Jin!

Odinn7 dashes at top speed, the others lift off

MEANWHILE, JIN SLOWLY TURNS TO SEE HIS LONG-TIME FOE WITH A COCKY SMILE ON HIS FACE, COVERED IN JET BLACK GORE AND HOLDING SIX SPATULAS. JIN FINDS THE STRENGTH TO GET UP, INCREDULOUS!

Norris: Crigta wasn't so tough! Not enough for my roundhouse kick!

This time, Jin's incredulity at the sheer illogic of Chuck surviving turns to disgusted rage, regaining full strength, he rears back with one penguin-powered fist, and throws it into Chuck's rock-hard abdomen, shattering it!

Jin: I-

Jin grabs Chuck's spinal chord from out of his stomach, not only tearing it out, but a considerable wad of back hair as well!

Jin: Have had-

As Chuck falls to his knees, Jin rears back again with a hard flipper, throwing it into Chuck's face, actually shattering both his beard, and his jaw, like glass!

Jin: ENOUGH-

Chuck's head is launched out of Europa's orbit, and far out into the galaxy where as it flew through the universe it cured millions of sicknesses (Chuck, or Chuck's head cried for the very first time during that journey through space)

Jin: OF YOOOOOUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jin stumbles across the quakeing world, only to see Brando's ship rise without him...

IN THE CRAFT

Jasmine: Jin...

THE SEWERS OF EUROPA, SLATER GAZES TRIUMPHANTLY AT THE BEAUTIFULLY FIXED NETWORK OF TUBES

Slater: I'm getting a medal!

Seconds pass, there is no flush

Slater: Geez, that's a clean one...

Odinn7 navigates through the pipework to confront Slater

Odinn7: Yeah, the slaves kinda had a revolution.

Slater: Crap... So what do we do now?

Odinn7: Nothing, they found another way off

Slater: Well that's finding a way all right. Let's get back to the ship

Odinn7: We can't.

Slater: Eh?

Odinn7: I'm kinda sacrificing myself to tell you that you're doomed

Slater: So no medal?

Odinn7: Not even if we make it off.

Slater: Odinn?

Odinn7: Yeah?

Slater: We're not making it off are we?

Odinn7: Yeah...

Slater: Too bad the plumbing didn't work

Odinn7: Doesn't it work?

Slater: I dunno, does it?

CUT TO: ODINN7 AND SLATER DASHING OVER THE UNSTABLE SURFACE OF EUROPA

Odinn7: So THAT's why Brando let me go with so little regret!

Slater: We've got to get to the bathroom!

Jin: Jasmine...

Odinn7: Jin!

Jin: Odinn!

Odinn7: Jin, shouldn't you get to the bathroom? Jasmine says hi!

Odinn7 sees that Slater is several yards ahead of him, and dashes off over his subordinate

Jin: What are you talking about?

Odinn7: Looks like I'm not gonna be able to hear that story after all! Sorry Jin!

Jin looks on, not knowing what to make of the scene even after all the crap he's already been through, defeated, he sits down again and begins throwing rocks.

THE TINY ONE BATH FACILITY OF EUROPA FINALLY COMES INTO SIGHT AS ODINN AND SLATER RUSH TOWARDS IT

After running quite a minithon, the two hapless doomtroopers squeeze into the tiny, unportable-porta-pottie together. Barely enough room for one of them, Odinn7 manages to wiggle one finger out just enough to push the handle and...

IN AN INFERNO OF BLOOD, EUROPA EXPLODES. BRANDO'S SHIP, ALTHOUGH MILES AWAY, IS CLOSE ENOUGH TOO SEE THE ERUPTION CLEARLY. JASMINE SHEDS A TEAR, FOLLOWED BY THE REST OF THE CREW.

THE SHIP AT LAST REACHES EARTH, TO THE CELEBRATION OF ALL BUT BRANDO, JASMINE, AND POOGIE.

Jasmine: He-he's gone

Brando: Perhaps... But he died very well... went out with a dying planet

Jasmine: That doesn't make it much better for me

Brando: I'd be worried if it did

Aaron: hell no, after all that bulls**t!

Brando: Calm yourself, there is nothing to be done now. We must find the Europan workers, we don't want them blowing up an already destroyed planet, do we?

Baytes: I suppose not. Now what about the fate of Earth?

Brando: Earth is safe now, that's a given

Baytes: I meant from you

Brando: Ha! Well I suppose you deserve a good rest from your vigilance, and so do I. I shant interfere with Earth for a while, will that give you some peace?

Baytes: Hopefully...

Brando: But first, the task at hand. We must celebrate those who lived through this great and terrible conflict and mourn those who did not!

Aaron: Party at Jin's apartment!

Everyone is silent for a while, then all break out in mad cheering!

Trevor: ...What about my legs? Guys??

Poogie: My brother is still alive, he will attempt to defy me soon, but I hold the trump card...

IN OUTER SPACE, ERUOPA NO LONGER EXISTS, AN ASTEROID BELT PEPPERED WITH CORPSES IS ALL THAT IS LEFT TO TRIBUTE THE ONCE GREAT MOON. ONLY ONE THING ON THE BELT IS ALIVE, A HUMANOID PENGUIN, SITTING ON A STRAY ROCK, BEATEN, BRUISED, AND BLOODY.

Jin: This is madness, madness... I'm talking in the void of space, I must be...

a few familiar objects float past Jin, a headless, but very muscular corpse...

Jin: Yeah, I don't think the dark has much to worry about anymore

A badly-burned bat

Jin: Looks like someone got ...burned? on that deal, eh?

The queen ant from the top of Dale's Dead Bug cruiser

Jin: Oh Dale, you para- wait a second... B-Brando, you were right! I think I found a way!

INSIDE JIN'S APARTMENT, A PARTY SO WILD AND CROWDED IT WOULD GO DOWN IN THE MEMORIES OF ALL WHO ATTENDED IT AS ONE OF THE BEST NIGHTS OF THEIR LIVES, AND THOSE IN SURROUNDING ROOMS AS A NON-ENDING NIGHTMARE OF TORMENT. EVERYONE HAS A FAIRLY GOOD TIME, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF JASMINE, STARING TEARY-EYED OUT AT THE VOID, WHAT MAY JUST BE THE OBLITERATED REMAINS OF HER LOVER.

NIGHT ABOVE JIN'S APARTMENT COMPLEX. SEVERAL MILES ABOVE EARTH, A SIGHT THAT COULD ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS A COSMIC VERSION OF A PENGUIN SLIDING ACROSS ARCTIC ICE PIERCED THE SKY, SHIELDED BY BELLY-FUR OF REINFORCED STEEL QUEEN ANT MODEL. THOUGH SHE DIDN'T KNOW IT THEN AS SHE SAW THE "SHOOTING STAR", JASMINE WOULDN'T HAVE LONG TO CRY.

Benson Arizona, The warm wind through your hair
My body flies the galaxies, my heart longs to be there
Benson, Arizona, the same stars in the sky
But they seemed so much kinder, when we watched them you and I!


AND OUTSIDE, TWO HEROES HAVE THE BEST VIEW, A CONFIDENT SMILE CROSSES ONE'S LIPS

Volga: Marlon, are you all right?

Brando: Yes, yes indeed. I had a great omen just now, I feel for the first time in years... coool.

Volga: So what do we do now, my love?

SCENE: A LONG WINDING ROAD IN BLACK AND WHITE, BRANDO DRIVES AN OLD CAR, IN THE PASSENGER'S SEAT IS VOLGA, BOTH ARE SMILING, IN LOVE. 'ON MY WAY TO VEGAS' PLAYS OVER THE END CREDITS.

Tim Curry
Jean Reno
Dosu Kinuta
Bunji Kugashira
Wikipe-Tan
Mike Judge
Christopher Lee
Chuck Norris
Richard Kiel, Michael Clarke Duncan, Deep Roy
Edwar?d Fox
Donald Pleasence
David XCarradine

Carradine, already having a strike through, is X'd out. An ad for Sharpie "write out loud!" momentarily appears in the bottom right hand corner and fades away

Jin - Keanu Reeves
Aaron - Samuel L. Jackson
Jasmine - Rachel MacAdams
Darth Marlon Brando - Himself
Jack Baytes - Ben Stein
Volga - Pace Wu
Double Volga - Rosie O'Donnel
With special guest appearences by Badmovies.Org, and the U.S. senate.
Also starring
Christian Slater
Will Smith
Bill Paxton
and
Darren McGavin

Written and Directed by Clockwork Canary, Corey Feldman (Miscrediting "Heldpen"), Scott Schimmel, Stanley Caldwell (II), 'Trevor', and Poogie.

Music by Enya

MEANWHILE, A SMALL SHIP ROCKETS TOWARDS TEXAS LIKE A COMET. MANAGING TO REMAIN FAIRLY UNDER CONTROL, IT HITS ONE HOME IN PARTICULAR AT POINT-BLANK RANGE. NEXT DOOR, A MAN SPEAKS A SINGLE SENTENCE

Hank: Got-dangit, Dale...

AND INSIDE THE HOUSE, THERE IS A FAIR BIT OF CONFUSION AS THE HOME'S OWNER EMERGES FROM THE STARSHIP, DAZED AND NEARLY NAKED (SAVE FOR HIS HAT), BUT RELATIVELY PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY UNHARMED, THAT IS, UNTIL HE SEES HIS WIFE SLEEPING WITH HER "MASSAGE THERAPIST".

Dale: We-hell Jo-Honnn, REDCORN, I knew it allllll... ...ALong

Redcorn: Dale... I can... umm, well...

Dale: Explain this...

Out of the craft, Dale produces the painful nutcracker device! He slowly lifts the weapon to his former friend with a look of murder in his eyes, but before he is able to do anything, his arms give out, and the thing hits his own groin with a C-R-A-C-K.

Dale: G'Ih!

is all he manages to say before collapsing back on to the wreckage, leaving the others present totally stunned... It's

THE END

Or is it??
-------------------------------------
So what do you think? Those who still remember or care to look up the plot may discuss the conclusion here!
« Last Edit: October 04, 2007, 06:00:09 PM by Mr. Briggs Inc. » Logged


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« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2007, 07:27:31 AM »

I'm really happy with the ending with Brando and Volga.  Smile

It's the way this should end. Marlon Brando and his true love Volga were the real story here. Mr.Briggs I feel you have ended this script with the real story of Super Porcupine Omelet.
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clockworkcanary
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« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2007, 11:13:06 AM »

Fantastic!  Funny thing was, I was just thinking about this entire story during my commute yesterday.  Anyway, it's about time we started another one, don't you think?  Great wrap-up btw.

Also, wanted to note that I'm about to "retire" my user name but be rest-assured that the clockworkcanary will be reborn, rising from the ashes, emerging as something new.  Let's just say it's about that time I have a new name.
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« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2007, 02:51:28 PM »

It's the way this should end. Marlon Brando and his true love Volga were the real story here. Mr.Briggs I feel you have ended this script with the real story of Super Porcupine Omelet.
It was my birthday resolution to finish it Smile. As much as I wanted to add this ending, I felt resurrecting the original topic wouldn't be eye-catching enough. I suppose I should at least add a link to the original...

Quote
Fantastic!  Funny thing was, I was just thinking about this entire story during my commute yesterday.  Anyway, it's about time we started another one, don't you think?  Great wrap-up btw.
Should it have a new storyline like the Indiana Maine Jones Gregorowicz one that Corey made, or be a continuation of this one? (There are a few questions left to be answered)

Quote
Also, wanted to note that I'm about to "retire" my user name but be rest-assured that the clockworkcanary will be reborn, rising from the ashes, emerging as something new.  Let's just say it's about that time I have a new name.
What's wrong with ClockworkCanary Question
« Last Edit: September 26, 2007, 02:59:55 PM by Mr. Briggs Inc. » Logged


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For the latest on the fifth installment in Don Coscarelli's Phantasm saga.
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Karma: 186
Posts: 5785


Hey, I'm in the situation room ! ! !


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« Reply #5 on: September 26, 2007, 03:11:04 PM »

The eternal love between Lord Brando and Volga gives the script something to hang onto. It's what gives this film substance.  It allows everything else to happen. Thumbup  Thumbup
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Mortal Envelope
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Manos...it's frightening!


« Reply #6 on: September 27, 2007, 12:11:16 PM »

I would like to start something fresh but I have no problem continuing with any scripts that have already started.  We have forever to continue with the sequels.  We should make the sequel in real bad movie fashion by having some/one of the main characters a cousin of one of our characters from the first...maybe even at the same high school or something hahaha.

Anyway, I'll miss clock's name too - but "he" had to retire it and prefers that it wouldn't be mentioned anymore :)  If you would like to know why, "he" said to just email him at his username@hotmail.com if you need more information on why.

But yes, I liked the final script ending - and happy belated B-day!

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Trevor
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« Reply #7 on: October 01, 2007, 06:50:21 AM »

 BounceGiggle BounceGiggle

"What about my legs? Guys?"   TeddyR

Trevor is fortunately not badly affected, being a zombie.  TeddyR

Brilliant, MrB, thanks!
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I know I can make it on my own if I try, but I'm searching for the Great Heart
To stand me by, underneath the African sky
A Great Heart to stand me by.
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« Reply #8 on: July 15, 2010, 09:28:30 AM »

I just had to bring this thread back ~ I haven't been able to walk right since my legs got crushed here.  TeddyR Wink
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I know I can make it on my own if I try, but I'm searching for the Great Heart
To stand me by, underneath the African sky
A Great Heart to stand me by.
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