Its hard, nay, some would say impossible to make a good monster movie these days. In the studio hey-day of cranking out cookie cutter movie after movie featuring giant _______, a bad one would simply be lost in the crowd. At its worst, taking into account a low budget and the payment of no-name actors, it may barely recoup its losses at the box office. But that was enough. There's a reason monster movies were so plentiful at the time- and it wasn't because of the artistry or the technical beauty involved in making them. It was because, for the most part, they were easy to make. Its unfair to call it a formula, but lets face it; what else could it be? Add a few parts radiation, a couple ants/spiders/bullfrogs/catepillars/etc. and you've got yourself a giant insect/animal movie. They were cheap, breezy, and generally unimiginative affairs- all things considered.
And, by the late 80's they were almost completely gone. That's not to say the idea of the "monster" movie had completely left Hollywood. Indeed, movies of that ilk were still being made. Its just, not many of them were good, and even fewer were particularly memorable. John Teague's "Alligator", Joe Dante's seminal classic "Piranha" being only a couple examples of well polished turds that stood above the rest. But gone were the glory days of the "giant monster". With the notable exception of the Toho produced Godzilla films, the idea of the "giant monster" being a legitimate propistion for a film had almost entirely dissipated from Hollywood consciousness. The old studio system where hacks like Roger Corman could ply their trade without interference from major studios was gone, replaced with major studios playing to what a glut of mainstream audiences wanted.
But, I guess somewhere along the way someone must have decicded that monster movies were going to be the new hotness in horror again. Yeah, that was a bad idea. Instead of remaining in comfortable obscurity on the backs of dusty video shelves in ancient mom 'n' pop video stores the early-90's wrought upon us not one, but two giant mosquito movies. Today's victim of my verbal beating is 1993's "Skeeter". Trust me, the title's pretty goofy, but the movie's even stupider
To say that "Skeeter" has any "starring" roles is almost a joke in and of itself. If you've heard Calculon's "AcTing TAleNT!" line from "Futurama" then you're about halfway to understanding how bad these so called "actors" are.
Anyway, the movie starts off as it you'd imagine; someone's doing something they probably know they shouldn't be. Evil land baron/real estate developer/Steven Seagal movie villain Drake (I don't know if that's his last name or his first name- so don't ask) and his evil minions are dumping toxic waste in an old abandoned mining complex. Once Drake's head guy gives the all clear he gets bit by a mosquito and merely shrugs it off, saying "Damn Skeeter"..... Yes, he said the movie's title in the first minute or so of the movie. And it just gets worse.
The movie properly starts with two dirtbikers driving off a cliff, one was clearly being chased by something large. Gee.... wonder what it could be?
The local salt of the Earth sheriff and his deputy partner are called later that day to investigate the boy's disappearence. Jim Young, playing the deputy Roy Boone is probably the best actor of the bunch. That's only to say he's not screamingly awful. Charles Napier, playing police chief Ernie Buckle, on the other hand is simply terrible. He's slightly overweight, grey-haired and old. Yet he latches onto the part and plays it like he's a youngster; and its terrible. You see his character is, that he's horny. That's it. And he's corrupt, covering up Drake's misdeeds. But, the hornyness overrides anything else. It pervades every scene he's in. The sad thing is, a horny old fat guy could've been funny, had it not been played so straight.
Deputy Hank Tucker (Elroy Casados) is another example of a bad character. He's an indian. That's it. Literally, he's a cop and he's an indian. That's his only distinguishing characteristic.
So with all that set up maybe we can advance this along a bit, huh?
Anyway, through a series of long boring talks with his old flame Sarah Crosby, who's in town for her mother's funeral, Boone soon learns of multiple deaths of cattle in the area. (Raising cattle in the desert, does that even work?).
Soon a toxicologist is called in, his experiments to test the water don't go unnoticed by the corrupt Ernie Buckle, who tries to put a stop to it. Eventually, as we close in on what feels like about our twenty-seventh hour of watching this damn movie something happens. Some dude gets killed by a pack (pack? school?) of mosquitoes.
Eventually, after another seven or eighty hours of complete nonsense, which includes Boone and his Indian boy toy in a "Walker: Texas Ranger" style shootout with a couple of Drake's men Boone finally moves into action.
Creating a non-sensical flamethrower seemingly out of some random pipes and gasoline he heads into the caves where the mosquitoes are spawning from. In the end Boone saves his girl, his partner and his town. As if you expected anything less.
In all this movie is a complete wreck. Its got bad characters, bad dialogue, bad special effects (I could almost hear the director in my head repeating the mantra "don't burn the puppet" over and over again during the cave scene) and an all around boring plot that moves at an almost glacial pace.
Skeeter is not a good movie. Avoid it with all your life.
0/10. Bottom Line: "Skeeter" really sucks. (har-har).