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January 29, 2015, 09:58:01 PM
542448 Posts in 41128 Topics by 5201 Members
Latest Member: Weirdman89000 Forum  |  Movies  |  Bad Movies  |  SANCTUARY: QUITE A CONUNDRUM (2012) « previous next »
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Author Topic: SANCTUARY: QUITE A CONUNDRUM (2012)  (Read 121 times)
Archeologist, Theologian, Elder Scrolls Addict, and a
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

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Posts: 8510

A good bad movie is like popcorn for the soul!

« on: December 28, 2014, 01:33:08 AM »

The phrase "all over the landscape" was probably coined by someone who had just seen this movie.
I mean, seriously, what did I just watch?  It was a teen sex comedy - no, it was a "coming of age" flick -
no, it was a slasher film - no, it was a whodunit - or was it a drug movie? 
Every time this film had settled into one groove, it jumped about three tracks and found another.  But I will say, it kept me entertained from start to finish.  I'll give you a really brief synopsis, and then you can rent this bizarre little flick and judge it for yourselves:

SPOILERS FOLLOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First of all, this hot twenty-five year old named Mimi is, for some bizarre reason, having an affair with a 52 year old bald guy with an eye patch whose bedroom performance is so awful that, in the movie's opening scene, she cusses him out, calls him a "sad and pathetic" old man, and breaks off their relationship.  He responds with a vigorous "FU" and throws a used condom in her face before storming out.
Next, she's working out with a punching bag when her best friend Tabitha comes in and starts twerking to her workout tape.  They engage in some banter about their frustrations with the men in their lives and plan a pool party for that night.  Tabitha has a hot guy lined up so that Mimi can forget her misery with old one-eyed Marc.  Now we meet Mimi's virginal, 18 year old sister, Kylene, who is disgusted by Tabitha and Mimi's nasty banter and penchant for walking around half-dressed (note to Jack: Half dressed is about as good as it gets in this movie - there is a lot of tease but no show in the nudity department, unless you count Marc's pimply, flabby white butt!).    Kylene has an incurably horny boyfriend whose mom is a poster child for stereotypical Hollywood Christian nutjobs - blonde bouffant hairdo, Southern accent, judgmental hypocrisy, and all.  Frankly, she was so overly stereotyped I couldn't even be particularly offended by her.
  So now we have the six of them - the three girls, the horny young Harris, the oversexed Sean, and the blind date Dutch - out at the pool, parents out of town, dancing, laughing, and obviously on the brink of some serious sexual shenanigans - when suddenly one-eyed Marc shows up naked, waving a gun, and demanding that Mimi repeat what she called him earlier that day.  When she overcomes her terror enough to spit out the words "sad and pathetic", he points the gun at his head and pulls the trigger, and his corpulent carcass drops dead into the pool.
   OK, you're thinking, this is pretty weird.  Here's the thing: all this happens in the first twenty-five minutes or so!  There is an hour of movie left, and it gets WEIRDER as it goes along!  Without giving too much away, we have Marc's crazy jealous wife, Sean's meltdown, Kylene's shocking confession, attempted lesbian makeouts, a serial killer on the loose, an argument between one of the girls and Harris over which one of them likes boobs the most, and finally a bizarre funeral/baptism sequence in the swimming pool with a naked, one-eyed white guy floating in the background.

Did I say this movie was weird?

Oh yes, it is!

Now, I command you, my Bad Movie legionaries: SEE THIS FILM!  THEN DISCUSS!!!!!!! TeddyR

"Carpe diem!" - Seize the day!  "Carpe per diem!" - Seize the daily living allowance! "Carpe carp!" - Seize the fish!
"Carpe Ngo Diem!" - Seize the South Vietnamese Dictator!
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

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Posts: 9836

« Reply #1 on: December 28, 2014, 08:07:45 AM »

(note to Jack: Half dressed is about as good as it gets in this movie - there is a lot of tease but no show in the nudity department, unless you count Marc's pimply, flabby white butt!).

Oh that's fine (except for the pimply butt), always nice to leave something to the imagination  TeddyR

I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better.
Bad Movie Lover

Karma: 44
Posts: 794

« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2015, 03:18:13 PM »

okay, indi, i took up the challenge.
at this point, i'm still trying to figure out how many personalities the writer actually has that write movies, and why they insist on all of them using the same script!
and whatever the money guy was smoking when this was pitched to him, i want some!
btw, you did better than me, i couldn't figure out who the christian lady was, or what the blind date's name was!
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