Bad Movie Logo
"A website to the detriment of good film"
Custom Search
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?
March 23, 2019, 10:16:51 AM
618188 Posts in 47765 Topics by 6406 Members
Latest Member: KarlaMcLar Forum  |  Other Topics  |  Off Topic Discussion  |  Dogs and Cats « previous next »
Pages: [1]
Author Topic: Dogs and Cats  (Read 2256 times)
Bad Movie Lover

Karma: 59
Posts: 367

....a heady mix of ignorance and enthusiasm.

« on: May 06, 2007, 12:18:45 PM »

A friend forwarded this to me today:

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not mean it becomes your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure
your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm and disrespect.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or stick your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. I have been using the bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance in not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's rear end, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Always Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture )

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.


Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: eat less, don't ask
for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called,
never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children!

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't the sport for you.
Bad Movie Lover

Karma: 75
Posts: 794


« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2007, 01:02:49 PM »

Did those rules have "Written by Poogie" on the bottom?  BounceGiggle
And above the rules is very, very true, especially the bathroom privacy problem.  BounceGiggle

Bad Movie Lover

Karma: 67
Posts: 434

Consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds.

« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2007, 08:53:34 PM »

Before Edward G. Robinson died, he chanted that voodoo spell from Child's Play and switched souls with my cat, Doom Kitty.  As I type this my life may well be in danger...

Luckily, I also have a benevolent puppy that seems to keep the cat busy.  But as for rules?  I'd have to consult the list they gave me.

Bad Movie Lover

Karma: 59
Posts: 367

....a heady mix of ignorance and enthusiasm.

« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2007, 09:20:28 PM »


If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't the sport for you.
« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2007, 10:24:34 PM »

yeah i don't know what it is but on a daily basis me and my cat race to the bathroom. She always gets in first as she found the effective way is to  dart at an angle in front of my feet to slow me down. If by chance, she is locked out, she makes it immediately known. She will stick her entire arm all th way to the shoulder underneath the door. And leave it there. The whole time.  I keep the toilet lid down cause she likes to play in water. Once i left the lid up and she darted in there ahead of me..lept on the toilet, fell in and pulled the lid down on her. It was a joyous  When i shower she gets between the curtain and the liner and sits there like a psycho sillouette.

We also fight. She's an alpha cat, i've never seen anything like it. But if i scold her or put her down from a table she turns around...standing nearly on her back legs and hits me real hard on the leg a few times (no claws) and struts off. Once i batted her tail for doing that and she turned around with a look that said "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubblegum. "

That's why i can't respect dogs, they're so compliant and happy to see you. You gotta earn a cats respect...they can hold a grudge and plot revenge for a long...long time

makes life around the house a lot more interesting
Yes, it's true, absolutely true. I am a
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

Karma: 230
Posts: 2247

I'm sorry, did I break your concentration?

« Reply #5 on: May 07, 2007, 09:13:23 PM »

The difference between cats and dogs is that a dog wants you to be the master, a cat wants to see your resume`.
We have 2 dogs and 3 cats, the doggies are just happy to be around us, the cats apparently tolerate us living in what they consider to be their house.

Science claims that hydrogen, because there is so much of it, is the building block of the universe, I dispute this, there is plenty more stupidity, and that is the building block of the universe.  Frank Zappa
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

Karma: 535
Posts: 5275

« Reply #6 on: May 07, 2007, 09:26:46 PM »

My cat Toonces just turned 17 this past April.  Other than some kidney problems and the such, he's still doing surprisingly well.

I like dogs but I wouldn't want to own one.  I've just always liked the way that cats think.

"There is no way out of here. It'll be dark soon. There is no way out of here."
« Reply #7 on: May 07, 2007, 09:56:05 PM »

me too, Torgo. And with that said....

Diary of a Cat

DAY 752: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761: Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762: Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765: Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan..

DAY 768: I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771: There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774: I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to molespeak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time...
Pages: [1] Forum  |  Other Topics  |  Off Topic Discussion  |  Dogs and Cats « previous next »
    Jump to:  

    RSS Feed Subscribe Subscribe by RSS
    Email Subscribe Subscribe by Email

    Popular Articles
    How To Find A Bad Movie

    The Champions of Justice

    Plan 9 from Outer Space

    Manos, The Hands of Fate

    Podcast: Todd the Convenience Store Clerk

    Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

    Dragonball: The Magic Begins

    Cool As Ice

    The Educational Archives: Driver's Ed

    Godzilla vs. Monster Zero

    Do you have a zombie plan?

    ImageThe Giant Claw - Slime drop

    Earth is visited by a GIANT ANTIMATTER SPACE BUZZARD! Gawk at the amazingly bad bird puppet, or chuckle over the silly dialog. This is one of the greatest b-movies ever made.

    Lesson Learned:
    • Osmosis: os·mo·sis (oz-mo'sis, os-) n., 1. When a bird eats something.

    Subscribe to and get updates by email:

    HOME B-Movie Reviews Reader Reviews Forum Interviews TV Shows Advertising Information Sideshows Links Contact is owned and operated by Andrew Borntreger. All original content is © 1998 - 2014 by its respective author(s). Image, video, and audio files are used in accordance with the Fair Use Law, and are property of the film copyright holders. You may freely link to any page (.html or .php) on this website, but reproduction in any other form must be authorized by the copyright holder.