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Author Topic: Interactive Bad Movie: Imminent Danger  (Read 9561 times)
Mortal Envelope
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Manos...it's frightening!


« on: October 17, 2007, 05:56:14 PM »

From some of the writers of SPO.  This is another creative story where everyone can jump in (we need more writers dammnit so help!). 

Cast so far (special thanks go to Mr. Briggs):


Note: This time, I'm going for a different approach since the 80s school setting was kinda lackluster...oh well :)   Let's try something a little more out there... like this (I hope you like it better):



Two yet-to-be named scientists are working late one night at the lab.  We the audience see their shadows at first as the camera closes in on them from behind as it passes giant fluid tanks full of crazy cloning experiments.  We see sparks and flashes while they frantically grab at various tools and odd unidentified objects, apparently working on something they think is pretty important.

The lanky, somewhat annoying scientist: yes....YES!!!  Do you think it will work!?

The Bald old man (played by Patrick Stewart): I'm sure of it...hand me the hydro-spanners!

The lanky scientist (played by Bob Sagat): yes, yes, of course Doc <loud explosions all around the lab>...uh oh!

We the audience don't even get a chance to see what they were making as they both turn to see that one of the tanks has exploded, releasing one of the monstrosities within!

Whatever it is, we don't see it...but we see what it does...it smacks the bald scientist across the face (while Prodigy's "Firestarter" breaks out in the background).  The smack sends him across the room, through some sciency tables full of beakers and test tubes, which naturally disfigure him.  Then we see the shadow of something big and nasty grab Bob Sagat...I mean, the lanky annoying scientist by the throat just before it gives him the choke slam from Hell, possibly but not necessarily ending his miserable little life!

At this point, alarms sound all around the complex and a team of elite security guards burst into the room.  They are lead by the commander, who is non other than...
« Last Edit: October 29, 2007, 11:26:33 AM by Mortal Envelope » Logged
Doc Daneeka
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« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2007, 07:26:28 PM »

+I thought the Melvin Nossex thing was okay, but not exactly my forte in writing+

John Cena!

Commander: All right! Time to do what we were hired to do, blow this joint! hot

The commander and the other commandoes begin firing off rounds at random, destroying years of precious hard work, as well as shattering many more of the creature tubes. Out pop several experiments, a cyborg-proboscis monkey, a large metalloid amoeba, and three patchwork people; a normal-looking young man played by Brooks Gardner, a freakier one played by John Davis Chandler, and a similar looking freaky woman plyed by Cindy Ambuehl. One of the soldiers gets a lucky shot on the still shadowy (Due to "Tourette's Cameraman") beast, but the disfigured bald scientist knocks him out of the way, losing his own arm in the gunfire.

Bald old scientist: Don't kill it, it's perfect! Kill THEM!

Head commando: Will do, Doctor Egelnem!

One of the shadow-beast's claws sweeps across Cena's face, scarring him too, the others fire on the patchwork trio along with the amoeba and the monkey, ironically most of the troops are dispatched by the beast they were ordered not to kill as the other experiments run out a hole in the wall.

Head commando: Aww, hell they got away!

Doctor Engelem: What are you waiting for commander Jim, pursue them!

Cmdr. Jim: They're too far away now, but we shouldn't worry, they won't get far, I'm sure, what do we do about the Outsider?

Engelem: YOU'RE GOING TO KILL IT?!? YOU CANNOT KILL IT, I ORDER YOU NOT TO!

Jim: Calm... *dumb stare*  down. I'll use the tranquilizer.

Smarter but outspoken soldier: But sir-

Jim switches out his rifle's ammo and fires again at the creature, we see the thing's eye as it turns and charges!

Engelem: What went wrong?

Jim: It must be immune!

Smarter but outspoken soldier: That wasn't the tranquilizer you fired, dumbass!

Jim: Oh.

Jim reloads with the real tranquilizer and fires again. The Outsider almost gets Commander Jim, but the camera cuts away before the strike. We catch a shot of the beast's rump with the dart in it as it lays on the floor knocked out.

Engelem: What happened, is it alive?

Jim: Don't worry, it's a drug, totally... harmless.

Engelem: Whew... I spent quite a while researching, now after dozens of pitiful failed experiments executed, and my notes destroyed... I like to think that it still feels worth it. Now... we must return to matters at hand! Dr. Lzesl!

Lzesl (lanky, now hunchbacked Saget): Yes Dr. Engelem!

Engelem: Attend to the rest of my experiments! Especially those ones that just ran away, we shall find a use for the Outsider yet!

MEANWHILE, THE PATCHWORK TRIO RUN AS FAST AS THEIR ZOMBIE-ESQUE LEGS CAN CARRY THEM AWAY FROM THE LAB AND INTO THE GRASS NEAR A LONG ROAD, THEY FINALLY STOP WHEN THEIR WORN-OUT LUNGS GIVE OUT AND IT BECOMES APPARENT THAT NO ONE IS CHASING THEM.

Patchwork normal: Holy s**t on a s**t-stick! That was crazy! Remind me never to volunteer for guinea-pigging to pay off... debts... again! Who are you weirdoes?

Freakyman: I... am... guy.

Freakygirl: I-am, I-guess... peeeaaacce...

Patchwork normal: Umm, I'm Roy, ...out of curiosity, how did you end up here?

Peace: the stars align... Our lives are controlled by the universe, we are little more than primordial ooze in the mind of a celestial telekinetic. Means can be trivial, I believe we have more significant matters to consider at this frame in "time".

Roy: Okaaaayy, I don't suppose you have anything more interesting, and/or important information... guy?

Guy: Wellllllll... I guess you could say that buuuuuttttttt.... I don't think A BIG MA-an like you would care about my various... "ISsues", EH? Heh, heh, he

Roy looks at his new "comrades", wondering what the three of them have become, when...
« Last Edit: October 17, 2007, 07:30:19 PM by Mr. Briggs Inc. » Logged

Get out da' waaaaaaaayyy, octopus comin' through!
Mortal Envelope
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Manos...it's frightening!


« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2007, 10:39:51 AM »

+thanks!  maybe Melvin Nossex will make some kinda nerdy appearance someday in this story...along with some characters from SPO +


...the cybornetic monkey bursts out of a nearby bush, floundering around due to being smothered by the giant silvery amoeba...just before it tears through it from the inside with a small bladed instrument!

The patchwork trio look on in disqust and shock as Guy blurts out, "look! it's a monkey knife fight!" ...yes...the cyborg monkey has somehow split himself into two (a blue-helmeted monkey and a red one) due to its injury and the two monkeys start knifing each other!

The rabid-like monkeys goes crazy, slicing up the silver creature before inhaling the amoeba through ardvark-like noses, which indicates to our trio to start hauling some ass (non-sensically away from the road and into the deep forest) while the robo-monkeys are fighting.

The three follow the somewhat normal guy through the trees until they come to an overly dramatic dead stop just before falling off a cliff and down to the sandy, lonely beaches below...rocks fall off below and the camera follows them until the stones smash below...just as the waves roll in from the deep blue ocean.

Peace, in a slight Icelandic accent: ah the island of the mind in the sands of time and I got my peuce button-laced self-knitted sweater all dirty and dusty...say, I always say if hopping into a live volcano feels right, I say do it!

Roy shakes his head at Peace and suddenly they hear the commotion of the oncoming elite commandos.  Roy quickly leads them down a small and very narrow natural staircase, which leads into some kind of damp cave entrance. 

Roy takes a good look at Guy and realizes he's a type of Frankendork, a greater nerd made from the parts of lesser nerds!  Upon closer inspection, he notices the obligatory pocket protector, overly oily complection, the mustard-stained Bobba Fett T-shirt under his partially open, mis-buttoned overshirt.  This causes Roy to question his own state of being, but he just can't seem to focus right now.

Roy, mumbling to himself: is this what I get for defaulting on my student loans?!

The trio hide out in the cave and they finally decide they are safe for the moment.  They build a fire with some broken timbre laying about and get cozy for a well-deserved, cloning-tank free nap. 

Peace: ahhh sleepy time!

But after a few moments, they realize they are not alone...
« Last Edit: October 18, 2007, 10:56:37 AM by Mortal Envelope » Logged
Doc Daneeka
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« Reply #3 on: October 18, 2007, 06:35:35 PM »

They are approached by Lzesl, in a hi-tech all-terrain vehicle, wielding a strange-looking weapon

Lzesl: All right you all! If Commander Jim catches you here he will kill you! I however, am fine with exploiting you three for cheap attention if you cooperate! Now, get back in these uncomfortable reserve tanks!

Roy: Screw you!

Peace: you do not own us, though you may have made us what we are, now that we are free, we are your equaaaaallllssss

Lzesl: Eww. Okay, I guess I'll have to take you by force then!

Lzesl fires his weapon at Peace, the projectile tears through her body, leaving a hole but not really harming her.

Roy: You bastard!

Roy jumps on the ATV, rears back, and tries to hit the terrified doctor, only succeeding in knocking his own hand off, much to his own shock!

Roy: What have I become?!

Lzesl: Ha Ha!

Roy: This is your fault!

Lzesl: Not techinically, but I'm sure Engelem will be too wrapped up in his "Outsider" to deny me credit! I can make the three of you the master race if you agree to come along with me.

Roy pauses, puzzled at the eccentric second-string-scientist before picking his hand back up and dashing off, Guy, after a while of droning, follows, Peace stays still and sways

Peace: Colllloooorrrsssss....

Lzesl: Huh, I must have loaded it with tranquilizer by mistake, and it must have delivered just enough to put her more out of it than normal.

As Peace collapses, Roy finally looks back

Roy: Crap! We can't just leave her there! Umm... Guy! We have to go back!

Guy: We can rescue her later, we've gotta get away fer now!

Roy: Good point for once!

Roy turns back to run

Guy: 'Cuz I've gotta go to the zoo and get a plastic cup!

Roy thankfully doesn't hear Guy's last non-sequiter and instead dashes off into more woods

Lzesl: They won't be gone for long. They'll be back... for her!

Commander Jim, however, does not really care if they come back at all and as he enters the scene, simply begins to pursue them into the forest

Lzesl: They went thataway! Bring them back alive!

Jim chooses to ignore this, and the other commandoes inadvertantly knock Lzesl's ATV over. Both he and Peace are relatively unharmed, and the former sticks the latter into one of the uncomfortable carrier tubes and starts to stumble back up the staircase-esque cliff-face to the lab.

THE WOODS

Smart, but outspoken soldier: Now, we don't know exactly how smart these experiments are, so we've got to be smarter!

Jim: Right! We have to fire in every direction at once, they'll have no where to hide!

With this, the commadoes except the smart one indeed fire in every direction for about 10 minutes, until they finally run out of clips. There is a silence, which lasts for all of 15 seconds before an arrow drops from the canopy and impales three of the soldiers' necks!

Jim: They're too smart! Fall back troops, Wendt, you stay for surveillance!

Wendt (smart outspoken soldier): wh-

All the commadoes but Wendt flee, though some are picked off by more arrows. The helpless Wendt tries squeezing off a few rounds, but is himself be met by an arrow that misses him. He looks down only to find that attached to the arrow is a can of volitile CHAM (Imitation SPAM from Laotian rebels) lit on fire. As soon as the flame hits the substance, the smartest troop in Jim's platoon is blown to bits. Once the assasult is over, the remaining two of the patchwork trio emerge stunned from the flora.

Guy: Whew, that was a genius plan, Ray!

Roy: It's Roy, and I didn't do that... obviously.

The two are joined by a weird paramilitary type (Sam McMurray) wielding several odd weapons and tools

Military guy: I did it! I've wanted to put a damper on that scientist guy's plans for years now... I just needed the moment when something would storm through my woods and engage me face to face in a situation that would pose little potential threat to me!

Guy: Congratulations.

Military guy: That's right it is! The name's Hamburg, General Hamburg! Now what are you doing around here?

Roy: I volunteered to be a guinea pig, I woke up like this.

Hamburg: I knew it! I knew they were doing insane stuff in that lab! I knew it, I knew it all along!

Roy: That's good for you, but we have to get away to get help, one of our... friends is still back there!

Hamburg: You can't go back there! And you can't go back to the public either! No one can know, YET! We... must... arm ourselves for the appraching BATTLE!!!

Roy and Guy look at each other, worried

ENGELEM'S LAB, THE DISFIGURED DOCTOR NOW HAS HIS STUMP ARM WRAPPED UP IN ONE OF HIS SLEEVES, AS JIM CONFRONTS HIM WITH THE BAD NEWS

Engelem: I knew it, I knew there were spies hidden in the woods trying to stop my brilliance! But they won't get far, my great creation will see to that!

Engelem pushes a button, we see a plate of super-plexiglass raise up over the creature's feet, cut away to Engelem as a SMASH is a heard, we cut back to see another large hole in the wall caused by the beast.

Engelem: Kill, kill!

Jim (Looking into mirror): Hey, I look kinda cool with this scar!
« Last Edit: October 19, 2007, 05:26:59 AM by Mr. Briggs Inc. » Logged

Get out da' waaaaaaaayyy, octopus comin' through!
Mortal Envelope
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Manos...it's frightening!


« Reply #4 on: October 19, 2007, 02:30:07 PM »

Jim's self-admiration is interrupted by the arrival of Lzesl, dragging a tank full of Peace using a poly jack.

Engelem, with his back turned just points to the cloning tank slot where Peace resided before..

Panting heavily, Lzesl whines, "the others...they managed to escape, sir"

Dr. Engelem, with his face buried in a new and improved desk of sciency devices, "well... that is too bad..."  - with is back turned we the audience see him working on something for his arm - drills, buzzes, and clicking sounds engulf the area as he turns around to reveal his new cybernetic arm!

Englelem, "yes, that's too bad for you! you have failed me for the next time!" as he releases some kind of projectyle buzz saw that zips across the room and into Lzesl's face.  And although extremely painful, it does not kill him, somehow!

Lzesl, "ahhhh!  oh my god that hurts!  ouch that friggin hurts dude! ahhhhhhhhh"

Jim, "well sh!t ta bed!"

Englelem, "you don't know the pain that I am capable of"

Lzesl, "please don't end your sentences with a preposition, sir?!"  -just then, the embedded saw in his face begins to spin, "ahhhh!  ouch!  sh!t!"

Englelem, "now...go...find me the other two before they discover the 'real' plan!"

Lzesl arms himself with a few more weapons: a sling shot, a spit ball straw, and a pogo stick, "I'll be back to fail you again sir!"

After his departure, Jim looks at the Doc with astounding resolve, "that was some serious sh!t dude!  How did you get powers like that?"

Englelem, "well, back when I was a lad, I took my soap box guitar to that little ol' crossroad in rural Mississippi where I met old Scratch.  The devil offered me great powers in exchange for seven souls"

Jim, "whoa he gave you powers of super science?"

Englelem, "well, no ...I went to Pat Robertson's School of Devolution for those; but I did pick up this handy talent" and all of the sudden, D. Englelem's robotic arm transforms into a three pronged pseudo-hand and he breaks out an evil looking guitar playing nasty-to-the-max guitar solo from Hell(TM) as red smoke fills the room!

Jim, "holy sh!tballs dude, that was totally hardcore! I feel like busting out of a wall er somethin"

Englelem, "yes...I know this.  Now...to more pressing matters!  You must recruit the next group of red shirted mercenaries <door opens on the south side of the room revealing just such a group> ...take this unit of misfit mercenaries and take out the spies...locate his base of operations and destroy it.  This I command! oh...and one more thing...beware of that damned monkey!"
« Last Edit: October 19, 2007, 02:42:59 PM by Mortal Envelope » Logged
Doc Daneeka
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« Reply #5 on: October 20, 2007, 11:20:48 AM »

Engelem: And don't come back until you do!!

The door slams behind Jim, who sits on Doctor Engelem's porch for contemplation.

Jim (monotone): What to do... What to do... What to do... *Sigh* What could those bastards be planning... ...What? ...What? ...Wha-

Around the corner there is a rustling noise, Jim takes up his gun again and fires! From behind the corner come the red-shirt South-American mercenaries, a bit frightened, but mostly puzzled by their new "leader".

Jim: *Whew* You guys scared me! Don't do it again, you hear me?

Mercenary 1: Que?

Jim: Comprendo? No Escaro me tu!

Mercenary 1: I don't quite understand.

Jim: I'm in charge now, you have to do what I say! You people are familiar with the forest, correct?

Mercenary 1: No.

Jim: You can try! We need to find some banditos in these woods and you are the most seasoned trackers I've heard of

Mercenary 2 shrugs his shoulders an begins to halfheartedly lead the others on. Once at the forest, some rustling and howling is heard from the treetops.

Mercenary: What was that?

Jim: It must be the monkey Engelem told me about.

Mercenary 1: I remember the conflict on Europa... Though I am Colombian, I served among the Cambodians in General Brando's army. There were monkeys back then...

FLASHBACK TO - Super Porcupine Omelette. A slightly similar-looking redshirt doomtrooper fires off a few rounds in Donald Prime's throneroom. We cut away to some stock footage of monkeys being shot at before coming back to the present...

Mercenary 1: We were warned to stay away from the monkeys, and I cannot think of a greater time to use lord Brando's wisdom.

More rustling, and this time pained howling come from the treetops. Blood, and now a bloody carcass of one of the proboscis cyborgs falls down!

Mercenary: What is that?? What was that??

Jim: That must have been The Outsider.

Mercenary: Oh Dios Mio! Doctor Engelem never told us of his experiments! We cannot stay here!

Mercenary 1: Calm yourself... We are but more animals to these monsters

Jim: I dunno, (Points at Proboscis carcass) look at what happened to that animal.

Mercenary 1: Tonto...

Mercenary: Where is the guide?

Mercenary 2 is indeed missing. More rustling up above to the worry of the mercenaries, until two of our patchwork friends come in to the scene, carrying the tied up "General" Hamburg over their shoulders only to see the other crazed semi-military man staring at them.

Jim: Crap!

Roy: Crap!

Roy throws Hamburg into the brushes, he and Guy follow

Roy: Okay, prove yourself, if we untie you, you let it loose on these losers!

Hamburg: Mm-Hmm!

Jim: Compadres! Approach... the bush... carefully.

Another arrow shoots out of the small bush, it heads for Commander Jim, but one of the Mercenaries snatch it out of the air!

Hamburg: What happened!?!

Roy: Running again!

And he does, and they do, and Jim follows. Although he is obviously not the smartest, Jim is able to keep up with the three by destroying every tree that gets in his way.

Jim: Get back here!

The red-shirt mercenaries are left alone, with the spooky howling from the trees. Meanwhile, the patchwork duo manage to make it to a desert road, followed none too closely by Commander Jim.

Jim: I said... FREEZE!

Hamburg and the patchworks run for it, Jim doesn't follow

Jim: Aww, damn...

Jim dejectedly walks back into the woods, he sees the worried and confused mercenaries

Jim: Fall back, men

The mercenary who disappeared before returns.

Mercenary 2: Sorry, I had to take a pee, what happened?

Jim walks back to Engelem's door

Jim: Hey... I lost 'em again... I'm gonna need-

A secondary door slams in front of Jim, solidifying Engelem's order

Jim: Aww man...

Mercenary: What happened?

Jim: We're not allowed back in until we do our jobs

Mercenary: ...oh no

Jim: They fled off into the street, I guess you guys can stay in the w\forest and look for more spies and I can go after them

Mercenary: What if we go after them and you stay in the forest looking for spies?

Jim: Naaw, that nature stuff is your guys' specialty, I'm a man of action... But for this kind of out-of-control situation, I'll need help.

Jim takes out a cell phone and dials...

Jim: Hey Major! *garbled cell speech* This is Jim! *Garbled speech* Yeah, that Jim sir! *Garbled speech* Cause I was hired to defend a rogue lab in South America.

THIS TIME, WE CUT TO SEE THE MAJOR (Gary Busey) AT HIS DESK.

Major: WHAT??! That is not how the US military-  Are you calling yourself "Commander" again, Corporal? *Garbled, "It's the same thing, sir!"* ...Ohhh, boy... Where exactly is the secret lab?

Jim: In... umm.... South America, it doesn't matter sir, our quarry is on their way north of the border!

Major: (To an offscreen figure) Somewhere near the border of Central and South America (To Jim) Okay Corporal, I'll be right down, you keep doing whatever you're doing.

Jim: I'll go ahead of you, sir!

Both Jim and the Major hang up.

Major: Quarry? What the hell is happening down there?

BACK NEAR THE LAB

Jim: Boys, our job is just about done, we're about to meet a great man! Now move out!

The mercenaries hesitantly walk back into the woods, Commander Jim follows.

Roy, Guy, and Hamburg are still following the desert road, trying to hitchhike. Though most cars start driving faster as soon as they see the zombies and the military freak, a beat-up-looking 18 wheeler, driven by a man played by Robert Z'Dar stops for them.

Driver (Monotone): Hop in

The three do

Roy: Thanks man, we're being chased, they're kind of incompetant, but it's none the less dangerous. We need to get to Washington to let people know what's going on down there!

Hamburg: NO!! No Washington! Washington can't know what I've been doing down there!

Roy: Then where are we supposed to go?

Hamburg: Las Vegas... I have a few... ties that will come in handy...

Roy: *Sigh*

Driver: I can't go to Washington, they'll find out I've been picking up passengers and arriving at my destinations months late...

Roy: That's okay then, I'm sure we can find someone in Vegas... And if we can go a bit further, I have a friend in California.

Driver: I can't go to California either.

Roy: Why not? I'm sure people won't mind that you picked us up in California.

Driver: But they might find out what I did with THIS!

The driver produces a knife from under his seat!
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Mortal Envelope
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Karma: 37
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Manos...it's frightening!


« Reply #6 on: October 20, 2007, 05:36:59 PM »

Roy gaspes, Guy cries, but Hamburg laughs at the sight of the knife!

Hamburg, "that aint no knife mate...this is a knife!" as he flings out something from his pocket.

Driver: "that's not a knife either dude haha"

Roy, "sh!t...he's right...it's a toothpick!"

Guy, "it's not a tumor!"

Hamburg, "ok screw this!  pull this over...I challenge you to...to....a dance off!"

The driver slams on his brakes, almost jack-knifing the truck.  He parks at the rest stop and glares at our trio, "did you just challenge me to a dance off mutha #*#ka?!"

Hamburg, "yeah that's right! ...let's do it"

Guy sobs some more, "you know what happens at rest stops don't you?"

The rest of the group ignore him as they all get out of the truck.  Nearby truckers come out of their trucks and circle the group, awaiting the big scene.

A chinese trucker with a boombox presses play and the sound of MC Hammer blares through the entire rest stop!

Evil Truck Driver tosses the knife, "get ready...because I friggin make the booty bounce!" and the evil trucker starts the dance off with some crazy combo that turns into a head spin while the trucker circle cheer him on, "how's that for an opening b!tch?!"

Guy wipes his tears, "do you know how to dance Hamburg?"

Roy, "I think you better call for more back up"

Hamburg, "already did son...already did...they should be arriving right...about...now"

Just then, a throwing star flies into the Chinese Trucker's boombox, effectively killing the badly sampled 80s parachute pants song and out jump a group of NINJAS!

These ninjas are lead by a tall guy with a goatee!

Roy, Guy, and Hamburg, in unison, "yay ...it's Goatee Ninja!"

Goatee Ninja (played by Steve Guttenburg) screams (like ninjas do before they attack), "getttum!" and a huge brawl between truckers and ninjas tear the scene... 
« Last Edit: October 20, 2007, 05:48:34 PM by Mortal Envelope » Logged
Dave M
Guest
« Reply #7 on: October 20, 2007, 07:26:52 PM »

That 80's interactive bad movie rushed by too fast for me to say that  this is how it should have ended: http://www.atomfilms.com/film/eighties_ending.jsp
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Doc Daneeka
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« Reply #8 on: October 20, 2007, 07:31:23 PM »

+Dave, that should go in a commentary topic of some sort. BTW, I actually wrote a new ending to the old Interactive Bad Movie and posted it in another topic. Not too many 80s cliches, but it leaves it on something better than the just a dream thing IMO+
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Doc Daneeka
Tako Luka tuna fever!
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I want to eat a tuna!


WWW
« Reply #9 on: October 22, 2007, 02:03:12 PM »

Hamburg: I told you fellas I had connections!

Guy: I think I love you, maaannn!!!!

Roy: How do we get to Washingto- ...err Vega- ...errr Califronia now? In fact, how the hell do we get out of here?

Hamburg: WE won't get hurt! The ninjas' connections cover that, they don't hurt bystanders!

Roy: How do they know they won't make a-- We aren't even bystanders! We started the whole thing! Okay, how did all the ninjas get here anyway?

Hamburg: They travel through summoning jutsu!

Roy: What?

Hamburg: another dimension, filled with nothing but ninjas, giant animals, and missecllaneus ninja equipment!

Roy: Sounds boring

Hamburg: Well we like to keep them there, so they'll appreciate the real world more when we call them forth. They don't really have much of personalities anyway, they don't really mind

Roy: We who?

Hamburg: Ninja!

Roy: You're not a ninja! Ah, never mind...

Hamburg: Right, never mind!

Guy: Right, never mind!

Roy: Is there anyway we can get to California through summoning jutsu crap?

Hamburg: Not really.

Roy: Why not??

Hamburg: Because it's reserved for ninjas only! I'm not going to Vegas alone!

Roy: California! And that's ridiculous!

Hamburg: Also the scrolls tend to get burned a lot

Roy: Bah.

Out of the smoke and dust comes the sole survivor of the dance-off, the first driver!

Driver 1: Teach them to outdance me...

Driver 1 then promptly loses his threat, collapsing on the side of the road.

Roy: ...Hows about we take the truck?

The three pile in the truck, Roy gets in the huge drivers' seat, takes the wheel, and with the ignition still on begins driving, thumping noises of driving over dead bodies are heard under the 18 wheeler, to Roy's minor disgust

Hamburg: Oh, keep going, s**t happens, ninjas don't mind, they're not samurai, and truckers are probably honored to be-

Another thump, and a scream is heard!

Hamburg: -Nothing! Nothing, just keep going.

Roy: Sure!

It is clear that Roy is not as comfortable as he comes on to be, his zombie arms keep fluctuating, making driving slow and dangerous.

Hamburg: Maybe I should take the whee-

Roy: hell no.

Still the truck fluctuates due to Roy's crappy driving, and finally flips over on it's trailer, in the middle of the road

Guy: It's gonna bloooooooowwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!! ooooooohhhhhh...

Calmly, the trio pile out of the truck

Roy: Well at least I didn't let Hamburg drive.

Hamburg: Uh, huh... You sure showed me

Roy (Looking at the upturned truck now blocking the road): Well, at least all we have to do now is wait...

The three wait...

MEANWHILE, THE MAJOR TRAVELS HIS PRIVATE JET TO ENGELEM'S LAB COMPLEX. INSIDE THE BUILDING, ONE OF THE ORIGINAL COMMANDOES INFORMS ENGELEM OF THE APPROACHING CRAFT.

Engelem: So... it begins in truth now...

AS THE MAJOR'S PLANE TOUCHES DOWN AND BEGINS TO LOSE SPEED ON THE LANDING STRIP, AN IRON WALL EMERGES FROM THE GROUND, CRASHING THE JET! THANKFULLY, THE MAJOR, HIS SUBORDINATE (Stephen Tobolowsky), AND A FEW OTHER UNIMPORTANT SOLDIERS GET OUT IN TIME TO MISS GETTING KILLT

Subordinate: Sir! Units T15-T28 are neutralized!

Major: Still in the range of acceptable collateral, put it in your schedule to inform their families. The plane on the other hand will cost us, but I'm sure we can beat that and some surplus out of this, Angle-lem fellow

As The Major, The Subordinate, and a few soldiers converge upon the front door with weapons drawn, they are shot at with a stream of flames from nozzles around the door! The Major skillfully dodges back, and the subordinate kind of waddles out of the way, a few soldiers, but not a significant amount, are torched. Engelem opens the door himself and steps slightly outside.

Engelem: I'm sorry, the security is on at all times. I hope you don't mind, I suppose it's a small price to pay to have the chance to DESTROY MY RESEARCH!!

Major: You're right. I'll survive.

Engelem: We'll see...

Major: Indeed, we can never really tell.

Engelem: Step inside...

The platoon does so, ducking under a flying sawblade.

Major: Lets discuss a few matters, 1st and foremost, your landing strip is much too short!

Engelem: No, it is exactly as I intended it... Call it... A necessary precaution... A necessary precaution that I hope will not be necessary in the long run.

Major: Can't argue with that. Now, it seems you're conducting illegal experimentation here. What's your name, fill him in on the details.

Subordinate: Vernon, sir. Well, it seems based on information given to us by Corporal Jim, that there have been some things involving monkeys... zombies... "living semen crap", and "some things that the locals don't like to talk about", plus, he says you're a bit too crazy to be a smart guy, in his own words...

Engelem: That bastard, sold me out!

Vernon: On the bright side, he's says some of your inventions are ...wicked cool... if that matters to you.

Engelem: Indeed, my creations seem odd, but only because they are ahead of the scientific game!

Major: Listen, I don't know anything about the scientific game, I never bother myself in that stuff, I'm just here to shut you down if necessary

Engelem: I see, let's see if I may be able to explain myself in a way you are more able to understand... please... take two steps forward and everything will be explained

Engelem stares down The Major and Vernon, a few suspenseful shots of the floor two steps ahead and...

Major: I don't think so... I don't see anything amiss here really, but I'll be coming to check again, so don't get too comfortable, or do get too comfortable, whichever incriminates you faster...

Engelem (frustrated): I don't intend too... I shall be just comfortable enough... to destroy you.

CUT TO THE DOOR SHUTTING BEHIND THE PLATOON

Vernon: So... do you think there is something ...wrong here?

Major: 110%, Vernon, be sure to inspect that "2 steps forward" place, something is very wrong here...

IN CALIFORNIA, NOBLE BUT LONELY SCIENTIST Randy Phearson (Zach Galligan) SITS IN HIS LAB, HARD AT WORK... ALONE

Randy (Thinking): Hmm, from information released on this illegal, but benevolent hacking website, it seems the infamous among the scientific community Dr. Engelem is working on something mysterious in the South American foliage... I wish I could go... but my boss is such a hard-ass he would pass up a chance for scientific opportunity to make easy money!

His work is intruded on by Rebecca (I'll decide later)

Rebecca: I couldn't help but overhear your private monologue

Randy: Private monologue? I thought that was mental monologue

Rebecca: Your boss, he really doesn't treat you well enough

Randy: I wish, but I'm not Maine Gregorowicz... I'm afraid I'll be stuck at this desk job forever.

Rebecca: You're destined for greater things, you just need the right project to prove it to the scientific community!

Randy: I wish I could say the same about myself, wish I had the right project...

Rebecca: I'm sure you will soon, you got all the best grades in college ever, and even if you're the lowest payed, you're the hardest worker around here! All you need is some sort of project that will get you respect from the scientific world!

Randy: If only I was allowed to go deeper into the Engelem story!

Rebecca: DOCTOR Engelem?!? But he's dead!

Randy: Of course, but he's been falsely reported as dead at least 5 times in the last decade!

Rebecca: I still don't believe it! ...Maybe you shouldn't take this research up after all...

Randy: No! I will find out what Engelem is up to this time, and then I will shut that madman down for good and at the same time get the recognition I deserve!

Rebecca: But you're stuck here...

Rqandy: Oh well, I guess I can still dream...
Logged

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« Reply #10 on: October 23, 2007, 10:44:18 AM »

...suddenly, Randy's cell phone rings ...he frowns at the display name and  answers it looking none too happy, "yes Mom...what is it?"

Cut back to our trio and an overturned truck.

Roy, scratching his head, "what was this guy hauling anyway? has anybody even checked?" 

Guy slobbers, "it didn't blow after all?"

Roy opens the back doors to find a completely empty truck.

Hamburg, "I'm surprised really; usually everything explodes nuclear-style for no good reason in these types of films"

Roy, seemingly irritated, "well, what do we do now?"

Hamburg, "we walk along...and try to hitchhike!"

Guy studders, "tha...that, that doesn't seem-se-seem very safe!"

Hamburg, "look buddy...it's right here in the script" Hamburg shows the others the script"

Roy, "screw that script...let's start walkin' -there's no one around anyway so hitchhiking is out of the question"

The trio starts their very long walk in the desert.  They walk for several hours and not a single car passes them.  They are hungry ...and out of water.  Guy gets the bright idea to break open a nearby cactus and drink from it.  The other two follow and they continue to walk.

After about 45 minutes, Roy starts to feel kinda funny, "I think ...um...oh my...what the hell is that?!" as he points at absolutely nothing" before trippin hardcore, flapping his arms around like a bird.

Guy, "uhhhh blecckk!" and ralphs all over himself

Hamburg stops and stares at his hand for a brief second, which to him feels like an eternity; he speaks in ultra slow motion, "butterflies...flowers...she's my flower and she's mine!"

The three get way off course and end up lost in the huge sand dunes of a mega desert, tripping balls, mimicking that silly scene in Young Guns.

Roy, "you guyz!  youguysssss - did you see the size of that goddamned chicken?!"

<as your standard Pink Floyd song starts playing in the background>

Hamburg has a hallucinatory visual flashback nature call , which goes a little something like this...
« Last Edit: October 23, 2007, 10:46:50 AM by Mortal Envelope » Logged
Doc Daneeka
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« Reply #11 on: October 26, 2007, 09:22:43 AM »

GENERAL ALFRED HAMBURG! YOU ARE SENTENCED TO 1 MACRO-CENTURY IN THE SUBSTANCE ZONE FOR HIGH TREASON AGAINST BIG BENSONNN!!!

Hamburg: The grand inquisitorrrrrrrrr (The "R" echoes throughout the entire rest of the sequence), he's caught me! I cannot believe he caught me!1!! I should just kill myself now!

I wouldn't do that... dying in the substance zone means complete negation of self! as your form disappears, your soul is negated!

Hamburg: I'll die now then, before I get there!

too late!

Hamburg is poofed to the dimension of infinite substance!

Hamburg: APPLES! ORANGES! THE INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE! THEY ALL EXIST AT ONCE!

Don't give them those names! They don't have names here, only forms! Now, try to cling to your "ideas" and "thought"! Tell me: Is it safe?

Hamburg: Ummmm... I- I'm thinking! I'm thinking!

Answer the question! Issss The Warren Commission truuueee??

Hamburg: GOVERNMENT BALONEY!! You keep switching questions, just when I was about to answer the first one, well jokes on you! I actually know this one! TRUE! The government made up all that double-evidence to make everyone else confused!

Wrong! You killed him!

Hamburg: Noi!

You killed them all!

Hamburg: I killed no one! We were in college! College pseudo-government studies! They would have died anyway!

Now, you will join them!

Hamburg: I'll never!

You have no choice! WE ARE EVERYWHERE

The substance zone collapses around Hamburg and.... He wakes up, sleepwalking in the desert

Hamburg: Huh... They never were there, were they? That's pretty silly once you think of it... I feel better than I have in years!

Hamburg looks out to the desert, seeing Las Vegas gleam in the distance. Symbolism!

CUT TO GUY STUMBLING MINDLESSLY THROUGH A CANYON

Guy: Woooooowwwww

In one of the mountains is a cave, which Guy enters, in the cave there is an old, seemingly half-dead man, played by someone who may just be dead already

Man: helllo

Guy: HI.

Man: Are you lost, or are you just wandering?

Guy: I dunno... I lost The Mister Man and General Joe

Man: Well now that you are alone with me... maybe you can find your guide, you are already a quarter of the way there.

Guy: Vegas?

Man: No

Guy: California?

Man: No.

Guy: Washington?

Man: You are too concerned with this existance, what you need is to find the other plane

Guy: A plane?

Man: Ahh, no, the mode of transportation you will find is much more potent, perhaps not faster, perhaps not as effective, but better...

Guy: Peeeaaaceee :(

Man: Yes, peace... We can begin now.

The two sit over a very smoky fire...

MEANWHILE, ROY HAS BEEN WALKING BLANK-EYED THROUGH THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS WHEN HE SUDDENLY BECOMES MORE LUCID, LOOKING BACK AT ALL THE PEOPLE STARING AT HIM

Roy: Ohhh, s**tttt

Random guy: Dirty hippie! This isn't New York!

Roy: You're right! At least I'm somewhere!

Random guy: Dirty hippie!

Roy ducks into an alley, quickly realizing this is insane, he tries to duck out of the alley, but is held back by a shadowy figure!

Figure: Stay here!!

Roy: What are you?!

The figure emerges from the shadows, dressed in hand-me-downs and played by Judd Nelson

Figure: I'm Horace Brackenberg, you are a zomboid!

Roy: A what?

Horace: It's not an official term, but it's a frankenstein monster, a man put together with the parts of other beings! It's beautiful really, you can make your limbs sentient, disconnect pain receptors...

Roy: But I'm not from other beings, I guess I was just taken apart and put back together... well... 75% anyway.

Horace: It doesn't matter! You are amazing! I must have you!

Roy: Oh God, you're worse than Hamburg....

Horace: Hamburg? As in THE GENERAL Hamburg?

Roy: ...A friend of his?

Horace: I wish! Sure I've met with him, done work with him, known him since grade school, read all his autographed books, but I am still unworthy of the General's approval!

Roy: Oh geez...

Horace: The General is a one man stand against the metaphysical government! He was last known establishing surveillance equipment in some woods a few miles up from here.

Roy: Down from here, in South America

Horace: Obviously, he hasn't shown you the uberhypertheoretical version of the globe yet.

Roy: Sigh...

Horace: Where is Hamburg now?

Roy: We sort of got split up, drank from the wrong cactus

Horace: Ahh, maybe the right cactus! Right for the government!

Horace looks around

Horace: Hey man... I'll get you wherever you need to go, man.

Roy: Except Washington... Am I right?

Horace: Exactly! He's taught you something.

Roy: Oh geez, I wish he wasn't...

CUT TO: COMMANDER/CORPORAL JIM HIKING THROUGH THE WOODS AND ON TO THE STREET IN HOT PURSUIT OF THE FLED EXPERIMENTS, WHEN HE SEES THE DANCE MASSACRE BETWEEN NINJAS AND TRUCKERS, HE RADIOS THE MAJOR

Jim: Major! Are you in?

Major (Inattentively): Yes.

Jim: I've discovered a scene where our quarry may have been, I'll be tracking them.... Northleft

Major: Okay. *Hangs up*

Jim does a few faux tracking maneuvers before just starting to follow the road, while trying to scale the upturned truck in the road instead of going around it, he is disturbed by a scraping sound. It is the Z'Dar driver again, rising to confront the corporal

Driver: What are you doing on my truck, bub?

Jim: Sorry citizen, I'm a US Marshall, and I'm here pursuing an important quarry, have you seen any mutant freaks or obsessed paramilitary spies around here?

Driver: Who you callin' a citizen?

The driver comes closer, ready to brawl

Jim: s**t, this looks like a situation!

Jim throws down his AK-47 and whips out a large commando knife at breakneck speed

Driver: You call that a knife?

Driver whips out his larger knife and readies for battle

Driver: Now I'll tear you worse than I did those "Do not remove" tags...

Jim: Bring it...

The two have a knife fight (obviously)! jim, despite being an idiot, is quite well-versed at that knife between fingers game and applies this to his swordplay. The driver is no pansy himself, and the two fight for their lives, mostly Jim, whose various clothes are torn to shreds by the barrage, which does in fact bring out the pansy in him

Jim: Hey, non-citizen, we're pretty evenly matched, how about we call it a draw and you tell me where my quarry headed

Driver thrusts his knife down on Jim, who ducks, as the knife gets stuck in the Driver's trailer

Jim: Who's your daddy now?!

Driver, with a heavy slap knocks Jim's knife out of his hand and hunches over for a one-on-one fight

Jim: Crap! Hey man... we're both disarmed, can we call it a draw now, that would be a very... *gulp* manly thing!

Driver shows no intention of stopping his slow gait

Jim: All right! *Gulp* If you really want to die!

Jim charges for the driver's gut, the camera cuts from one fighter to the other, almost guaranteeing a final exchange of blows... until a car comes speeding down the highway and crashes into the upturned trailer! At last, the fiery explosion finally occurs, seemingly consuming all parties

BACK TO THE DESERT, GENERAL HAMBURG INCHES TOWARDS VEGAS, FINALLY COLLAPSING ON THE DOORSTEP OF A DELICATESSEN

Hamburg: Never the luck...

An enraged man in a tux (Don Niam) slams open the doors, accompanied by two similarily clad heavies to see who this uninvited patron is, lifting up his head

Tuxedo man (Irritated): Oh, it's him... *Evil grin* Bring him around the back, boys...

They do, to the apathy of a few bystanders on the street...
« Last Edit: October 26, 2007, 01:49:13 PM by Mr. Briggs Inc. » Logged

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Mortal Envelope
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Manos...it's frightening!


« Reply #12 on: October 27, 2007, 09:12:14 AM »

The two heavies (Gwedo and Bruno) drag Hamburg by the dumpster and Tuxedo man gives him a good slap, "so...you thought you could get away with stiffing me with that phone bill, didn't ya?"

Hamburg, a bit dizzy from the b***hslap looks up into the Tuxedo Man's eyes and recognizes him as one of his former college roommates, "Don?!"

...another smack, "it's Don Don now ...and I want my money for that phone bill!  You stiffed me with that bill with all those 900 numbers!"

Hamburg, "that wasn't me...I swear I didn't call them...besides, you still have my beta-max player...what happened to tha..."  -his sentence is interrupted by another smack followed by a punch in the gut from Gwedo.

Don Don, "so...you don't remember calling 1-900-Nuns-4-Fun?  or 1-900-Clown-Porn?!  Do you know what kinda reputation I had to live with because of you?!"

Hamburg spits blood at him, "I told you ...it wasn't me...ya lousy...stinkin...Comm Major!"

Don Don grabs Hamburg by the throat, "that sounds like more of the White Man's Lies (TM) ...you know I was gettin' my degree in theater!  Boys, take him to the dock and do something terrible.  I'll be conveniently elsewhere in the event he might escape."

Gwedo and Bruno scratch their heads at that last request considering they are in the middle of a desert ...but they shrug.  The two goons drag Hamburg off screen when Don Don makes a call on his cell phone, "yes, make him an offer he can't refuse...and if he refuses...put Quick Draw Mcgraw's head in his bed...that will make him...oh hold on...I got an incoming call"

Don Don switches over, "what's up doc?"
« Last Edit: October 27, 2007, 09:20:52 AM by Mortal Envelope » Logged
Doc Daneeka
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« Reply #13 on: October 28, 2007, 11:54:52 AM »

Doc(tor) (Andrew Divoff): It's midnight Don.

Voice (from other room): Who you callin' don? I'm the don!

Doc: That's another day the old man lingers

Don: s**t! Come on, he's got another month, tops!

Doc: He's younger than you think

Don: Too young for my tastes! Dammit doc, can't you cut some corners, get him out at double-time? You are a doctor you know!

Doc: I may be a dirty doctor, but it's beyond anyything I know to try and speed this up any more

Voice: Try! I wanna be out of here by next week! Is Don on the phone?

Doc: Yeah

Voice: DONNIEE!! What's new?

Don: *sigh* Weirdest thing, remember Al Hamster? That guy, went to college with me, who tried to carry out some dumbass job to try an earn a favor, ended up using my old golden rotary to call for clown porn? just crawled up to my doorstep, half-dead, so, I told Gwedo and Bruno to "take the leftovers"

Voice (takes phone): Leftovers, huh? Hamburg? I know a Hamburg! Lemme talk to him!

Don: Don, I took Hamsturd to the docks way across town, he won't bother us anymore.

Old Don: Well get him back! We owe him a favor!

Don: God, Don! If you were 4 years younger and less brain damaged you would finish him too!

Old Don: Look, my mind's not what it used to be, so let's let this one schmuck take advantage of that, okay?

Don: You wouldn't have let him take advantage of you if you were 4 years younger and less brain damaged!

Old Don: Look, my mind's not what it used to be, so let's let this one schmuck take advantage of that, okay?

Don: aww, geez... Well, I'll see if I can make it in time, don't worry if I don't! *Hangs up* I'm gonna run things a bit differently when I get in charge...

DOWN AT THE DOCKS (IN NEW YORK, HOPEFULLY UNBEKNOWNST TO OUR AUDIENCE), THE TWO THUGS ARE PLAYING (MONKEY IN THE MIDDLE) WITH HAMBURG, HIS FEET COATED IN QUICK-DRYING CEMENT BEFORE THROWING HIM OFF, WHEN DON APPROACHES. HE SAYS NOTHING FOR A WHILE, UNTIL GWEDO ACTUALLY PUSHES HAMBURG OFF OF THE DOCK

Don: Allright boys, bring him up

Bruno: Wh-

Don: NOW!

Bruno dives to get Hamburg

Gwedo: The old-

Don: The old Don!

Bruno emerges with Hamburg

Hamburg: AHA! I knew someone owed me a favor! Good ol' Don Juan Bovi, he always like me!

Don: Let's get something straight, Hamsturd! No one owes you anything but a painful death, and the old don hates you, he's just too damn brain-damaged to know it!

Hamburg: How dare you speak that way about the don!

Don: Good God, he's only gonna be alive for a month tops... what a damn month...

Hamburg: That's a month you've gotta listen to me, shnooko!

Don: Guys, pick Hamster up and take him back to the restaurant.

Hamburg (Triumphantly): And it's Hamburg now!!

Bruno: He says it's Hamburg, boss

Don: No, it's not.

Fair enough, the Don's boys carry Hamster back to the restaurant.

IN HIS OFFICE, RANDY PHEARSON WATCHES VARIOUS NEWS STORIES ON TELEVISION, HE COMES ACROSS THE FIERY EXPLOSION CAUSED BY THE CAR HITTING THE DRIVER'S TRAILER.

Announcer: It is supposed that the Commander was the only survivor of the conflict. He had very little to say to us when we asked what motivated the struggle, he only told us that he was on the trail of a gang of zombie freaks, which he claimed were created by the thought dead Dr. Jonas Engelem. He allowed our reporters to follow him as he made his way towards the Las Vegas area.

Phearson: That's it!

Phearson clears his desk in one sweep of his arm, picking a few files off and taking a tote bag off the floor. He makes his way towards a big official room at the end of his hall and walks inside to confront his hardassed boss

Phearson: Mr. Dumas!

Bossman: That's "doom-boss"!

Phearson: I don't care! I'm going to investigate the Engelem thing! I'll be taking a leave.

Dumbass: A LEAVE?? you're fired!

Phearson: You can't fire me!

Dumbass: And why not?

Phearson: Because... if you fired me I would logically be hired by another in a matter of days. I would, of course go to one of those research businesses slightly under yours, and while the new company would overtake this one in a few months, this one would become slowly less respected and production would fall 200%

Dumbass (in tears): I hate you, Phearson!

Phearson: And I request that Rebecca go with me!

Dumbass: Dr. Forster? I can't let you do that, she's working on some important triviality right now!

Phearson: She can take a leave from that too!

Dumbass: If you take her, she's fired!

Phearson: Then she'll be fired!

Dumbass: Okay, she is!

Randy storms out of the boss's room, nearly running into Rebecca on the way out

Randy: Rebecca, there you are.

Rebecca: Yes.

Randy: I'm sorry... Dumbass just fired you.

Rebecca: W-Why...

Randy: He wouldn't let you go with me to investigate the Engelem case... I insisted and...

Rebecca: Ohh... you're so brave, but you didn't have to do that for me, I was already on the Engelem case.

Randy: Well now we'll work together, pack your things and meet me at my electric car!

Rebecca: I'll be right there!

Randy leaves, as we follow rebecca to her office. Inside, we see that everything has been destroyed. Rebecca is dumbfounded! A random employee barges in after her with a large titanium rectangle and a pink slip

Random employee: Oh... looks like somebody beat me here.
Logged

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« Reply #14 on: October 29, 2007, 11:23:45 AM »

Rebecca: um..yeah

She frantically searches through the mess looking for her super secret brief case that had the only printouts of any clues she has found thus far, "dammit all to hell -it's gone!"

Security shows up due to her loud cursing and they escort her out.  She meets up with Randy at his car and gives him the bad news.

Randy, "well, looks like it was a great time for me to have borrowed this!" as he pulls out her lap top Commodore 64C computer!"

Rebecca, astounded, "yes! but...um...why did you borrow that in the first place?"

Randy, "well, I was in the mood to play some Donkey Kong late last night and your computer was the only one old enough to run it"

They hop in the car and start heading out, rather quickly...well as quick as his electric car can go at a whole 30MPH.

Rebecca, "where are we going in such a hurry?"

Randy, "we're trying to get away from THEM!" as he points to a couple suit-wearing moped riders that are closing in on in the rear view mirror as the other traffic zips by the lot of them like they aren't even moving.

Randy dodges left and right, trying to loose the moped riders but he just can't shake 'em.  We get a bird's eye view of this slow motion car chase for a few moments.  He darts off and around a corner as fast as it's possible and heads through a tunnel, but they still persue, "I can't shake these bastards!"

Rebecca, "oh yeah, watch this" as she pulls out some strange electrical gun and zaps one of the mopeds, which shuts down the moped engine before blowing up near-nuclear style, but the other moped rider dodges the explosion no problem!

Randy, "dayum!"

Rebecca, "damn is right...it was a one-charge gun!  What do we do now?!"

Randy, "wait!  there's my uncle's restaurant ...stop there!"
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