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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Other Topics  |  Off Topic Discussion  |  What I learned from the internet this year !! « previous next »
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Author Topic: What I learned from the internet this year !!  (Read 5642 times)
Allhallowsday
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Either he's dead or my watch has stopped!


« on: December 14, 2007, 11:26:43 AM »

This was emailed to me by a good friend this morning. 

WHAT I LEARNED FROM THE INTERNET THIS YEAR

       I now must scrub the top of every can I open.
 
       I no longer have any savings because I gave it
 to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in
 the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
 
       I am not worried about my savings at all, because that
 will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
 Gates/Microsoft and AOL are  sending me for
 participating in their special e-mail program.
 
       I  no longer worry about my soul because I
 have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.
 Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
 
       I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
 actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
 feathers.
 
       I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
 though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day
 
       I have learned that my prayers only get
 answered if I forward an email to seven of my
 friends and make a wish within five minutes.
 
       I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
 remove toilet stains.
 
       I no longer can buy gasoline without taking
 someone along to watch the car so a serial killer
 won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
 
       I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since
 the people who make these products are atheists who
 refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans .
 
       I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave
 because it causes cancer.
 
        I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
 anymore because it will blow up in my
 face...disfiguring me for life.
 
       I no longer check the coin return on pay
 phones because I could be pricked with an infected
 needle.   
 
       I  no longer go to shopping malls because
 someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob
 me.
 
       I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx
 since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
 
       I no longer shop at Target since they are
 French and don't support our American troops or the
 Salvation Army.
 
       I no longer answer the phone because someone
 will ask me to dial a  number for which I will get a
 phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
 
       I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman
 Marcus since I now have their recipe.
 
       I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
 big brown African spider is lurking under the seat
 to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
 
       I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the
 parking lot because it probably was placed there by
 a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my
 leg...
 
       I can no longer drive my car because I can't
 buy gas from certain gas companies!
 
       If you don't send this e-mail to  at least
 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove
 with  diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
 this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels  will
 infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
 I know this  will occur because it actually happened
 to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
« Last Edit: December 14, 2007, 02:18:17 PM by Allhallowsday » Logged

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asimpson2006
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Posts: 887



« Reply #1 on: December 14, 2007, 11:39:51 AM »

What I have learned

There are no women on the internet.

The men are men, the women are men, and little kids are FBI agents

The internet is a series of tubes.

The internet closes at 6:00 PM

Clearing cache and cookies out will prevent sites from knowing who you are.

Cookies gives you viruses.

Using History in your browser is an AWESOME way to store your favorite websites.

Disabling your firewall, for a second will cause hackers attack your computer like a zombie attacking a live person.

It's never your fault it's always somebody elses fault.

Disabling Firewalls are not good trouble shooting steps.


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Jack
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Posts: 10327



« Reply #2 on: December 14, 2007, 01:47:11 PM »

I learned that Symantec's customer service guys in India know about 1/100th as much about computers as I do. 

I learned that Cialis, Viagra and penis can be spelled 9,000 different ways.

I learned that Africa is full of multimillionaires just waiting to send me money, as soon as I open an account for them.



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Allhallowsday
B-Movie Kraken
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Either he's dead or my watch has stopped!


« Reply #3 on: December 14, 2007, 02:23:39 PM »

Hey, if you guys wrote those, you're brilliant!   (Particularly the one about African multimillionaires...) TeddyR  Thumbup 

My favorite of the ones sent to me:
       I no longer check the coin return on pay
 phones because I could be pricked with an infected
 needle.
 

Though I might like this one best, since I got this one in an email only in the last year or so:
      I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
 big brown African spider is lurking under the seat
 to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
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raj
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
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Karma: 110
Posts: 2549



« Reply #4 on: December 14, 2007, 03:24:06 PM »

I learned that there are no dogs on the internet.
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RCMerchant
Bela
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Posts: 30440


"Charlie,we're in HELL!"-"yeah,ain't it groovy?!"


WWW
« Reply #5 on: December 14, 2007, 06:27:54 PM »

Karma,Hallows!!!! Tara Sue...in her infinite innocence (for want of a better word) actually begam corrospndence with one of those african millionaire scam scums...and they began callinig our house ALL the time! I ended up using the most foul language ever imagined...and actually told him I was going to hi-jack a plane and atom bomb his house!  Buggedout

 Of course that would be a little difficult.... Lookingup
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Interviewer-"Does Dracula ever end for you?
Lugosi-"No. Dracula-never ends."

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https://www.tumblr.com/ronmerchant
Allhallowsday
B-Movie Kraken
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Karma: 2280
Posts: 20726


Either he's dead or my watch has stopped!


« Reply #6 on: December 14, 2007, 07:11:29 PM »

Karma,Hallows!!!! Tara Sue...in her infinite innocence (for want of a better word) actually begam corrospndence with one of those african millionaire scam scums...and they began callinig our house ALL the time! I ended up using the most foul language ever imagined...and actually told him I was going to hi-jack a plane and atom bomb his house!  Buggedout

 Of course that would be a little difficult.... Lookingup
BounceGiggle Sh*t, you should be knocking me... Innocent is right.  I hope she learned her lesson...?    Buggedout
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flackbait
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
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Karma: 109
Posts: 1025


The fate of the last door to door salesmen


« Reply #7 on: December 15, 2007, 12:23:22 AM »

I learned that duct tape can double as a bandage!
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CheezeFlixz
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Karma: 496
Posts: 3747


Pathetic Earthlings


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« Reply #8 on: December 15, 2007, 01:06:04 AM »

I'm not worried about getting ripped off from an African banking scam because I've already won 20 million euro's in the EU's email lottery. I know this is true I got an email saying I won, several of them actually. Yep that check should be here any day now.
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asimpson2006
Bad Movie Lover
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Karma: 46
Posts: 887



« Reply #9 on: December 15, 2007, 07:16:31 AM »

I'm not worried about getting ripped off from an African banking scam because I've already won 20 million euro's in the EU's email lottery. I know this is true I got an email saying I won, several of them actually. Yep that check should be here any day now.

To make it legit make sure you send them money when you get the check.
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indianasmith
Archeologist, Theologian, Elder Scrolls Addict, and a
B-Movie Kraken
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Posts: 15182


A good bad movie is like popcorn for the soul!


« Reply #10 on: December 15, 2007, 10:54:45 AM »

I learned that Barack Obama is a Muslim, undoubtedly an Al Qaeda fifth columnist waiting to destroy our country from within, and that Hillary Clinton was a lawyer for a Black Panther drug dealing murderer when she was still in college . . . .



and that THE GOLDEN COMPASS was actually made by Satan . . .
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"I shall smite you in the nostrils with a rod of iron, and wax your spleen with Efferdent!!"
Allhallowsday
B-Movie Kraken
*****

Karma: 2280
Posts: 20726


Either he's dead or my watch has stopped!


« Reply #11 on: December 17, 2007, 12:08:59 AM »

I learned that Barack Obama is a Muslim, undoubtedly an Al Qaeda fifth columnist waiting to destroy our country from within, and that Hillary Clinton was a lawyer for a Black Panther drug dealing murderer when she was still in college . . . .
and that THE GOLDEN COMPASS was actually made by Satan . . .
Those are all true... you believe me don't you??   TeddyR   Thumbup
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If you want to view paradise . . . simply look around and view it!
Susan
Guest
« Reply #12 on: December 17, 2007, 08:02:21 AM »

i learned that armed with a video camera...anybody can become a celebrity

Small | Large



Although i really like this guy. He picks a monument and dances in public in front of it to appropriate songs

Small | Large



I also learned that since being on the net since 1992 people are still stupid and forward chain mail that's been floating around since....the 90s!


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Raffine
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Posts: 4466



« Reply #13 on: December 19, 2007, 02:09:03 PM »

I learned I'm giving myself plastic cancer because I freeze my water bottle.

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Killer Bees
Newly Appointed Government Employee and
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
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Posts: 1287


Never give up on love


« Reply #14 on: December 23, 2007, 09:17:13 PM »

I learned I'm giving myself plastic cancer because I freeze my water bottle.



Actually you get plastic cancer from reusing the same water bottle over and over.   BounceGiggle
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