Woot! Woot! My first review!
DEVIL TIMES FIVE
Copyright Company and Date: Barrister Productions Inc. 1974
Submitted by HOLLIS
Rick- Julie's girlfriend. He dislikes her dad, Papa Doc. Gets his throat slit by a "nun".
Julie- Rick's girlfriend. She hates what I can only assume is her stepmother, Lovely. Stabbed in the neck.
Lovely- The slutty wife of Papa Doc. Eaten by piranahs.
Harvey- Whimpy bald doctor who want a better job. He looks like a rabbi. Chopped up with hatchet.
Ruth- The alcoholic wife of Harvey. Set on fire.
Papa Doc- Julie's dad. I guess he's the don of mental institutuion mafia. Killed by a swing.
Ralph- The caretaker of the winter home. He's special. Hung by a rigged generator.
Dr. Brown- A doctor from the asylum. Has about three minutes of screen time before he dies. Beaten to death by the tiny sociopaths.
Sister Hannah(George?)- Crazy kid who is not really a nun. Leader of the gang of psycopaths.
Susan- Pyromaniac. Is easily bored by dead bodies.
Brian- Little black kid who is obsessed with the military.
David- Whiz kid sociopath and avid crossdresser.
Moe- Tiniest Psycho. Likes fish.
It is inappropriate for nuns to comment on your hair.
STUFF TO WATCH FOR
9min- Man, that black kid really sucks at telling whether or not people are dead.
15min- Catfight! (Not that I'm interested, but you guys out there might be.)
28min- WTF? The night gown has reappeared!
62min- Wait, who is that? The pyro, maybe? Oh my God, it's David!
66min- Oh, the gore!
"How you spreading your butter with a spoon?"- Rick says this to Papa Doc, after discovering the absence of knives in the house.
My brother's the one who first noticed this movie. I believe his reaction was something along the lines of, "Devil Times Five? What's that even supposed to mean? Is Satan in a math class?". Okay, the last part of that dialogue didn't really happen, but I'm sure he thought it. My point is that, as much as I wanted to share this adventure with my brother, I finally broke down and watched it by myself. I must admit that I was very much surprised. This film wasn't bad. It was quite good actually, a solid three in anyone's book. (Or, at least, in my book, which is currently the only book that matters in reference to this film.)
Let's get rocking. The film starts out in a scenic wintry setting. A school bus is driving through a snow-covered country side. Well, that it for that part of the film. Now we meet Rick and Julie, who are about to embark on a journey to visit Julie's dad, Papa Doc, and spend a weekend at his vacation home in the mountains. Now we cut back to the bus, which is being driven by some dude in, like, totally awesome shades. For reasons unknown, he loses control, and the bus tumbles down a steep hill.
After a scene of Rick and Julie's car driving, the point of which is only to make sure that we, the audience, understand that it is very snowy and cold up in the mountains, we come back around to the sight of the bus crash. Here we see sister Hannah, a nun, praying over what we can only assume is a dead body. Then, the little black boy, Brian, confirms that everyone else in the bus is dead. However, Brian missed David, who crawls out of the bus, complaining that they missed him. So, to tally it up for you, out survivors are Susan, Moe, Brian, David, and Sister Hannah. The nun bundles some things up in a blanket, and the group sets off across the snowy landscape.
Back to Rick and Julie, the young love muffins have met up with Papa Doc in some restaurant. Here they are joined by Lovely, Papa Doc's wife (definitely a second one), and Dr. Harvey and his inebriate wife, Ruth. What kind of doctor is he, you ask? I haven't the slightest idea, but I suspect it has something to do with psychiatry. We cut to the crash sight again. Dr. Brown stumbles out of the wrecked bus, talking about how he has to catch the children, and screaming "Brian!" over and over again.
Back to the other group, you know the ones who aren't psychos (Oh, did I ruin it for you? Then youíre an idiot.) have arrived at the winter home high in the mountains. Here we meet Ralph, the caretaker of the home. Ralph is slightly mentally retarded, or "funny in the head,Ē as he calls it. Now, I liked Ralph. I donít' know why, but I did. It's a pity that he's going to die soon (hence the use of past tense). Anyway, we learn that Lovely has a thing for Ralph, who doesn't reciprocate her feelings. Julie walks in on Lovely tormenting the poor sap, and a cat-fight ensues, during which we learn that (gasp!) Lovely has slept with Rick. The drunk walks in and breaks things up.
We then cut to the demented kidís club, who are hiding out in what I can only guess is the winter house's basement. The unfortunate Dr. Brown soon enters the children's new hideout and is subsequently bashed in the head by the Sister. What precedes is a slo mo pummeling of the doctor by the kiddies. This scene is unbearably long, maybe because it was filmed in slow motion. I was yelling at the kids to hurry up and kill the dude. You have to get used to it, though. Whoever made this movie really liked to film the kids in slow motion. (Kinda creepy, no?)
Anyway, Dr. Brown gets his life ended, and we learn that he's a doctor from a children's mental institution. We will leave the children and their new dead friend and visit with the group of normal people. Rick and Julie have some fun in the bedroom, if you know what I mean, and Harvey imagines confronting Papa Doc about his crappy job. Ruth gets fed up with Harvey's BS and goes to get some more liquor. She finds the children sitting in the living room, and runs upstairs, screaming about the "little people.Ē To everyone's surprise, there really are little people (better known as children). The normal people ask the kids about what happened, and why they're here, and they kiddos tell them about the crash and how theyíre the only survivors, etc. Moe says she is sick, and Dr. Harvey says he will have a look at the children. Papa Doc tries to phone the police (presumably), but the phone lines are out (they were previously severed by a hatchet wielding psycho), and so the children are going to stay at the house overnight. (I'm including the nun as a children, because everyone who's not in this movie knows she's not really a nun by now.)
After supper, the aforementioned nun breaks a plate in a fit of rage over something Brian said, and Papa Doc yells at Ralph to fix the generator, which has mysteriously stopped working. Ralph flips a switch on the machine, and is somehow hung. (I have no idea how this could have logically happened, seeing as how you kind of have to put some kind of noose around you neck for it to work.) Thus, ends the life of the only character in the movie I cared about. Oh, yeah I know you're supposed to care about Rick and Julie, too, but I don't really have any emotions about these people. Characters in old horrors movies always blend together to me.
The body of Ralph is eventually found when Rick comes by to complain about the heat still not working. He and Papa Doc decide to go into town to tell the police, and Rick shares his doubts about the childrenís innocense with Harvey.
The car doesnít start (bet you didnít see that one coming), and so the adults all sit together to try and figure out what to do. David overhears a conversation between Rick and Harvey, during which Harvey complains about how weird David is. Later, when Harvey is out chopping wood to heat the house, David comes by and chops him. Itís quite funny actually. David barely nicks him with the hatchet, and Harvey dies instantly.
David blames the death on someone named George. I have absolutely no idea who or what George is. It is never explained. He is mention earlier in the film, but never makes an appearance, and the closest guess I can make is that it is some split personality of Hannah. The strange thing is that the adults accept his explanation. How the hell do they know who George is? Heís not real! Heís not in this movie EVER. So, if anyone out there sees this movie, and figure out the whole George paradox, please let me know.
Any who, now the adults are freaked out. They gather in the living room for safety, but Lovely decided to take a shower. All might have been well if she hadnít yelled at Moe and thrown her ďbabyĒ (itís a stuffed fish). This causes the little psycho and the nun to seek a gruesome revenge, in which they hold Lovely under the water and pour Papa Docís piranhas into the bath with her. Not that she didnít deserve it. She was an annoying slut, anyway.
The rest of the adults rush into the bathroom after Julie discovers the blood-filled bathtub. Looking out the window, Papa Doc sees the children dragging the body of his Lovely across the snow, toward Ralphís place. Despite Rickís objections, he rushes over to the house, ready to kill the children. Brian impales him on a killer swing, however, and the psychos move out to the main house to get rid of the rest of the adults.
Ruth, who is still quite drunk, stumbles out into the backyard, looking for Susan. Brian and David dump gasoline on her, and Susan sets her on fire. Meanwhile, Rick and Julie make a last attempt at escape by running down to the dock, where Papa Docís boat is tied up. The kiddos start shooting at them. They have really good aim, seeing as how itís pitch dark outside.
Rick and Julie decide itís best to hole up inside one of the bedroom until the snowplow come. The gang of whack-jobs, seeing that they canít really do anything about the two remaining survivors, goes to grab a bite to eat.
In the morning, David climbs up to the room via a ladder and stabs Julie in the neck with a javelin. Yes, you heard me correctly. Itís a magical vanishing javelin, too. Watch, and youíll see.
Rick, distraught over the death of his lady love, swears to kill the children. Later, when he sees that they seem to be enthralled in building a snowman out of the corpse of Papa Doc, and have left their guns unprotected, sneaks out and tries for one of the weapons. He didnít account for bear traps, however, and is soon given an extra mouth on his neck by our resident whack-job nun.
What happens next is actually quite cool, albeit creepy, and so I wonít ruin it for you, in case my awesome review has just completely compelled you to watch this movie. If you ever need a good flick for a late Friday or Saturday night, you wonít be disappointed by this film.