Texas Chili Cook-Off

[indianasmith]

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this scenario can be. There is actually a Chili Cook Off in Texas about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. In this little story, Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors
Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.



CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.



CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a Uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the bearmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT....just like this nuclear waste I eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 LISA'S - LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off! If really ticks me off that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



VERA'S VERY - VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.



CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. My pants are filled with lava to match my shirt. At least during the they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM's TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

[Trevor]

 

Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair

Judge # 3 -- This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a Uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.

**I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. My pants are filled with lava to match my shirt. At least during the they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach.

Karma, indiana: I haven't laughed like that in a long time.

[Trevor]

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.

 

I forgot this one: my colleagues at work are wondering why I'm laughing so much that I'm actually crying, but it's all good. 

[Trevor]

 

This thread has kept me smiling all day. 

[Andrew]

Ah, I think I've seen some version or another of this humor article before.  It's still funny.

We don't get to make very spicy chili at present.  The kids are still a bit young, so the chili has to be toned down.  I will say that I've never liked really spicy chili.  I like the stuff to be spicy (usually around medium-hot as the scale goes), but with good flavor.  Don't make the "hotness" overshadow cooking up something that is also tasty.

[BoyScoutKevin]

Living in Texas, though it's been awhile, I've seen that joke before. Thank-you, indianasmith. But, with due respect, every Texan knows that is a true story, but it did not happen in San Antonio, but in Terlingua, where the first and still the best chili cook-off happened.

[Killer Bees]

I don't like eating food that tries to eat me back, so I only use a hint of cayenne powder in my chili 

[BoyScoutKevin]

I would say this joke seems to be making something of a comeback. As the same joke was posted at another website, which I frequent.

[frank]

poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

We all know what happend to another guy from Springfield (although probably not Illinois) tasting "really hot chili"...

Especially the one with the dangerous Guatemalan peppers grown by mental patients...

[Ash]

Hilarious story Indiana!  (never heard it before)

All this talk of chili is making me crave some.  
It's been awhile since I've had good chili.  My mom can make killer chili but she hasn't made it in a long time.
Usually I just buy a can of Hormel w/beans and throw it on some hot dogs or pour it into a bowl and nuke it in the microwave.



What do you guys eat with your chili?
I prefer those small oyster crackers and a couple slices of white bread slathered with creamy peanut butter.
Oh, and a tall glass of ice water.  
(I could never drink beer with any kind of food)