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Author Topic: New York City Horror Film Festival  (Read 1472 times)
Hollis
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The millionaires have unleashed themselves!


« on: March 10, 2008, 08:18:04 PM »

NEW YORK CITY HORROR FILM FESTIVAL
Rated: Not Rated
4 slimes
Copyright Company and Date: Vanguard Cinema 2008
Submitted by HOLLIS



THE CHARACTERS

Old Man- Old Man from the first short. Turned into a robot by an amputee.
Crazy Amputee- The aforementioned amputee. Was made an amputee by the old man.

Whore of Babylon- The whore of Babylon. She loves Cup-o-Abominations.

Young Whoremonger- an unlucky fellow who finds himself caged after soliciting a prostitute. Shot in the head.
Sadistic Cop- A sadistic "cop" who has confined our young whoremonger in a cage. His wife is not really his wife. He is axed in the back.
Prostitute- The cop's wife. See, I told you she wasn't the cop's wife. She's a prostitute, or I wouldn't have labeled her as thus. Shot in the chest.
Old Lady- The copís mother. She kills young whoremonger.

Ted- Founder of Non-Abductees Anonymous
Ivan- Man who thinks the aliens won't abduct him because he is too fat.
Warren- A man who fakes an alien abduction.
Girl with Big Hat- A girl, with a big hat.

Working Guy- A man stuck alone at work watching horror movies late at night. You do the math. Probably Stabbed.
Slasher- The slasher in Slasher Flick. They sure are creative with names, arenít they?

Old Lady- An old lady who is unhappily wed to the hate of her life. Most likely killed in a car crash.
Old Man- Aforementioned hate of the old lady's life. Gets stabbed by the old lady.
Waitress- A waitress at a diner. Her boyfriend has a thing for butts.

Young Woman- A young woman alone in the subway. Rape bait, but she gets away.
Rapist #1- A man who tries to rape the young woman. Eaten (I'm just guessing) by a monster.
Rapist #2- Another rapist. We don't actually see him accost the young woman, but you get the idea that he wants to.
Monster- A revenge seeking monster. Kills rapists.

Young Maniac- A young maniac who was driven insane by the loss of his family. Is dolled up and raped.
Madman- His name isn't really Madman, but he has a tattoo that says that, and so that's what we're going with. Dolls up and rapes young maniac.
Sweet Irene- A stripper who is killed by young maniac, thus envoking the rage of Madman.


LESSONS LEARNED

Being stabbed in the shoulder will cause you to bleed from the mouth.
When all else fails, kick 'em in the crotch.
If there happens to be only one man in the subway with you, then he is a rapist.
It is possible to perform a sex change using duct tape.



STUFF TO WATCH FOR

Cup-o-Abominations
2 min.- The angel's mouth isn't moving right.
2 min.- God-King gettin' it on!
Entrapped
3 min.- The bars of that cage seem really flimsy.
Non-Abductees Anonymous
5 min.- They remind me of salmon swimming upstream to breed.
Slasher Flick
1 min.- Is anyone else reminded of House on Haunted Hill?
Subway
5 min.- The light going off and the match going off didn't corrospond.



NOTABLE QUOTES

 ďHey, the Whore of Babylon loves them, youíll love them, too!Ē


THE PLOT

    What first attracted me to this flick was the cover. You tell kids not to judge a book by it's cover, but then again, we lie to kids about alot of things. Anyway, I digress, back to the cover. It had a lage, bloody hand bursting through a firey orange newspaper background, triumphantly grasping the title, New York City Horror Film Festival. It also had a little disclaimer of sorts, which read as follows:WARNING! CONTAINS SCENES OF EXTREME VIOLENCE. NOT FOR MINORS, THE SQUEAMISH, OR THE FAINT OF HEART! Now, as many of you have probably already guessed, this warning is complete crap. Most of the shorts on this movie are comidic in nature, and in no way do they contain any scenes of graphic violence, or violence in general for that matter. The last short, I'll admit, is very disturbing, but other than that, nothing in this movie is all that bad.
     Now, if you haven't figured it out by now, this film is a collection of shorts, which will make parts of this review a little cumbersome, to say the least, but let us never mind that and get straght to the meat of this review. Being the sensible person that I am, we'll start with the first short, Plasticity 1.7 (or maybe it's just Plasticity, I'm not really sure, and it's credited as both. The short itself said 1.7, so we'll go  with that.) Itís apparently based on a play called Plasticity 1.3. I wonder why they changed the number. Is seven really that much scarier than three?  Anyway, a man wakes up in a garage of sorts to find that parts of him have been robotizied. I was a little scared for a moment, because he's blindfoled with tape and baby socks, but I thought that the baby socks were swollen face flesh. Very creepy looking. The man apparently caused an accident in which a young woman lost her legs, and now she's back, years later, to return the favor by making him a machine. Now, I'm not too hip on amputee knowledge, but she walks amazingly well for someone who's legs were blown off in an accident. She has prostetics up to her thighs, and I just don't see someone waling as well as she does with completely fake legs. If they were just a little fake, I could understand, but completely fake? She doesn't even limp.
   The second short is very strange, to say the least. Cup-O-Abominations is not what it seems. It's starts off with a reading from the book of Revelations, chapter 17, to be exact (maybe thatís why they called it Plasticity 1.7). What starts off as a cartoon about the whore of Babylon turns into a commercial. I think it's supposed to be for  cereal, but I'm not too sure. The jingle at the end is simply halarious.
   Moving on, we'll hit the third short. It's called Entrapped, and it deals with a man who finds himself confinded to a cell after he (unknowingly) sleeps with a cop's wife. Nothing is really what it appears to be in the this flick. The cop is not a cop, his wife is not his wife, and the man is not a man. Okay, I lied on that last one, but you get the idea.
   The fourth short, Non-Abductees Anonymous, is definatly one of my favorites. If your confused by that title, don't worry, I was, too. The short is about a support group for people who haven't been abducted by aliens. I found it to be extremely funny, especially since I grew up in a home where conspiricay theories and alein abductions were part of everyday conversation, and so I won't ruin it for you by telling you about it in detail. If you can't find the movie and you want to see it, this short can be found on the internet. 
   My other favortie is the fifth short. Isn't that nice, getting two good flicks back to back? What a majestic bit of happenstance! Slasher Flick pokes fun at, well, the slasher flick. It has alot of parts that frequenters of this site should really like. A young man staying up late at work to watch a slasher film fest is surprised to find that he is visited by the killer from his movies. He deals with the monster in a very effective manner, after the usual screaming a blubbering in terror, and the ending is very nice. I looked, but you can't find this one on the internet. It's a pity, I wanted to send it to my brother.
   We go right from a great short into a bad one. Well, it's not bad, it's just kind of slow and boring. In Tomorrow's Bacon, a bickering old couple stops by an out-of-the-way diner to get directions back to the highway. The waitress is wary of the couple, as they have clearly become physically violent with each other. The couple eventually leaves, and later crash into a telephone pole, causeing the power to go off back at the diner. As the waitress leaves to check out what's wrong, we see that a knife is missing from the counter. I'm not sure about who took the knife. From the title, you'd guess it was the waitress, who is going to go cannibal and slice these people into fry-able strips of meat. However, the woman left in a hurry, while the waitress's back was turned, and I don't think that she was carrying a knife when she left the diner. So, I think that it's far more likely athat the old woman took the knife and offed her husband in the car, causing the subsequent crash.
   Next we have Subway, a tale of extreme vengence. Not really, but it sounded pretty cool. It's not that bad. I'm still not going to beleive that there is a subway anywhere that is that empty. There would have to be someone down there. A homeless guy, an insomniac, a creepy old man, anyone. Anyway, this film starts off with a woman walking through the previously mentioned  deserted subway. A man comes out and tries to rape her, but she gets away. Later, the man is murdered by a vengeful monster. At the end of the short we see the woman alone in the subway again. A man approaches her, and she smiles evilly. I was a little surprised. I don't know why, but I thought that the monster was going to be her boyfriend.
   The last short is, as I have previously said, very disturbing. Strike that, it's extremely disturbing. I had to force myself to watch it twice, and I was still just barely able to do that. It would be a travesty to write down exactly what happens in Scream for Me, but have to at least inform you of what happens in this peice of utter trash. Basically, a young man is tied up and given a home-made sex change by a psycopath we'll call Madman, and then raped by said psycopath. Yeah. It's very wrong. I almost ran from the room screaming "My eyes! My eyes!" when I watched it the second time. They throw in some dialouge, where by we learn that the young man was driven insane after his family died (he might have killed tham, but I'm not sure. Iím defiantly not going back and checking.), and he thinks that if he can hear someone else scream just right, he will know the meaning of life, or see God, or something like that. After his violation by insano, he realizes that he doesn't have a soul, or that God doesn't really exist, or something like that. I'm sure this crap was just thrown in to give the horrific rape parts a "deeper meaning". As far as I am concerned, this short can go and jump off a cliff. In fact, I wish it would. Freeing the world of sometihng as awful as this short would be something to be celebrated.
   In conclusion. This is a good flick. It would have gotton a five if it wearn't for the abomination that calls itself Scream for Me.
Logged

"If you break it down, movie magic is just a bunch of people moving s**t."
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