The Stoned Age
Trimark Pictures 1993
Submitted by AshTHE CHARACTERSJoe
- Headbanger dude with long red hair. Loves Blue Oyster Cult.
Got hit by a laser at one of their shows and saw the Gnarly Eyeball.
He gets nervous around chicks and it takes a lot for him to really speak his mind.Hubbs
- Joe's best friend. Headbanger dude with long black hair.
He's kind of a bully and used to getting his way, but deep down he seems goodhearted.
His goals in life are to get drunk, stoned & laid. (and not necessarily in that order)Tack
- Lowlife friend of Joe & Hubbs. Has no class and grosses the chicks out.
He tells Joe & Hubbs about the chicks and where to find them. Jill Wajakawakawitz
- China Kantner! (daughter of Grace Slick)
One of the Chicks.
Reserved and bookish. (but totally hot)
Visiting from San Jose and staying at her dad's place in L.A. with her friend Lanie.
Hooks up with Joe.Lanie
- The other chick. Smokin' hot babe and Jill's best friend. She likes to tease the boys and Bacardi 151 makes her crazy.
Hooks up with Hubbs.Crump
- Just some dude who works at the local gas station.Crump's Brother
- Yes, that's his name thoughout the entire movie.
Very dangerous and completely insane! Known for thrashing people with his steel-tipped boots and beating his enemies to a pulp.
Knocked out cold by Jill's dad.Norm "Snot-Rag" Hankey
- Nerdy friend of Tack's who drives a badass Camaro.
He'd rather be home watching "The Dukes of Hazzard" but Tack drags him along for the ride. The Guzzlers
- Large group of beer drinkers who are friends with Joe & Hubbs. All get beat up by Jill's dad and then hauled off to jail by Officer Dean.Muldoon
- Jake Busey! Preppy rich guy who doesn't allow "burnouts" at his parties. Busted by Officer Dean.The Buffalo Chicks
- Lonely overweight trio of girls who'd just love to get it on with Joe & Hubbs in a game of "Submarine".Liquor Store Clerk
- Taylor Negron! Disco dude who works at the local liquor store.Officer Dean
- Local police officer who likes to talk about all the bad stuff he did before he became a cop.Jill's Dad
- Angry old dude who is none too happy when he comes home and finds the Guzzlers camped out on his front lawn and Joe & Hubbs hanging out in his house.
Single handedly beats up the Guzzlers, Crump's Brother and roughs up Joe pretty good.The Gnarly Eyeball
- A giant floating eyeball that Joe sees periodically throughout the movie.The Schnappster
- Giant jug of Peppermint Schnapps that pops up throughout the movie.
It'll make you hork.LESSONS LEARNED
Flicking a big jug of peppermint schnapps with your finger makes an electronic "DING" sound.
Don't Fear the Reaper is not a p***y song!
Skankweed turns the chicks off.
St. Helens Malt Ale tastes like horse p**s.
I still don't know what "Submarine" is. Neither do Joe & Hubbs.
Liquor warehouses are super easy to break into.
If you stare at the Moon long enough, you'll see the Gnarly Eyeball.
Crump's Brother's only weakness is Jill's dad.STUFF TO WATCH FOR
8 min: This is what happens when you play "Dont Fear the Reaper" in the Blue Torpedo.
9 min: Tack tells Joe & Hubbs about the chicks.
15 min: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST TACK!
17 min: Joe & Hubbs meet Lanie.
24 min: Joe & Hubbs meet Jill
29 min: Joe & Hubbs p**s in Jill's dad's ice tray
39 min: MOST GRATUITOUS CAMEL TOE SHOT EVER FILMED!
46 min: RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
49 min: Tack, Snot-rag and the Guzzlers burgle the liquor warehouse
50 min: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST JOE!
62 min: Joe pukes in Jill's dad's chair.
60 min: They're smoking weed out of an Ox 45 can. Gross!
75 min: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A RECORD PLAYER!NOTABLE QUOTESJoe
: "What kinda chicks are gonna talk to Tack, man?"Hubbs
: "I don't know man. They must want it real bad."Joe
: "I thought your brother got popped for thrashin' on that Samoan guy man, with his steel-tipped boots?"Crump
: "Naw man, he got out last week. Guy lived."Joe
: "Give us, uh, six bucks worth of dinosaur juice, man."Hubbs
: "Naw man...Five bucks and a pack of Reds."Joe
: "That chick Lanie, she's so cherry man, it hurts."Hubbs
: "She's hot for me, man."Joe
: "Yeah, then you woke up."Hubbs
: "You're thinkin' too much. You just gotta go for it!"Liquor Store Clerk
: "151! Are you gonna boogie with the foxes tonight?"Hubbs
: "Well you can go home and spank the monkey with your greasy grandpappy dude, but I'm gettin' laid!"Mrs. Hankey
: "Don't be such a poopy-doodle!"Tack
: "All we need is some Ox 45 and that chick is ours!"THE PLOTThe Stoned Age
is a stoner flick set in the 70's and is often compared to Dazed & Confused. It even states on the front of the DVD case, "Better than Dazed & Confused
I have no idea why because other than being set in the 70's, it is nothing like Dazed & Confused.
Basically, what happens in the film is every single guy's dream.
Two guys go out cruising for chicks and find them. And they get lucky!
The movie opens with words scrolling up the screen and a voice-over narration that says:"Once upon a time...
In a land called Suburbia
There lived a noble breed of men
Men who spent their lives
on a never-ending quest
And Fine Chicks..."
Yep. That pretty much sums up this film.
We learn early on that Crump's Brother spotted a couple of fine chicks down at the beach and he's on a mission to make them his.
Word of this gets to some of the Guzzlers and they tell Tack. Tack walks off, scheming to score these chicks for himself and the opening credits roll.
Joe & Hubbs are introduced to us during the opening credits while cruising in the Blue Torpedo, a Volkswagon model that I'm not familiar with.
I've had discussions with my friends about this car and one went something like this:
Me: "Dude, would you drive that car?"
My friend: "Hell yes I'd drive it!"
It has all of these weird and cool designs painted on it and about a hundred stickers adorn its backside.
Yeah...even though at first glance it appears to be a P.O.S., I'd still take it for a spin.
Joe & Hubbs are on the prowl for chicks, drugs and alcohol.
Unfortunately, Joe only has some nasty skankweed his brother sold him and a giant jug of peppermint schnapps they've affectionately nicknamed, "The Schnappster."
So their chances of wowing any chicks they encounter aren't good.
They stop at a few places and learn of one party from the Buffalo Chicks, but their luck changes when they run into Tack hitchhiking along the side of the road.
Tack tells them about the chicks Crump's Brother spotted.
Joe & Hubbs don't want to take Tack with them because, well, Tack is quite a disgusting guy.
Tack will only tell them if they bring him along and Hubbs grudgingly lets him in the car.
Tack reveals that the chicks are staying "across from the old Frankie Avalon place".
The trio stops at the local gas station where Crump confirms to Joe & Hubbs that his brother has plans to go find the chicks.
Hubbs devises a quick plan to ditch Tack. As Tack is getting a squeegee to wash the car windows, Joe & Hubbs take off. Tack tries to cling to the passenger side of the car but Hubbs backhands him in the face, making him fall off the moving car and onto the ground.
Joe & Hubbs finally arrive at the chick's house and meet Lanie.
She'll only party with them if they can score some Bacardi 151 so Joe & Hubbs head to the liquor store.
While there, Joe tries to buy some 151 but the liquor store clerk stops him after Officer Dean walks in.
On the way back to the chick's house, Hubbs takes a bottle of 151 out of his coat pocket that he stole from the liquor store.
So now that they've scored the 151, they go back to the house and this time, Jill answers the door.
Joe & Hubbs (well, it's more like Hubbs) immediately take a disliking to Jill. She isn't like Lanie and has some bad things to say to them.
She says, "You guys must be looking for the homo sponge bath party
Aside from Jill, who doesn't drink anything, they slam most of the 151 mixed with orange juice in one of those Sunny Delight bottles! Did they even have Sunny D in the 70's?
Tack and Norm "Snot-Rag" Hankey stop by the chick's house and Joe & Hubbs, not wanting the guy to girl ratio messed up, try to throw Tack & Snot-Rag out.
Lanie gets angry and asks if they know of any parties.
As a matter of fact they do!
Muldoon is a preppy rich kid who lives in Palos Verdes estates and he's having a big house party.
Joe & Hubbs don't want to go to it because since they're headbangers, they don't really fit in with Muldoon's crowd.
Lanie insists they go and so they head off to Muldoon's party in Snot-Rag's kickass Camaro.
Muldoon lets the chicks in but stops Hubbs, Joe, Tack & Snot-Rag from entering the house.
Tack goes to take a leak in the neighbor's pool while Joe & Hubbs find the Guzzlers in Muldoon's backyard drinking out of a keg of St. Helen's Malt Ale. (it tastes like horse p**s)
Joe spies Muldoon trying to make a move on Lanie and Lanie slaps him good.
Joe tells Lanie that he has some pot so they ditch Hubbs & Jill and hitchhike back to Jill's house.
Since Jill has the key to the house and they can't get in, Joe & Lanie sneak over to the neighbor's pool and decide to take a dip.
This sets up what is probably the MOST GRATUITOUS CAMEL TOE SHOT EVER FILMED as the camera pans up Lanie's body.
Joe appropriately says, "Whoa
When Lanie realizes that the pot Joe has is skankweed, she is a litle perturbed.
Hubbs sneaks up behind them, grabs Joe from behind in a headlock and rips into him about ditching friends.
He cockblocks Joe by stripping down to his boxers and getting some serious kiss action from Lanie in the pool.
Joe doesn't much like this so he starts throwing the poolside furniture into the pool which causes the owner of the home, a huge burly guy with long black hair, beard & mustache to come out with a baseball bat.
They manage to avoid him (Joe knocks him into the pool) and head back to Jill's where Joe unsuccessfully tries to put the moves on Lanie.
Lanie doesn't take too kindly to this and puts Joe in a headlock and throws him to the floor.
Hubbs eventually takes Lanie into the bedroom where they get it on hot & heavy. (they have sex)
Jill wants Joe & Hubbs to leave and storms out of the house when Joe refuses.
Joe follows Jill to the beach where she kicks him in the nuts and then talks to him for a bit.
The entire time, Joe has been taking swigs from The Schnappster and as he stares at the Moon, it transforms into the Gnarly Eyeball and then back to the Moon again.Whoa!
Joe and Jill go back to her place only to discover the Guzzlers camped out in front of her house.
She and Joe try to get rid of them but Joe sticks his foot in his mouth by saying something about Jill in front of them and Jill stalks off into the house leaving Joe at the mercy of the agitated Guzzlers.
They rough up Joe but he eventually escapes into the house and smokes some of the skankweed with Jill out of an Ox 45 can. Gross!
If you've ever smoked weed out of a can, you know what I'm talking about. It burns your lungs and tastes like aluminum. Definitely not the best way to smoke marijuana.
I'm not approving of drug use, but let's just say that I've been there & done that. :)
Speaking of which...
For a movie titled "The Stoned Age", there is a surprisingly small amount of weed smoked. Most of the time it's only talked about and when it is actually brought out and smoked, you don't really see it and the smoke that the characters exhale is a tiny amount.
You'd think that with an R rating, pot would be everywhere in this film but nope, it isn't.
After Hubbs is done with Lanie, he comes downstairs and tries to put his moves on Jill. He's interrupted when they hear Crump's Brother yelling outside.
Crump's Brother is angry as hell that Joe & Hubbs tried to "worm" his chicks and starts beating on the front door and yelling, "Hey you f***in' worms lemme at my chicks!!!"
He manages to kick two gaping holes in the front door and Joe & Hubbs fend him off with fireplace implements.
Before long, Jill's dad arrives and knocks out Crump's Brother and all the Guzzlers.
He's pretty p**sed off that Joe & Hubbs are in his house and attempts to beat them up too. Hubbs jumps out the top story window but Joe is captured. Jill's dad calls the cops, but before they arrive Hubbs breaks out the sliding glass patio door with a giant umbrella and he & Joe escape.
On the way out, Jill stops Joe and gives him a big kiss.
She wants to give him her number and tells Joe that her last name is Wajakawakawitz.
(It's pronounced "Why-ja-ka-wok-a-witz". Got that? Ok good!)
Joe & Hubbs make it back to the Blue Torpedo and head for home.
On the way back, Joe puts Hubbs in his place when he again plays "Don't Fear the Reaper".
They head off into the night and the rest is history.
There are a number of anachronisms in this film.
For example: This movie is set in the 70's but you'll see cars that are clearly 80's and early 90's models.
When Joe & Hubbs go to the liquor store, there is a sign for Marlboro Miles on the inside of the door. Marlboro Miles didn't exist until the early 90's.
Another fun bit of tivia: (quoted from the IMDB) "The beer all the guys drink in the movie is called Ox 45. The script originally called for them to drink Colt 45, but Colt 45 wouldn't allow it because they refuse to endorse under-age drinking. So their drink of choice was changed from Colt 45 to Ox 45."
Many people think that this is a bad movie and they would be right. It is bad.
But it's bad in a good way.
It has somewhat low production values, anachronisms and some mediocre acting in certain parts. But you know what? It's entertaining and more importantly...not boring!
I've shown this to friends and some have hated it. I've shown it to other friends and they loved it. So much that they went out and bought the DVD.
You'll notice that it has a lot of random acts of violence. This is one of those films where every so many minutes, someone hits another person or hits something else. Whether it be a backhand punch to the face, a kick in the groin or a kick to an inanimate object, there's a lot of hitting going on in this movie.
So is this a bad movie? Yes...it is. And I love it!
Now let's be noble men and go find some chicks!
Click on any of the thumbnails to see them in full size
-----------------------------------------------------Check out the opening scenes...
(NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!)Joe & Hubbs Meet Lanie
(NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!)