A Taser as a gift?

Saw this on another board, thought I would share!

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I
was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I
came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-
term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety....

'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought
it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the
same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,
right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if
I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like
a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be
wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little
device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that
a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt
all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for
heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button, and

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do
it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,
one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst
when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it
is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **%!!! A minute or so later (I can't
be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected
my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and
both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return!! Still in shock!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me
with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."