You're in charge of Hollywood, what're the next five blockbuster remakes?

[WingedSerpent]

I'm in charge?  All movies contain the line "WingedSerpent is awsome" Ha! I kid.

It conqured the world.  We'll give the killer turnip a bio-mechanical H.R. Geiger make over.

Devil Girl from Mars.  We need an actress with exotic looks and a figure for tight leather outfits.  I want to say Angelina Jolie because she has great...uhmmm..eyes, but she's a little overplayed right now.

Teen Age Strangler:  Give it a Fast and Furious tone "He didn't still no bike neither. I did" will be the hottest selling t-shirt. 

Dunwitch Horror: I'm still waiitng for a Lovecraft move done right.

Finally, done in 300 style Frank Millar-esque action is Wild Women of Wongo.  Why Wild Women of Wongo? Becasue I like saying Wild Women of Wongo.  It's fun.

 

[Inyarear]

1. Double Dragon
This version will have a real martial arts expert playing Billy and Jimmy (or twin martial arts experts if the talent agency can find them) and will involve Billy going up against Black Dragon's gangs of cloned thugs in a rather noirish post-nuclear L.A. on a quest to rescue his girlfriend Marion from Jimmy as in the famous Nintendo game. No stupid amulets, no brightly-colored clothes (since dark blue and dark red uniforms will do just fine); it's just Billy and his skill and his wits against a world full of blue-collar thugs armed with blunt weapons and dynamite. Any "message" or major exposition will be saved for the end when Billy confronts Jimmy.

2. Doom
This is the version in which they really do open a literal gate to Hell... and there's no "they" about 20 minutes into the film, just a lone traumatized space marine fighting for survival against hordes of reanimated former allies and demon-possessed extraterrestrials.

3. The Punisher
In this latest remake, Frank Castle actually acts like the character in the comic books in addition to wearing the trademark pirate flag uniform.

4. Back To The Future
Time to fire up the nostalgia machine! A teched-up internet junkie from our time gets transported back through time to 1984 and has to find his way around the world (without any help from the internet) that his parents inhabited when they were teenagers.

5. The Wizard Of Oz
Unlike the original, this remake will be a lot more like the book and will therefore actually mesh pretty well with the 1985 sequel-without-a-prequel, Return To Oz.

[Kester Pelagius]

Dunwitch Horror: I'm still waiitng for a Lovecraft move done right.

That's the problem with cerebral horror, it doesn't translate well to the big screen.  At least not when most scripts are the equivalent of literay cheeze whiz.

My five picks for this month's re-tread consideration are. . .

5. THE INVISIBLE MANIAC - I'd almost forgotten this film existed.  But, if ever there was a low budget schlock fest worthy of getting a re-tread, it's this. Of course I'd crank up the sleaze and make it more of an in-your-face fight-the-power anti-MPAA thing.  Okay, sure, that would mostly be hype.  But either they'll give it a NC-17, thus forcing me to refuse the certificate on political grounds, or not.  If not.  Well the admats will all rant on about how this was the movie the MPAA tried to ban.   

4. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA - This would be a remake of the original, leaning more toward using the story as found in the novelization.  It would be in three parts, each part being roughly an hour long, there would be lots of nudity when the Galactica arrives at the pleasure planet (as hinted at in the book) and starspangled space battles to make Lucas whimper with shame.  No, this wont be made with an eye toward leaving it open ended for a series.  This will be made as a movie movie.

3. THE NEVER ENDING STORY - There was just one problem with the original, as far as a movie supposidly aimed at teen boys this isn't much of a teen boy's fantasy.  That's right I'd keep it real and throw in scantily clad dancing girls, exotic nubile slave girls, monsters to gratuitously slay, and all the stuff that makes purveyors of political correctness burst into flames with rage.  One look at this movie and they'd be. . .

2. GOR - I've never read the novels.  Don't plan to.  But I'd hire a scapegoat, er, I mean a knowledgable person to direct, perhaps from the fan community, and let them go nuts.  No holds barred.  Nothing but GOR!   

1. CAFE FLESH - Strange PA flick.  Interesting premise.  I'd hire a writer, expand the story to actually have a plot, and populate it with Z-list celebrities like Paris Hilton and, uhm, er. . . maybe have Kathy Griffith in it for comic relief.  Oh, yeah, and that hairy porno dude would have to have a cameo in it.

Comments?

[Flangepart]

BRIDE OF THE MONSTER : With the cast  of RETURN OF THE KILLER TOMATOS! John Aston as Bela, and Cloony as Tor Johnson! And they play it strate as the Wood cast did. Yee hah!

THE GIANT CLAW! I second that concept. going guano-a-guano aginst Mal Reynolds and Kaylee...I know, forgot their names...

CREATURE FROM THE HAUNTED SEA. : With Jim Carry ( Hero) and Tommy Lee Jones (headbadguy)

BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS. : The Jay and Silent Bob version.

THE BEAST FROM 20.000 FATHOMS! : Same monster design, but faster and meaner.

[ghouck]

1. As much as I like it, I really don't think there is anyone that couldn't make Deathrace 2000 better. If was good, but there just wasn't enough of the good stuff. I imagine it was monetary reasons there were only 6 cars in the race. I would have used around 20 and had them take each other out or show some awesome crashes.

2. I would re-make Caligula, only with more nudity and sex scenes.

That's all I have so far. .
 

[AnubisVonMojo]

1. As much as I like it, I really don't think there is anyone that couldn't make Deathrace 2000 better. If was good, but there just wasn't enough of the good stuff. I imagine it was monetary reasons there were only 6 cars in the race. I would have used around 20 and had them take each other out or show some awesome crashes.

Given that Deathrace 2000's appeal was never the story but the car violence, after seeing Speed Racer I think the Wachowskis could make a truly memorable 90+ minutes of automotive genocide that fans could be proud of! Crazy car designs, splattered pedestrians, and Frankenstein's infamous hand grenade. 

[Kester Pelagius]

1. As much as I like it, I really don't think there is anyone that couldn't make Deathrace 2000 better. If was good, but there just wasn't enough of the good stuff. I imagine it was monetary reasons there were only 6 cars in the race. I would have used around 20 and had them take each other out or show some awesome crashes.

Given that Deathrace 2000's appeal was never the story but the car violence, after seeing Speed Racer I think the Wachowskis could make a truly memorable 90+ minutes of automotive genocide that fans could be proud of! Crazy car designs, splattered pedestrians, and Frankenstein's infamous hand grenade. 

Except this is a movie being shat out by the Hollywood system, which means there wont be any "splattered pedestrians".  Last I heard they'd decided to re-imagine DEATHRACE as a arena style combat between prisoners.  Which, in my book, makes them idiots.  DEATHRACE 2000 was a spoof movie about cross country car racing, ala CANONBALL RUN, only set in a over populated future dystopia.  (Can you Say culling of the masses?  I knew you could!)  The current story for DEATHRACE soundS like it's close to plagiarism of THE NEW GLADIATORS.  Which, if memory serves, might have been based on a book.

Of course we know how bad, or good, a movie is can't be fully judged until we actually see it.  Sadly the more I hear about this re-enivisioning the less I care.

[Bill C.]

First and foremost: I would probably fast-track the long-long-rumored Westworld remake, add some vaguely A.I. us-versus-the-robots stuff to it...and this time there would damn sure be killer fembots.  After that?  God only knows...

The aforementioned Soylent Green remake could be a viable updated "social commentary" piece, turning the food into some sort of power source or so on.

Oh, wait: I would track down Michael Davis (director of Shoot 'Em Up), give him sixty million dollars and the original Shane Black Last Action Hero script, and say "Go nuts."

[ghouck]

How about Fantastic Voyage?
 

A tad off subject, but the cartoon "Sealab 2021" did an episode mocking FV, titled "Craptastic Voyage", and is one of the funniest things I've seen, but, my sense of humor is a bit out there. (It's called "Craptastic Voyage" because among other things that go wrong, they are initially injected in the subject's butt). It's also loaded with Star Wars references. .

[akiratubo]

5)Ready for this? ... Diatron-5.  It was allllllllmost good, IMHO.  It just needs to make a teeny bit more sense and we're all set to go.
http://www.badmovies.org/forum/index.php/topic,106533.0.html

4)Another entry (NOT a remake) to the Daimajin series, but they were all petty much the same movie in the first place so it could technically be called a remake.

3)Galaxy Rangers, live-action and as faithful to the cartoon as possible.  I would keep Shia LaBoef, M. Night Shayamalan, Michael Bay, Spielberg, hell just about everyone operating in Hollywood now away from it.  No big name actors, no product placement, no innapropriate songs from whatever group the studio's parent company is promoting, etc.

2)King Kong Escapes.  I wouldn't let Peter Jackson direct it but I want to see his version of Kong vs. Mechanikong, dammit!

1)Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors, not so much a remake as a FINAL episode.  It would be cell-animated, same character designs as in the 80s, same score, with Darrin Baker, Gulio Kukaruguya, and Dan Hennessey reprising Jayce, Saw Boss, and Oon.  It would be the movie that SHOULD have been made back in ''86 before TransFormers tanked at the box office and scuttled it.

[Derf]

I think maybe I'd start by catering to the Direct to Video crowd, with all the cardboard sets, bad CGI, cheesy midi muzak, and good looking women who can't act.

My first five remakes would be five different versions of The Most Dangerous Game.

The third version would be set in the future, in outer space. This time, I'd make the protagonist a woman.. who looks good in a bikini... who's just escaped from prison... with a friend, who also looks good in a bikini, and they crash on a planet, where they encounter Zaroff and another castaway, who also looks good in a bikini... and Zaroff would be chasing them around in their bikinis, and they find a stash of really, really huge guns... and The Cramps would write a song about it!

Late to the game, I know, but this one's been done: Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity (1987).

I am not a fan of remakes (thus my lateness to this thread), but occasionally I'd love to see some updated effects in some films. Movies like The Tingler would benefit, but I'd make sure to retain the elements of suspense over the storyline and not turn it into just another effects fest. Theatre of Blood could be another fun remake, and that one would benefit (sort of) by going more for the effects-fest style.

I might even consider remaking something like Monster Squad, with a real effects budget and some more gore (go for a full R-rated movie rather than a PG). It might not play to the intended audience (adolescent boys), but then, today, it just might.

[indianasmith]

A huge, R-rated version of GONE WITH THE WIND with state of the art combat scenes, cameos by all the major historical figures of the civil war, and maybe a love scene between Rhett and Scarlett!!

And some zombies!

[ghouck]

Oh, yeah, and that hairy porno dude would have to have a cameo in it.

Comments?

You mean Ron "The Ronster" Jeremy? Lol, he should have a cameo in EVERY movie made.

There's a guy I was in the Army with, who claims he and his family met The Ronster in Vegas in the 80's. As a joke, my friend told his mom it was Mario Andretti in order to get her to take a picture with him. He says the picture hangs in the local pub, and EVERYONE in town knows the joke except his Mom.

Anyway, , I've been getting off-subject quite a bit lately. . . must be that A.D.D. thing again. . .

[Doc Daneeka]

I wanna be a filmmaker for reals! I wanna make good remakes!

5. Neon Maniacs - Actually working on a script for this one, naive as it may be. The maniacs aren't quite as incompetant here, they have an origin story, and the thing is set to run about a half-hour longer because I do not instanlty think "sequels + franchise". PM me for more info, too tired to post any more now, just want thousand posts!

4. The Return of Count Yorga - Yes, another naive dream! I want this remake (Incorporating elements of both "Return" and "Vampire") to actually be an eerie prequel to a big-budget vampire film, maybe an overhyped trilogy... For now I want 1000 posts

3. Spookies (not "Twisted Souls", I liked Kreon and Co.) - My plan to make the plot make more sense, get ahold of all previous scripts, keep classic puppetry effects, and make it an actual horror-comedy in this both humorless and scareless world of horror .

2. Puppet Master (After succesful sequel to cap off series, another naive dream :P) - basically go scene by scene (Adding a few for character development, taking out very few, making it into a straight chiller) with heightened suspense and more creative camerawork.

1. SaW - To prove a point.

-1. Phantasm - Because if I don't some music video director probably will.

I think I had a whole list of movies I want to remake and why around my comp. somewhere, right now I just want my thousand posts!

[LilCerberus]

I think maybe I'd start by catering to the Direct to Video crowd, with all the cardboard sets, bad CGI, cheesy midi muzak, and good looking women who can't act.

My first five remakes would be five different versions of The Most Dangerous Game.

The third version would be set in the future, in outer space. This time, I'd make the protagonist a woman.. who looks good in a bikini... who's just escaped from prison... with a friend, who also looks good in a bikini, and they crash on a planet, where they encounter Zaroff and another castaway, who also looks good in a bikini... and Zaroff would be chasing them around in their bikinis, and they find a stash of really, really huge guns... and The Cramps would write a song about it!

Late to the game, I know, but this one's been done: Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity (1987).

Actually, all five of 'em have been done, & more than once.