You're in charge of Hollywood, what're the next five blockbuster remakes?

[Derf]

I think maybe I'd start by catering to the Direct to Video crowd, with all the cardboard sets, bad CGI, cheesy midi muzak, and good looking women who can't act.

My first five remakes would be five different versions of The Most Dangerous Game.

The third version would be set in the future, in outer space. This time, I'd make the protagonist a woman.. who looks good in a bikini... who's just escaped from prison... with a friend, who also looks good in a bikini, and they crash on a planet, where they encounter Zaroff and another castaway, who also looks good in a bikini... and Zaroff would be chasing them around in their bikinis, and they find a stash of really, really huge guns... and The Cramps would write a song about it!

Late to the game, I know, but this one's been done: Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity (1987).

Actually, all five of 'em have been done, & more than once. 

I figured. But I own this one. 

[LilCerberus]

Maybe I could clear out all those incomplete scripts, novels & fan-fics, etc. that I've been accumulating all these years, and use them all in a remake of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (1947), Every Home Should Have One (1970), The Projectionist (1971), Didn't You Hear... (1983), and UHF (1989).

There are times, commuting makes me imagine I'm either in a Mad Max movie, or the Pinchcliffe Grande Prix.
Some days, whether it's a plastic injection molder, one-color offset press, or a mic mixer, all those buttons & switches tend to make me imagine I'm either in a Star Wars movie, or a James Bond movie.

There's probably dozens of ways you could go with a pathetic loser in a crappy job, and a few half-hearted action skits.

[Evan]

Overall against remakes but If I were to choose:

5-Not a remake but the Sequel to Buckaroo Banzai where he does indeed fight the World Crime League.

4- Ninja Terminator the musical. What else would america need outside of a Godfrey ho film turned into a musical? With better charactor development, and a mix or martial arts and choreography, this could be a very enjoyable film.

3-The Mechanical Man from 1921. I would love to see this done with a much larger budget but set in the 20's and using the same design for the robots.

2-Raw Meat (or Death Line to others) set in the NY subway system. I would like to focus more on the victims being captured and for the original ending to be kept.

1- Zombies of Mora Tau. Utilizing real underwater sequences with mucho zombies (somewhat like Fulci's Zombie but not all the gore) and still keeping with the voodoo aspect of the film. Also keeping the actors in the film to a generally older age or using not as well known actors for all the roles.

[Kester Pelagius]

The Five Picks for July are :

BATTLE QUEEN 2020 - The remake would actually be about a post-apocalyptic warrior woman and have lots of action, thrills, chills, and atomic powered androids, mutant chainsaw hookers, and plague-zombies to kill.  It would basically be the story of Boudica in a Mad Max setting and would star Scarlet Johanson.  Their would also be a evil scantily clad Priestess of Taco Bell (or whatever sponsor we get) played by Lindsay Lohan.

CYBORG - No kick boxing, no faux judo-fu, and van Damme would have a cameo as some unnamed white lab coated guy working in a pre-Apocalypse corporate lab.  The lights would start to blink, the building would shake, and the roof would come down on his head and then the opening titles would scroll.  The rest of the movie would be about survivors of (an unspecified) apocalypse tunneling into this facility, finding the skeletal remains of the mystery man, then accidentally activating the cyborg.   We see the cyborg "born"- naked woman falls out of tube of goo- and the rest of the movie is the exploration of the PA landscape by the cyborg, who would be played by some relatively unknown actress.  Plot?  We don't need no stinking plot!

PANIC IN YEAR ZERO - Updated for the 21st century.

A SOUND OF THUNDER - Remade by someone that actually has a clue. No baboon-raptors or bat-pterodons, no magic butterflies that reset reality by somehow eliminating extinction level events when they get stepped on, no magic McGuffin "time waves" that pop up only when the writer has no clue how to actually move the plot forward by creating an actual plot, and no going back to the same point in time over and over and over and over and over and over to murder a T-rex or allosaur or whatever the frack that thing was supposed to be.

VAMP - Make it a "teen comedy" that's actually funny and populate the strip bar with actresses who actually get naked and have a few real strippers in the flick for, uhm, authenticity.  Yeah, that's it, just keeping it real!   

[JaseSF]

THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN: as much as it's kinda sacrilege to think of Hollywood nowadays remaking this classic, there's so much one can do with it....so many adventures one can have the lead have along his journey. Perhaps even explore the world on a microscopic level.

THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN: by the same token, one could view the world from the opposite perspective and look also at the psychological and physical defects of growing uncontrollably large.

THE HIDEOUS SUN DEMON: Yet another human being faced with significant change. Here perhaps we could have some type of disease brought about by something in nature instead of radiactive experiments.

THE CRAWLING EYE: update the eye monsters, make them truly Lovecraftian nightmares but keep the film in Black and white, with loads of intense fog and a mostly unseen menace. Could be a blockbuster if cast right.

DOCTOR WHO: THE CYBER DALEKS: The good doctor facing an unforseen nightmarish menace which seems only natural as the Cybermen and Daleks both look to enhance themselves.

[Ozzymandias]

Ozzymandias speaks: I had to revise my thinking on this one (I'll explain why).

GUNSMOKE:
Matt Dillion: Brad Pitt
Kitty Russell: Julia Roberts
Doc Adams: Dennis Hopper (Few weeks ago I had George Carlin down)
Chester Goode: David Arquette (I had Sean Hayes of Will and Grace here )
Quinten Asper: Adam Beach
Festus Hagen: Larry the Cable Guy

Taking a cue from the Batman films, I think the plot should revolve around a gang of outlaws killing Festus' outlaw brothers and Quinten's parents (these were separate incidents on TV). Matt and Chester try to keep Quint and Festus from taking the law into their own hands.

Throw in cameos by the original Matt and Quint (James Arness and Burt Reynolds) you got a movie.

Ozzymandias has spoken!!!

 






 

[Saucerman]

5) as above, I'd do THE CRAWLING EYE as a Lovecraftian nightmare in atmospheric black and white.

4) THEM with hordes of ants moving quickly, as opposed to three barely mobile puppets. 

3) THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN'T DIE with updated visuals, maintaining the original sleaziness in the scientist's search for a new body for Jan, and with significant input by David Cronenberg -- I could see this being a film fitting with his style and emphasis on the horror existant in corruption of the human body. 

2) THIS ISLAND EARTH done as a period piece, set in the 1950s, instead of updating it to the present day. 

1) A hybridization of ROBOT MONSTER and ATTACK FROM MARS, under the title ROBOT MONSTER.  The film would be set in a movie theater, with the patrons watching a 1950s creature feature very similar to the original ROBOT MONSTER.  Meanwhile, Ro-Man, looking very much like the original though entirely metal, shows up and begins strangling people before falling in love with a female protagonist, and being killed by the hero, who douses it in artificial butter, interfering with its circuits.  Bruce Campbell, Jeffrey Combs, and Mamie van Doren would have cameos as people watching the movie. 

[The Unknown Murderer]

BATTLE QUEEN 2020 sounds AMA-ZAZING! I would pay in blood to watch that.

1.) This one was mentioned before, yes, but SLAVE GIRLS FROM BEYOND INFINITY would be fantastic. My actress picks would be Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba and Megan Fox.

Add George Clooney or Matthew McConaughey as the hunter along with some awesome practical effects for the lizard and robot henchmen, and it's a winner! Seriously though, this movie would make money. It could easily be the Man's Box Office Grosser like Titanic was for the Ladies.

2.) Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman - Paris Hilton in the lead as the spurned multi-millionaire with a cheating boyfriend. It could be misconstrued as a rip-off of Cloverfield, though, considering the crab creatures that keep falling from the sky! Just cast Lindsay Lohan as the cheating boyfriend's scheming girlfriend.

3.) The Killer Shrews - Those carpet wearing dogs were freaky enough...'real' killer shrews would be even better! Populate the island with a Survivor-type reality show and unsuspecting contestants. Could use the reality-show idea in Empire of the Ants or a Food of the Gods remake.

4.) Faster, p***ycat! Kill! Kill! -  Joanie "China" Laurer cast in Tura Zatana's part. She has the chest, but would be terribly freaky if she buffed up again and put those monster biceps to work in giving deserving men the smackdown. Could be hot depending on whether you like your women monstrous.

5.) Food Of The Gods - produced (or shat out, depending on your perception) by Michael Bay, written and directed by Alexandre Aja (to up the violence and gore quotient) with animal effects by WETA Workshop and blood n' guts provided by KNB.

[Kester Pelagius]

This month I'd like to humbly suggest the following properties for Hollywood to retread, er, remake, uhm bring to the big screen. . .


1. GERRY ANDERSON'S U.F.O. - How can you NOT make a movie of this series?  Hollywood has proven they can produce a decent 70s era movie with MOD fashion (The Spy Who Shagged Me) so the only question is who to cast as Stryker and what "green" material to use for the silver lame uniforms and purple wigs?

2. X-COM: UFO Defense - I mean, seriously, how did Hollywood NOT see the cinematic potential of this video game property?  This would be like a DOOM version of the above, only done well.   

3. INSEMINOID - Archaeologists on a distant planet encounter strange phenomenon and a female crew member gets abducted by an alien, whereupon she is stripped naked and placed on an examining table and impregnated with unholy alien progeny?  Duuuuude! 

Make it a D-list movie and cast Kathy Griffin as the woman who gets stripped naked and violated on-screen and I'm sure two thirds of the members of SAG would probably bankroll this feature just to see that in glorious color!

4. STAR WARS - With all the damage George has done with prequels and his lame attempt to re-imagine the original with unnecessary CGI additions and to make it so Han didn't shoot first why not just let George pop the blister on his anus and redo the first, er, I men "fourth" episode the way he "really" meant it to look?

5. THE WARS OF GODS AND MEN - Yeah, it's a Zecharia Sitchin book, so not really a remake AFAIK.  But I'd love to see how someone would adapt the theories in this one for the big screen.  Couldn't be any worse that what Hollywood has planned for the remake of Clash of the Titans.

[Kester Pelagius]

Too many sci-fi titles in that last list, eh?  Okay, fine, how about we dive into the deep end with some 'torture porn' re-imaginings.  That seems to be the trend.  So have at these to drive the proverbial nail in the coffin of this thread. .

5. HELLRAISER - I know there's been talk of a remake of this but my idea is to jump on the current Hollywood bandwagon of torture porn (as mentioned above) horror movies and just crank the gore and violence up to 11.  Make it so gratuitously visceral that the MPAA refuses it classification even with a NC-17 and has to come up with an entirely new classification to cover the gut wrenching revulsion on display.  Either Christina Ricci or Dakota Fanning will play the part of Kirsty.  Oh, yeah, and Keanu Reeves HAS to be Frank.  His character will get skinned alive and be abused worse than a three legged, one eyed, junkyard dog.  I'm not saying he'll get anally raped by cthulhoid horrors or anything crazy like that but it'll be a vomit inducing spectacle.

4. NATIONAL LAMPOON'S ANIMAL HOUSE (21ST Century) - The old AH is fine but it's a product of it's time.   This would be an updating of the tale to better reflect 'modern' college life in all it's gritty, grimy, gang-bang-sorority-orgies tarnished glory.  The  biggest problem would be who to cast as the frat boys.  I'd say stay way from SNL alum and maybe find some young punk comedians who don't have anything to loose by keeping it real.  Too, there should be so much naked flesh on display in this movie that the inevitable 'unrated' DVD release will at least an hour of added footage and dozens upon dozens of "oops" outtakes!

3.  THE TINGLER - Synopsis: When A scientist discovers and captures a creature that lives in every vertebrate and grows visible (in our dimension) when intense emotions "such as fear or sexual arousal" grips its host she discovers far more than she bargained for.  But that's only the beginning.

Like in the original it's a certain pitch of sound that makes the creature flee back to it's original "phased vibrational state" which allows it to coexist with us.  (Think of this as sort of a dark matter critter that’s a parasite on normal folk.)  Lots of room for interesting scenes here, depending on what direction you want to take this, not the least of which might be a fetishistic torture porn route ala Dee Snider's STRANGE LAND.

2. THE ADDAMS FAMILY - I want to see this as it should have been.  Dark.  Morbid.  The sort of movie that fills you with dread and bloodcurdling claustrophobia that makes the lobby seem like a happy day at the beach when you finally exit out the theatre door.  And, like the original strip, this should be an intellectual adult satire.  None of Hollywood's dumbed down PG BS.  This is a black comedy with gloomy characters who live in a weird creaky mansion that may, or may not, be haunted by ethereal spirits; but it most definitely has skeletons in it's closets.  And I don't mean that proverbially.  Oh, yeah, and Uncle Fester isn't the lovable bald fat man, he's going to be a sinister and frightening creep.  Morticia and Gomez will have a bedroom filled with all manner of bizarre medieval S&M torture devices hanging from the ceiling and littering the floor.  Wednesday, well, she's going to be a psychotic rage pixie not some gothic cutie pie.  And as for Pugsley, well, let's just say no neighborhood dog or cat will be safe.  (How DO you think he got that fat, eh?)  In short this movie is going to make TCM look like Fantasia!

1. BLIND BEAST - For a movie made in the late 60s this tale of a blind artist who kidnaps a model then engages in sadomasochistic perversions with her is, by modern torture porn standards, rather tame.  The remake would pull no punches and show every knife cut and every oozing cut and bruise in ghastly clinical detail.  The goal being to have everyone squirming in their seats while they watch this grotesquery of a story unfold.

[AndyC]

3.  THE TINGLER - Synopsis: When A scientist discovers and captures a creature that lives in every vertebrate and grows visible (in our dimension) when intense emotions "such as fear or sexual arousal" grips its host she discovers far more than she bargained for.  But that's only the beginning.

Like in the original it's a certain pitch of sound that makes the creature flee back to it's original "phased vibrational state" which allows it to coexist with us.  (Think of this as sort of a dark matter critter that’s a parasite on normal folk.)  Lots of room for interesting scenes here, depending on what direction you want to take this, not the least of which might be a fetishistic torture porn route ala Dee Snider's STRANGE LAND.

I can just imagine a freaky scene where somebody freaks out inside an MRI machine, and for just an instant something becomes visible along the spine. Dramatic music, shocked expressions, etc.

[WingedSerpent]

Kronus:  replace the moving tickertoy with some awsome alien-looking machine.  Have it control more than one person so whole cities fall under it's control. 

Village of the Giants-I am kind off surprised this wasn't remade when the teen/sex comedies where big (ha!) a couple years ago.  That's what I thought of it when I first saw it.  This was there version of say Road Trip  Keep in mind when it came out-the mind set of America was very different than what it was today.

Skydivers.  Although I'm a huge fan of the MST3K version of this movie.  This would be an extreme spot movie. 

Prince of Space-get the Warshosh....Wershashki....the Matrix guys to handle this one.

My last movie isn't a remake, but I think they could make a cool movie based of the PS2 game War of the Monsters

[Terf]

I wish I had looked at this before making the "Remakes?" thread. Oh well...

Maximum Overdrive - I feel like the "machines/vehicles taking over the world" is a very underused horror idea, basically because I guess it requires a big budget to make it "interesting". I mentioned earlier that I haven't seen the original in entirety, but I do recall the plot from on this site.

In my version, the whole movie wouldn't be focused in just one place; it would be focused in various environments around the US of A, to keep things interesting - A big city (I'm thinking somewhere in CA), desert, middle-of-nowhere West Virginia or Minnesota, Rocky Mountains etc. I'm also thinking it would have to only have vehicles come alive - ALL electrical equipment would be too monumental.

There would be almost NO explanation for why the vehicles form minds of their own and start attacking people; I feel that's the best way to keep people constantly guessing. (I just realized this might make it like a zombie film, only replacing the zombies with cars and trucks and such.) Originally, I had thought a country-wide, very popular wi-fi Onstar-like device would malfunction in one vehicle, and the "virus" would spread, but now I think that would give the film too much of a plot. What do you guys think?

ANYWAYS, the vehicles go crazy, and the movie cuts from one scene to another as the people try to survive in obvious and also interesting ways. (I want this one 18 wheeler to develop a grudge against this one couple and drive like hell through buildings just to try to kill them.) Lots of explosions, too. I don't know if the original one was open-ended or not, but I'd prefer this one not to be.

Probably some details I missed, but whateva. I'll come back later and edit.

Tremors - Instead of in a desert, this one would take place in a mountainous and very snowy, small town region. The main focus would be on a college.

Note: I'm thinking about this in my head as I'm writing, so it might not fit well.
An avalanche uncovers some big ol' worms ?"hibernating"? inside an ancient mountain. The worms, super-p**sed off at being woken up, feast upon people inside a ski lodge (while smashing up the place; the sheriff and deputies come but find no evidence), then head off into the snowy forest to find some warmth. (They end up chilaxing in the college's sewer system; the renovations to it make it quite habitable for the creatures.)

[To be finished later]

I do know that, even though this is focused around a college, I really don't want it to focus too much on the "kids", because they rarely have anything interesting to say and act like jackasses (IMO). 

[ToyMan]

deep red (aka: the hatchet murders)
-
although, f**king with argento's work might be a bad idea. please keep nicholas cage away from this.

halloween III: season of the witch
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except we just call it "season of the witch", so people won't expect the shape to make an appearance. oh, and tom atkins gets to play the conal cochran part this time around.

basket case
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can you imagine how good this movie would be with today's special effects and a decent crew behind it?

riki-oh: the story of ricky
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starring tony jaa, of ong bak and the protector, except we cut out all of the sweet, goofy flashbacks, and improve on all of the poor special effects. ichi the killer fans would eat this up.

-

...and i could only think of four. sorry.

[bladerunnerblues]

I am in charge of Hollywood??Okay...
I would  punch the  persons responsible for the remakes of Assault on Precinct 13,The Hitcher,The Fog,Prom Night
in the mouth.
I would have Rob Zombies hair cut,his beard shaved off,his balls removed and his eyes poked out.
I am not a fan of remakes