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Author Topic: INDIANA SMITH'S RANDOM QUOTES OF THE DAY  (Read 4063 times)
indianasmith
Archeologist, Theologian, Elder Scrolls Addict, and a
B-Movie Kraken
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Posts: 15182


A good bad movie is like popcorn for the soul!


« on: May 23, 2008, 05:54:15 PM »

Every morning I put a "Quote of the Day" on my whiteboard for my students.  Today was the last school day of the year, and I looked over my list.  There are 175 quotes.  Some of them are goofy, some are kind of inside jokey, some serious, most humorous.  I have tried to attribute them when I know the author, and some of them are original to me.  Hope you enjoy!


1.  "Any doctrine that will not bear investigation is an unworthy tenant in the mind of an honest man.” - Thomas Huxley
2.  “One man with courage makes a majority.” - Andrew Jackson
3.  “If, at the end of your life's journey, you realize you have made some enemies – Congratulations! That means you took a stand for something.” - Winston Churchill
4.  “Remember, if it weren't for nostrils, your nose would just be a bump on your face!”
5.  “I put spot remover on my dog the other day. He disappeared.” - Stephen Wright
6.  “How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? What about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, but without that dangerous beak!” - Jack Handy
7.  “The only thing between me and total, complete happiness is . . . reality!” Patrick Hill
8.  “Meetings . . . . because none of us is as dumb as all of us!” - Despair.com
9.  “I'm not closed-minded – you're just WRONG!!” -Bucky Katt
10.  “Admiral . . . there be whales here!!” - Scotty, Star Trek IV.
11. “There are stray dogs in the world. There are starving people in the world. Isn't the solution obvious?” - Josiah Hayre
12. “If you're ever showing your house and a big rat comes out from behind the couch, dragging the trap because it didn't quite kill him, try to convince the buyers he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.” - Jack Handy
13. “We used to go visit my Uncle Dave every summer. He lived in a cave in the woods and growled a lot . . . every now and then he would eat one of us. I was in high school when I realized – hey, Uncle Dave is a bear!!” - Jack Handy
14. There are two kinds of people in the world – those who believe the world is divided into two kinds of people, and those who don't.
15. “If a frog had wings, his tail wouldn't bump the ground. Too hypothetical.” Pres. Bush (41)
16. “Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.” - Dan Quayle
17.  “If you are ever choking to death on an ice cube, simply pour boiling water down your throat. The blockage will remove itself instantly.” - Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
18. “If you have problems hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep every morning, simply place a mouse trap on top of your alarm clock. Problem solved!” - Amazingly Simply Home Remedies.
19.   “If you have a bad cough, just chug a bottle of laxative – then you'll be too afraid to cough.”
-Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
20. “Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by having someone else hold while you chop.” - Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
21. “The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.” - Anonymous
22. “What if the hokey pokey really IS what it's all about?”
23. “I cried because I had no shoes – till I met a man who had no feet. Then I just took his shoes –
it wasn't like he was gonna be needing them.”
24. “The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life – unless you croak between now and then.”
25. Hey – where is everybody????
26. “First I'll pray – THEN I'll tell you what to do.” - Shawna Livengood, BMW Day 2007
27. “I try to live each day as if it were my last. That's why I never have any clean clothes – I
mean, who wants to spend his last day on earth doing laundry?” - Jack Handy
28. “If trees could scream, would we be so casual about cutting them down? Maybe, if they
screamed all the time for no good reason.” - Jack Handy
29. “Forgiveness is the scent of the rose clinging to the heel of the boot that just crushed it.”
30. “Gaaah! I can feel the stupidity leaping off the page and burrowing into my skull.”
31. “Never set fire to midgets. God frowns on that sort of thing.”
32. “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. And suffering leads to the Star Wars Holiday Special.”
33. “We like to praise the birds for flying. But how much of it is REALLY flying and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap?” - Jack Handy
34. How is it that those who have the least to say take the most time to say it?
35. “Another day, another dollar, another irreplaceable chunk out of a finite and rapidly passing lifetime.” - Calvin's Dad
36. “Would you rather win a million dollars, or be slapped in the face with a dead mole while you sleep? Too bad, you didn't win a million dollars.” - Dogbert
37. “To understand mankind, you have to consider the word itself. It is made up of two words - “mank” and “ind”. What do they mean? It's a mystery, and so is mankind.” Jack Handy
38. “Isn't it weird that the mighty army of the children of God – shod with faith, shielded by righteousness, and armed with the Word of God – spends the vast majority of its time either polishing its armor or fighting with one another?” - Mike Warnke
39. “Never pet a burning dog.” - Warcraft II Tips Page
40. “It's very nice to meet me. I hope you never find a live turtle in your soup.” - Dilbert
41. “You are so wrong, philosophers weep at the sound of your voice.” - Bucky Katt
42. “You Rock!?! HA!!! I rock like a retired LA-Z-Boy employee!” - Rob Wilco
43. “If you ever drop your car keys into a river of molten lava, forget them, because they are like,
totally gone!” - Jack Handy
44. “It is not enough to do things well – a man must also strive to do things gracefully.”
- 17th Century Book of Etiquette
45. “Reality is for people who cannot handle Middle Earth.” - Mr. Smith
46. “I feel like I'm a better person now because I have more money.” - Tony Romo, after signing a $67 million dollar contract
47. “Inralp Reezelminorp! Magorzip!! Magorzip!!”
48. “Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.”
49. “In peace, sons bury their fathers. In wartime, fathers bury their sons.” - Thucydides
50. “A Wednesday without a faculty meeting is like popcorn for the soul!” - Mr. Smith
51. “I don't have any dignity left, but I have a lot of great memories.” -Terri Irwin
52. “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but Chuck Norris' glare will liquefy your kidneys.”
53. “Rome did not build a mighty Empire by holding staff meetings. They did it by ruthlessly
crushing all who opposed them.”
54. “When in Rome, the guilty dog gathers no moss.”
55. “Revenge is a dish best served cold – with whipped cream and those little chocolate
sprinkles.”
56. “You cannot burp the Chinese alphabet. Do not attempt it.” - Bucky Katt
57. “Human laughter is the world's best medicine. Zombie laughter is the world's worst
medicine.” -Jack Handy
58. “If you could sum up in one word, and one word only, why mankind never has and never will live up to his full potential on this earth, that word would be “meetings”!
59. This quote intentionally left blank.
60. “If I couldn't eat food, I would just die!” - Garfield
61. “There's more to life than just work. There's complaining about work, avoiding work,
those nightly periods of unconsciousness, and sweet, sweet death.” - Dogbert
62. “Chuck Norris has no chin. There's just another fist hiding behind his beard.” - Mike
Huckabee.
63. “I'm a compulsive liar. Wait – no, I'm not. I lied.” - Valerie Drake
64. “C'mon, guys, this isn't brain science!” - Will Traverse
65. “You can wordify anything if you just verb it!” - Bucky Katt
66. “It's not the size of the cat in the tree, it's the size of the limb he drops on the dog.”
67. “Good men sleep in peace at night because rough men stand ready to do violence to
those who would harm them.”
68. “Nothing I never said ever hurt me.: - Calvin Coolidge
69. “Whatever you do, do it like you meant to.” - Josiah Hayre
70. “Let all that you do be done in love.” - I Cor. 16:14
71. “Oddly enough, nearly all the reminiscing I do is about the past.” - Rob Reiner
72. “The car hit a bump, and Ruth hit a tree, but John drove on, ruthlessly.”
73. “You can't just let nature run wild.” - Walter Hickel (Gov. of Alaska)
74. “Some mornings I wake up Grumpy – other mornings I let her sleep.”
75. “I can only please one person a day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking so
good for you either.”
76. “If this is about that conference room full of mail, I don't know how it got there.”
-Willy the Mail Boy, from Dilbert
77. “Don't tase me, bro!!!” - AP's Quote of the Year, 2007 (from that idiot who heckled
John Kerry in Florida)
78. “In the great game between the genders, women will always emerge victorious, since
they have the dual advantage of being the opponent – and the goal.” Lewis Smith
79. “Forget about world peace – visualize using your turn signal!” - Bumper Sticker
80. “You may find that wanting and having are two different things. It is illogical, but it
is often so.” - Spock, Amok Time
81. “So long, and thanks for all the fish!” - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
82. “It is better to live your life in a single crowded hour than in an age without a name.”
83. “Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.” - The BORG
84. “I just need to find myself. Have you seen me anywhere?”
85. “The Road goes ever on and on, down from the door where it began . . .” - Tolkien
86. THE INTERNATIONAL SARCASM SOCIETY – Yeah, like we'd take you for a
member.”
87. “The cautious seldom err.” - Confucius
88. “There are no Thomas Jeffersons in Iraq. Saddam Hussein killed them all.” - John
McCain
89.. “Do you know the Muffin Man? I mean, REALLY know him? Cause he's a very
scary man.” - Lewis Smith
90. “It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.”
91. “A fool and his money . . . can sure throw a great party.”
92. “Red meat is not bad for you . . . fuzzy, green meat is bad for you.”
93. “Money cannot buy happiness – but it can purchase a more exquisite form of misery.”
94. “Money cannot buy happiness – but it can buy lots of expensive stuff that makes
everybody jealous, and that's almost as good.”
95. “Are you gaining weight, or is the room shrinking?”
96. “We have nothing to fear but Chuck himself.”
97. “99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.”
98. “With confidence in freedom's power, and trust in the people, let us set forth to do
their business.” - George W. Bush (last State of the Union Address)
99. “This is still the greatest country in the world, if we just steel our wills and lose our
minds.” - Pres. Bill Clinton
100. “I've had a perfectly lovely evening, but this wasn't it.” - Groucho Marx
101. “To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girlfriends.” - Ben Franklin
102. “Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.”
103. “Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter.” - Master Yoda
104. “Elections belong to the people. It is their decision. If they decide to turn their back to
the fire and burn their behinds, they must sit on the blisters.” - Abraham Lincoln
105. “Every night, before he goes to sleep, the boogeyman checks under his bed to see if
Chuck Norris is there.”
106. “The Declaration of Independence only guarantees the American people the right to
pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.” - Ben Franklin
107. “My plan to secure the border? Simply two words – Chuck Norris!” - Mike Huckabee
108. “Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!!!” - the French Knights
109. “Then lobbest thou the the Holy Hand Grenade at thine enemy; who, having been found
naughty in My sight, shall snuff it!” - I Armaments 6: 18 - 19
110. “So if she weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood, and therefore . . . a WITCH!”
111. “When I was just a young boy, my momma told me: “Son -
Always be a good boy, don't never play with guns!” - Johnny Cash
112. “Your resume is very impressive – but there is no such college as 'the Einstein one,'
and you can't really major in 'smartology'!”
113. “I will not tolerate intolerance!” - Pat Buchanan
114. “Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all of its students.”
115. “Pain is temporary, all wounds heal, and chicks dig scars.” - Josiah Hayre
116. “Vegetarian is an Indian word for lousy hunter!” - Matt Walker
117. “All right – you, you, and you panic! The rest, come with me!!” - U.S. Marine Sergeant
118. When you consider the entire population of the planet, there are literally DOZENS of people less attractive than you!” - Dogbert
119. “Remember what you have learned! Save you it can!!” - Master Yoda
120. “I ran out of sick days, so I called in dead.”
121. “I will not insult your intelligence by presuming to think you actually believe what you
just said.” - William F. Buckley
122. “Chuck Norris does not go hunting, because 'to hunt' implies the possibility of failure.
Chuck Norris goes killing.”
123. “Be careful what you wish for, Rush!” - Hilary Clinton
124. “The spoken word, so soon forgot, By thee, but it has perished not -
in other's hearts 'tis living still, and doing work for good or ill.”
125. “Getting an inch of snow is like winning one dollar in the lottery.” - Calvin
126. “I reject your reality and substitute my own.”
127. “I was sacking my own groceries the other day because they were busy, and this little old lady came up to me and said 'I think it's wonderful that they hire people like you!' ”
128. “Please control your children or we will give them a cappuccino and a puppy!”
129. “Genetic engineering lets us crossbreed otherwise incompatible species. Say, have you
seen my skunkopotamus anywhere?”
130. “The biggest single oxymoron in the English language is Microsoft Works.”
131. “Randomnymity is more than just pretty eggshells floating on the motor oil. It's also –
hey, look – Martin van Buren!”
132. “First star to the right, and straight on till morning!” - Peter Pan
133. “Don't let your yearnings exceed your earnings.” - Paul Matthews
134. “I like you, human. When we conquer your world, I shall make sure your demise is swift
and painless.”
135. “Save for a rainy day, but don't spend it all the first time it rains.” - Paul Mathews
136. “Study to learn, because knowledge is power. But power corrupts, and corruption is a
crime! Keep studying, and you'll go to jail!” - Dogbert
137. “Sir Winston, if I were your wife, I would put poison in your tea!” - Lady Nancy Astor
“Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!” - Sir Winston Churchill
138. “I'm totally fictitious, but that's not the point!” - April Paul
139. “Why bother learning when ignorance is instantaneous?” - Hobbes the Tiger
140. “A zebra cannot change its spots.” - Al Gore, VP of the U.S.
141. “Abraham Lincoln once said if you are a racist I will attack you with the North. And these are the principles I carry with me into the workplace.” - Michael from “The Office”
142. “Sweet potatoes coincidentally look like earwax.”
143. “Inside every older person is a younger person looking in the mirror and saying 'What happened?' ”
144. “The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse to the trap gets the cheese.”
145. “All things are ready if our minds be so!” - Shakespeare, Henry V
146. “A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.” - Larry the Cable Guy
147. “On the other hand, you have different fingers.” LtCG
148. “Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.”
149. “Soon there are fisticuffs, corrective lenses go flying, children cry. My point is I don't get invited to parties and I don't know why.” - Scott Adams
150. “Suppose I were an idiot. Or suppose I were a member of Congress. But I repear myself.” - Mark Twain
151. “Be kind to your no-legged friends, 'cause a snake could be somebody's mother!”
152. “When everything is coming your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
153. “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student – at least they can find Afghanistan!”
154. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
155. “Hey Rangers!!! When you get beat by two touchdowns, maybe it's time to give up baseball!!” - Harry Carey
156. “If what a player does off the field doesn't matter, maybe Jerry Jones should hire Osama bin Laden to play wide receiver. He's 6'4”, and we know nobody can catch him!” - Dale Hansen
157. “Let them hate us, so long as they fear us.” - Luccius Accius
158. “Aw fer cryin' out loud – he's not dead again, is he?” - Milo Bloom
“No, no – let me get the Bactine!” - Opus
159. “Never interrupt your enemy when he is in the process of destroying himself.” - Napoleon
160. “To be is to do.” - Socrates
“To do is to be.” - Sartre
“Do be do be do.” - Frank Sinatra
161. “Freedom has a constant companion – challenge. So I challenge you to make the most of our changing world. Whatever you do, live a life of adventure and meaning so brilliant that, like a Roman candle, it lights up the world. Dazzle us. Astonish us. Be extraordinary!!!” George H.W. Bush, 41st President
162. “Chickens are the only animals we eat before they were born and after they are dead.”
163. “I'm always up for a bit of anarchy, as long as it's well-organized and properly governed.”
164. “When you can fit an entire double cheeseburger under your chin, you have eaten too many!” - Paisley Zimmermann
165. “Have you ever noticed that everything you sit on feels like underwear?”
166. “It's a long, long road to the end of the circle.”
167. “Opinions are like nostrils . . . everybody has a couple and they all smell.”
168. “Beyond the realm of things we know lies the realm of things we don't know.”
169. “The man who fears no truths has nothing to fear from lies.”
170. “Vlaysa vleshtar numa numa yey, numa numa yay, numa numa numa yay!!”
171. “Listen my child”, you say to me, “I am the voice of your history.
Be not afraid, come follow me. Answer my call and I'll set you free.” - Celtic Women
172. “Now I lay me down to rest, a stack of books atop my chest.
If I should die before I wake, that's one less test I'll have to take!”
173. “The Founding Fathers invented a glorious game.”
174. “Not justice, Lord, but mercy.” - The Student's Prayer
175. “Let's hunt some orcs!!” - Aragorn, The Fellowship of the Ring

Logged

"I shall smite you in the nostrils with a rod of iron, and wax your spleen with Efferdent!!"
badmovielovers
Dedicated Viewer
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Karma: 8
Posts: 65



« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2008, 06:50:26 PM »

# 3 is pretty much my life!!!! #32 is just the truth, no one wants to watch that special!
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IT'S A TRAP!!!!!
Patient7
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 167
Posts: 1618


Mwa Ha Ha Ha Ha


« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2008, 05:02:33 PM »

Here's one for you:

"There once was a man from Nantuckette, he went through life as a meaningless piece of dirt that nobody important really knew or cared about.  I said this to him and got my ass handed to me."  Patient7
Logged

Barbeque sauce tastes good on EVERYTHING, even salad.

Yes, salad.
indianasmith
Archeologist, Theologian, Elder Scrolls Addict, and a
B-Movie Kraken
*****

Karma: 2591
Posts: 15182


A good bad movie is like popcorn for the soul!


« Reply #3 on: May 24, 2008, 07:49:15 PM »

That's funny!
Logged

"I shall smite you in the nostrils with a rod of iron, and wax your spleen with Efferdent!!"
Patient7
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 167
Posts: 1618


Mwa Ha Ha Ha Ha


« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2008, 10:51:06 AM »

That's funny!

Karma, I love compliments.
Logged

Barbeque sauce tastes good on EVERYTHING, even salad.

Yes, salad.
Dennis
Yes, it's true, absolutely true. I am a
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 239
Posts: 2282


I'm sorry, did I break your concentration?


« Reply #5 on: May 25, 2008, 11:11:12 AM »

"I find it both amusing and ridiculous that the term describing people who use hyperpolysyllabic words in every day conversation is sesquipedalinism." -  Captain Patrick Holigan USMC.
Logged


Reach for the heavens in hope for the future for all that we can be, not what we are. Henry John Deutschendorf Jr.
Killer Bees
Newly Appointed Government Employee and
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 177
Posts: 1287


Never give up on love


« Reply #6 on: May 25, 2008, 07:11:25 PM »

My desk calendar for today says:

"Do not be in a hurry to tie what you cannot untie" - English Proverb

So does that mean it's okay to go out in public with your shoelaces untied?  Question  TeddyR
Logged

Flower, gleam and glow
Let your power shine
Make the clock reverse
Bring back what once was mine
Heal what has been hurt
Change the fates' design
Save what has been lost
Bring back what once was mine
What once was mine.......
Jack
B-Movie Kraken
*****

Karma: 1141
Posts: 10327



« Reply #7 on: May 26, 2008, 08:12:15 AM »

Quote
34. How is it that those who have the least to say take the most time to say it?

Ahh, so true.  So incredibly true.
Logged

The world is changed by your example, not by your opinion.

- Paulo Coelho
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