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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Information Exchange  |  Movie Reviews  |  Submitted Reader Reviews  |  The Cold (1984) aka The Game « previous next »
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Author Topic: The Cold (1984) aka The Game  (Read 7413 times)
JavaBlack
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« on: May 22, 2008, 09:24:31 AM »

The Cold
Rated: NR
1 skull
Copyright Company and Date: 1984 Silver Street Pictures
Submitted by Java Black



THE CHARACTERS
I was in too lethargic a state to get the names down.  So I'll give them fitting titles.

Horny Thug- This is the "bad boy" of the movie and he might be the hero.  He did time in prison and fought in 'Nam... and yet somehow he still seems like a wuss.

Mysterious Gentleman- This is the guy everyone thinks is in on the game... and he might be, but it seemed unclear at the end.  He could also be the hero.

Feminist Lawyer- This is about as deep as her character gets.  If she says a line, it's either about being female or being a lawyer.  Allegedly brilliant.  Her purpose seems to be giving the tough gentleman someone to talk to (not that these talks have any purpose).

Prude Horny Girl- She is the movies sex object.  She's prude but easy and has an ANNOYING fake southern accent.  Her face should not be seen in close ups.  Might be dead from bullet wound, but I don't know and I don't care.

No-fun Party Girl- The acquaintance to the prude horny girl comes off as a girl looking for a good time, but mostly seems to be attempting to avoid one.  Disappears.

The Band- The remaining 4 characters are in a band.  There's a husband and wife down on their luck, then two guys who are working together- but not really.  Doesn't matter.  Their personalities play no role in the film other than pad and they all disappear.  I can't even tell the three guys apart.

The Three Old Rich People- These are the hosts of The Game.  They are responsible for the guests being here and for us having to sit through it.  They fake death of freezing... for no apparent reason.  I'll explain later.

The Hunchback- A famous actor is hired by the three rich old people to play a hunchback to scare the guests.  He'd probably be scarier if they ever saw him.  Usually he's just sneaking around for the audience's benefit (if you can call it that).

The White Ghost- I have no idea.  A white ghost.  His/her purpose and identity unknown... much like the movie itself.

LESSONS LEARNED
Women are okay with unprotected public sex with strangers as long as the stranger had a vasectomy.
Women will lie sprawled out and naked in front of an unlocked glass door, then suddenly become modest when someone sees.
The fog from dry ice makes a room unbearably cold.
Sometimes a bad seventies cop movie style chase is the best thing about a movie.
The '80s were not much better than the '70s dancing-wise.

NOTABLE QUOTES

One of the Three Old Rich People: "Good night and... pleasant screams!"
Followed by Scooby Doo style evil laughter.

That should get you a feel for the movie.


THE PLOT

This movie, to it's credit, gives you several warnings to turn away.  It opens with cheap, cheap, CHEAP credits: little black pieces of cardboard propped on boardgames.  Ice cream truck music plays in the background.
Then we see a car... and something truly evil happens.  A voice of an annoying narrator comes on.  Not only does he use the cheesiest "spooky" voice, but he is RHYMING at times.

But like the idiot in a horror movie... I kept going.

The Three Old Rich People have invited nine stupid people to their island for The Game.  Like a bad reality show, The Game involves giving a million bucks to whichever person can stay on the island longest while they try to scare them off.
They explain this after a painful view of '80s dancing.  The cameramen try to make it interesting with cleavage close ups... but the bad dancing distracted me.
The guests are scared at dinner with tarantulas.

Well the people are told that The Game will begin the next day.  This gives time for what passes for character development and for the No-fun Party Girl to be seen changing into her bikini for a swim.  Oh!  In the pool is a SHARK FIN!  She screams, everyone comes running.  A voice comes over the loudspeaker saying it was just a joke (as if the floating shark fin emerging from nowhere wasn't evidence enough).

The next day the guests are alerted that The Game has begun.  By this point we know that the Mysterious Gentleman is suspected of having some inside knowledge and that there is a "scary" hunchback prowling around.

One member of the Band is grabbed with a pillowcase and disappears.  Everyone looks for him.  Eventually one of the girls sees on her TV that he's been hung... but it's probably just a special effect.  Despite their ease at blowing this off, a couple characters are terrified by a rubber severed head!
The remaining members of The Band all go into a "scary" house and end up disappearing.  One falls into a cage of rats that cuddle with him as he screams.  The other two are attacked by mist.

Somewhere along the line Horny Thug stumbles upon Horny Prude Girl sleeping naked in a sauna.  He disturbs her and she suddenly gets prudish.  She doesn't want to be seen naked in the sauna with him (can't say I blame her)... but it's okay because he had a vasectomy.  Because they had sex, we have to assume as the movie does, that they are in love.  Remember that.  Because even as he later tries to score with No-Fun Party Girl, he seems to harbor strong feelings for his successful catch.

At some point after that No-Fun Party Girl has her room attacked by a tarantula and a mechanical monster that looks way to much like the penis monster from Tromeo and Juliet.  She is never seen again.

Now the Three Old Rich People don rubber masks and assault Horny Prude Girl.  They strip her down to lingerie and tie her to a chair.  Then they put one bullet in a gun's chamber and  inform her that they will shoot her five times.  They torment her and we get a view of how ugly she is close up and stage-crying with too much makeup.  Of course no shot goes off and they leave her tied up sn****ring.

And now we see something that I think was supposed to be plot twist.  The Old Rich People hear another shot and it was not planned.  Viewing via hidden camera, they notice Horny Prude Girl looks... dead.  Of course they don't act scared... but since there is no guest around to watch them, you would expect that they are truly confused about the shooting.
Horny Thug finds the body, but then the body disappears.

So the three remaining guests get together.  Horny Thug decides he wants revenge.  This is where we learn that he cares about his one-night stands a lot.  Mysterious Gentleman wants to take a more calm approach.  They fight.  Horny Thug wins and runs off.  The Feminist Lawyer and Mysterious Gentleman follow.

Horny Thug breaks into the tech room and demands answers of the Three Old Rich People.  When one stands up, he shoots him.  Then Mysterious Gentleman attacks him and winds up chasing him after grabbing a randomly placed shotgun.

Now for the seventies cop flick chase scene complete with bad music!  The fighting is even worse.  Apparently the budget only allowed for one window to be destroyed because Mysterious Gentleman can only shoot one area regardless of where his chase goes.
The chase leads to Horny Thug climbing up on the roof and jumping down on Mysterious Gentleman.  But then the Hunchback comes from behind and reveals himself to be a famous British actor.  Somehow his ends all hostilities.  We need to get this Hunchback guy to the Middle East!

Then we get a cheese ending where we learn all the other guests left, no one was killed, and everyone is getting a million bucks.  Never mind that the Old Rich People seemed to actually be confused about the gunshot earlier.  Bad ending, but an ending nonetheless...  No, sorry, friends.  It's not.
The three survivors are taken off the island by Hunchback but the others are not to be seen.
Now we see that the fake cold fog is released (I forgot to mention it before but this is one of their favorite devices throughout the movie) and we hear a "Who's game is this?"  The three geezers are chased by the fog and we see some White Ghost.
Soon after we see the Three Old Rich People frozen to death in the sauna.
Then... NOOOOOO!!! The narrator is back with another rhyme.
At the end of it, we see that the Three Old Rich People are alive and were faking the death scene.
Faking it for who?  Hell if I know. 

So are the missing people dead or not?  Was the whole thing planned?  Why do these old people feel the need to act like they are victims of someone else's Game... only when no one is there to see the act?  Who is the White Ghost?  Why pay a Hunchback to wander around a scary island when no guest ever sees him? 
I just don't care.  I can't waste another second thinking about this movie.

But I will take time to warn you, my friends.  Pay heed to the warnings of the cheap opening credits and the stupid narrator!  This is not the movie you want!
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Trevor
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« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2008, 04:14:45 AM »

But like the idiot in a horror movie... I kept going.

 BounceGiggle TeddyR Karma!
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