GI Joe has long been an epic battle between an elite American military outfit vs. Cobra, a flamboyant, ruthless, militaristic terrorist organization “determined to rule the world.” In this story, we scratch all that history built up over the years to discover it’s really GI Joe vs. a snake/plant/animal race of ancient beings who use biological warfare on a quest to turn the world into mutant zombie animal thingies.
GI Joe the Movie was probably the height of GI Joe popularity along with another popular Marvel-based cartoon, The Transformers, which had a movie just the year before. It was after this point in the series that GI Joe was acquired by DIC and the story line radically changed and the animation become much more half-assed. Due to Transformers’ weak box office, this was aired on TV. There are many similarities between the two films such as one of the main heroes getting put down, but after the poor response to Optimus Prime’s death, they decided they’d just put this movie’s hero, Duke in a Coma instead. Honestly, I don’t understand why anyone would have cared about the absence of Duke over Prime but that’s just me.A Sample of the Usual JoesBackground
GI Joe the action figure has been around for decades, but most of us were introduced to Joe vs Cobra elements from the 1980s cartoon series. The season usually started with a 5-part story introducing the latest toys…I mean characters, followed by a season of episodes where Cobra tries some hair-brain schemes from very noticeable not-so-hidden bases only to be foiled by GI Joe. Usually the plots centered around a plot device of the week.
For several seasons, Cobra, the enemy -a ruthless terrorist organization was lead by a chrome-domed masked man called Cobra Commander who often rivaled Destro the arms dealer for control of the organization. Usually the show dealt with some crazy powerful invention for each 5-part season headliner, while ushering in new characters while older less popular ones seemed to vanish.
The first five-parter I remember centered on a teleportation device that used up rare minerals. Sure, some characters have been around from the get-go such as Duke, Scarlet, and Snake Eyes, but some went by the wayside. Back then, the mainstay characters were the likes of Rock’n’Roll, Stalker, Zap, Flash, and other non-memorable folks. Cobra pretty much had Destro, Baroness, Major Bludd, and Cobra Officers.
The next seasons, we’re introduced to the Weather Dominator and the Pyramid of Darkness. We’re also introduced to a new stock of characters such as the always-popular Shipwreck, Roadblock, Gung-ho, Flint, and Lady Jay, followed by even more such as BBQ, Blowtorch, Footloose, Dusty, Recondo, Alpine, Bazooka, Quick Kick, Lifeline, and Spirit, just to name a few. Cobra enlisted more personalities too such as Storm Shadow, Firefly, Zartan, the Dreadnoughts, Tomax, Xamot, and the Crimson Guard red uniformed soldiers, just to name a few.
Usually the plots of these in-between episodes were asinine. Once, Cobra Commander’s great scheme was to carve his face into the moon, a trick attempted again years later by Chairface before he was thwarted by The Tick (although to be fair, Chairface settled with engraving his name instead). Another time, Cobra inadvertently created an unstoppable blob that the Joes defeated with apples!
Cobra was very fond of creating clones and brainwashing. One time, they even brainwashed some of the Joe’s family members and made them attack. One of my favorite episodes was when Cobra started going broke so they made Zartan and his biker friends start a band called Cold Slither, which used that dreadful rock’n’roll music to brainwash kids (and some of the Joes) to do their bidding.
Since all of these goofy plans always seemed to fail, Cobra higher-ups decided they needed to do something about their leadership. Introducing new Cobra elite such as Dr. Mindbender and his plans for a new Cobra Emperor and a guy named Scrap Iron who created android soldiers so GI Joe could actually shoot something for a change. New Recruits: Rawhides and Roughnecks Arise Serpentor Arise
Dr. Mindbender has a new plan –steal the DNA from histories greatest leaders (which for some reason includes a wrestler) and combine it into a new leader for Cobra, much to Cobra Commander’s dismay. This Cobra Emperor would then defeat GI Joe using his mastery of Napoleonic battle tactics while riding his lame ass chariot, smug in his even lamer snake-like outfit.
They steal DNA from everywhere and also recruit more members for Cobra such as Monkeywrench, Thrasher, and a few others. GI Joe picked up a few more such as Beachhead and General Hawk, new upper brass Joes we’ve never seen before. Also we get some forgettable members such as Sci-Fi. Most memorable was the new Joe recruit named Sgt Slaughter, who was inaccurately drawn with a ton of muscles and an ass-beating persona. He rages in, destroying the Cobra BATS (androids) left and right! Eventually he leads the charge against the new Cobra leader.
This season rolls on by with more forgettable plots before we get to this movie where we’re introduced to yet again another “real” cobra leader whom we’ve never met before – Cobra La. Cobra La is a plant-snake-like race of beings hiding out in the Himalayas (why would lizards live where it’s so cold?). They’ve lived for eons and are the ones truly responsible for the rise of Cobra, handpicking Cobra Commander and later implanting the plan for a new Emperor in Dr. Mindbender’s brain. Their plan is to turn all of humanity into mutant zombies, and for some reason they think would be a great thing to rule. And of course, they plan to do this with yet another crazy invention, the BET, the Black Entertainment Channel! Just kidding – it stands for the Broadcast Energy Transmitter. Cobra LaOpening: Infiltrating the Terrordrome
After a new and extended introduction showcasing a Cobra attack on the Statue of Liberty, we open at Cobra’s Terradrome somewhere in the deep swamp, likely not far from the Legion of Doom’s Darth Vader helmet. Cobra troops are scouting the area, wasting gas, and finding nothing. We see an organic periscope poke its head out of the water. Something’s up.
Flash to inside the terradrome to Cobra’s trademark sound with Serpentor, last season’s new Emperor berating his troops for blundering, failing, and all that jazz for the last 4-5 seasons. Who gets the blame? Well it’s Cobra Commander of course. Everyone in Cobra’s upper echelon takes turns ripping into him as they forget `he’s the one who created and initiated Cobra in the first place. Although to be fair, the cartoon wuss version does act cowardly and rather inept, but that doesn’t excuse the rest of them.
The organic “thing” emerges from the water out of some plant/animal hybrid thing revealing a slimy hooded plant thingy. Now we’re definitely in B-movie territory. It quickly breaks through the outer electrical fence with organic warfare in the form of an electric eel. Whatever it is, it comes tearing through the Cobra troops, blasting them with organic pod biological weapons; it continues ripping its way inside the Terradrome as the alarm sounds.
The upper brass of Cobra realize the intrusion and ironically, Cobra Commander volunteers to lead the rest to intercept the intruder, fully realizing it would be just terrible if something were to happen to Serpentor. He actually notices the hooded figure and conveniently directs the rest of the Cobra elite the opposite way!
It approaches Serpentor’s War Room™ and Serpentor, sitting high and mighty on his golden throne, insists there’s no fighting in the War Room ™ and activates the fang decorations above. These fangs shoot poison darts that the intruder easily dodges. Cobra likes having snake decorations everywhere. You’d think they’d spend that money in more practical ways. Serpentor hits another button that lowers his throne in an attempt to escape but the intruder jumps down with him. He’s ready to lay the smack down but it would rather talk. Dropping the hood we see that it is indeed a “she” and she just wants to talk. Serpentor recognizes her from a dream and she states she was etched into his mind when he was created. She opens up a clam to display a hologram of the BET, another crazy plot device invention.Fun in the Mountains
Next we flash to the Joes hanging out in the Himalayas with said BET, the broadcast energy generator. We hear some Joes telling bad jokes before we get a little bit of exposition from Mainframe and Dialtone for their only dialog. Apparently, the BET is this new channel…oops, I mean, it’s a machine that pumps pure unlimited energy right through the air anywhere and anytime they want. I guess it’s supposed to solve the world’s energy crisis even though it could put all the oil companies out of business. And it only costs a billion of the taxpayer’s dollars. As we will find out, it also activates and operates machinery a la Maximum Overdrive, but more on that later.
Just what were they planning on doing with this in the mountains? Well, seems they are using this remote area to test it and they do. Energy hits everywhere with no ill effects on the people present (nothing noticeable at this time at least). It powers up, activates, and puts all the vehicles in gear! Somehow the BET knows how to operate a clutch and drive a stick shift!Cobra Attacks!
Uh-oh! Here comes Cobra! Wow for once, Cobra catches the Joes with their pants down and they manage to destroy many of their vehicles right away! Duke cries they should fall back for a counter attack. I think this is the first time the Joes have ever had to retreat?! Well, they don’t do it for long. The Joes make a valiant stand as always and Cobra shows us that Dr. Mindbender can’t drive to save his life. Duke makes a break for the BET to try to activate it and gets shot in the shoulder. Quick Kick fires on the oncoming Dreadnoughts to save Duke from attack. Duke’s firing up the BET when Serpentor flies in on him with his lame-ass chariot. Duke hitches a ride and throws a grenade in the chariot engine, knocking Serpentor off and into the snow.
Duke activates the BET and it automatically activates, aims, and fires the weapons right at Cobra’s concentrated troops?! Tomax and Xamot notice they’re being flanked by automated weapons and they start to freak out. Ironically again, Cobra Commander orders they stand their ground but no one is listening. Serpentor vs Duke Part 1: BET on a Pole Match
Serpentor grabs Duke from the BET seat and they start duking it out (no pun intended). He attacks with his new trademark “grab a snake off my shoulder and make it a spear” but it misses. Baroness notices Serpentor’s actually fighting one-on-one but the Commander doesn’t see the need to rush over to help him. He punches Duke to the ground but Duke does the double-kick sending Serpentor into the active BET satellite dish, which knocks him unconscious. Now Cobra Commander decides it’s time to retreat much to Cobra Elite’s disapproval. Commander directs them into the mountains; he knows of a place where they can find sanctuary.GI Joe vs. Cobra La Part 1: Tag Team Match
The Joes split their forces: one to follow Cobra and the other to deal with Serpentor and the BET. Cobra Commander leads the Cobra forces into a mountain hideaway before they all freeze to death. The place looks radically bizarre for its location. But the Joes are in hot pursuit. GI Joe starts attacking and all of the sudden these bug-like troops emerge from the snow below praising Alah! These bug troops proceed to beat the Joes’ collective asses …even Quick Kick can’t land a foot! Snowjob gets the bright idea to run them over with his vehicle until ol’ Elbow Blade Nemesis Enforcer grabs the front end and elbows his way inside, grabbing Snow Job and beating his ass.
After the ass beating, Cobra Commander claps and says “bravo” while approaching Elbow Blade before he receives the backhand. Cobra Commander states that Golobulus will have his head, indicated he knows these people. Just then, Pythona, the woman who infiltrated the Cobra Terrodrome early says it is he who should watch his head. Cobra Commander tries to escape but ol Elbow Blades apprehends him just before the vehicle arbitrarily explodes for no reason. Nemesis Enforcer flies the Commander off-screen as the Joes are put in prison.
The Cobra elite quickly realizes that the no-named Cobra officers are being imprisoned as well. They discover these people know all about Cobra and each of their names. Pythona orders them to rescue Serpentor. Zartan’s one line of the show reinforces his personality. He wants a reason why they should follow her orders so she presents him with a very large gemstone, which is encouragement enough. Meet the New Recruits
Back at Joe Headquarters, we see tanks patrolling and wasting gas. In the Joe’s war room, the Joe elite are having a meeting. Duke’s p**sed that he hasn’t heard from Roadblock’s unit. Flint offers to take a search party while the rest stay there to guard Serpentor and the BET. General Hawk agrees and decides to relocate the BET to a maximum-security area.
Meanwhile, Beachhead is training the new recruits who will surely sell a lot of toys. And look, there are only 5 new recruits…well 6 if Lt. Falcon had actually shown up. Beachhead continues with the obstacle course. Big Lob and Tunnel Rat must make it through to the other side and ring a bell. Big Lob treats it like a basketball court, bobbin’ and swaying back n forth, making sporto one-liners left and right while Tunnel Rat uses the sewer pipe to reach the other side. They both ring the bell and have a dance.
Next up is Law and Order (I just cringe saying that) –a Latino and his dog. Beachhead orders them to find and disarm a bomb. The dog does most of the work but won’t give up the bomb once he fetches. Law finally gets him to let go of it and they get rid of it before it blows. After that Chuckles is ordered to blow up a Hiss tank, which he does “manually” by grabbing a rocket and physically throwing it into the oncoming tank! He’s a hands-on kinda guy. Now we go to a sparring match between Jinx and Beachhead and she’s no match for him until she puts on the blindfold(!?).
Flash to Lt. Falcon taking a date to a high security prison area…always where I take my first dates. Duke shows up and rides Falcon’s ass for taking a date to such a stupid location. Duke confiscates his date’s camera and Jinx escorts her out. Duke and Falcon argue a bit. The date leaves and decides to go for a swim. Ahh it was Zarana all along…she used her earring camera to get recon info on Serpentor’s wherabouts. Cobra-La shows up to make use of this info.
Serpentor’s Escape: Nemesis Enforcer vs. Alpine, Bazooka, and Gung Ho
Meanwhile Alpine, Bazooka, and Gung-ho are guarding Serpentor while Lt. Falcon is supposed to be on guard duty. Of course, he’s a rebel so he’s out flirting with Jinx; he even slaps her butt! He talks about how Serpentor can’t be reached as the Cobra agents actually reach him.
Nemesis Enforcer actually does the brunt of the work and we learn he is impervious to laser fire. Bazooka doesn’t even try to use his bazooka and no one can hit a damn thing. Cobra breaks in and Serpentor is released! They make their escape using bio warfare. Hawk goes off on Lt. Falcon for his irresponsibility and sounding like Don Johnson. Falcon sucks his thumb.Serpentor’s Return
Switch to a flying, bloated caterpillar entering a vagina in the side of a mountain. It lands in front of Golobulus and he orders some bugs to form a red carpet for Serpentor’s arrival. Who’s actually in charge here? Why all this royal BS? Golobulus informs Serpentor that he created him (?!) all along, much to Dr. Mindbender’s dismay. See, last season, it was Dr. Mindbender, a new Cobra Psychologist who came up with the initial plan, but that’s all retro-fitted now to be no more than a memory implant (!?). This convinces Cobra’s elite to praise allegiance to Cobra-La.
Golobulus asks about the BET but Serpentor admits he was unable to get it and that he won’t fail again. Golobulus thinly veils his threat if Serpentor fails again. But he says they have a more important matter at hand: the trial of Cobra Commander! A clam raises from a nearby pool of water with the Commander imprisoned within.Trial of Cobra Commander…and Falcon
Next we see the trial of Cobra Commander juxtaposed with Lt. Falcon’s trial. For some reason, the writers think we care about Lt. Falcon’s trial or that we care about the new looser recruits eavesdropping. Duke plays favorites in the court hearing indicating Falcon is his half brother. Because of this, they decide to sentence him to Sgt. Slobber’s training camp.
Back to the Commander’s trial – he’s resistant at first but agrees to be silent or be silenced. Luckily for us, the Web of Remembrance exposition device is there to retrofit the Commander’s origin story for the audience. Apparently, 40,000 years ago Cobra-la ruled the world but their civilization was destroyed by the ice age (which is naturally why they live in the cold regions of the Himalayas now). The coming of the Barbarians were a grave new challenge that they couldn’t endure, yet their modern day troops are impervious to modern day humans <shrugs>. Humans evolved, discovered fire, and learned to use tools and technology.
Cobra-la had to retreat to their sanctuary because they were no match for the humans for some reason, because they didn’t focus on organics. So Cobra-la hand-picked Cobra Commander to create his own-technological army not for terrorist attacks or world domination like we’ve always known but they were really created to restore Cobra-la and their organic ways to rule the world!Cobra Commander’s Weak-ass Origin Story
Now we get the retrofitted scene/flashback of Cobra Commander’s origin; apparently he was a plant-person/noble scientist playing with pods and a chemistry set, which is naturally explode in his face and disfigure him. Cobra Commander was Golobulus’s choice to rule the world(!?). Funny, if this guy was so brilliant, why did he choose such a bumbling and cowardly buffoon? And if he hated man’s technology why did he handpick a guy who would also use this technology?! Wouldn’t he easily have turned on him? And if their organic bioweapons are so superior to the Joe’s latest and greatest weapons now, why would it have been a problem to confront a more primitive man? This just doesn’t make sense.The Ultimate Plan
As Cobra Commander is dropped in front of everyone, Golobulus explains what the pod towers actually are: they’re bio weapons they plan to launch into the atmosphere and cook with the BET station…I mean, Broadcast Energy Transmitter. Once that happens, the Earth will be covered by spores that turn all the humans into mindless zombie mutants because they’re much easier to rule than humans and make the world a better place overall. Sentence Time
Cobra Commander mouths off, ironically showing a lack of cowardice at the moment just before Golobulus declares him guilty of failure. Funny thing is, he was just in a clam and now he’s just kinda standing around. What is his sentence? A face-full of yet another pod, which gradually turns him into a snake. Serpentor recommends throwing his mutated carcass in with the Joe prisoners for some psychological warfare and Pythona kinda gets off on it. I think her and Serpentor have something going on.
It’s time for Falcon’s sentence; Wild Bill and Tollbooth, the interesting characters they are, are dropping Falcon off on some island where Sgt. Flubber is training some hardcore Joe recruits. Poor Falcon meets some more new recruits that are sure to sell some toys; GI Joe’s getting desperate by recruiting circus folk, football players, and former Cobra losers. Falcon about gets an ass-beating until the Sarge shows up. The Slobber House
Sgt Slobber looking every bit like the physique he portrays in real life, tries to act all Full Metal Jacket. He talks like almost every wrestler, which is just a little shy of mumbling coherency. We get introduced to the previously mentioned roughnecks –a bunch of freak jobbers, another sport guy-turned Joe, a former circus performer, and an ex Cobra viper, who has somehow become somewhat competent. They’re gonna whip Falcon into shape apparently. Sgt. Slobber starts mumbling about a titty bag and no one knows WTF he’s talking about. He’s a hard ass though because Slobber makes Falcon run to the fort while he rides back in his go-cart of destruction. The Joes Attempted Escape
Back at Cobra La headquarters, the bug troops are taking Cobra Commander’s snake body to the Joe’s cell so they can see what’s coming –that would be total incoherence! Shipwreck gets a sailor-line and they all have a plan to escape. Even the keys are bugs here! Man, Quick Kick’s gotta be cold as hell but to be fair, his jacket is on and off again in alternating scenes! The Joes make their escape…or at least try. Golobulus talks smack to Serpentor, which is rather amusing. The Joes get caught up in some vines from Hell and we don’t get enough screen time for Snake Eyes.
Commander warns Roadblock about the trap and offers to show him another way out. Roadblock is blinded by a pod on the way out and they fall into the frozen water and somehow don’t die of hypothermia. Damn those pods are a great plot device; they do whatever the script calls –especially when Nemesis Enforcer usually just beats ass. Cobra Commander will be his eyes now as long as Roadblock takes him along.
The big pods launch into the sky and Destro and Baronesss get a few lines. Serpentor plans to get the BET to complete the plan. Back to Roadblock and Commander…and Cobra Commander starts his “once a man” song. His face plate falls off. Back at the Slobber House
Somewhere warm…ah back at Slobber’s Training camp. Falcon shows up too late to eat. Slobber makes him do the dishes though, heheh. The training begins – tires, pullups, wrestling, etc. I’m not sure how all that teaches him responsibility but at least he didn’t break out into the song, “looking for a hearbeat!” Duke orders Slobber to infiltrate the Terrordrome on Cobra Island and blow it up – guess they know exactly where it’s at and haven’t bombed it in all this time. Falcon makes friends by gloating they don’t even need weapons.
Cut to some Joes talking about how Cobra would never guess where they’d put the BET in this particular military installation. Apparently, Baroness can be two places at once as she was masked as some civilian. Now she knows and she runs out to do the craziest evil laugh from her so far this movie. Attack on the Terrordrome
Back at the Terror Drome – Cobra troops in bubbles, scouts, guards, etc. It’s the roughnecks – Mercer, the former Cobra guy recommends the AC ducts. They eavesdrop on Serpentor, who is also in multiple places at a time. He indicates they’ve discovered the BET and the Joes learn about Cobra La. They break in, steal weapons, plant some explosives, and raise some all around hell.
The alarm is sounded and Falcon breaks into the comm room and contacts GI Joe. Sgt Slobber is so strong he lifts something gigantic over almost on top of some troops who couldn’t shoot a barn even if they were in one. Falcon shows he is totally incompetent since he gets punched in the face by a Cobra Viper, probably the first successful offence by any cobra officer. Falcon gets caught and held by the two effeminate guard commanders while Serpentor smacks him back and forth; let’s rewind this scene and watch it a few times. Nemesis Enforcer vs Sgt. Slobber part 1
Ah Nemesis Enforcer is there to beat up Falcon too …oh no; St Slobber shows up and talks some trash but gets a face full of Octopus while Enforcer beats on him – this scene is great! Before the match gets too involved, someone shoots near Serpentor and he panics (!?) and screams for help like a little boy! The whole place starts blowing up as the Joe roughneck team rush away on stolen boats.
The upper echelon of Cobra emerges in some safety orb and Serpentor’s naturally p**sed. Attack of the Salad
Ah the BET is under attack! The Joes scramble and the recruits get left behind; no one wants them stinkin’ up their ride. Naturally, they have to hotwire a helicopter but can’t seem to get it going until Chuckles, Mister Manual that he is, manually starts it and hangs on to the top. Joes are counter attacking until some plant ships show up – organic warfare! Sci-fi, the green suited guy who doesn’t get a line gets blasted off a tank by some spoo ammo! Vines swarm all the joe’s crafts and the recruits enter battle finally. But the new recruits are blasted by some salad, which sends them crashing through a lot of glass without a single laceration! Everyone’s a-okay, even Chuckles and his Hawaiian shirt.
Serpentor flanks the Joes with his new and improved Islamic battle cry and a couple of giant worms. Is this Dungeons and Dragons all of the sudden? The Joes get their ass beat by all this crap and the worms make their way inside the compound. The saboteurs can’t break the defenses so Nemesis Enforcer uses his elbow blades to cut through the metal, making previous troops useless. Cobra has reached the BET.
Serpentor gets out of his plane to see the roughnecks (all five of them) approaching in the golf cart of doom™ and he panics, ordering to evacuate the BET at once (?!). WTF? They were winning! Exactly who was supposed to be the cowardly leader in this show?! I Thought Cobra Commander had that market cornered!? Serpentor fires a rocket, knocking over the golf cart!Serpentor vs. Duke Part 2
Duke rushes in to save Falcon. Did I mention Falcon is a total ass hat? Serpentor goes in for the kill but Duke interferes and gets punched for it (hahhaha). Serpentor straightens a snake spear from his shoulder and tries to lunge it into Falcon (yes please!) but Duke steps in front of it and takes the shot. Way to go Falcon! Actually, Duke was supposed to die here but due to the negative reaction to Optimus Prime’s death the summer before, they had to make some minor changes at the last minute. Duke goes into a coma! Seriously, was Duke that big of a hero to begin with? I mean, Snake Eyes, I could totally understand but Duke? The BET is Captured
Serpentor gloats and some big bug apprehends the BET. Flash to Duke dying …er uh doing his last speech. This sounds like a death speech. Falcon promises to be a credit to his country, even though Cobra la is a worldwide threat heh. Serpentor shows up at Cobra La headquarters with the BET and they turn it on to ripen the spores. Golobulus does an evil laugh gloating how the primitive planet will be theirs.
The Joes deduce the BET is firing from the Himalayas, which is ironically somewhere close to the other Joes battle and also where they came up missing. Beachhead and Hawk b***h at the new recruits and tell them they’re not ready and they are ordered to stay put, which naturally means they’ll be coming along for the big end fight.
Roadblock and Commander/snake are not frozen in the high mountains nor do they need food. How much time has passed at this point?! I think they don’t exist in the same frame of time since Serpentor went from Cobra La to the Terrordrome, awaited Barnoess’s intelligence gathering, got blown up, then back to battle and back to Cobra La. Anyway, Roadblock serendipitously falls blindly into the rescue crew that was supposed to find him, showing once again GI Joe’s ineptness. They report to base right away and Roadblock tells about the snake-man transformation awaiting them all. And about gobbling plants.Attack on Cobra La
The Joes attack Cobra Law and Golobulus acts all s**tty to Serpentor again. The vines attack the Joes and Hawk almost bites it (damn). Huge vines trap everyone and the rawhides decide to do something about it. Damn the rawhides are f**kin fast – they traveled the world in a junky helicopter in seconds! Cobra Commander leads them in at least until he totally goes animal. Tunnel Rat hears water (plot point alert!) and they notice a back way in, guarded by the inept dreadnoughts and they take no time to rough them up.
The Joes attack using the Dreadnoughts ships and Big Lob continues with some sports metaphors (cringe). He directs the crashing ship into the bush from hell, which releases the previously captured Joes, so I guess he’s not totally useless. Cobra retaliates but somehow the troops here have become progressively weaker since the beginning of the show. The other Joes are free and they flank them. Somehow the Bug troops are wussies all of the sudden and the Joes clean house …old troops, roughnecks, and the new rawhides commence the ass-kicking.
But they are all too late as the BET has made the spores mature. Golobulus commands the giant bugs to protect the palace. The bridge is a giant grasshopper, some slugs show up, and a bunch of caterpillars attack as well. Just the new recruits and Slobber make it in passed the gates and they reach the BET, which doesn’t say a whole lot for all the vets we’ve admired over the years.The Rematches
Time for the rematch! Slobber and Nemissis Enforcer tango again, but the Enforcer has become a total puss for some reason. Pythona and the bad luck Ninja get it on. Falcon and Serpentor duke it out if Serpentor would just get off that lame chariot. Nemisis Enforcer puts up a little fight while the Ninja woman about east some acid claws. Serpentor knocks Falcon off his chariot and tries the ol’ snake shoulder spear trick. Jinx decides to put on a blindfold. Serpentor’s snake is strangling Falcon until Cobra Commander of all people comes to interfere. Serpentor races off because he’s a chicken s**t I guess. Golobulus opens up the earth just in time for Jinx to throw Pythona off the Cliff.
Slobber hits Nemesis Enforcer once for everyone, including the USA before throwing him off the cliff. Cliffs are great plot devices I guess Serpentor flies back and Falcon hitches a ride, stuffing Serpentor’s idiotic cape into the motor, which makes him loose control of the Chariot from hell, sending Falcon across the cliff, dumping him off, and sending Serpentor flying out into the sky, a la Darth Vader’s Tie Fighter.
Falcon threatens Golobulus and naturally gets rammed for it. Golobulus drops the round shell thing around his base to reveal he has a snake body. He grabs Falcon in a bear hug and starts delivering some of the best lines of the show:
“I’ll stain my hands with your blood” and “the last sound you hear will be the crushing of your spine” or something like that.
Golobulus gets him with a nice trip attack and he grapples him, crushing in on his face. Just then, Falcon grabs the worm stick that was used to measure the ripeness of the spores and stabs him in the eye with it! Falcon stops the BET but it’s too late, the spores are spawning. Golobulus decides to take off instead of finishing off Falcon. Falcon gets an idea to turn it back on and amps it up even hotter, frying the spores in space! Finally the BET is about to self-destruct! Falcon says to leave and save themselves but Slobber says “we all go home or no one goes home” echoing an earlier statement.
Slobber and Jinx do some goofy belt trick and Falcon grabs her ankles and Slobber swings her around. The Joes make it out in just the nick of time as the place explodes, as it always has to and the end of a show!
Dead bugs everywhere. A message from Doc is shoehorned into this ending scene explaining that Duke’s gonna be a-okay! Jinx and Falcon kiss for some reason while they are watching the spores burn up in the atmosphere like shooting stars and the movie’s over…we hope.
Credits roll to the awesome intro song! THE END
The intro song
Falcon getting slapped around
Sgt. Slobber getting an octopus to the face and getting slugged thereafter
Duke gets taken down a notch
Voice of Golobulus
Not enough Snake Eyes. Actually, there was not enough of the classic characters period.
The “new” and “real” Cobra leaders…again
The change from a military-style cartoon to a b-movie about mutants…wait, that might not be a bad thing!
Nemesis Enforcer’s elbows of doom!
Falcon’s looser-ish ways: he brings spies into Joe HQ to take pictures, he’s responsible for Serpentor’s escape, and he gets Duke injured
Cobra converts to Islam! lalalalalalala
Cobra Commander’s trial
Serpentor’ sure is a wuss for being the Cobra Emperor
“an itty bitty ditty bag” – Sgt. Slobber
Time frames: time passes weird in the world of GI Joe –some people are in multiple places at once or in simultaneous and different subplots
Distance is not a factor in the world of GI Joe – you can pilot a helicopter across the world on a tank of gas or teleport yourself to any number of Joe’s science labs to do some recon if you’re the Baroness.
Joes and Cobra can carry on full conversations miles apart and within or near a cockpit of any airplane even without a radio.
“was once a man…was once a man…was once a man!”
Serpentor’s outfits, his weaponry, and that lame-ass chariot
Cobra-La’s Bio warfare/mix between plant and animal weapons
Ineffective Asian ninja unless she’s blindfolded
Only a couple new recruits this year
Film retrofitted/shoehorned so that Duke doesn’t actually die
Sgt. Slobber’s physique in the movie didn’t really reflect reality
Don Johnson as Falcon
General Notes about GI Joe the series:
Cobra’s subtle architects? How did they stay hidden from the Joes?
Wouldn’t b e much easier for everyone if all terrorists wore bright red or blue uniforms?
Cobra decorates everything with cobras, including binoculars, bed frames, socks, back-scratchers, and more
Cobra loves their symbol so much they have it on every door, every vehicle, every piece of equipment, (even a watch) etc,. – I wonder if they ever made an action figure of the Cobra Interior Decorator troop?
Joes also decorate their vehicles with giant Joe symbols.
Joe HQ has a huge cannon. Cobra could just attack the complex frorm behind.
High tech control rooms are hidden in the most primitive of places (swamp, ancient ruins, museums, Himalayan villages, etc.,)
Cobra is heavy into propaganda tactics: mind control, subliminal messages, taking over TV networks
Cobra Commander has the most bizarre of plans: carving Cobra’s symbol into the moon, brainwashing the masses with an evil rock band, etc.,
Cobra comes up with such crazy inventions that if they focused all that creativity into regular inventions they would be rich, legally.
Physics and Common Sense Stuff
Parachutes will always save you if your plane is shot down, even in space!
Joes don’t burn up in Earth’s atmosphere when parachuting from said shot-down space plane. They land at Joe HQ when parachuting too.
The sun is so close that if your plane drifts off into space, you’ll hit it in the matter of moments!
In the universe of GI Joe, vehicles, equipment, weapons, and uniforms haven’t been designed with practicality purposes in mind.
Cobra shoots evil lasers; Joes shoot good lasers. No one hits anyone…not even at point blank range.
If anyone falls from a great distance they will always land in water. No one dies in fire fight even at distances of 5 feet. Parachutes are plentiful.
Just like in Transformers, brainwashing sound waves can be beaten by earplugs (or at least make shift earplugs).
Just Plain Odd
10 Cobra Officers = 1 Joe
Only named Cobra Officers can get any kind of shot in on a Joe, but it’s never fatal; it’s usually disabling or distracting though. A Joe never jobs to Cobra, in any way or under any circumstances.
Hooded Masked Cobra officers wear sunglasses, trench coats, and hats to disguise their masks…er something.
Cobra’s master of disguise officers (Baroness, Zartan, Destro, etc.) can impersonate anyone without being discovered. Also, some Joes are absolute masters of disguise.
Three guys voice all half the Joes and 99% of the secondary one-timer characters.
Every control panel has a plot device button.
Cobra has unemployment benefits.