Icy...Cold...People

[Ash]

One of the reasons I keep coming back to this forum after nearly 8 years is because the people here are personable and friendly.

Most of us think alike.

In everyday life and here on this board, we're generally friendly people with exceptional personalities.
When we talk to each other here we know we'll get responses because, even though most of us have never met in person, we know we're talking to "good people" who have good personalities.
When you meet a person with a warm and friendly personality, you instinctively respond to them.

But what about those people we meet in life who aren't as warm and friendly?

Case in point...
I had two job interviews last week and during each interview, I tried my best to just be myself.
That included smiling and talking to the interviewer and attempting to break through their defenses by talking to them as if I had known them for years.  Bringing up topics I thought they could relate to.
I tried to draw them into my train of thought by bringing up situations they themselves might have been in before me and could identify with.  I tried to talk to them on a level I thought they would understand.
Instead of smiling and nodding or vocalizing in recognition, they remained cold and frowned the entire time.
Basically, I tried to relate to them on a "human" level.
No matter how hard I tried, I simply couldn't penetrate their defenses.  

Now if it were just you & I, we'd be talking about B-movies and our conversation would venture into other things we both share in common.  I would find that "common ground" and use it.
In the end, when I had left the room, I would hope that you would think, "Now there was a cool guy.  I liked him!"

But some people are impenetrable.

It isn't just potential employers...
I've met people who I thought were approachable and have tried to talk to them and the conversation goes nowhere because they were literally cold as ice.
What's up with that?

I'm pretty damn good when it comes to ingratiating myself upon other people but there are some people who are so icy cold...you just can't get through.  You instinctively know that they are not on your particular level.

I have to wonder what happened to them to make them so cold.

How about you?
Ever run into Icy...Cold...People?

[Mofo Rising]

Well, I don't know. I have a somewhat low, very monotone voice, and I don't really give off common indicators on my mood. I've had people walk around on eggshells around me because they think I must be ticked off at them or something. Unless, I've known you for a while, as well, I'm usually pretty quiet. The funny thing about quiet people is that other people form all sorts of opinions about them that may have nothing to do with that person. I've had people assume I'm a jerk and others assume I'm nice and quiet.

The thing is, I really don't care about my social appearance. In actuality I like almost everybody I meet, and I never take anything very seriously. Almost everything I say is meant as a joke, but I use my regular monotone voice and delivery. So unless you realize I'm joking I come across as deadly serious. I find it amusing and tend to play it up. I'm also kind of a jerk anyway.

So I wonder about icy people. Are they like that all the time, or is it just an initial appearance?

That's not to say there aren't a lot of total pricks running around. I've sure met a lot of them. My main bugaboo is people who have no sense of humor. Often it's coupled with an ego problem. I'm not saying people should try to be funny all the time, it's just as annoying to meet somebody who obsessively tries to make you laugh and gets upset when you don't smile. If you're not funny, I won't laugh, and if you have to ask me to smile, leave.

Some people are asses, who literally think that they are better than you. My philosophy? f**k 'em. There are six billion people on this planet, I'm not going to waste my time trying to butter up the dips**ts.

I do, however, give them the benefit of the doubt.

[Trevor]

I have that problem of Icy Cold People as well, Ash: definitely not here but certainly with some of my clients.

I was dealing with a researcher for an Emmy Award winning filmmaker who was asking for footage on a historical section of Cape Town. I did all the research for them (which I cannot do) and they cleared their rights.

Three weeks later, the films were delivered as requested: that afternoon, I got a call from them asking if I had delivered them and I told them that I had. They then asked me to go and collect the things to bring them back to the Archives so that they could be viewed as the royalties owing were too high.

It wasn't as if the lab we work with is around the corner: that lab is in Johannesburg, about forty miles from us. 

[Trevor]

One of the reasons I keep coming back to this forum after nearly 8 years is because the people here are personable and friendly.

Most of us think alike.

I had two job interviews last week and during each interview, I tried my best to just be myself.

I forgot to add, despite the hassles you had, I sincerely hope you are offered a job as you're the one person I know who's had a rough year: you deserve a break and you deserve something a lot better than the 2008 you've had so far. 

[Psycho Circus]

I've met ALOT of people that you would consider "icy", I believe that I get judged straight off mainly my appearance and that some of these people think they are above me and that I'm a joke or a loser. There are other people who I've tried to strike up conversation with, people I've actually had stuff in common with and they just take me the wrong way, thinking that I'm being fake or patronizing, when I'm just trying to be friendly!?

I also got passed over for a job recently, I was informed that the area mananger of this company did not like men with long hair and that she didn't like me (I was on a trial period). All the other staff and the clients at this place wanted me to work there and everyone said I was doing a geat job and had made a real impact on the running of the office. I had my interview, tried to be myself, but was later told that I wasn't successful. There were 4 other ppl who applied for the vacancy, when they offered it to the 1st person, they turned it down. They offered it to all the others then, who turned it down because it was a drop in wages.

After all the other applicants turned it down, they re-advertised. I was not even considered.

[Jack]

The whole job interview process is one of the most bizarre rituals that there is.  The interviewer is supposed to act as if they're hiring someone to fill the position of Secretary of State, and the interviewee is supposed to act as if they've spent every waking moment since the age of 5 looking forward to getting the chance to become the world's best accounts payable clerk or whatever.  It's just comical.  Then when somebody actually gets hired, all that really matters is if you get along with the person or not.  The ones who come off as some sort of extraordinary workers almost always turn out to be bull**** artists, and really the last thing you want when you hire someone is a bull**** artist, but that's what the system favors.  Probably because the people who came up with the system were bull**** artists themselves. 

The people who come in and are so nervous that they come off as sounding a bit foolish are probably normal folks who would do a perfectly good job and become really good friends with everyone.  You'd have a nice, harmonious work environment, morale would be good, productivity would be excellent, etc.  But no, that would be too damned easy.  They've got to make a bizarre and moderately frightening ritual out of it, almost guaranteed to produce poor results.

[Derf]

I've always had lousy luck in interviews, but I've been through enough to realize that the interviewer has a pretty rotten job: talking to fairly large numbers of people who all want to "make an impression." Ash, I'm sure you were just being yourself (a decent, likeable guy), but the interviewer was likely guarded because he/she had been talking to others who were putting on an act, pretending (as Jack said) that they had been dreaming of landing such an exciting job all their lives. Don't be too hard on them; they are usually given an idiotic script to follow in the interview process, and then they go into it thinking that everyone they talk to is going to try to BS their way into a job.

I do hope something comes of your efforts, though, and I wish you nothing but the best.

[Trevor]

and the interviewee is supposed to act as if they've spent every waking moment since the age of 5 looking forward to getting the chance to become the world's best accounts payable clerk or whatever. 

 

[AndyC]

Job interviewers are not immune to social awkwardness. I'd say that most people who find their way into management get there by being good at their jobs and not necessarily by being good with people. It's not always easy to judge if someone likes you, and a cold first meeting with somebody doesn't necessarily mean they won't warm up to you in their own good time.

I know first-hand that quiet people can be misread. I get that a fair bit. I'm a big guy, I look like a biker, and I don't say much. Really, I don't do small talk well. Unless I have something worthwhile to say, I usually don't say anything. People find that intimidating.

There was one old lady who goes to our church. Not too long ago, I interviewed her for a story. I heard later from my wife that this lady was really impressed. Turns out that she's always seen me as such a gruff individual, and she was a little nervous at first. As it turned out, she thought I was charming, polite and very professional. Actually, both the gruff and the charming assessments surprised me.

When I was an editor, I had a reporter who actually thought I was out to get her because I seldom offered greetings or dished out praise, and I was always telling her what she needed to improve. Granted, she was young, a bit of a nut, and way too sensitive for the newspaper business, but I know part of it was the signals I was sending.

On the other side of the coin, I've had an editor tell me I lacked passion for my work, because I generally approach it in a detached and professional manner. Under different circumstances, I'm praised for my professionalism and unflappability. Go figure.

I sometimes have a hell of a time convincing my wife that I like something she's done. She's more the sort to give enthusiastic praise, while I might just say "Wow, that's cool." We both mean the same thing.

Quiet people, and people who fear social situations, tend to get labelled as grouchy, stuck up, weird and all sorts of things. And worse still are the people who sense that you're uneasy and try like hell to draw you out. No offense, Ash, but when you described your effort to engage the interviewer, it reminded me of every person who ever p**sed me off by doing exactly that. Actually, your choice of words helps to put it in perspective. You were trying to "penetrate his defenses." He's put up a fence and here's this stranger trying to climb over into his metaphorical yard.

It takes me a little while to build a rapport with someone on a social level. If I sense that someone is trying to force that, I get mad. It's not their fault, since they honestly believe they're being nice. It's just that they're doing entirely the wrong thing, and they don't seem to notice when it isn't working. Extroverts simply do not understand introverts. I suppose the opposite is probably true as well.

[CheezeFlixz]

I haven't had to go on a job interview in a long, long time.

But the last one I went on the interviewer asked me

"Why should we hire you?"
I replied ... "I think the real question is, why should I work for you?"

They offered me the job ... I turned it down. Remember they are interviewing you, and you are interviewing them. Depending on your skill level and marketability they have to make it worth your time.

Many interviews are cold because they are Joe Friday interviews, "Just the Facts, Sir" it's not to chat, be friendly or inviting, it's to see if the person lives up to their resume. I've interviewed 100's of people and I'd say I'm a cold, icy interviewer ... I'm not there to be your buddy, your pal or friend. I'm there to find out if you can do the job and I'll general know within 5 minute of talking to you and the first feeling I get you can't do the job ... "Thanks for coming in and good luck with your job hunt."   

[AndyC]

From any experience I've had with hiring, people already know who they want after they read the resumes. The interview is just a chance to check the hopefuls out in person, make sure they're as good as they appear on paper. If your resume didn't sell them, then they're just going through the motions, wasting your time and theirs, in case something doesn't work out with the person they want. Can't blame the guy for being disinterested if he's talking to a bunch of people he has no intention of hiring. But there's usually a process to follow, even if the outcome is decided well ahead of time.

[Patient7]

Well, I don't know. I have a somewhat low, very monotone voice, and I don't really give off common indicators on my mood. I've had people walk around on eggshells around me because they think I must be ticked off at them or something. Unless, I've known you for a while, as well, I'm usually pretty quiet. The funny thing about quiet people is that other people form all sorts of opinions about them that may have nothing to do with that person. I've had people assume I'm a jerk and others assume I'm nice and quiet.

The thing is, I really don't care about my social appearance. In actuality I like almost everybody I meet, and I never take anything very seriously. Almost everything I say is meant as a joke, but I use my regular monotone voice and delivery. So unless you realize I'm joking I come across as deadly serious. I find it amusing and tend to play it up. I'm also kind of a jerk anyway.

Sounds a lot like my English teacher, funny guy.

As for me, I'm normally very welcoming so long as I'm not p**sed off.  It seems to me though that whenever I'm p**sed off is when people want to talk.  Weird. 

[Rev. Powell]

I think you should be careful when you label people you've just met as "icy and cold."  They may be quite warm and friendly, once you get to know them. 

Like Mofo and AndyC, people often think I'm cold and unfriendly when they first meet me.  That's not true at all!  I bear them no personal ill will.  It's just that I have no interest in anything they say, and don't care whether they live or die.

[RCMerchant]

I'm just the opposite...I come off as nice and freindly ..but secretly I WISH THE WORLD WOULD DIE SCREAMING!!!!!

[Jack]

We all wish that RC