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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Movies  |  Bad Movies  |  ABE'S TOMB (2007) « previous next »
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Author Topic: ABE'S TOMB (2007)  (Read 1270 times)
indianasmith
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A good bad movie is like popcorn for the soul!


« on: August 14, 2008, 06:01:58 PM »

Some movies are made to be bad, some movies are bad unintentionally, and some movies are so bad they melt your brain and cause intestinal cramping.  Then there's ABE'S TOMB.

What can I say?  This is arguably one of the worst vampire films of all time (and I have seen some stinkers!).

OK, a quick plot synopsis . . . the movie opens with a reporter pulling a sleeping man out from behind a barrier made of wooden pallets in an alley somewhere.  Turns out the sleeping bum is the town's sheriff.  The reporter offers to drive the sheriff home and get him "past all the vampires" that control the town.  They get to the sheriff's house and he pours a drink.  Then he asks the reporter to write down everything that has happened at the little town of Moore's Lake since the plague of vampires began, and he starts telling his story . . .

What follows is a confusing mish-mash of badly edited scenes, stilted dialog, and some of the worst fake fights ever filmed.  The "Abe" of the title is a long-dead sorcerer whose ghost resides in a cave outside town . . . he will grant wishes, but always grants them in a way that destroys the wisher's life.  That doesn't stop a vast horde of idiots from coming to Moore's Lake to make wishes every year.  Vampires have begun preying on the town's livestock and are about move up to assaulting the citizens.  The sheriff's daughter, Saber, a professional vampire hunter, comes to town and starts a bar fight when her partner cheats her at poker.  The governor quarantines the town.  Other bounty hunters come in to help kill vampires.  The ghost of Abe gives advice how to defeat the vampires.  Many badly made, obviously fake  fight scenes ensue.  The vampires are defeated, but then Abe causes the virus to break out again in response to a teenage girl's wish that her mom be cured of cancer.  The sheriff's niece becomes a vamp, as does his favorite deputy.  The local ice cream vendor loses his wife to the vampires, and stakes one of them in revenge.  More bad fight scenes.  Finally, we find out that the reporter has been turned and has led the sheriff into a trap.  The immortal head vampire emerges, and the sheriff, unable to kill him with a gun, manages to open a grenadeand toss it, but it  is picked up by his now-vampirized hot blonde deputy.  She must face a choice - drop the grenade onto the box of ammunition in the sheriff's house, immolating the head vampire Lucius and freeing all those enslaved to vampirism . . . or tossing the grenade outside to explode harmlessly.

Confused?  Lordy, I was.  This is quite possibly a worse movie than PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE.  Worse than NINJA BACHELOR PARTY.  Worse than THE LOST EMPIRE.  It's that bad.  The women are cute enough, but they all stay in their clothes, for the most part.  The special effects are so cheap, they don't even have squibs for the guns to fire - you see the characters pull the trigger, and hear recorded gunfire which isn't even in sync half the time . . . the fight scenes are just incredibly bad, and the dialog, while some of the lines are creative enough ("I'm gonna serve you a wooden stake sundae with a double dip of whoopass on top!!!), most of them are delivered in either monotone or with entirely inappropriate emotion.  Abe is a guy in a black cloak with an obviously plastic Halloween skull mask for a face.  One little kid who is vampirized can't help but grin when he goes down with a pencil-sized wooden stake in his chest.  Speaking of pencils, the deputy uses one as crossbow ammunition at one point.  One deputy, after killing several vampires, suddenly decides to soak under a waterfall in her underwear, all alone, for no apparent reason.  The head vampire, Lucius, has an outrageously fake Eastern European accent.  The newly turned vampires are all lousy fist fighters.

In short, this movie is totally, completely, wonderfully, gloriously BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I give it my highest recommendation.  It is the kind of cinematic sewage this site was made to celebrate.  Seriously, guys, go check out ABE'S TOMB.  And then, after you burn your DVD player and curse my name to all your heathen deities, come to this thread and tell me what you think.
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"I shall smite you in the nostrils with a rod of iron, and wax your spleen with Efferdent!!"
The Dungeonmaster
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« Reply #1 on: August 14, 2008, 10:05:07 PM »

The best line: "I need to take a shower." *Proceeds to bath in the creek*
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