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February 10, 2016, 05:16:43 PM
560737 Posts in 42888 Topics by 5555 Members
Latest Member: goodzilla Forum  |  Other Topics  |  Off Topic Discussion  |  The truly terrible joke thread « previous next »
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Author Topic: The truly terrible joke thread  (Read 66278 times)
El Misfit
The bullsh*t meter is up high ಠ__ಠ
B-Movie Kraken

Karma: 776
Posts: 10962

Hi there!

« Reply #555 on: September 07, 2015, 07:58:12 PM »

I held open the door for a clown. It was a nice jester

I had some food coloring, I think I dyed inside.

I don't fear condiments on my food, I relish it.

Dry erase board? That's remarkable!

yeah no.
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

Karma: 382
Posts: 2249

« Reply #556 on: September 12, 2015, 11:45:35 AM »

Bunch of insects are playing football. It's tied until at the last second the thousand-legger runs in for a touchdown. The crowd goes wild.

It takes twenty minutes for him to get off the field to the locker room. "Why you so late?" his coach asks.

"Sorry," said the thousand-legger, "I was in the bleachers giving my dad high fives."

In the past, the future.
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

Karma: 382
Posts: 2249

« Reply #557 on: September 16, 2015, 09:16:43 AM »

In honor of her dead body appearing in a tabloid this week, proving not even death can keep the woman out of the headlines, how about some assorted Joan Rivers' punchlines to remember her by?

"And only THEN did Truman Capote change the sheets...."

"The b***h wasn't brave, the b***h was lazy!"

"Not in my lifetime, Marty."

"Winnie the s**t."

"Roll them in baby powder and go for where it sticks."

"Because, stupid, unlike the others, Republican professors don't exist."

"Tracy Morgan! Oh...too soon? James Dean's car then..."

" 'Yeah,' the child molester said, 'and I have to walk out of her here alone.' "

"That audience was so goy, even the women had foreskins!"

"Worse than Anne Frank's dating choices!"

"Roger Ebert's a worse theater critic than Mrs. Lincoln."

"When she comes to dinner you don't have to slice the pizza!"

"They gave me an abandoned refrigerator to play in."

"Taking Helen Keller anywhere was the pits; she never shut up about the running water thing...."

Damn, she was great. Why did Obama have to murder her?

In the past, the future.
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

Karma: 382
Posts: 2249

« Reply #558 on: September 16, 2015, 09:24:12 AM »

And for the road, one I think Joan Rivers would have liked....

What did Bill Clinton say to Hillary to cheer her up? "Take heart, honey, they elected Nelson Mandela president after he got out of prison..."

In the past, the future.
Gene Worm
Guru of anything Kaiju, Half-Life geek, Kaiju Collector, and a
Bad Movie Lover

Karma: 30
Posts: 431

Just some enigmatic old flub.

« Reply #559 on: September 26, 2015, 01:47:47 PM »

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other:

"Does this taste funny to you?"

More than honored to be here, with the awesome community of

Need to know something kaiju-related? Ask me!

"Listen, you've got to get down below. There's something coming through, and it's the nastiest-looking thing, yet! Some of your buddies went down there awhile ago, and I haven't seen them since."

"I just got my ass kicked by Christmas cookies."

"You may have to rethink your strategies, gentlemen."

"Hahahahaheheheh.... Baretaka!!!"

"Omae wa shinde iku noda!!!"
Yes, it's true, absolutely true. I am a
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

Karma: 229
Posts: 2236

I'm sorry, did I break your concentration?

« Reply #560 on: October 01, 2015, 07:10:52 PM »

Two grandmothers who were next door neighbors till one moved to the other side of town run into each other at a restaurant one year after they were separated and have the following conversation.
Carol: So Evelyn what's going on with you?
Evelyn: Well you know my grandson Michael just got a full academic scholarship to MIT.
Carol: Fantastic.
Evelyn: And my son David got a promotion to CEO and a $100,000.00 bonus, so he's taking me to Jamaica with his family for the holidays.
Carol: Fantastic.
Evelyn: and my granddaughter Mary just married a doctor and the moved into a 10,000 square foot mansion.
Carol: Fantastic.
Evelyn: So what's been going on with you?
Carol: I've been seeing a therapist.
Evelyn: Why would you need to do that?
Carol: He's been improving my speech, now I say fantastic instead of BULLS**T!!

Science claims that hydrogen, because there is so much of it, is the building block of the universe, I dispute this, there is plenty more stupidity, and that is the building block of the universe.  Frank Zappa
The Cat Herder of Badmovies
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

Karma: 270
Posts: 3612

I'm a Mac...

« Reply #561 on: October 04, 2015, 10:57:18 PM »

What sort of hole does one bury a donkey in?

An a***ole!

God of making the characteristic which becomes dirty sends the hurricane.
Bad Movie Lover

Karma: 38
Posts: 238

southern fried weirdo

« Reply #562 on: October 12, 2015, 09:47:01 PM »

What do you call a black man on the moon?
An astronaut. Are you racist?
Crazy Rabbity Thingy
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

Karma: 416
Posts: 2523

Lagomorphs: menace or underutilized resource?

« Reply #563 on: October 13, 2015, 06:57:47 AM »

My daughter sent me this Skyrim-related one last night:

The best armor for sneaking around in is leather, because it's entirely made of hide.

"They tap dance not, neither do they fart." --Greensleeves, on the Fig Men of the Imagination, in "Twice Upon a Time."
Trevor T
South African Film Archivist & Troublemaker
B-Movie Kraken

Karma: 1073
Posts: 12842

« Reply #564 on: October 13, 2015, 07:39:16 AM »

Ever seen a reptile eating a pizza?

It's not only great, it's turtally awesome.  Wink

Tom Servo: [coughs] “You know, halfway through the dinner, my fillet got up and beat the hell out of my coffee and the coffee was too weak to defend itself.”
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

Karma: 487
Posts: 8023

« Reply #565 on: October 15, 2015, 07:49:16 AM »

"Old man is walkin' down the road, sees a young fellow looking under the bonnet of his car. Asks 'what's wrong?"
"Young fellow says, "ah, piston broke."
"Old may says 'That's just how I feel."

"Aggressivlly eccentric, and proud of it!"
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