Rated: Rated PG-13
Copyright 1987 New Century Entertainment
Submitted by Mike Roach
Glen – is his names and rockets are his game. After accidentally opening a Gate to hell, Glen, assisted by his best friend and his sister becomes the youngest demon hunter in American history. He is a naysayer, a worrier and always has something negative to say about the situation.
Terry - Glens best friend and a fairly ‘strange’ kid. He has learned that torturing animals and dancing with corpses will fill the void created after his mother’s death.
Al – or ‘Alexandra’ as she likes to be called, is Glen’s older sister and the main muscle of our rag tag group of tweenage demon hunters. She promised her parents that she would take care of Glen, Terry and the house and she always makes sure she keeps her promises.
Angus – Glens dog. He is 97 years old, which is about as old as a dog can get. He is on medications.
Lori Lee – One half of the Lee sisters (Ughh). She was the major inspiration for the ‘There’s Something About Mary bangs’.
Linda Lee – The other half of the Lee sisters (Ughhh). Neither Lori nor her sister Linda are very brave, but they did go to Sunday School which gives them inherent demon hunting abilities.
Eric – Al’s main love interest and professional corpse remover.
After dreaming about the love of his life, the Thunderbolt, a bottle rocket of unprecedented power, Glen woke up to discover a giant hole in the middle of his yard. Being the curious type, Glen decides to go check things out. During his investigation he finds a geode and decides to call his friend Terry over.
Terry decides to dig up the hole to see if there are anymore Geodes down there. You see, Terry knows for a fact that geodes are worth a large sum of money. He begins digging and discovers another Geode, one much bigger and therefore, worth more money then the one Glen had discovered earlier.
Al woke up this morning with an attitude and decided it would be a great time to throw out all her old Rockets. Glen admits to having some poor luck with the rockets lately and seeing those poor rockets in the trash his mind returns to the Thunderbolt, god what a rocket.
Meanwhile with the hole unsupervised, a couple dozen moths fly out into the world around them. Terry, being the disturbed kid he is, decides to catch a bunch of them and put them in a jar to see how long they can live without air. Later that evening Glens Dad explains to him that Terry, well Terry is a ‘strange’ kid. You see, Terry’s mom died and since then he has taken up listening to heavy metal music and gets his jollies by torturing animals. Glen’s parents then decide to go out of town on a business trip, leaving our kids to fend for themselves.
With her parents out of town, Al decides to forgo her new found responsibilities and have a party. As we all know there aint no party like an 80’s party, so the kids go wild! Angus gets into the beer, which I am sure, does not mix with his medications.
Meanwhile upstairs, Terry is trying to crack open the Geode. After many attempts, he finally gives up and decides it would be a good idea to go downstairs and party. Glen doesn’t think his sister will go for it and decides to take his frustration out on the Geode. After one strong hit the Geode bursts open releasing gas into the air. The gas writes a Latin message on their Quick Erase Board. Now I don’t know who can resist reading Latin words that magically appear out of nowhere out loud, but Glen sure can’t. After finishing the final word the hole in Glen’s backyard begins to smoke and the boys decide to try their luck down in the party.
Walking downstairs was probably a bad idea. The party took a real nose dive. All the cool people are gone and the only ones left are telling ghost stories. Plus there’s that nerdy girl who shows up at every party and tries to get people to play Seven Minutes in Heaven to make up for her lack of self-esteem. At this party she decides to get everybody to try to do the ‘Lift’. Glen just so happens to stumble by and they all decide to lift him. The nerd gets every body to concentrate and perform hand circle stimulation and low and behold it works! Even though the twenty or so kids at the party all witness Glen levitate up to the ceiling, they all decide that it was just an illusion and the lame party breaks up.
Later that night the moths return to get revenge for their suffocated brethren. They wake up Terry who decides its time to go to the bathroom. Terry must have gotten into some bad PCP or something because on his way back to the bathroom he runs into his dead mother and they dance for a bit. After the drugs wear off, Terry discovers he was actually dancing with a very dead Angus.
The next day Terry goes home and decides to rock out air guitar style to a metal album. You see, in the 80’s we didn’t have Guitar Hero, the true Guitar Heroes rocked it Air Guitar style. Through the metal lyrics, Terry figures that the band has extensive demonological knowledge. He realizes that he and Glen have inadvertently begun opening up a Gate to hell. The boys only had one step left, a sacrifice.
Eric at that same time had just buried Angus into the Gate. Sure Angus is a dog and dead but, I guess that is still… technically a sacrifice. Looks like the Gate is open now. Luckily, just like with the Beatles, playing the metal album backwards teaches you how to close the Gate. Unfortunately it’s too late. But Glen, Terry and Al don’t realize that so they decide to launch a Rocket to celebrate a job well done.
Terry then discovers that in order for the demons to establish their hell on earth they require two human sacrifices. Thank god they already closed the Gate… Later that evening the Lee sisters show up for a slumber party. Terry and Glen start messing around in the closet and stumble upon Glens dads shotgun. Terry, surprise surprise, is drawn to it like a moth to a flame. Glen also finds the Thunderbolt, mmm. The kids and the Lee sisters then exchange insults which would only be considered insulting back in the late 80’s. Then our team separates throughout the house.
With the Gate open and the kids asleep, the minions make their way inside. Terry, the sick son of a b***h he is had been sleeping with Angus’s corpse and before Al and Glen can say anything about it all hell breaks loose.
Terry decides they have to close the Gate right. Having attended Sunday school, the Lee sisters think that the Bible will work wonders at disappearing a pack a demons. After finishing all but one line of the prayer, Terry gets too close and falls into the Gate. Some minions greet Terry at the bottom and decide to have him for dinner.
Terry decides to get the hell out of there so he climbs up the hole while Glen continues to read from the bible. Once he’s out he bellows “I lost my shoe” gets frustrated and throws the bible into the Gate. After a humungous explosion the Gate is closed and the Demons are no more! Unfortunately, Terry’s shoe did not survive the ordeal.
The kids decide to watch some TV and ponder whether or not they can still sell the Geode they found earlier. Some creepy old man then flys through the wall, grabs Terry and pulls him through the Gate. Low and behold there’s one of the human sacrifices. The creepy old man has also been watching Al change through her mirror and comes flying out at her. Al nails him in the head with a boombox and he falls to the ground breaking into a bunch of minions. The minions then chase after her and while Al holds the door shut Glen runs into the hall closet to get their dads gun.
Terry, now taking on a more fitting form, sneaks from the shadows and bites Glen on the hand. Al then runs to the rescue, stabbing Terry in the eye with a Barbie doll causing him to release his grip on Glen.
With the door unattended, the Minions escape Al’s bedroom. Glen and Al lock themselves in the closet and attempt to load their dad’s gun. But alas, it is too late and the creepy old man comes out from behind the coats and with what can only be described as one of the worst sound clips in the history of movies, ‘sweeps’ the gun out of Al’s hands. He then grabs her and drags her through the Gate. Two of two sacrifices are now completed.
With his sister and best friend both sacrificed to the demons, Glens mind can only go to one thing, his dream rocket, the Thunderbolt! At the same time a giant Gate opens up in his living room floor. Glen runs upstairs and finds the Thunderbolt in his sister’s closet and attempts to launch it. Unfortunately, all he has are matches and all of the ‘evil air’ coming out of the Gate keeps putting out the flame. While Glen continues to try to light the Rocket, the big daddy of all demons comes out to enact hell on earth.
I think the big demon has been asleep for too long, or has forgotten how to be evil or something because all he does is look at Glen for a bit then grab him by the arm and put an eye in his hand. Either way, I was expecting more of a bad ass super demon. After balling for a little bit, Glen decides its time to step up and quit being such a Negative Nelly. He grabs the Thunderbolt to put an end to all of this!
Knowing that no mere match can launch the Thunderbolt, Glen grabs his Sur- Fire Launch kit. But… it won’t fire! Damn! it requires 2 D cell batteries! Good thing his flash light is right beside him with 2 D batteries in it. The super demon comes out just in time for Glen to have his rocket all set up. After one last demonic cry that sounds more like a kitten mewing, Glen fires the Thunderbolt right into his chest. The Thunderbolt blows up the super demon creating a spectacular fireworks display.
With the demon destroyed and hell on earth transformed more into a nice autumn day, Terry and Al are returned to Glen. Not only that but after all the desecration Angus’s corpse went through at the hands of Terry, he was actually just sleeping the whole time. Their house may be destroyed but our kids enjoy the beautiful sunny day not worrying about coming up with an excuse for when their parents get home. Our story ends with the rescue of Terry’s shoe. The demons didn’t accept it as a sacrifice and our surprise hero, the shoe is returned once more to Terry’s foot. It lives again so it may torture small animals once more. Watch your back Angus. Watch your back.
Things I Learned From This Movie
• Moths live less than 24 hours in a jar without air holes.
• Large Geodes are worth upwards of $100.
• Having your mother die on you makes you a sadistic animal torturer.
• Listening to European Metal is the Equivalent of getting a PhD in Demonology.
• Mom was right listening to metal will open a Gate to hell.
• Reading Latin words that magically appear out loud is never a good idea.
• Matches are terrible, The only way to be sure you can launch that demon killing rocket is with the patented Sur-Fire Rocket Launcher.
• When fighting demons always make sure you remember your 2 D cell batteries.
• The Thunderbolt is the only rocket that can kill demons, toss you to safety, clear a rainy day and create a spectacular fire works display all at the same time.
• Killing a demon will bring your pet back from the dead.
Stuff to Watch For
8 – Random Act of Violence against a Jar of Moths.
11 – This Terry character is starting to make sense.
15 – Random Act of Violence against a Geode
19 – There’s one at every party.
24 – Terry you are one sick son-of-a-b***h
27 – Again, Terry you Psycho!
40 – Damn it they should have gone with a deadbolt.
45 – Random Act of Violence against a Window
50 – Random Act of Violence against a Phone
58 – Shoe + Bible = Anti-Demon Grenade.
67 – So that’s the sound a gun makes when you ‘sweep’ it out of someone’s hand
71 – That’s it?
75 – That will screw up his Hand-Eye coordination
79 – that’s one powerful rocket
82 – And the shoe survives!
(Glen floats up to the ceiling and breaks the lamp).
Partygoer: Pfft. It was just an illusion.
Al: what’s under the door? Hey did you guys dig in that hole again?
Terry: We accidentally summoned demons who used to rule the universe to come and take over the world.
Glen: yeah we found out about it from one of Terry’s albums.
Al: what are you guys doing?
Linda Lee: probably fagging off.
Terry: What did you do to your face?
Lori Lee: None of your beeswax, four eyes.
Glen: I think it’s a definite improvement.
Lori Lee: Hey, eat your feet dwarf.
Glen: Suck my nose till my head caves in.
Terry: In the beginning god created the heaven and the earth. s**t! (throws a Bible at the Gate)