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« on: January 10, 2009, 09:46:13 PM »

Quote


Jaws: The Revenge
Rated PG-13
Skull
Copyright Universal Studios 1987
By: InformationGeek


THE CHARACTERS


Ellen Brody: Lorraine Gary!  She is the wife of Martin Brody who she believes died of fear from a shark.  She also has some sort of shark sense because she can somehow determine where the shark is and when it is attacking someone.

Michael Brody:  Ellen's son.  He is a marine biologist studying sea snails and who has a few too many close encounters with the shark.  He also has a wife and a daughter.

Jake:  That accent of his is really annoying.  He is Michael's assistant in their sea snail research and wants to research the shark after it attacks them.  He is eaten alive, dragged under water, and ends up surviving all of that.

Hoagie Newcombe: Michael Caine!  He's a pilot and is Ellen's love interest for the story.  He has the ability to keep his shirt dry when he is swimming the ocean.  He is a pilot and he might be a drug dealer, but we never find out.

Carla Brody:  She is Michael's wife and apparently some kind of artist who makes artwork using welding equipment.  It all looks like junk to me.

Thea Brody: Judith Barsi!  Michael and Carla's daughter who has a close encounter with the poorly made shark kind.  She has a couple of cute comments.

Sean Brody:  He was the Amity Police Deputy until he was eaten by the shark.  Why does he remind me of Michael J. Fox?

Shark: Where should I start here with this thing?  He looks completely fake, he has some kind of psychic powers so he knows where to find the Brody Family, he can roar, he can plant traps, and he can do many other things a normal shark can't do.   Whatever happened to having a realistic shark in this franchise?  He meets his end when he is stabbed by the bow of Michael's boat and blows up.


LESSONS LEARNED
+ Sharks can roar, despite having no vocal cords or lungs.
+ Sharks can swim 2,000 kilometers is less than 3 days.
+ Sharks are cunning and can make traps.
+ Sharks can leap out of the water to attack specific targets.
+ Sharks are attracted to electromagnetic pulses.
+ Sharks are explosive.
+ People can have flashbacks to past moments in time in which they weren't even there for.
+ After swimming in the ocean, sometimes a person's shirt or shorts won't get wet.


STUFF TO WATCH FOR
4 min – There's a picture of Sheriff Brody!
8 min – Despite the fact the shark didn't bite Sean, its mouth is already full of blood.
16 min – Hold it!  Look at that sign!  Why does it say ‘Ieep hands inside of rails’?
27 min – You know, I never thought sharks could get scars.
33 min – That shark's eye looks like the type of eye you would find on a teddy bear.
34 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A RESEARCH BARGE!
53 min – Part of the shark's dorsal fin isn't sown on right.
63 min – He has an injury?  When did he get injured during the last scene?
76 min – Wait a minute!!  Didn't he just swim in the water?  Why are his pants and shirt dry all of a sudden?!
81 min – Didn't the shark eat that thing already?
83 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST AN EXPLOSIVE SHARK!


NOTABLE QUOTES
Shark: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUU!

Michael Brody: Dad died of a heart attack!
Ellen Brody: No. He died from fear. Fear of that shark.

Hoagie Newcombe: I have an irresistible urge to kiss you, Ellen Brody.
Ellen Brody: Why?
Hoagie Newcombe: Because... it would not occur to you why.

Ellen Brody: I want you, to get out of the water.
Michael Brody: What?
Ellen Brody: I want you, to get out of that terrible job!
Michael Brody: C'mon Mom, you can't be serious.
Ellen Brody: Damn! I'm serious.

Hoagie Newcombe: Sharks come and go Ellen.  People have nothing to do with it.


THE PLOT

Oh boy… where do I start with this monstrosity that dares to be called a ‘film’.  I have been hearing for a long time now that this is the worst film of the Jaws franchise and said to be one of the worst films in history.  Of course, despite the fact that I heard all of these comments and read reviews about it, I decided to watch it.  Man, where did I go wrong with my life to want to watch and even buy this?  Yeah, I bought this film for 2 bucks which I'll never get back!

The movie opens up with a shark POV as the shark moves through the water of the harbor in Amity, while it occasionally pops up to the surface to get a view of the area.  Umm… I don't think this is the best approach for the shark if it is trying to be stealthy.  Wouldn't the fin pop out of the water as the shark looked above the water?  Well, I suppose it is dark out, but still…

Anyways, we cut from that to Ellen Brody and Sean Brody at home, while she prepares dinner during the Christmas season that is happening at the moment.  Sean is the Amity Police Deputy, Martin Brody passed away at some point or another, his other son Michael is in the Bahamas with his wife Carla and daughter Thea, and that's pretty much it.

After some Christmas shopping, Sean goes to the police station to check in and is given an assignment.  He has to remove a log that is blocking the channel and is caught on a buoy.  Also, no one else can do it besides him.  I don't think it is the job of a police officer to remove a log caught on a buoy, but what do I know?

So, he drives out to the buoy on the police boat to remove the annoying log.  Now that I see it, I wonder how it could possibly obstruct traffic in the bay.  Anyhow, as he starts to get the log out of the way, we see another POV shot from the shark as it monitors Sean.  I don't get it how the officer is missing the shark at this point.  From the shark's view, its fin would obviously be poking out of the water and it is close enough for Sean to see.  Then the shark jumps out of the water and takes a bite out of him.  He tries to scream for help, but carolers from the shore are drowning out his screams with their singing as the shark kills him.  Stupid carolers.

It also makes me curious how the shark even devised this plan to lure Sean out into the water.  How did he know he would even get Sean or how did he even get that log?  I don't know, I just kept watching the film and tried not to think about it.

After the police somehow found a body, even though the shark apparently ate him, a funeral is held for Sean.  This brings Michael Brody, his daughter, and wife up to visit Ellen and help her through this hard time.  Michael talks with his mom and she tells him that she believes the shark waited for Sean to attack him.  Ellen also says that the shark killed his father using “fear” instead of him dying from a more logical conclusion, a heart attack.  She then wants Michael to give up his job as a Marine Biologist and get away from the water.  Considering this incident, she wouldn't have to tell me twice, but no, Michael doesn't want to.  After the funeral, Ellen decides to go with Michael and his family back to their home in the Bahamas.  Aren't there more sharks in the Bahamas then where she is currently living?  I suppose that thought never crossed her mind.

So, we see the family on a plane as it approaches the island where they’ll be at.  A couple of different shots from inside and outside of the plane seem to show different weather conditions, but there'll be a lot more problems worst then this in the future.  The family then arrives at Michael's home and for one reason or another, Ellen goes for a swim.  Doesn't seem right does it after everything that has happen, huh?

Anyways, she is attacked by the shark then for a few days straight, because apparently the attack scene changes from day to night a couple of times during the attack.  However, this is all just a big dream.  Well duh!  The next day, Michael is back to work on his sea snails operation with his partner, Jake (Unrealistic Jamaican Accent Alert).  After a boring scene that involves snail tagging and a big argument & makeup between Michael and Jake, we find out that the poorly made looking shark that attacked Sean has followed them all the way from Amity Island to the Bahamas.  Also, Ellen senses the shark's presence out in the water.  How?  Maybe because her shark sense started tingling, you got me.

Ellen runs into Hoagie Newcombe who is a local.  Michael, who happens to be in the area, sees them together and gets upset.  Don't try to remember this thing Michael has against Hoagie, it is soon forgotten in the film.  Anyways, back out at sea, Michael, Jake, and their crew continue their thrilling research of sea snails.  As Jake swims under the water, the shark literally appears out of nowhere on his right.  I would say that shark is swimming next to him, but since the tail doesn't move, so I assume it is simply gliding along next to him.  Then the shark comes up to the surface and tries to take a bite out of Michael, who gets out of the way.  Also of note, Ellen's shark senses tingle as she somehow realizes the shark is attacking Michael.  Finally, after the shark has enough, it dives back beneath the sea in a pool of blood (Despite never killing anyone).

Jake resurfaces and insists Michael that they should refocus their efforts on researching the shark, which is cooler than the sea snails they are currently tagging.  Michael, who is out of it, tells him not to mention this to Ellen, despite the fact this is the kind of thing she would like to know.  Later, Jake takes Michael along on a hunt for the shark so he can tag him with his newly made transmitter.  Anyhow the shark shows up and we get another POV shark from its view.  Once again, I wonder how they missed the shark right away.  Anyhow, they tag the beast and it swims off.  We are also treated another boring scene between Ellen and Hoagie as their romance grows.  Like I care about romance in a horror or whatever type of film you would call this tragedy.

So, Michael and Jake search for the shark after tagging it, but lose it, while Ellen and Carla talk about Hoagie.  Will the shark kill someone already?  It's getting boring.  Then all of sudden, we get another pointless dream sequence, but this time it was for Michael.  The dream was pretty much a collection of shots from when Jake tagged the shark earlier.  Of course, Michael doesn't tell his wife about this dream or the shark for that matter.  It seems like it would be the type of thing you mention to your wife.

So, Michael and Jake head out the next day in the search of their sea snails once more, believing they lost the shark for good.  Michael scans the water below for his sea snails and Jake keeps an eye on the transmitter just in case the shark reappears.  You already probably guessed it and you're right, the shark returns and approaches Michael while not moving any part of its body.  So I again assume it is gliding through the water, but nope!  We see a mechanical arm moving the shark as it attacks Michael's sub.  So he leaves the safety of his sub, manages to out swim a shark, and makes it back safely to his barge.

The next day is some sort of dedication to a piece of art Carla made with her welding equipment.  Her work looks like junk to me, but then again, I'm not that artistically minded.  During this ceremony, Thea decides to ride in a banana boat with some friends and their mothers.  At this point, Ellen's shark sense starts tingling again and she spots the shark heading towards the boat.  The shark leaps out of the water and bites down on… I think a leg and drags a woman into water.  Interestingly enough, even though the shark bites down on one of the woman's legs, in the next scene it has both of her legs in its mouth and part of her hand, and then in another it scene, her left leg is out of its mouth.

Since with Thea's brush with death, you think it is time to move to the Midwest.  Nope!  Ellen decides to head out into the ocean to face the shark head on, stealing Michael's and Jake's boat in the process.  So, Michael, Jake, and Hoagie go after her in a plane to bring her back.  Ellen runs into the shark, just as the three guys spot her.  The guys land the plane in the water, out swim the shark to boat, and get ready to confront the shark.

Jake makes a machine that he hopes the shark will eat.  The thingy, once inside of the beast, is supposed to make the shark go crazy or something.  Really?  The thing looks like one of those big flashlights on a stick to me.  Jake stands on the tip of the bow of the boat with the stick ready to stick the thing in its mouth.  So, the shark then approaches them, jumps up, somehow bites down on Jake (While never making contact with him or the bow at one point), swallows him up to his shoulders, eats him, and dips below the water.  I assume this would be Jake's death, but…

So, somehow the boat starts sinking, even though the shark never took a bite out of it, and Hoagie wants everyone to do the logical thing by outrunning it while the boat is still afloat, but no, everyone wants to kill it.  Ellen has some flashbacks of Sean's death and of her husband shooting the first shark (though she wasn't there to see both of those things happen), and she steers the boat at the shark.  The shark roars and leaps at the boat, allowing Ellen to pierce it with the remaining part of the bow.  There must have been a box of TNT or explosives inside the shark that the bow hit, because the monster blows up upon being harpooned.  Somehow, the shock throws the people off the side of the boat and into the water, even though most of them were in the center of the boat.  Also, the boat blew up too, supplying me with more evidence that the shark had ate explosives earlier.

The next scene was obviously done in some sort of tank because I swear I could see that sky was obviously painted on in the background.  Anyhow, everyone is alive and they discover Jake is still alive too!!  I would like to mention there are also no teeth marks on his body, despite being bitten across the chest!  HOW?!  HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE AND HOW IS HE STILL ALIVE?!  Thankfully, Ellen flies back home and the movie ends.

This movie is the worst film I have ever witnessed before in my life.  The acting was subpar (Jake's accent didn't help either), though Michael Cane and Judith Barsi had some good moments.  The shark was laughably bad, the editing was a mess, some parts just didn't look right, the plot was just weird, and just the final scenes with the shark didn't make a lick of sense!  The only bright spot was the music; it was pretty good, though it wasn't enough.  Anyways, just look away from this film and watch something else that is so much better, like the original!
« Last Edit: September 26, 2009, 02:42:29 PM by Andrew » Logged

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« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2009, 07:52:54 AM »

Brilliant, brilliant review!  Thumbup You have covered all the awful errors within this abomination. As much as I hate all the characters, the concept and the fact that this carries the "JAWS" name, I still find it far more acceptable and enjoyable than Deep Blue Sea or all the Z-grade, CGI shark crapathons that are made each year. Jaws: The Revenge is another perfect example of studio suits flogging a story/franchise to death, milking it for all it's worth. But hey, if Lorraine Gary and Michael Caine are also hard up for cash... Lookingup
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« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2009, 01:23:10 PM »

And there was me think the shark died in the first one. And, y'know, therefore...couldn't get revenge...What with it being dead and everything...
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« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2009, 01:27:06 PM »

And there was me think the shark died in the first one. And, y'know, therefore...couldn't get revenge...What with it being dead and everything...

It was the shark's mother, then a different shark, then it's mother and so on and so on...
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« Reply #4 on: June 28, 2009, 04:16:16 PM »

I like to say that I have finally give this movie a much need proof reading.  It's been a couple of months since I actually edited this review to make it better to read, so I like to say that it is all finished now.  I've fix grammer and spelling mistakes, while editing some parts of the review in general.  I did all of this in honor of Shark Week, so I open you like this update for this review.
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« Reply #5 on: July 02, 2009, 01:00:41 PM »

I like to say that I have finally give this movie a much need proof reading.  It's been a couple of months since I actually edited this review to make it better to read, so I like to say that it is all finished now.  I've fix grammer and spelling mistakes, while editing some parts of the review in general.  I did all of this in honor of Shark Week, so I open you like this update for this review.

 Thumbup
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