The Rules Of Time Travel

I wrote this up a few years ago.

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Ever since H.G. Wells wrote "The Time Machine" back in 1895, people have been fascinated with the idea of time travel. The idea of going forward or backwards in time at an accelerated speed without facing any of the ravages which come with time is one many would love to do. Images of seeing how mankind advances in the future or visiting great historic figures of the past is the dream of many. Others would like to use it to stop themselves from making mistakes or prevent tragic events from happening. But what are the rules for time travel?
Writers has struggled to figure these out for more than a century to figure out the rules of time travel. Often they reach various conclusions regarding what they are. The worst part is the all seldom get the rules right. They often hit upon one or two of the rules however that is all. So here are the complete list of rules for time travel.
Remember that if it is not covered under these rules, then it did not happen or was prevented from happening so no rule was required. Like all rules, these can be broken but the results can be catastrophic.

1. Time Travel Can Be Used To Score With Oneself But Only If You Are Considered "Hot":
Who has thought about going back into time for a little auto homosexual action with oneself? I mean like who would tell and technically it can be considered masturbation. However ask yourself if the younger you is going to want to score with the older you? Would the 20 something you still find the 30, 40, or 50 something you still hot? If the answer is yes to these questions then you can use time travel to score a little familiar with yourself. You can experience self love in a whole new way. However if the answer is no to either of these questions, then you risk self destruction because you body's matter will destroy itself from both time periods. Only being considered hot in the future and the past will insure that you can not be destroyed.

2. Messing with Major Historical People Is OK But Avoid Killing Bugs:
Few understand how important insects are to history and seeing that time progresses properly. Were it not for insects, mankind would have never rose to their position on the planet. So avoid killing any insects of the past at all cost. How do you explain how Bush got reelected to office but the fact that someone accidentally stepped on an ant in South East Asia in 516 B.C. while visiting Confucius. So be careful of where you step in the past because one insecticide can result in major changes in the world. However, meeting famous historical figures, telling them of time travel, and even treating them like tourist attractions will not effect history what so ever. You can meet with Abraham Lincoln, kick Adolph Hitler in the balls, and turn Cleopatra on to cocaine without any harmful results to the time line.

3. Always Disguise Your Time Machine As Something That Won't Stand Out Like An RV Or Police Call Box:
Remember that things like rocks stick out like a sore thumb but no one will notice a RV back in the Stone Age. Nor will they think anything is wrong by seeing Police Call Box in the middle of a battlefield in Medieval Times. In fact it is well known that both have existed forever. When the planet was created, the first two items formed before the Earth's crust had completely cooled are RVs and Police Call Boxes. In fact man left the RV to move into caves as humanity progressed forward and were it not for Police Call Boxes, mankind would of never existed.

4. Kidnapping Historical Figures For Reports Is Fine:
You have a major history report that is at least half your grade for the term and need to ace it. Well just go grab a few back in time. Not one of them will remember being abducted by you and even your professor will know they are the real deal. You can insure a G.P.A. of 4.0 this way and not effect the entire time continuum at all. In fact by doing so will result in insuring you manage to start a whole new one world religion and government in your honor.

5. Exposure To Advance Technology Will Not Be Remembered By Those In The Past:
Unleashing a giant killer robot, exposing you have a holographic head, or even presenting a Walkman to people in the past will not affect the time line because no one will remember it. They will claim something else was the cause of any effects resulted from it. Why the Giant Robot Attack of 79 A.D. which destroyed Pompeii was blamed on Mount Vesuvius. So feel free to use all the advanced technology you want. You will find that Mozart really loves to listen to Usher on a IPOD.

6. You Can't Use Time Travel To Turn A Profit But Can Charge For Time Traveling Services:
You must never travel back in time for the purpose to make money. This is just wrong. You can not go back and buy up shares of IBM, GE, or Microsoft in order to be rich later. Nor can you go back to steal gold and such. However you can charge an arm and a leg to others by running tours of great moments in times. You can book tours for historical great disasters and such for a hefty fee.

Well, those are the rules. They are infutable. Obey them and you can enjoy time travel without any worries that the Time Police will be after you. Enjoy your time traveling experience and remember, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, protect the insects of the past.