JACKASS THE MOVIE
R
Paramount Pictures / Dickhouse Entertainment / Lynch Siderow Productions / MTV Films 2002
This review is dedicated to HappyGilmore and all the Jackass fans on this board.
THE CHARACTERSAs themselves (more or less)
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
BRANDON MARGERA
PRESTON LACY
RYAN DUNN
STEVEN GILCHRIST GLOVER
JASON “WEE MAN” ACUNA
DAVE ENGLAND
EHREN MCGHEHEY
JEFF TREMAINE
DIMITRY ELYASHKEVICH
PHIL MARGERA
APRIL MARGERA
MATT HOFFMAN
RICK KOSICK
TONY HAWK
LANCE BANGS
RIP TAYLOR
SPIKE JONZE
ERIC ‘BUTTERBEAN’ ESCH
HENRY ROLLINS
MICHELLE LYNN KLEPPER
LESSONS LEARNEDThe studio that released this, also released
The Godfather. Thank you, Paramount; you’ve made me an offer I can’t refuse.
Never get into a golf cart where Ryan Dunn is driving and Johnny Knoxville is holding the video camera.
Feeding an alligator with a chicken jammed in your bum is not on. It might be in but it is not on.
Travelling on a bouncy road in a Humvee driven by Henry Rollins is not the best place to tattoo someone.
Dressing up as a blue mouse and going in a mountain lion’s cage is usually a bad idea. Usually.
Tony Hawk needs a kick up the backside now and then.
Playing with an air horn on a golf course helps bursitis.
Shat is the past tense of sh*t.
The red thing next to the black lever puts the camera on a tripod.
Don’t be a member of the Jackass crew and attempt to rent a car in Portland, Oregon.
QUOTES Ryan Dunn: "The ball pinched my dick between the board and me!"
Rip Taylor: “And they call ME a jackass?”
Phil Margera: “Don’t leave, where the hell are you going?”
Johnny Knoxville: “That’s like a Courtney Love sized maxi-pad.”
Hardware store manager: “What an [expletive deleted] fruit loop!”
Johnny Knoxville: “I was barely halfway through the ceiling, you were already out the door!”
Lance Bangs: “I had to sit there while he shat!”
Convenience Store Guy: "What's going on here?"
Johnny Knoxville: “I fell and busted my ass, that’s what’s wrong!”
April Margera: “THAT is the scariest [expletive deleted] thing I have ever seen in my whole life!”
Brandon DiCamillo: “I, Sir Marcius will never pay you with cash, only with drugs!”
Johnny Knoxville: “Look at the bloody, s**tty underpants!”
Chris Raab: “I’m Raab Himself and I’m a complete [expletive deleted] idiot.”
Phil Margera: “Now you’re getting crazy on this sh*t!”
Johnny Knoxville: “This is the last time you’re kicking my ass!”
Clyde Singleton: “My impression of Johnny Knoxville: something like this, OWWW my face!”
Ryan Dunn: “Knoxville knocked my nuts in half!”
Johnny Knoxville: “He just shat everywhere!”
SteveO: “An ember fell right in my corn hole, dude.”
Phil Margera: “There’s sh*t all over: how am I going to go to work now?”
Johnny Knoxville: “I was Lon Chaney’s lover!”
Ryan Dunn: “Oh, Manny: tell me I’m a man?”
SteveO: “Yeah, I’ve been in there before, dude. It sucks.”
Johnny Knoxville: “Go grab the dead kitty!”
Chris Pontius: “I guess I don’t have any last words: I’m just gonna kill myself when I lose my wiener.”
Rake Yohn: “Dude, this is like worse than a hanging!”
Johnny Knoxville: “What about my intestines? Are they in that area?”
Doctor: “Maybe you stuck it up your ass?”
THE PLOTPlot? What plot? Just these:
OPENING CREDITS:O Fortuna by Carl Orff introduces the movie to us: the makers must have been having an orff day as the Jackass crew, rather than groceries are packed into a large shopping cart, sending it and its’ contents as Jimmy Cliff would say, “down de road to doom” or in the case, a fruit stand guarded by King Kong.
RENT A CAR CRASH UP DERBYJohnny goes to a Portland car rental dealership, rents a car fair and square and then demolishes it in a stock car race. Despite him returning the car written off and having declined any additional coverage, both he and the blow-up dolls aren’t liable for the damage, as he runs away, shouting “F you!” to the stunned dealers.
KNOCKING RYAN’S DUNN’S NUTS IN HALFIt’s bowling night in the Jackass universe and Bam is minus a ball. No worries: he just uses himself as one on a skateboard while Ryan Dunn gets “his nuts knocked in half” courtesy a well aimed ball from our Johnny. His later complaint is “The ball pinched my d*ck between the board and me!” This is very obviously not the crew from
The Big Lebowski, is it?
THE MUSCLE STIMULATORThe Jackass crew decide to get abs and t*ts of steel as they connect themselves, their cheeks, their teeth, their perineum’s and their
cojones ~ or, in Dave England’s case,
cojone ~ to a super powerful and hurtful muscle stimulator. The idea is never to smell a ‘gooch’ pad that has been near the family jewels and the pooper.
FATTY FALL DOWNPreston Lacy sits down, falls down and exposes his rear end to a shocked passerby who is almost immediately struck blind at the horror of the sight before him. All the man can do is gibber.
GOLF CART CAPERSOr how to wreck a miniature golf course, p*ss off a pig and sundry other animals and almost kill Johnny Knoxville. Lesson to be learned from this: Never let Ryan Dunn or Bam Margera anywhere near a golf cart.
PARTY BOY JAPANAfter peeing his pants three times en route to Japan, Party Boy and his ‘doof doof’ theme are let loose on the unsuspecting good people of Tokyo. Oh come on, computer of mine! How the heck can the word “peeing” make a verb confused? Maybe you’re confused by the word but I’m not.
WEE MAN NEEDS AN ASPIRINMr Acuna forgets that you use your hands to break boards, not your head. Boards……..don’t hit back but the headache does.
ALLIGATOR NIPPLE CRIPPLENever let a baby alligator bite your nipple: this is the result if you should choose to.
ALLIGATOR TIGHTROPEAfter training at a circus school and forgetting his cheetah thong, SteveO is forced to walk a wobbly tightrope above in heat alligators as penance. Never allow Bunny the Lifeguard to stick a chicken up your butt and feed an alligator like that. This is rumored to be the skit that caused the recent ‘chicken reworking’ scandal in South Africa.
FIREWORKS WAKEUPIf you’re Bam Margera, this is a how to to get your parents in the mood for……..NOT THAT but work.
DANGEROUS PENSIONERSThe old guys cause havoc in the city streets until their latex makeup starts to get too heavy.
THE SHOPLIFTER [LON CHANEY’S LOVER]
A very ancient Johnny robs a Hollywood liquor store as Lon Chaney’s lover and almost gets his ancient henie kicked into next week by the store owner, all of this filmed in glorious Shaky Cam®.
HARDWARE STORE POOWorking in the hardware store trade can be a crap business as Dave takes a dump in a display toilet and then walks out, leaving a bad impression and a bad smell behind him. Before this, he messed his pants in the team van, ruining everyone’s day and seriously upsetting Lance Bangs’ stomach. The state of his undies makes mine look good indeed.
CLIPPER CAM [OR HOW TO ANNOY BERNARD HERRMANN’S ESTATE]
Everyone gets a haircut courtesy of Bernard Herrmann’s
Psycho theme and a convenient camera nearby. Matt Hoffman wants to kill the cameraman and there is someone in the background wearing a lock around his neck: Master Kee, perhaps?
THE MOUSETRAP [NO DISRESPECT TO AGATHA CHRISTIE]
Danger Ehren sets himself up as a human mousetrap tester in his search for an enormous hunk……. Of cheese, that is. 13th Commandment: thou shalt never let a mousetrap near thy genitals.
THE BUNGEE WEDGIE [PUTTING TREVOR’S UNDIES TO GOOD USE]
Chris Raab announces to the world that this is who he is and this is what he is and uses my undies to jump from a tree branch, leaving everyone shuddering at the bloody, sh*tty underpants. You borrowed MY undies, Chris: those were there when you borrowed them; sorry that you had to wear them.
RIOT CONTROL TEST [OR HOW A TAIL CAN KNOCK YOU ON YOUR A$$]
George Hruska from ALS Technologies tries out a new rubber bullet on Johnny: leaving him with a huge bruise and something that looks like a miniature burrito under his skin. Lessons learnt: even doing a stunt under so-called “controlled conditions” can hurt like hell.
THE BIG CONE [OR HOW TO BACK UP AN ESCALATOR]
Trie-st thou in Pretoria what Wee Man trieth here in Japan, thou shalt get killed. Twice.
SPIKE JONZE’S LITTLE FREEWHEELMore or less what happens when your brakes go out on your motorized wheelchair.
ASS KICKED BY GIRL Lyan Dunn flom Westchester gets into a boxing ring with a Japanese lady while his bros forgot to tell him that she is a two time kickboxing champion. Having a superhero flying tattooed on your arm does not automatically turn you into one: the bloody, sh*tty mouthpiece proves that over and over.
TROPICAL POLE VAULTINGSteveO gatecrashes everything in Florida with his handy pole – NOOOOOO: not THAT pole!!!!!! – and even vaults into a surprisingly clean roadside river, leaving him with a serious infection.
WHAT IS LEFT OF “SEATTLE SKIMBOARDING”The result of not being able to clear a song for use in a movie.
NIGHT PANDASKungFu Panda and his brothers invade Japanese nightlife and cause havoc to the merry sounds of
Turning Japanese by The Vapors.
MR B MARGERA’S PROMISETo get his lovely Mom to say “Oh dearie me” before the end of this movie.
ROCKET SKATESProof positive – as if we needed any – that to try and do a roller skate stunt in a place where they have beer in vending machines and in a place where werewolves hide in parks is not a good idea.
ROLLER DISCO TRUCKPreston returns to his one time day job, Bam pukes en route to the venue and Paramount’s budget for this film does not run to allowing you to run lights and the smoke machine at the same time. The song for this segment makes me feel older than I am so that is not the way I like it, thank you KC and The Sunshine Band.
WASABI SNOOTERSCrazy
gaijin whitey snort wasabi through nose – where else? – and puke plenty on plate while person who closely resemble Jay K from
Jamiroquai look on.
A HALF-NAKED JAPANESE CITY CHASECourtesy WeeMan and Preston Lacy.
THE GONGMost dishonorable surprise for honorable Japanese people and nasty surprise for Rick Kosick who get diaper yanked down by Chris Pontius. Special musical appearance by Buck Owens.
I HATE MY CEILING FANSo I, SteveO, break the blade with my hand and land on my head?
BAM’S MOM SAYS [EXPLETIVE DELETED]
Basically what YOUR Mom would say and do if she came home and found an alligator in her kitchen. My mom wouldn’t: we only have crocodiles here in Africa.
WEEMAN CLIPPER CAMNot being nice to the little guy with the big heart and not nice barber.
THE HANDRAILJohnny tries to imitate the skateboard champion Rob [I can’t spell his surname correctly] by grinding a rail and ends up grinding his head on concrete, to the delight of Clyde Singleton and Eric Koston.
JACUZZIZe ass crack, eet does nozzing for your undies, monsieur Lacy. That beer doesn't help much either.
PAPER CUTSOw, ow, owww…. Way too many random acts of violence here to mention. Another moral: if someone hasn’t eaten meat for seventeen years, don’t give him a slice of pizza with pepperoni on it.
THE FORTUNE TELLERAKA serious abuse of the elderly.
SWEATY FAT [EXPLETIVE DELETED]S
Tony Hawk, Bam Margera and Matt Hoffman prove that doing skateboard stunts wrapped in bubble wrap in the heat of a Florida summer is not a good idea.
AGED DEAD LIFT…..and the weights nearly get Johnny Knoxville deaded.
DEPARTMENT STORE BOXINGJohnny Knoxville: 0 – Butterbean 1. Moral – don’t let a boxing champ let you punch him and don’t wear pink when you do let him let you punch him.
WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON HERE?Brandon DiCamillo attacks a convenience store: all in the name of chivalry, annoying someone who looks a lot like me and knocking bread off a shelf.
THE NEED TO GO RUB ONE OUT WITH STEVE AND CHRISWith a sea cucumber????
WHALE SHARK GUMMER WITH STEVE AND CHRISOr how to cause a species’ extinction by feeding them shrimp from your crotches.
TIDAL WAVE[AKA: Excuse to go to a Mexican whorehouse and how to rip your production company off]
ROALD DAHL’S THE WORLD’S DUMBEST TATTOOCourtesy of Steve0’s back.
OFF ROAD TATTOOHenry Rollins provides the chauffeur duties as SteveO gets a new tattoo and a HumVee owner gets a new insurance claim.
THE EHREN MCGHEHEY CLIPPERCAM SERIESJust have a #1 haircut, dude.
ASS ROCKETS IN JAPANHow to warm yourself up in Japan when you’re almost naked on a roof-top.
BMX TUG OF WARHow not to remove a big guy from his comfortable sofa and cactus thorns from your rear end. It is 'cacti', not 'cactuses'.
OLD GUY STOPS TRAFFICSpike Jonze takes us where the wild things are.
THE YELLOW SNO-CONEI prefer pink colouring and vanilla flavouring, thank you.
THE OUTDATED TSHIRTThat lets WeeMan kick himself in the head for not changing it for a newer one.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH’S TOILET NATURE FOOTAGEBam asks “Now what ass?” after kicking his Dad’s.
GOLF COURSE AIRHORNHow to put the “Tiger” in gentlemen using their “Woods”. What I learned: playing with an air horn cures bursitis.
THE MOUNTAIN LION B*TCHSLAPPlease tell Chris Pontius that dressing up in a blue mouse costume and angering a mountain lion is usually a bad idea. Usually.
THE BURGLARSOtherwise known as the rubbish riffifi of bad continuity errors.
THE BUTT X-RAYA sympathetic doctor assists the poor fraternity brother Ryan Dunn who allegedly fell down, hurt something and now has a blue toy car jammed up his rear end.
END CREDITSAll the stuff not quite gross enough for the film.
SON OF JACKASSFlash forward a few years and the slightly older Jackass crew are still around: a little slower perhaps but still prepared to die in horrible ways for their art – all except SteveO, that is.
After watching this and attempting to review it, I suddenly discovered how hard it is to review a film which doesn’t have a script of any kind but is instead a depiction of pain, more pain, pee, puke and poo. And then some more pain and a lot of laughs. That is why I have no indication of what happens where and when as the words RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE would be in almost every line.
RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE ALL WORK AND NO CLEAN UNDERPANTS MAKES TREVOR A DULL AND STINKY BOY RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE FANTASIES ABOUT ANNE HATHAWAY SORRY INDY RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE NAUGHTY THOUGHTS ABOUT CASSANDRA PETERSON SO DOGGETT OF THE FBI ARRESTS ME RANDOM ACT OF…………..
There, you see?
Johnny Knoxville and the entire Jackass crew: God bless you all and I mean that very sincerely.
I have bipolar disorder amongst many other things wrong with me but the mental and physical pain I feel goes away when I laugh at your crazy stunts and I find myself thinking “Could I or dare I do that?” The answer is always no way in hell would I do that, but again, God bless the lot of you for making me laugh the way you do. My first 3D film was
Jackass 3D and even the fact that I thought I was covered in poo, puke and pee when I left the cinema didn’t stop me laughing. I went straight to the toilet to check for any possible residue but I smiled all the way home, despite getting a little misty-eyed during the credits of that film when I thought they were saying goodbye, hearing and seeing them singing the Weezer song
Memories and reminiscing about the freaky Dutch kids who puke and then do the nasty. [Thanks, HappyGilmore]
My only fear for the Jackass crew has always been that someone will get seriously hurt or worse doing a stunt but this has thankfully never happened, apart from a few knockouts and more than a few bruised testicles and sundry other body parts. It is my sincere wish that this madcap bunch go on doing this forever as I seem to like seeing things like people snorting wasabi, people having the sh*t scared out of them by a huge guy wearing a diaper and pounding a gong and over-serious golfers getting put off their strokes (and almost having them) by some idiots playing with air horns because they have bursitis.
My doctor, as nice as she is, however would never treat Ryan Dunn the same kind way he was treated by the Cuban doctor in this film ~ she would tell him to go shove a real car up his rear end and
then she would call that an emergency.
