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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Movies  |  Bad Movies  |  How stupid can one movie be in only five minutes? « previous next »
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Author Topic: How stupid can one movie be in only five minutes?  (Read 1900 times)
akiratubo
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« on: June 20, 2009, 09:06:14 PM »

Hellgate (1989)

The credits play over a biker gang riding around.  There are three bikes and four bikers (a bear and his cub are riding double).  Remember that.

The gang walks into a rural diner and chases away all the customers.  They commandeer the table of an older fellow and start eating his food.  The waitress responds by ... taking their order?

A teen girl walks in and asks the waitress, "Do you have that apple pie ready that I ordered for my Daddy?"  Oh, my, see how SWEET and WHOLESOME that girl is.  It would be so TRAGIC if someone so SWEET and WHOLESOME, who goes to diners to pick up APPLE PIES for her DADDY, were abducted, raped, and murdered by a biker gang.  She even asks for pennies for the gumball machine.  Gee, how SWEET and WHOLESOME.

So, the bikers are about to gang rape the SWEET, WHOLESOME girl.  The diner's cook comes out armed with a double barrel shotgun.  What does he do?  He unloads both barrels on one of his tables.  He wastes both rounds, destroying his own property in the process.  He sure showed those bikers.

The bikers run away in terror, even though the guy's gun is now unloaded and he obviously has no more shells on him.  The old man they were harassing runs out with them.  There is suddenly a fourth bike outside for him and he rides off with them.

As the bikers ride away, the girl calls out to her boyfriend, who is gassing up his car a few feet away.  The guy's entire reaction?  He watches the bikers drive off and says, "Rotten creeps."

By the way, the girl is not being restrained in any way.  She's actually holding onto the bike so she won't fall off.  She could easily have jumped off the bike before they left the parking lot and suffered no more than a few scrapes.

Incredibly stupid, right?

But, ah ha!  It turns out this was all just an urban legend being told by some other characters!  You can't make fun of the movie because it's being told by an unreliable narrator!  It has an airtight excuse to suck and not make any sense!  The filmmakers are brilliant!  Brilliant, I tell you!

So, I hit stop and have no intention of ever watching any more of Hellgate.  It's about the same as all those self-satisfied "post modern" horror movies that came out after Scream, i.e. your standard s**tty horror movie with bad jokes thrown in so you know it was "supposed" to be that way.   For the record, I think this slightly edges out Ella Enchanted as the movie I quit watching the fastest.
« Last Edit: June 20, 2009, 09:10:26 PM by akiratubo » Logged

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« Reply #1 on: June 21, 2009, 08:53:47 PM »

The title of this topic brought back bad memories of Empire of the Ants when everyone was running away from the ants in the rain.  It was surely incredible how stupid and dumb people were when they fell to the ground and actually didn't get back up to run away from the ants or at least drag themselves.  Very stupid.

But on what you said, you're right.  That was pretty stupid.
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Paquita
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« Reply #2 on: June 21, 2009, 09:18:40 PM »

I think I remember watching this.  Hellgate is the name of the town, right?  I was sure the guy that played the girl's dad was the same guy that played Gomez Addams, but I was wrong.
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