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August 29, 2015, 01:10:47 AM
553443 Posts in 42180 Topics by 5415 Members
Latest Member: KurtYud185
Badmovies.org Forum  |  Other Topics  |  Off Topic Discussion  |  The truly terrible joke thread « previous next »
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Author Topic: The truly terrible joke thread  (Read 60561 times)
Trevor
Chief South African Troublemaker at Badmovies.org
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« Reply #540 on: July 17, 2015, 07:50:14 AM »




 TeddyR TeddyR

Well, begorrah! I always thought I was African, now I see I'm Irish.  Cheers
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I used to say I live my life a quarter mile at a time and I think that's why we were brothers - because you did too. No matter where you are, whether it's a quarter mile away or half way across the world, you'll always be with me. And you'll always be my brother.
El Misfit
The bullsh*t meter is up high ಠ__ಠ
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Hi there!


« Reply #541 on: July 19, 2015, 08:18:47 PM »

Diarrhea is heredity, as it runs in your jeans.
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yeah no.
diamondwaspvenom
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« Reply #542 on: July 20, 2015, 03:25:01 PM »

What do you call a bassist who plays with a distorted tone?

A lazy guitarist.

What do you throw a drowning bassist?

His amp.

What's the difference between pizza and a bassist?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

There were two people walking down the street. One was a bassist, the other didn't have any money either.

Did you hear about the bass player who was so depressed about his bad timing that he threw himself behind the train?

Why are there four strings on a bass?

Three are spares.
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retrorussell
Clouseau! Hmhmhmhmm!!! (twitch)
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You said "Minkey"!


« Reply #543 on: August 09, 2015, 11:37:02 PM »

Dad comes home from a hunting trip and cooks deer for the family.
"What is it?" the son asks when he puts it on the table.
"I'll give you a hint.. it's something your mom calls me."
The son yells, "Don't eat it; it's an a**hole!!!".
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HBO in space!<br />
sprite75
The Cat Herder of Badmovies
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I'm a Mac...


« Reply #544 on: August 10, 2015, 05:20:31 PM »

One day after services a visitor to a parish stopped to talk to the priest as he was leaving.  He said, "Father that was a damn good homily!"

"Thank you my son," the priest replied, "but there is no reason to swear in God's house."

"But father, that was one godd**n good homily," the visitor replied.

The priest replied, "I must ask you my son not to swear in God's house."

"Ok," the visitor said.  "But I was so impressed with the excellent homily you gave I put a check for $10,000 in the collection basket!"

"No s**t?" the priest then said.
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God of making the characteristic which becomes dirty sends the hurricane.
bob
I survived Bucky Larson
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Torgo watches you masterbate!


« Reply #545 on: August 10, 2015, 10:37:36 PM »

What do two snails do when they fight?

They slug it out.
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Kubrick, Nolan, Hitchcock, Tarantino, Wan - the elite



I believe in the international communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.
Dark Alex
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« Reply #546 on: August 11, 2015, 02:35:18 AM »

A family called the Hills win first prize in a competition for a tour round Europe. There is mummy Hill, daddy Hill and little baby Hill. Eventually their trip takes them to Transylvania where on a dark and stormy night the car breaks down. "No problem", explains daddy Hill, "I saw a castle a few miles back, we can just hike back to it and see if they have a phone."

So mummy Hill, daddy Hill and little baby Hill head back to the dark castle and knock on the door. It is answered by an elderly aristocratic man who on hearing their problems tells them while he has no phone, they are welcome to come in and stay the night. The Hills gratefully accept and when their host invites them down for a meal they meet him in the castles great hall. A veritable feast is laid out for them, but they don't notice their host doesn't eat any. With some stangled noise ack noises the Hills fall down dead, poisoned.

With an evil chuckle, their vampiric host runs over and drinks blood from the three of them, then goes over to play on his organ. Cackling maniacally as he plays 'O Fortuna', he doesn't hear or realise someone is moving behind him, until a broken off chair leg is shoved into his back, impaling his heart. As he falls off his stool, he see's the Hills standing behind him and gasps "But.... how..? I poisoned you and drained your blood!"

Daddy Hill spreads his arms wide and says "The Hills are alive with the sound of music."

My geography teacher told me that joke when I was 12. 29 years later I still haven't forgiven him.
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Having listened to your problems, I have decided I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
ER
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« Reply #547 on: August 21, 2015, 08:21:00 AM »

Two pastors were taking a summertime canoe trip together, when their canoe tipped over and they were dunked into the lake.

They managed to swim to shore and stripped off their clothes and hung them to dry on some nearby branches.

But no sooner were they in their birthday suits, however, than Silver Sisters Hiking Club, composed of elderly women from both their congregations, came walking by.

Chagrined,  the two pastors took off running naked into the woods. One pastor covered his privates, the other his face, fleeing the shrieks, gasps and (shamefully enough) wolf whistles from the gawking seniors.

When they were safely concealed in the forest, the pastor who had hidden his privates asked his friend why he'd hidden his face.

"Well," said that minister, "I don't know what's going on over at your church, but where I come from it's my face that I'm known by!"
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Seeking Tir a 'nOg since 1978.
retrorussell
Clouseau! Hmhmhmhmm!!! (twitch)
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You said "Minkey"!


« Reply #548 on: August 22, 2015, 02:24:56 PM »

2 deceased women meet in heaven.

The first asks the second, "How did you die?"

The 2nd replies, "I froze to death.  You?"

The 1st says, "Heart attack.  I suspected my husband of cheating and ran all over the house looking for the other woman.  I checked the attic, all the closets, under all the beds-- nothing!  Finally, when I got to the den, I saw my husband just sitting in his easy chair watching tv, so he must not have cheated after all.  I collapsed and died, so here I am."

The 2nd says, "Well, if you'd checked the freezer, we'd both be alive right now!"
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HBO in space!<br />
bob
I survived Bucky Larson
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Torgo watches you masterbate!


« Reply #549 on: August 22, 2015, 07:59:20 PM »

What did the baby computer call it's father?

Data
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Kubrick, Nolan, Hitchcock, Tarantino, Wan - the elite



I believe in the international communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.
Trevor
Chief South African Troublemaker at Badmovies.org
B-Movie Kraken
*****

Karma: 1018
Posts: 12324



WWW
« Reply #550 on: August 24, 2015, 05:01:03 AM »

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's very time-consuming.  Wink Twirling
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I used to say I live my life a quarter mile at a time and I think that's why we were brothers - because you did too. No matter where you are, whether it's a quarter mile away or half way across the world, you'll always be with me. And you'll always be my brother.
sprite75
The Cat Herder of Badmovies
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 247
Posts: 3124


I'm a Mac...


« Reply #551 on: August 26, 2015, 04:49:57 PM »

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "p**s off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
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God of making the characteristic which becomes dirty sends the hurricane.
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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Other Topics  |  Off Topic Discussion  |  The truly terrible joke thread « previous next »
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