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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Information Exchange  |  Movie Reviews  |  Submitted Reader Reviews  |  Five Across the Eyes (2006) « previous next »
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Author Topic: Five Across the Eyes (2006)  (Read 2346 times)
PeanutButterBlood
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All I can say is that my life is pretty plain.


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« on: July 14, 2009, 11:52:25 PM »

Feedback would really be appreciated!

I also posted it on my blog (it has pictures! and a trailer!): http://pinklemonade17.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!ED69F12F0D37A420!2712.entry

Five Across The Eyes
Rated: Unrated
half  a slime
Copyright Company and Date: Trauma One Entertainment 2006
Submitted by Astrid Jakobs



THE CHARACTERS

Isabella - She's really anal.  All she does is b***h and whine.  She's also the driver of the van and is carrying around her dad's ashes in an urn with her.

Amy - The sporty hot girl.  She doesn't know how to use band-aids.

Caroline - She gets violated by the crazy woman.  She really starts to lose her s**t by the end of the film.

Stephanie - She may or may not be Caroline's sister.  She's religious.   She gets kidnapped and possibly violated by the crazy woman.

Melanie - She's Asian and kind of geek.  Sometimes I get her confused with Caroline.

Crazy Woman - She's probably schizophrenic and off her meds.  She spends most of the movie chasing the other girls in a truck.

As you can tell, the characters don't really give us much to work with.  Hence the shallow descriptions.


THE PLOT

This movie takes places entirely in real time.  The film starts out at 10:37 pm with five teenage girls driving home through a back-woods area of Tennessee called "The Eyes" (get it? Five Across the Eyes? Ha!).  The girls are low on gas and hopelessly lost, so they pull into a spooky gas station.  While playing a practical joke on one of their friends, they accidentally hit a truck.  Isabella really wants to get home by curfew, so they all decide to just drive off.

Bad move! The driver of the truck starts following them.  She has one missing headlight.  Is this supposed to represent the missing headlights out of the driver's mind? Is this an actual attempt at symbolic foreshadowing?  In any case, once the woman has them cornered in a dead end, it becomes painfully obvious that the woman's got a few issues.  She makes the girls strip and pee all over their clothes while threatening them with a rifle.  Endless screeching ensues.  I understand that this is "realism", but enough is enough.  If these girls don't shut up and quick, I'll take my rifle and shoot them all myself.  And then suddenly, the crazy woman just takes off in her truck.  The girls retreat into a tolerable quiet sobbing and we even get a quick shot of Jamie's awesome tits.  It is now 10:53 pm.  The girls are all going to miss curfew!

The peace doesn't last long as the crazy woman starts chasing the girls in their van with her truck again.  The girls start throwing things at her car from the back of the van and Caroline even throws her poo on the windshield, which stops the crazy woman in her tracks.  No matter how crazy one appears to be, s**t will always disgust people.  However, as the girls are driving away, heading back for the spooky gas station, there is brush in the middle of the road blocking their escape!  The crazy woman comes back and this time the girls run her down with their van.  I actually thought the movie might be over, but I was wrong.  The girls are now out of gas.  Instead of taking the obvious route and using the presumably dead crazy woman's truck, they're going to hide.

It's clear that these girls must have done something awful in their past lives because they seem to have the worst luck.  It turns out the crazy woman is still alive and now she's super p**sed.  Yeah, getting run over will do that to a person.  Not only did she survive, she seems to have no real injuries.  She fires off her rifle and the girls start screaming and running every-which-way.  I lost track of what was going on as the camera work is pretty terrible.

Jamie returns to the abandoned van by herself and proceeds to plaster her entire face with band-aids.  Just as Jamie is calming down, there are more gunshots and screams.  The crazy woman has chased Caroline back to the van.  Some inappropriate-for-the-situation disco music starts up while Caroline is getting the crap beaten out of her with a hammer and pliers.  This beating takes place off camera, so we're spared from seeing what kind of unpleasantry takes place when the crazy woman gets her hands on a screwdriver.  Stephanie comes ambling back to the van and ends up getting kidnapped by the woman and is for the time being presumed dead.  One down, four to go.

All the remaining girls end up finding one another again and a big fight follows.  It actually seems like the writers were trying to do some character development here.  The key word being "trying" because I don't actually learn anything more useful about these characters to make me care what happens to them.  The remaining girls come across the crazy woman's truck and neither she nor Steph are anywhere to be seen.  But when the girls open the trunk, they find an entire dead family of three in there.  This is where Caroline starts to lose it.  The situation is not helped by the return of the psycho firing off her rifle.  Jamie ends up getting shot in the arm.  Luckily the girls syphoned some gas, so they are able to drive again.  Suddenly, Stephanie is back! She's not dead after all!

The girls are driving off again.  But this time, they have a flat tire!  They end up near a cave, where the crazy woman gets a hold of Isabella and starts doing some horrible things.  Due to shoddy camera work, I completely lose sight of what's going on.  All I know is that one of the girls has lost a finger.  The girls end up getting the upper hand on the woman somehow and stab her to death with a screwdriver.  They then set her corpse on fire.

It is now 12:02 am.  The girls drive back to the spooky gas station to find that the crazy woman has killed all the people there too.

What a night.  And they're not even that late for curfew!
 

LESSONS LEARNED

-It's possible to survive getting hit full on frontal impact with a van without any real injuries.
-Never EVER hit and run.
-To get someone to stop following you, throw actual s**t on their windshield.  That'll learn 'em.
-Electronica music doesn't really work for horror movies.


STUFF TO WATCH FOR

18 min - Great tits!
21 min - It's 10:53.  Really? Is curfew really such a priority?
38 min - Is that snot?
42 min - Enough band-aids there, Jamie?
45 min - What is with all the disco music?
84 min - You know, there is such thing a over-kill.


NOTABLE QUOTES

"Seatbelt! Saves lives!" - Crazy woman.

"Don't mess up my mom's van." -Isabella, first and last lines of the film.

"The taste of blood and broken teeth isn't that bad." - Caroline.

"Don't wear that.  There's throw-up and pee on it." - Melanie or maybe Caroline.
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PeanutButterBlood
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All I can say is that my life is pretty plain.


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« Reply #1 on: July 15, 2009, 12:44:56 AM »

oops..I just realized the character that I listed as Amy is actually named Jamie.
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