In time for Halloween, a little tale of mine I like to call...
Opening shot of a cemetery in Kansas, close-ups of headstones being hit by falling hail. Thunder, lighting, oh, no a massive EF-5 funnel spins down, scoops the earth up off the graveyard, sucking bodies out of coffins. Weird forks of blue lightning flare around the bodies, which begin to moan and mutter “BRAIIIINNZZZZ!!!”
Shot of a recently-dead blond woman buried in her wedding dress sailing by the camera, which seems to pan into her gaping, hissing mouth as the screen goes black.
Roll Opening Credits.
Fade in to scene in a small Kansas town. The Sheriff, Liam Neeson, is directing traffic as kids in his placid Midwestern berg leave school on a picture-perfect October afternoon. The town football star, Corbin Bleu, exchanges pleasantries with the sheriff, talking about the upcoming Homecoming game, and what the quarterback’s date, who happens to be the sheriff’s daughter, played by Vanessa Hudgens, will wear.
A passing dumb jock football buddy makes a joke about Bleu’s strategy for getting Hudgens out of her attire on Homecoming night. Ever the loving father, the Sheriff knees the wisecracking dumb jock good-naturedly in the crotch and laughingly sends him limping on his way with a pat on the shoulder and a call of, “Oh, you silly kids these days!’
Corbin Blue scolds his friend, saying, “You know since his wife died last year the Sheriff’s gotten real protective of his daughter.”
“Yeah,” the dumb jock throws out, “I wish somebody would just eat that guy’s face.”
In the cruiser the radio crackles. A freak storm has arisen to the southwest. Might be bad weather rolling in. Also there was an odd 911 call one town to the west. Something about flying zombies devouring brains. Sheriff shakes his head and asks the dispatcher if he needs to go to ‘a meeting’.
Close-up of the rumbling twister roaring across the prairie, hundreds of writhing, starving undead swirling inside, hands clawing at anything within reach: snatching cows up out of pastures, grabbing birds in mid-flight, clutching cluelessly grazing sheep. A man in a bass boat, Danny DeVito, gets eviscerated by the relentless teeth of the trapped zombies inside the unnatural cyclone. Within seconds he too is flying skyward, his skin green, a close-up of his mouth shows his purple lips forming his sole thought: BRAIIINZ!!!
Meanwhile a worse for wear 1980s Trans-AM with a bumper sticker that reads “WE DO IT IN STORMS!!!” is speeding down the road toward the pitch black horizon. In the front seat the halter top and short-short-wearing “Twister Twins” one-time basic cable darlings, now living in a trailer park, have grabbed their camcorders and driven straight for the heart of the tempest. “This is great!” one Twister Twin (Michelle Williams) shouts to the other (Shannon Daughtery), “We’ll be back storm chasing on basic cable faster than you drop trou for a rich guy!”
“Yeah, well,” Daughtery throws back, “at least EYE only date guys who can hold their prescription drugs…”
(Shot of a zombie who looks a lot like Heath Ledger zooming through the maelstrom.)
The Twister Twins park beside the highway, leap out, and begin excitedly to film.
Shot of Zombie-Nado getting closer and closer until it fills the screen.
“I’m not sure this is an ordinary tornado!” Michelle Williams gasps.
“No, no, it’s great!’ Daughtery argues. “Lookit, it’s even got people sucked up in it! This is awwwwesome!”
“Those…those aren’t…people…” Michelle Williams stutters, backing away.
Just then from above a zombie spins out of the main cloud a quarter-mile away and lands on Shannon Daughtery, biting through the top of her skull. “Dylan!” she shouts a random name from her past as her dying synapses fire wildly back to her youth.
Michelle Williams runs for her life as more undead flip from the sky and surround her. She is overcome in her tracks as the zombies feast with loud smacking noises, only to be joined at the last second by Shannon Daughtery, now herself one of their loathsome number. The last we see is Michelle Williams’ legs kicking frantically as the insatiable undead pile atop her and slake their hellish thirst for bodily fluids.
Back in town the sheriff is overwhelmed. He’s getting one report after another over 911.
“Zombies ate my grandma!”
“Zombies ate my dog!”
“Zombies ate my ex-wife…which would be a good thing except they also ate my leg!”
“Quickly, there’s no time!” Neeson shouts to his deputy. “Call in a warning to Homeland Security for a possible Plan 9 Level Scenario!”
“Not Plan 9!” says an awed deputy.
“Yes,” Neeson says with a sigh of resignation, “the Zombie-Nado protocol…”
Cut to scene of Brad Pitt taking a shower. Camera shows his butt, a hint of side-wiener. He leaves shower to answer his ringing phone.
“This is Agent Scully,” a voice (Gillian Anderson) declares. “Agent Dudeovitch, I know you walked off the job swearing never to take another mission after what happened in Jerusalem, but a sheriff in Kansas has just issued a call for a possible Plan 9 Level Scenario.”
“Oh my gawd,” Pitt seethes. “Is it…?”
“A Zombie-Nado,” Agent Scully confirms. “And it’s already killed at least 60 people.”
With a frown Brad Pitt runs his fingers through his hair and says, “OK, I’ll do it.”
Scully tells him, “I knew you would. There’s already a chopper waiting outside.”
Shots of the Zombie-Nado at its most ferocious, tossing lifeless bodies of its victims in its swirling wake. Close-up shot of a sleazy pawn shop owner, Michael Madsen, getting his face gnawed off by his own zombiefied girlfriend, Tara Reid, sporting a full afterlife wardrobe malfunction.
Down the block the town’s erstwhile prom king, Justin Timberlake, leaves the basement storm cellar and rushes to save his girlfriend’s, Britney Spears, cat from the descending funnel of un-death, when his first-grade teacher blows down from above, still clad in the pristine black habit that had been her funeral shroud.
“Ssster Agnes?” A disbelieving Timberlake exclaims, just before the years-dead nun neatly bites half his face off while humming “Cry Me A River”.
“Help, ya’ll!” Britney Spears screams as the twister sucks her up into the vortex, where undead burrow into her torso, jaws flashing.
The storm hits in all its fury. The undead sweep the land like locusts. Whole families are lost. Some make their stand, improvised nail-guns and flame throwers doling out the surest cure for zombie-itis. We see a school implode in the deadly wind. We watch a gas station explode in a mushroom cloud. In one shot the pavement on a highway is lifted from the ground, a chunk of asphalt decapitating one of the undead, whose head still snaps its jaws even as it flies bodiless in the wind.
Through all this Sheriff Neeson bravely rescues many, leaping over cars, crawling into the sewer, firing again and again and re-loading until he is out of bullets. Overhead the Zombie-Nado roars, its debris field blocking everything from sight except the unending mass of airborne zombies lashing out madly, their unnatural hunger for nourishing brains infinite. Neeson narrowly avoids a ghastly demise many times, kicking the jaw right off the re-animated corpse of Honey Boo-Boo.
Finally, battered and exhausted, we see Neeson staring upward into the roiling clouds. A look of blank horror decorates his visage. “It can’t be her!!!!” he gasps, seeing his late wife, played by Meg Ryan, flying toward him, her necrotic nude body barely held together by corded tissues, her breasts flapping like flags in the storm’s gust-surge. “Not her! That’s too cruel. Too cruel!” Neeson bellows as his wife sails into him, and the scene ends in a burst of wind that seems to drive everyone and everything before it in a blur of random debris.
Hours pass in fast motion. Night comes on. Scene of the small town flattened by the merciless Zombie-Nado. Trees uprooted, roofs ripped off, houses smeared like Lego blocks, cars twisted into ropes of metal, gas pipes jutting flame, the undead wandering at will. In the midst of this chaos Brad Pitt, dressed in urban camo lands in a Black helicopter, leaps out and strides over to Neeson, whose back is turned to the camera.
“You the guy that issued a possible Plan 9?” he demands tersely, clearly wishing this assignment was behind him.
Neeson does not answer.
“Sheriff, I asked you a….?” Pitt demands, just as Neeson whips around and hisses, his face a bottled battleground of blue-black-green flesh, his eyes pure white orbs that still somehow see through their blindness, the remains of prom king Corbin Bleu hanging from his reddened jaws.
With a lunge he knocks Pitt to the ground. The pair struggle, rolling around, jaws snapping, fists flying.
“BRAIIINZ!” Neeson roars.
“Fight Club!” Pitt counters.
Finally Pitt manages to get a revolver from his holster and plants five slugs between the Irishman’s eyes. Neeson collapses atop Pitt, covering him with black zombie goo. “Not black zombie goo!” Pitt cries. “that’s the most contagious substance known to medical science!”
On the radio on his hip we hear Scully call out, “Are you there? Come in, Special Agent Dudeovitch! The storm has now spread and three-hundred new Zombie-Nados have been reported from New Orleans to Baltimore! Scientists think it may be related to sun spots. Fifty-million are believed infected! They’ve even entered Washington DC and eaten Nancy Pelosi! She made the zombies nauseous, but with an effort they swallowed her down.”
As Scully is speaking we see a squeaky door open in the background behind her. She turns and gasps in disbelief: “M-Mulder! ”
The camera shows Brad Pitt’s radio and we hear Scully’s voice end in a gurgled scream as David Duchovny chirps, “I want to believe…more brains are out there!”
Realizing he now has just seconds before he too becomes a member of the species homo sapiens animate-post-mortem, Pitt sees what he must do. “Plan 9,” he whispers, pulling a small black device from his pocket. He flips open its lid, revealing a red trigger atop a small round shape with many protruding wires. In a voice-over giving us Pitt’s thoughts we hear him say, “Plan 9 can only be implemented once, because Plan 9 isn’t about saving the earth. It’s about saving the universe.”
Sentimental music plays and we see Pitt’s life flash before his eyes….Thelma and Louise…True Romance, 7, Fight Club, Benjamin Button, The Charlie Rose Show… He presses the red trigger and a shot from outer space shows the entire earth exploding like Alderaan did before it, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
Fade to black...
Gradual fade-in and key a freaky suite of Theremin music accompanying a wide-angle shot of the immensity of space.
A UFO full of green, orange, and purple alien schoolkids, some with tentacles, others with horns, a sort of diversity of the young from a dozen extraterrestrial races traveling together is flying through a debris field beside an earth-less moon.
Close-up of the debris. Half a Golden Arch from a McDonald’s sign floats past….the bumper of a 1960s VW bus with a Grateful Dead sticker on it…. Part of Gary Coleman’s tombstone.
As the bored alien children endure their field trip and a fat blue alien teacher (played by Roseanne Barr) screeches at them to shut up and listen, a pre-recorded message narrated by Alec Baldwin speaking through a kazoo tells them:
“For millennia we doubted humankind had any worth, living as they did in ignorant isolation on a quarantined planet infected with the deadliest disease known in nine galaxies: zombieitis...
Shots of spinning twisters filled with zombies leveling the Kremlin, Saint Peter’s Basilica, the inner-city project where Kanye West was born.
“If one drop of zombieitis had escaped earth, the entire universe would have been undead within a century, no stopping it. That is why all the civilized races of the galaxy shunned earth and kept humankind quarantined out of contact with us. Oh, sure scientists from among the bulb-headed, big-eyed Grays visited the infected blue planet from time to time, butchering cows and conducting intrusive proctological examinations on outcast rural oddballs whom no one would ever believe, but most of all we made sure this one world was excluded from the galactic community, thus keeping zombieitis from spreading…
A scene of the southwestern desert, reveals a sign that reads Area 51.
“And then things got out of hand when recent solar flares set off super strong Zombie-Nados that began to spin so fast they were about to hurl zombies out of earth’s atmosphere directly into space itself, threatening two million other planets with the deadly contagion. Hope felt lost, and from the noble lizard people of Omicron 14, to the farting pink gas midgets of Lectron 2, we all seemed doomed. But one man…
Key sentimental music and close-up of Brad Pitt.
“…yes one man had the integrity and far-sightedness to sacrifice himself and his trivial race to contain the zombieitis those freak sun-spot tornados unleashed. Though they were venal and warlike, had terrible taste in celebrities and frequently ate the wisest species ever to evolve on their world, the chicken, humankind showed its worth at the eleventh hour, and for that, every sentient species in the universe shall forever hail the memory of those ape descendants who once lived on an obscure world called planet earth….”