Hawk the Slayer is a SPAGHETTI WESTERN

[aszurom]

Bad Movie Podcast (JNJosh and myself) watched this last night - first time for both of us.  I had seen bits and pieces as a kid, but this was my first end-to-end viewing.

What amazes me about his movie is that it's formulaicly a spaghetti western at heart.  Watch this, I'm going to replace the characters but keep the story the same:

Hawk McQuade rides into town, seeking to kill his brother for the murder of his wife.  Victor (Jack Palance) wanted to be with Esmerelda, but she married his brother, and in the middle of their gunfight she got between them and was shot in the back.

Victor has taken the mother superior of the local mission hostage and will tie her to the train tracks if they don't pay him $2000 in gold by sun down tomorrow.  Victor and his army of mexican banditos are holed up in Dead-Man's Canyon.

To rescue the nuns and have his revenge on Victor, Hawk must re-assemble his posse of gunslingers he used to ride with years ago.  He'll need the services of a gypsie fortune teller to find them all.  Joe the gentle giant, Mickey the dwarf and master burglar, the One Armed Rifleman, and Tampo his In'jun tracker guide and master of the bow and arrow.

Ok, you see where this is going, right?  Hawk rides around the west, rescuing his old buddies one at a time from predicaments until he has them all.  Then hatch a plan to rob a bad guy of his gold and use that to pay off the other bad guy, or ride into his fortress and shoot it out.

The fights in the original Hawk the Slayer are all stare-down fast draw contests right out of a western anyway.  Here's how they go:

*whistled theme of the hero*
shazam! He's standing behind the bad guys, staring them down.
zoom tight into his eyes
cut to bandit #1's eyes
cut to hero's eyes
cut to bandit #2's eyes
cut to bandit wiggling his fingers over his holstered sword... I mean gun.
cut to hero's holster
bandit #1 goes for his weapon
KAPOW
KAPOW
both bandits fall, killed before they could get their weapon out

Go watch Hawk the Slayer and tell me you couldn't just put cowboy hats on everybody and have the same movie.  Seriously.