Thought I'd share some of the best and worst in bad movies watched for the very first time in 2009.
WORST MOVIE
Backwoods (2008) Haylie Duff stuck in bad Wrong Turn territory. Stale gimploitation.
Firehead (1991) Renegade Cyborg-dung with Chris Lemmon.
Witchouse 3: Demon Fire (2001) Sequels nobody really cares about.
Kill the Scream Queen (2004) Wannabe sick-shocker about fugly hoes tortured.
WINNER: Hip Hop Locos (2001) Atrocious gangsta violence that puts Compton to shame.
THE "I DID IT FOR THE MONEY" AWARD
WINNER: Brinke Stevens for whoring herself in Witchouse 3: Demon Fire (2001). Girlfriend must've been flat out broke.
MOST DISTURBING SEX SCENE: Outstanding achievements in the bump and grind department.
The Unborn (2009) ... Sheet-fondling surprise.
Ninja in the Claws of the CIA (1982) ... Meditated blowjob.
Lady Street Fighter (1985) ... Celery stalk fetish.
Outside the Law (1994) ... Counter-sex.
WINNER: Insanitarium (2008) ... Kinky scalpel-sex.
THE "WTF?" PERFORMANCE AWARD
Lynn-Holly Johnson in Hyper Space (1989) From For Your Eyes Only (1981) to giving lame cues on a cardboard space vessel. WTF Lynn?
Phoebe Dollar in Charlie's Death Wish (2005) Special "Karen Black Remembrance" award goes to cross-eyed Phoebe.
Toni Nero in No Dead Heroes (1986) Special "Sore Throat" award goes to Toni and her scary screaming fits.
Gabriela Hassel in Don't Panic (1988) The cute bad acting Euro-girlfriend with train wreck dubbing. What a blessing.
WINNER: Anna Levine in Outside the Law (1994) Zombi-fied acting Femme-Fatality. Greatest WTF? performance in recent years.
(Honorable Mention: Doug Swander as the harmonica playing exterminator in Razortooth (2007))
BEST VILLAIN
Nicolas Wright in Swamp Devil (2008) Charming hick Nic is a smooth criminal.
Allen Andrews in Murder Loves Killers Too (2009) The silent killing machine, but when he opens his mouth things get even more disturbing.
Shawn Burke in The Traveler (2006) Mind your manners - polite British etiquette, the twisted kind.
Evan Parke in Insanitarium (2008) The ultimate nightmare hospital warden. Threatening, intimidating and not giving a s**t.
WINNER: Atticus Shaffer in The Unborn (2009) Never can go wrong with evil brats. Mr. Shaffer delivered.
STANDOUT MOMENT
I finally got to witness the infamous flying zombie head from Zombi 3 (1988)
Maritime flags supernatural storm warning: four square red flags during the exorcism in The Unborn (2009)
Intense elevator shaft escape in Insanitarium (2008)
Mechanical glove fight in Future Force (1989)
WINNER: Bruce Li vs. Paul L. Smith in Return of the Tiger (1979)
BEST CREATURE FEATURE
Mythological creatures in Hydra (2009)
Deadly insects in Black Swarm (2007)
Twigs and java moss gone wild in Swamp Devil (2008)
Legendary creatures in Chupacabra Terror (2005)
WINNER: Gigantic eels in Razortooth (2007)
BEST SLASHER: Not all of these are really Slashers but sort of leaning in that direction. To some extent. Just shush and bare with me:
Murder Loves Killers Too (2009) The log cabin massacre.
No Man's Land: The Rise of Reeker (2008) Return of the smelly boogeyman.
Don't Panic (1988) Slashing in the name of evil.
Psycho Beach Party (2000) Groovy killer shindig.
WINNER: Return to Sleepaway Camp (2008) They all came back and I was the only one thrilled.
BEST SCI-FI MOVIE
Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation (2004) Showdown in an hour glass. Small location, lots of sand.
The Manster (1959) So this was the inspiration for Army of Darkness (Windmill scene).
Future Force (1989) Robotronic Law Enforcement with David Carradine.
Vicious Lips (1987) A musical nightmare extravaganza.
WINNER: Space Mutiny (1988) "In space no one sees you squint"
BEST ACTION MOVIE
Return of the Tiger (1979) Hot drugs and fierce kung-fu.
Ninja in the Claws of the CIA (1982) Ninja vs. CIA vs. KGB.
Charlie's Death Wish (2005) A girl and her gun.
No Dead Heroes (1986) Heroes vs. Assassins.
WINNER: Lady Street Fighter (1985) Foxy White Ploitation.
BEST MOVIE NOT AVAILABLE ON DVD: Many deserve to be on DVD or Blu-ray. I thought this one was the most deserving:
Vicious Lips (1987)
BEST SHOT ON VIDEO FEATURE
Heat Street (1987) Urban vendetta: Boxer vs. thugs.
Murder Loves Killers Too (2009) Violent retreat: Killer vs. Teens.
Charlie's Death Wish (2005) Destructive desire: Girl vs. criminals.
The Traveler (2006) Abnormal pain: Ghost vs. Ghostwatchers.
WINNER: Demon Under Glass (2002) Dracula dissected.
BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS
Zombie 4: After Death (1988)
The Manster (1959)
Charlie's Death Wish (2005)
Insanitarium (2008)
WINNER: The Traveler (2006)
BEST MALE PERFORMANCE
Quincy Adams Jr. in Heat Street (1987) Gutsy one-man vigilante squad performance.
Jason Carter in Demon Under Glass (2002) Interesting performance of a Vampire captured by authorities.
Michael Gibney in Return to Sleepaway Camp (2008) Annoying but stunning performance of a troubled teen.
Don Stroud in Hyper Space (1989) Funny caveman antics in deep space.
WINNER: Peter Stormare in Insanitarium (2008) Campy-good mad doctor performance.
BEST FEMALE PERFORMANCE
Zoe Bell in Angel of Death (2009) Decent enough solo effort.
Marián Salgado in Demon Witch Child (1975) Possessed Euro-kids always win by default.
Karen Black in Separate Ways (1981) Miss Black acts like she is on crack. As usual.
Elizabeth Kaitan in Night Club (1989) Who knew that a C-Starlet could actually act?
WINNER: Molly Bryant in Insanitarium (2008) Far from a Nurse Ratched but close enough to win.
BEST DIRECTOR
Mircea Dragan / The Poseidon Explosion (1973)
Jeff Leroy / Charlie's Death Wish (2005)
David S. Goyer / The Unborn (2009)
Bruce Toscano / The Jar (1984)
WINNER: Jon Cunningham / Demon Under Glass (2002)
BEST MOVIE
The Traveler (2006)
Don't Panic (1988)
Charlie's Death Wish (2005)
Demon Under Glass (2002)
WINNER: Lady Street Fighter (1985)
THE "PLEASE CAN WE HAVE MORE SLEAZE?" AWARD
WINNER: Kill the Scream Queen (2004)
Sleaziest turd since last year's winner Victims! (1985)
SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENT AWARD
Manson International Pictures
For distributing many corny gems and cheesy c-movies throughout the 70s and 80s.
Gone but not forgotten!
Mold Awards 2009 Trailer & Clips Show:
