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« on: January 24, 2010, 03:25:35 PM »

Disaster Movie
Unrated (Actually rated PG-13)
Skull
Copyright Lions Gate Entertainment (Entertainment my ass!) 2008

THE CHARACTERS


Will: Our leading man who is a world class putz and has very big relationship problems. I think Will and me are in sync with each other because most of our reactions to various things in the movie are spot on. He and Amy marry each other at the end of the film.

Amy: A slut. Simple as that. Only wants Will to say he loves her, otherwise she’ll just keep sleeping around. Definitely not my type of girl. Pretty though.

Calvin: Reminds me of Carlton from The Fresh Prince and is about as dorky. He is Will’s friend and our comic relief character, I think. Sort of likeable, but ruins it when he hooks up with the princess despite Lisa dying a few moments earlier. He’s cut down by Kung Fu Panda.

The Enchanted Princess: Nicole Parker! Homeless chick who likes dressing as a princess and is secretly a transvestite. She’s bipolar, high, or psychotic; you make the call! Calvin and she become a couple for some odd reason. She or should I say he is cut down by Kung Fu Panda.

Juney MacGuff: A spoof of Juno. Never seen the movie so all jokes go over my head regarding her, but the jokes she makes that I do get are intolerable and even the characters do not find them funny. Needs better friends since they don’t save her when the chipmunks start eating her spine.

Lisa: Kim Kardashian! Calvin's easily jealous girlfriend and possibly the only likeable character in this film. Mostly, because she doesn't do much. Crushed by a meteor.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Films can be very painful.
+ Computers, Gin, and the Internet existed back in 10,001 B.C.
+ A guy can sleep peacefully and not be woken up as three people make whoopee next to him.
+ There are Black people without rhythm out there.
+ Pregnant girls can beat anyone in hand to hand combat and are good break dancers.
+ Taking off your clothes will make you warmer.
+ Serria Mist has bad sponsorship choices before.
+ The best way to get over a departed love one is to hook up with a princess who got hit by a taxi.
+ When shot more than 20 times, there will be no bullet holes in a body.
+ Every good museum as an altar room.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
1 min – Oh yeah, this is foreshadowing for how the film will be.
5 min – Riveting.
7 min – Look lady, you just did it to some other guy in the same room where your boyfriend is. Of course he is going to refuse you!
12 min – I should be finding this hot… but I’m not.
16 min – HORRENDOUS MUSICAL NUMBER MOMENT! WHY ME!?
18 min – Oh disaster! Where are you?
25 min – I’m sorry, but is this humor? I can’t tell.
29 min – I’m going to puke now if you don’t mind and also, her shirt isn’t wet!
30 min – Thank you. That would be my reaction.
39 min – I wonder what is on TV right now?
43 min – There’s something I could have done without.
46 min – Someone punch him for me!
49 min – I could be watching The Blob right now, but no! I decided watch this pile of vomit.
50 min – Alright, give a credit for one ok joke.
52 min – She’s annoying!? YOU’RE ANNOYING!!! SAVE HER ASS YOU WORTHLESS SACK OF… (Anger induce rage for the next few minutes).
54 min – Your headache made be gone, but mine is getting worse.
61 min – But it was just daylight out and they were near the entrance too!
65 min – Stuntman.
68 min – So… Will gets everything from his mother’s side then.
72 min – Thank you!
73 min – HORRENDOUS MUSICAL NUMBER MOMENT! NO!!! WE WERE SO CLOSE TO END!! STOP THE MADDNESS!
76 min – As long we are swearing, f**k this movie.

NOTABLE QUOTES
There is no notable or amusing quote because all the dialogue sucks, like this movie.

THE PLOT

Why? You are probably asking yourself, why? Why am I reviewing this? Why should I bother wasting my time with this piece of crap? Why am I torturing myself with dreadful and unholy monstrosity that is supposedly a film, something that is suppose to be a form of entertainment? The answer of course is, why not!

And as of this film, why not will never, ever cut it again for me. Last note, this is the unrated edition, which adds an extra minute to this film. An extra minute may not seem like much, but it can certainly be an eternity for some films, especially for a film that ranks at 21 at the Bottom 100 Films on IMBD last time I checked.

Oh boy… here goes nothing.

The film opens up in 10,001 B.C. with a caveman running away from something and then falling into a pile of dino crap. Oh I sense a metaphor for this. So mister cavemen keeps running until he runs into a contestant from American Gladiators called Wolf. After countless of stupid jokes (Trust me, there will be tons of these that will drive you insane), the cavemen runs into an Amy Winehouse lookalike (Didn’t realize she was part cat) who informs him that the world will end on August 29, 2008. Kind of awfully specific for a character to know. Must have read the script or something.

Then the main character, Will, wakes up from his sleep. Yep, that was a whole dream sequence. I’m not going to even comment on how I feel towards that. That’s not even the worst of it. Apparently, right next to him is his girlfriend, Amy, and she was making love to a midget and a Flavor Flav wannabe in the same bed as him. Not commenting on that either, it speaks for itself.

Will and Amy have very big relationship issues because Will can’t tell her that he loves her. I can’t understand how not saying I love you gives the girl the right to sleep with 2 other guys in the same bed as her boyfriend. I have no understanding of women I suppose.

We then have a musical number (Save me) before we cut to Will’s 16 birthday party; he’s 25 but he has to have a sweet 16 party or some crap like that. At said party, there are a lot of random parodies of people from different movies that I rather be watching and a lot of “hilarious” jokes, including a spoof of Wanted. I wish I was watching Wanted.

So the party is going fine as well as party with tons of spoofs can be. Things take a turn for a worse when a bunch of people began to sing a High School Musical like number that goes on for about 4 minutes. Hope you got earplugs!

Also, this movie is called Disaster Movie. I like to point out that film has been parodying almost everything else but a disaster film. Where are the disaster parodies and why hasn’t there been a disaster outside of the musical disasters that have been plaguing this movie so far?

Mercifully, the music ends when the disaster actually comes and rocks the building. A guy comes on the radio and tells that meteors are falling from the sky and earthquakes are happening. The party crowd leaves in fear and Will, Calvin (Will’s friend), Juney (Juno spoof and Will’s friend) and Lisa (Calvin’s girlfriend) head outside to see what is going on. Meteors are coming down, crushing pathetic people trying to spoof celebrities while an ice storm is blowing through. Makes no sense, but then again, the fact people wanted star is this movie makes no sense either.

The four friends run into a building for cover from the ice storm and run into a rip off of the Sex in the City girls with a drag queen that is suppose to be Carrie Bradshaw. Random is the keyword here. Juney then gets into a fist, foot, and lactating (You read that correctly) fight with the drag queen and wins. This would have been somewhat amusing (Come on, a pregnant girl fighting and beating up a drag queen!), but it just gets too disgusting and it went on and on! Kind of like this film when I think about it.

We then dream sequence with Will that is pointless, so skip that. The group leaves the building the next day and begins to find a way to escape the city. Will, worried about Amy, decides to call her and decides to tell her that he loves her. He then loses signal with her and decides to go find her at a museum she went to. The rest of the group decides to help him, but Lisa gets crushed by meteor all of a sudden. Great, the only likeable character in this damn film, dead! Screw you movie!

While the trio mourns Lisa’s death, a new character pops out from a manhole cover called The Enchanted Princess. Immediately after meeting her, Calvin gets over Lisa and moves onto the princess. I hate you Calvin. Also, the princess, who is actually some homeless lady in princess garb, falls in love with him as well. I’m getting a headache.

After getting into a dance off with a prince pimp (Don’t ask), a giant tornado shows up out of nowhere. Well at least the movie Twister is sort of a disaster film. The four call out for heroes to come and help them. Apparently, Iron Man, Hellboy, and the Hulk come to save them, but are defeated by a bunch of cows shot out by the twister. Speaking of Hellboy, I have the animated movie, Sword of Storms. It’s a fun and entertaining movie that even has some of the original actors from the live action film doing the voices for the characters! What am I getting at here? There are much better things I could be doing with my time, but I'm stuck watching this horrible movie.

With those pointless cameos out of the way, the rest of the group tells Will that he should give up on trying to rescue Amy with all this chaos going on. Will still insists on trying to go get her. Frankly sir, why? She’s cheated on you with a midget, a Flavor Flav wannabe, a wimpy underwear model. I think you should try finding someone else, anyone else.

We then have a joke that last too long involving poo and then an appearance from Alvin and Chipmunks. Alvin and Chipmunks? Seriously? We had only four disaster parodies (Yes, I counted) and the rest of the film has been devoted to parodies of other films and celebrities. Did the film makers just forget what this film was about?

Well, things get weird when the chipmunks develop rabies and attack the group, which then turns into a reenactment of a scene from Hobgoblins. It’s just as convincing here as it was there. So to make very long story short, chipmunks kill Juney, the trio suffocates the chipmunks to death, there is a commercial (Seriously) and they continue on their way to the museum, running into Batman along the way. Headache is getting worse people.

Skipping lots of dribble and pointless scenes, the new trio arrives at the museum to find Amy pinned down by a statue. After some even more pointless jokes (Never get tired using pointless to describe this movie), they free Amy and she then reveals to them that they need to get this Crystal Skull thing to the altar at the back of the museum to stop all of this chaos that is happening. Either that or the skull will release a UFO. It all really depends if this movie will be copying any more things from Indiana Jones IV.

Will and Amy go to return the skull, while Calvin and the princess take off to leave the city. The two of them are trapped, however, in the museum and are shocked to find the museum exhibits are coming to life. Mental note to self, watch Night in the Museum later to remove aftertaste of movie. The Kung Fu Panda exhibit (Dead serious) attacks and then kills them, not before revealing to us that the princess is just a transvestite in a wig. My brain is shorting out.

Meanwhile, Will ends up fighting Beowulf, who is nude. I feel queasy; I think it isn’t just this scene itself either. Amy kills the guy and two continue to the altar room. Once there, they run into Will’s father, a midget Indiana Jones. Kind of odd since Will is a tall guy who couldn’t even cut it as a background character in a High School Musical, which is the complete opposite of his dad.

So the three of talk; make terrible, offensive jokes; and then return the skull back to the altar. With that, the world stops coming to an end and the two of them get married by a Love Guru individual. The two kiss and it may seem like a happily ever after, but nope. The film sneaks in one more musical number! That’s right, another musical number! One was enough, two was maddening, but three is just torture. With that, my headache is at an all time high with the end of this pure evil film.

This film is just… painful. It is just a piece of crap that doesn’t deserve to exist. That killer frog movie I watched was more entertaining! Everything is wrong with this movie, the acting, the settings, the music, the characters, the length of the damn film, and the humor; oh man the humor! It was just bad! I can safely say that I barely chuckled or smiled throughout this film. Oh sure, there were one or two jokes that were good, but it was just insulting and dreadful.

The ultimate problem here is the parodies. The film is really a disaster film parody since they only parody 4 disaster films briefly. This should have been really called Popular Movie since they just parodied all the popular movies, trends, and celebrities of that time. Anyways, the title is completely right; this movie was a disaster! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get some aspirin.
« Last Edit: February 07, 2010, 10:48:17 PM by InformationGeek » Logged

Website: http://informationgeekreviews.blogspot.com/

We live in quite an interesting age. You can tell someone's sexual orientation and level of education from just their interests.
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