Bad Movie Logo
"A website to the detriment of good film"
Custom Search
HOMEB-MOVIE REVIEWSREADER REVIEWSFORUMINTERVIEWSUPDATESABOUT
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?
March 28, 2024, 03:44:46 PM
713363 Posts in 53058 Topics by 7725 Members
Latest Member: wibwao
Badmovies.org Forum  |  Other Topics  |  Television  |  THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs « previous next »
Pages: 1 ... 39 40 [41] 42 43
Author Topic: THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs  (Read 399593 times)
retrorussell
In the town of Valentine Bluffs, there are many ways to die. Take your pick.
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 1189
Posts: 9585


Hanniger! I'll be waiting in HELL for you!


« Reply #600 on: August 03, 2021, 10:08:47 PM »

HIRED PART II:
Car lot owner (about his former boss Harry Carpenter): Yeah, he used to talk to me about my prospects..
Crow: Your prostate?!
Car lot owner: ..And how I used to handle them.  But you know, I always thought that was because he knew you so well.  Maybe he had more of a personal interest in me.
Car lot owner's dad: Nonsense!
Joel: He HATED you!



Car lot owner: I remember the first thing Harry drilled into me..
Crow: Was hairy!
Logged

"O the legend they say, on a Valentine's Day, is a curse that'll live on and on.."
Trevor
Uncle Zombie and Eminent Shitologist
B-Movie Kraken
*****

Karma: 2121
Posts: 22714



« Reply #601 on: August 05, 2021, 01:27:07 PM »

HIRED PART II:
Car lot owner (about his former boss Harry Carpenter): Yeah, he used to talk to me about my prospects..
Crow: Your prostate?!


 BuggedoutBounceGiggle
Logged

I know I can make it on my own if I try, but I'm searching for the Great Heart
To stand me by, underneath the African sky
A Great Heart to stand me by.
retrorussell
In the town of Valentine Bluffs, there are many ways to die. Take your pick.
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 1189
Posts: 9585


Hanniger! I'll be waiting in HELL for you!


« Reply #602 on: August 07, 2021, 04:33:14 AM »

LAST CLEAR CHANCE:
(Title card appears)
Servo: Your last clear chance for fantastic savings!

(Hearses enter cemetery)
Crow: Jack Kevorkian throws a tailgating party!

Cop: Someone cut down in the prime of life..
Mike: Is one of the perks of this job.

(Cop sits down with Dixon family at picnic table)
Dad: Looks like you'll have another Dixon to worry about.  Alan got his driver's license.
Cop: Oh, is that right?  Let me see it, would ya?
Alan: You bet! (hands to cop)
Mike: Let me see that.. you're not a black female!

Narrator (as woman reads map in car): Here's another hazard of our superhighways that we patrolmen see all too often.
Mike: Women drivers!

Frank, joking to officer Hal: I surrender, Hal!  What's the charge?
Crow: Ha ha!  MANSLAUGHTER!

(Cop lays a blanket over Frank's corpse)
Crow: Well, I'd tuck you in, but you're.. dead!

Cop: Out on the road I could at least try to keep people from killing themselves in their cars.
Servo: Oh, you're doing a GREAT job..
Cop: So if the next car I stop happens to be yours..
Mike: Set a place for me at your dinner table!
Logged

"O the legend they say, on a Valentine's Day, is a curse that'll live on and on.."
retrorussell
In the town of Valentine Bluffs, there are many ways to die. Take your pick.
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 1189
Posts: 9585


Hanniger! I'll be waiting in HELL for you!


« Reply #603 on: August 07, 2021, 05:16:14 AM »

DAYS OF OUR YEARS:
Narrator: I often stop by here for a cup of coffee.
Mike: That's really interesting.

Narrator: This is Helen.
Mike: Hi Helen.
Narrator: Even though she's never been in an accident..
Servo: She acts like she has.

Narrator (about Joe): He hadn't a complaint in the world.  Well, maybe one complaint.  He was getting tired of being a bachelor.  Eating on the run; cleaning up your own place, once you got around to it.  But all that was due for a change pretty soon.  (Camera zooms in on picture of woman)
Servo: He'd chosen a new look!

Narrator: Yes, Joe was a pretty lucky guy.  Good job as road electrical foreman, and a wonderful girl who wanted nothing in the world more than to be.. Mrs. Joe.
Mike: So his name is Joe Joe??

Narrator (about Joe's waitress girlfriend): Though she was quick and sure and confident in everything she did..
Crow: She spit in the eggs.

Logged

"O the legend they say, on a Valentine's Day, is a curse that'll live on and on.."
retrorussell
In the town of Valentine Bluffs, there are many ways to die. Take your pick.
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 1189
Posts: 9585


Hanniger! I'll be waiting in HELL for you!


« Reply #604 on: August 14, 2021, 05:32:55 AM »

HIRED! THE MUSICAL (skit between HIRED shorts)

[singing]

Servo (as car salesman): I suck at my job!
Crow (as his father): No you don't!
Servo: Yes I do!  My salesmen are slobs!
Crow: No they're not!
Servo: Yes they do!
Crow and Gypsy: Huh??

THE SPORT PARADE-- SNOW THRILLS:

(Header 'FLASHING BLADES! ICE SKATERS YOUNG AND OLD SPEED ON FROZEN COVERED LAKES FROM COAST TO COAST' appears)
Servo: Ice skaters young and old die from flashing blades!

Narrator: Jack Frost is master of ceremonies.
Servo: I thought he was fictional!

Narrator: Lastly coming, one of the most popular winter sports is "SHEE-ING".  And "SHEE-ING" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us.
Joel: Yeah, well you're full of skit.

-later-
Servo reads header: "Cross country SHEEING amid SKEENS of Winter MAGNIFISHENCE in SANADA'S SHNOW SOVERED playgroundSH."

LAST CLEAR CHANCE:
(Cop is outside of funeral procession at cemetery)
Cop: I suppose I should've gone in for a few minutes..
(Film suddenly moves out of place)
..But I just couldn't do it.
Crow: Because of the tear in the sprocket holes!

CENTURY 21 CALLING...
(At title screen) Mike: They want their little gold jacket back!

Crow: These monorail designers have a one-track mind..

Logged

"O the legend they say, on a Valentine's Day, is a curse that'll live on and on.."
retrorussell
In the town of Valentine Bluffs, there are many ways to die. Take your pick.
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 1189
Posts: 9585


Hanniger! I'll be waiting in HELL for you!


« Reply #605 on: August 19, 2021, 10:32:40 PM »

MONEY TALKS:
(Nerdy boy sees flyer for school dance w/$2 entry fee)
Mike: Greasy scarecrow boy not invited!
(boy looks at 50 cent piece in his hand)
Crow: Wanna go to the dance with me?

(boy spins coin on desk and starts to daydream)
Crow: There's no place like a bank.. there's no place like a bank..

(image of Benjamin Franklin appears in doorway)
Boy: Are you really Benjamin Franklin?
BF: That's right.  Come over here son.  I'd like to talk to you.
Crow: Could you have your slave press my suit?

(image leaves doorway)
Crow: Will our mystery guest enter and sign in please!

BF: Perhaps I CAN be of some help to you from removing you from what you so quaintly describe as "the red".
Servo: For a price..
Boy: What do you mean?
BF: Now I don't think that your problem is a difficult one, William.  You have one important thing to learn and then you'll have no problem.  You must learn how to MANAGE your money.
Boy: WHAT money?
Mike: Don't smart mouth me, boy.

BF: You receive $2 every week as an allowance from your father.
Mike: James Joyce!
BF: Something quite unheard of in my day.
Crow: Fathers??

(Returns to spinning coin, in real world)
Mike: ..But it was too late.  William filed Chapter 11!

(at THE END)
Mike: Benjamin Franklin was tried in the 8th circuit court on stalking charges.  In a minute, the results of that trial.
Logged

"O the legend they say, on a Valentine's Day, is a curse that'll live on and on.."
Trevor
Uncle Zombie and Eminent Shitologist
B-Movie Kraken
*****

Karma: 2121
Posts: 22714



« Reply #606 on: December 02, 2021, 04:42:01 AM »

ESCAPE 2000 / ESCAPE FROM THE BRONX

[Voice over: You are ordered to leave The Bronx. I repeat: you are ordered to leave The Bronx!]

[random dude gets tossed out a window]

Mike: "I forgot my luggage!!"  BounceGiggle BounceGiggle
« Last Edit: May 12, 2022, 05:25:27 AM by Trevor » Logged

I know I can make it on my own if I try, but I'm searching for the Great Heart
To stand me by, underneath the African sky
A Great Heart to stand me by.
Trevor
Uncle Zombie and Eminent Shitologist
B-Movie Kraken
*****

Karma: 2121
Posts: 22714



« Reply #607 on: December 21, 2021, 05:38:04 AM »

TERROR FROM THE YEAR 5000:

"Sorry folks, I've got an old Johnson...and my outboard motor isn't working either."

 BounceGiggle BounceGiggle BounceGiggle BounceGiggle
Logged

I know I can make it on my own if I try, but I'm searching for the Great Heart
To stand me by, underneath the African sky
A Great Heart to stand me by.
Trevor
Uncle Zombie and Eminent Shitologist
B-Movie Kraken
*****

Karma: 2121
Posts: 22714



« Reply #608 on: December 27, 2021, 01:48:52 PM »

THE TOUCH OF SATAN

[Old grandma comes crashing through the door with a very wrinkled face*]

Person Who Looks Like Clu Gulager: "What's happened? What have you done?"
Tom: "I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade!" TeddyR

* The grandma has the wrinkled face, not the door  Wink
« Last Edit: December 27, 2021, 01:54:42 PM by Trevor » Logged

I know I can make it on my own if I try, but I'm searching for the Great Heart
To stand me by, underneath the African sky
A Great Heart to stand me by.
Rev. Powell
Global Moderator
B-Movie Kraken
****

Karma: 3100
Posts: 26772


Click on that globe for 366 Weird Movies


WWW
« Reply #609 on: January 08, 2022, 12:51:31 PM »

INVADERS FROM THE DEEP

Crow: Joel Hodgson, is it possible for a robot to be bored?
« Last Edit: January 08, 2022, 01:24:14 PM by Rev. Powell » Logged

I'll take you places the hand of man has not yet set foot...
Trevor
Uncle Zombie and Eminent Shitologist
B-Movie Kraken
*****

Karma: 2121
Posts: 22714



« Reply #610 on: January 10, 2022, 02:22:02 PM »

JUNGLE GODDESS

Crow: "Uh, scuse me, are you our waitress? I'd like to order whatever's on the wall over there."

 TeddyR TeddyR
Logged

I know I can make it on my own if I try, but I'm searching for the Great Heart
To stand me by, underneath the African sky
A Great Heart to stand me by.
Trevor
Uncle Zombie and Eminent Shitologist
B-Movie Kraken
*****

Karma: 2121
Posts: 22714



« Reply #611 on: January 20, 2022, 01:13:43 PM »

THE NIGHT OF THE BLOOD BEAST

[the back of the spaceship catches fire]
Crow: "My pizza!!"  TeddyR
Logged

I know I can make it on my own if I try, but I'm searching for the Great Heart
To stand me by, underneath the African sky
A Great Heart to stand me by.
Trevor
Uncle Zombie and Eminent Shitologist
B-Movie Kraken
*****

Karma: 2121
Posts: 22714



« Reply #612 on: January 21, 2022, 07:45:57 AM »

GAMERA

Quote
Pilot: What is your name? What is your designation?
Crow: Are you known for your work in the theater?
[the dark plane fires two missiles out of its back]
Joel: Uh, you lost your muffler!

 TeddyR TeddyR
Logged

I know I can make it on my own if I try, but I'm searching for the Great Heart
To stand me by, underneath the African sky
A Great Heart to stand me by.
Trevor
Uncle Zombie and Eminent Shitologist
B-Movie Kraken
*****

Karma: 2121
Posts: 22714



« Reply #613 on: January 22, 2022, 01:23:22 AM »

OPERATION DOUBLE 007

Neil Connery, describing a patient: When I saw this girl's condition...
TOM: I heaved.

Femme fatale: You read too many novels by Fleming.
CROW: Jerry Fleming, Ian's brother.

 BounceGiggle TeddyR
Logged

I know I can make it on my own if I try, but I'm searching for the Great Heart
To stand me by, underneath the African sky
A Great Heart to stand me by.
Trevor
Uncle Zombie and Eminent Shitologist
B-Movie Kraken
*****

Karma: 2121
Posts: 22714



« Reply #614 on: January 23, 2022, 03:39:00 PM »

THE CREEPING TERROR

Crow: "This town desperately needs a leather bar."
Mike: "Or even a dairy bar."  TeddyR
Logged

I know I can make it on my own if I try, but I'm searching for the Great Heart
To stand me by, underneath the African sky
A Great Heart to stand me by.
Pages: 1 ... 39 40 [41] 42 43
Badmovies.org Forum  |  Other Topics  |  Television  |  THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs « previous next »
    Jump to:  


    RSS Feed Subscribe Subscribe by RSS
    Email Subscribe Subscribe by Email


    Popular Articles
    How To Find A Bad Movie

    The Champions of Justice

    Plan 9 from Outer Space

    Manos, The Hands of Fate

    Podcast: Todd the Convenience Store Clerk

    Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

    Dragonball: The Magic Begins

    Cool As Ice

    The Educational Archives: Driver's Ed

    Godzilla vs. Monster Zero

    Do you have a zombie plan?

    FROM THE BADMOVIES.ORG ARCHIVES
    ImageThe Giant Claw - Slime drop

    Earth is visited by a GIANT ANTIMATTER SPACE BUZZARD! Gawk at the amazingly bad bird puppet, or chuckle over the silly dialog. This is one of the greatest b-movies ever made.

    Lesson Learned:
    • Osmosis: os·mo·sis (oz-mo'sis, os-) n., 1. When a bird eats something.

    Subscribe to Badmovies.org and get updates by email:

    HOME B-Movie Reviews Reader Reviews Forum Interviews TV Shows Advertising Information Sideshows Links Contact

    Badmovies.org is owned and operated by Andrew Borntreger. All original content is © 1998 - 2014 by its respective author(s). Image, video, and audio files are used in accordance with the Fair Use Law, and are property of the film copyright holders. You may freely link to any page (.html or .php) on this website, but reproduction in any other form must be authorized by the copyright holder.