THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs

[Trevor]

HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND

Crow: They should just start putting handles on women for easy carrying.
 
Mike: Better dead, than continue living.
Crow: As a general rule, I'm not sure I agree.

Tom: [Upon seeing the name "Temple Foster"] Ah, Temple Foster, where they worship Australian beer.  

Tom: [as guy is running away] Another character flees the film.

Pearl: Mike, I'm sorry. I should have told you we were moving the castle. I didn't mean to leave you home alone. Well, anyway, we had to. I finally got sick of paying fifty bucks a year for my monkey license.

Tom: [as Gary, who calls the girls over to get some water] Best way to get it is to lick it off my chest.
 
Mike [as everyone dances in the movie] This is how I view the world. Everyone else is out doing this while I sit in my underwear eating a toasted cheese sandwich and drinking a nice beer.  
Crow: Pretty accurate.

Tom: Maybe I've always just misunderstood what spiders are. They're large hairy bipeds with pants.

[Trevor]

MAROONED

Gene Hackman: "I guess we're getting our second wind."
Tom: "Yeah, we can smell it down here." 

[Trevor]

OPERATION KID BROTHER

Tom: [Music suddenly stops] What the hell was that?

[chainsaw midget]

"We've hidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture."

"Mitchell, will you stand up please?"

"Word on the street is you're a jerk."

[Rev. Powell]

HIGH SCHOOL BIG SHOT

"Out of This World' short

[Angel and Devil are wagering over the soul of a bread delivery man]
Mike: “This doesn’t match any theology with which I’m familiar.”

Movie:

[Bad rear projection of our hero pensively striding through town]
MIKE: “Hey – I’m fake walkin’ here!”

Marvin: “Turn out the [head]lights.”
CROW: “Yeah, they don’t need them now that it’s two in the afternoon!”

[Trevor]

THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS

Narrator: "His aide carries a briefcase. Secret files on the Russian moon shot."
Crow: "And a change of underpants."

 

[Trevor]

MITCHELL

Joel: "Honey, I'm home. Had that meeting with the gangster." 

[Trevor]

MITCHELL

Cummins: "Well, ask him, don't shoot him. Who was he?"
Tom: "I didn't ask him, I shot him."

 

[Trevor]

HAMLET

Marcellus: Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
MIKE: Yeah, sorry, I didn't have any clean hose or pantaloons.

CROW: What's worse than clowns? Danish clowns.
HTOM: Danish Clowns: the damp, smelly, silverfish-infested basement of the clown world.

[Claudius is watching Hamlet and Laertes duel with an intense expression]
MIKE (as Claudius): I'm so baked, man.