Copyright 2003 Wiseau-Films
Submitted by Jed Siple
Johnny-Our fugly and accented "hero". Looks for love in all the wrong places. Death by suicide.
Lisa-Johnny's doughy "future wife". She once loved Johnny, but now has eyes for Mark (and anything else with 2 legs I suspect).
Mark-Johnny's best friend. Seduced by Lisa, then feels guilty because he's Johnny's best friend. Have I mentioned he's Johnny's best friend.
Denny-Probably mentally-challenged friend of Johnny & Lisa who is the only person in the world who wants to watch the couple make love. Unfortunately, he is also the only person who does not.
Claudette-Lisa's controlling, unaffectionate, and gossipy mother. She's dying of cancer, but it's nothing to worry about.
Peter-Psychologist friend who has Mark & Lisa figured out. I'm going to take a wild stab at what happened to him-death by delayed facial trauma.
Mike and Michelle-Unimportant people who use Johnny's apartment for sex.
Steven-Who are you? Where did you come from? Why are you here?
* Pictures of cutlery are often used for decorative purposes.
* The computer business is very competitive.
* A game of catch should always be played from a safe distance of about 3 feet.
* Breast cancer is nothing to worry about.
* The sound a chicken makes is "Cheep cheep cheep."
* If you really want to lift a friend's spirits, tell them a story about a violent assault.
* 2003 was before the advent of the word "fiancé".
* Women suck.
STUFF TO WATCH FOR
4 mins - Was that supposed to symbolize temptation, or did an apple orchard help finance the movie?
6 mins - Nice continuity with the hair.
7 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
9 mins - No no no no no NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
21 mins - Wow, there were just 4 sentences in a row that had absolutely nothing to do with one another. That's got to be a record.
26 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
30 mins - Go Team!
38 mins - Well...that was an inappropriate response.
59 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST PATIO FURNITURE!
62 mins - See what happens when you go long? Always obey the 3 foot rule!
66 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
78 mins - "You know, cake is the symbol of bulging waistlines."
90 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A TAPE RECORDER!
91 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A TELEVISION!
Johnny: You are lying! I never hit you! You are tearing me apart, Lisa!
Mark: How was work today?
Johnny: Oh pretty good. We got a new client... at the bank. We make a lot of money.
Mark: What client?
Johnny: I can not tell you, its confidential.
Mark: Oh come on. Why not?
Johnny: No I can't. Anyway, how is your sex life?
Johnny: I'm tired, I'm wasted, I love you darling.
Mark: Leave your stupid comments in your pocket!
Claudette: If you think I'm tired now, wait until you see me tomorrow.
Mark: I used to know a girl, she had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it... beat her up so bad she ended up at a hospital on Guerrero Street.
Johnny: Ha ha ha. What a story, Mark.
Denny: I owe him some money.
Lisa: What kind of money?
Denny: I owe him some money.
Lisa: What kind of money?
Mark: Oh man, I just can't figure women out. Sometimes they're just too smart. Sometimes they're flat-out stupid. Other times they're just evil.
Ah, The Room. The film named the worst movie of the decade, and some say the worst of all time. Now that's a phrase that gets bandied about far too often these days, but it did pique my interest. Is it indeed possible that a film made in 2003 could be even worse than "Manos" the Hands of Fate or Monster-A-Go-Go? Let's find out shall we.
Our film begins with Johnny coming home to Lisa with a present, a sexy red dress. It is now that we are first introduced to our protagonist's strange and thick accent. Tommy Wiseau, the director/writer/producer/actor who played Johnny will not disclose where he is from, but I'm going to say France. Or Holland. Definitely maybe Poland.
Anyway, Denny enters as Lisa is modeling her new frock, and is smitten The couple go upstairs for a little fun between the sheets, but Denny interrupts them because he "likes to watch" them. Ewwww. Johnny pretty much tells the kid to get lost, 'cause it's time to get nasty. Sadly, we do get to watch as Johnny thrusts his lumpy white buttocks at us as he makes the beast with two backs with Lisa in one of way too many protracted sex scenes in this movie, complete with cheesy cliché junior prom pop music plays. If you have not tried to gouge your eyes out by about the third one, then mister you're a better man than I.
As I suspected, however, Johnny isn't very satisfying, She calls Mark, has him come over, and then starts getting her flirt on. Mark vehemently protests, then immediately changes his mind and then we are treated to protracted sex scene #2. Mark feels guilty afterwards, and the two agree to never speak of this moment again as long as they live. Oops.
When Johnny comes home, we learn bad news. He didn't get his big promotion after all. Lisa gets him drunk, and we are treated to protracted sex scene #3. Oh goody. The next day Claudette comes over and informs us that she's dying of breast cancer, but Lisa isn't worried about it, because supposedly Johnny hit her in a drunken rage. WTF?
After more useless and unexplained plot points (Mike and Michelle fornicate in Johnny's apartment, Denny gets assaulted by a drug dealer, etc.), we find Johnny and Mark on the roof of the apartment building, as Mark hints to Johnny ever so coyly that he really shouldn't trust Lisa to be faithful. Because, you know she's a woman. And women really blow. This movie hates women.
Tommy confronts Lisa about the supposed drunken abuse, and goes BATSNOT INSANE, delivering some of the best dialogue in this movie, or any movie for that matter. We're talking Troll II type quality here. Lisa gives him the cold shoulder, and they both agree not to "worry about it."(?)
Lisa decides to confess to Claudette about her affair with Mark, unaware that Johnny is listening in. He becomes angry, and decides to take action and bug the phone. And you can bet your arse we see every effing second of him hooking up the tape recorder to the phone! He then confides with Peter about Lisa's infidelity. When Mark and Lisa enter and start making googly eyes with each other, Peter figures out what's going on, and confronts Mark on the roof, which of course leads to the obligatory fight scene where Mark tries to push Peter off the roof. Then...it's over. Mark says sorry and then takes out his frustration on a chair.(??)
Then there's a scene where Mark, Johnny, Denny, & Peter play catch with a football in tuxes. I don't know why. Oh yeah, and guess what happens next? That's right! Mark + Lisa = Protracted Sex Scene #4! This movie hurts my head.
Well suffice it to say Claudette is not happy with her daughter's affair. She informs her daughter that she didn't want to marry Lisa's father, that all men are a-holes, and that marriage has nothing to do with love. God, why is this movie so hateful and depressing!?
Fast forward to Johnny's Birthday, and Lisa & friends have thrown a big surprise party for him. Everyone is there. Well, except for Peter. We won't see him for the rest of the movie. And now there's this guy named Steven who seems to have taken Peter's place. Maybe Peter had major plastic surgery and went into the witness protection program.
Anywho, Lisa sends everyone outside for some air, which gives her and loverboy Mark some time to do the horizontal mambo. But before they can really get started (thank God), Steven interrupts them. He tries to reason with them that they are hurting Johnny, but the star-crossed lovers will hear nothing of it.
And I just figured out who Lisa looks like: Britney Spears if she went on an eating binge.
Eventually during the course of the party, the truth comes out about Mark and Lisa's relationship, sparking not one but TWO fights. One of the main points of contention is who is the father of Lisa's baby, which doesn't really exist. She made that up to make things interesting.
Women. Eventually Lisa and Mark decide to leave Johnny, who goes on a tirade destroying everything in sight. Then he puts the gun to his lips and squeezes. What will everyone do now? Will Lisa and Mark stay together? What will become of Denny? Will Claudette beat cancer?
Is this a bad movie? Yes. Is it the worst of the decade? Possibly. Is it the worst of all time? God no. I've seen worse. Much worse. In fact, most of the time the film is amazingly, brilliantly stupid that I can't help but love it. If only it didn't have all the prolonged sex scenes and blatant misogyny.