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« on: February 14, 2010, 03:42:38 PM »

Pocket Ninjas
Rated PG
Copyright Cine Excel Entertainment 1997
By: InformationGeek


Tanya, Steve, and Damien: They are the Pocket Ninjas (Though they are called the Dragon Ninjas instead)! Since they are so bland and unremarkable I decided to put them all together into one profile. The only thing you need to know is that Steve is sexist, Damien can play a Game Boy without a game, and Tanya becomes the next White Dragon for some reason.

The White Dragon/Master Jack: Gary Daniels! The teacher and master of the Pocket Ninjas who puts them in mortal danger from time to time. I also think he needs to train them more since they do not deserve their black belts at all.

Cubby Khan: The son of Cobra who runs the show when his dad isn’t around (which is the whole film by the way). I am surprise he lets his 8 year old run everything since he is completely nonthreatening and his martial art training is extremely lousy in every meaning of the word.

Cobra Khan: Robert Z’Dar! The villain… I think. He barely makes in appearance in the movie and mostly has his son, Cubby, run things. I wonder where he is most of the film since his gang empire is crashing to the ground without him.

Spike & Slag: The most pathetic thugs I have ever seen in my life. I think evil villains need better standards when hiring these types of people.

+ The best way to fight evil is to send young kids after it.
+ You can never have enough training montages in a movie.
+ Kabuki masks give people superpowers!
+ 8 year olds can teach goons & thugs how to fight and are stronger than a full grown man
+ Canadian and Japanese languages are similar to each other.
+ Men weighing over 150 lbs can bounce up and down on small party balloons.
+ Sometimes heroes and villains solve things by playing Patty Cake.
+ When fishing for women, use coupons.

3 min – What the hell is going on?!
7 min – I feel something as well and it is confusion.
10 min – I’m pause the video so I can laugh at how stupid this looks.
12 min – Now the goons doesn’t have a scratch on him.
15 min – My brain is melting.
21 min – Ugh.  Give me that and I’ll show you how to shoot it properly.
26 min – I miss films with plot development.
34 min – 12 thugs can’t beat up 3 kids on rollerblades?  I think it is time for some layoffs in this criminal organization.
35 min – Yes it was a big mistake to allow kids to fight your battles for you!
39 min – His tattoo is coming off.
41 min – A normal person would say this is the same training montage from before, but nope.  It is the same one, but with nunchakus.  Big difference.
43 min – No one finds the people in the masks suspicious?
48 min – He’s playing the Game Boy without a game in it.
54 min – I am losing it little by little everyone.
62 min – Isn’t that one of the cyborgs from Future War?
64 min – Wow, I would have never guessed (Sarcasm).
68 min – I don’t know what to say anymore.  This is just too confusing to comprehend anymore.
73 min – It seemed like a life time, but it is finally over!  I’m going to watch Evolution again…

Steve: I found this comic.
Damien: So, it’s just a comic.
Steve: Yeah, but it’s like it is in a different language; In Canadian or something.  Only the cover is in English. 
Damien: It’s not in Canadian, Steve.  I think it is Japanese.

Steve: Let’s make like a tree and run!


If you recall my Monster A Go-Go and Disaster Movie reviews, I had made mention that they were in the IMDB’s Bottom List. Well, guess what! Here’s a film that is supposedly even worse than those two, ranking in at number 4, Pocket Ninjas! Yet again, I find myself asking why do I even look at this crap. Sigh… here goes nothing.

As the film begins, some narrator is telling us random facts about himself which tells us nothing about what is going on. Then for the next few minutes as the opening credits roll, we treated to a bunch of confusing and random jumble scenes that don’t really seem to make sense. All I can gather is that some dude called Cobra Khan is controlling some city, neighbors, convenience stores, or whatever with his gangs. Then there is some guy wearing a kabuki mask beating up Khan’s gangs or something like that called the White Dragon.

Anyways, following more illogical and jumbled scenes, there is this karate instructor that has finished up training 3 kids to fight the forces of evil, known as the Stingers, which Cobra is apart. To fight this evil and stuff, he gives them 3 kabuki masks that supposedly grant them special powers. Are you serious? Why not get 3 strong martial art experts if you need people that know karate? This is the same logic in Power Rangers, but stupider.

So the 3 black belts (Yeah these kids have black belts despite the fact that their fight ability is ability is on par with that of a preschooler), wearing their furry kabuki makes go out into the city to fight crime in their rollerblades. So they run into a bunch of goons harassing a guy and bad actress girlfriend so they fight them and suddenly the kids’ skills get better. Did the masks give them special powers or are those really martial artists pretending to be the kids since we cannot see their faces. You make the call.

After a very pathetic beat down by kids wearing rollerblades, the goons go back to their base. Then they tell their troubles and worries (While also trying to act) to an 8 year old kid called Cubby Khan, I think Cobra’s son. So then we get a training montage of the kid training the goons to fight against the ‘awesome’ might of the Pocket Ninjas. Are you kidding me? Just give the bad guys a gun and they’ll be able to take out these little rollerblading kids. I’m not saying that be good for a kids movie, but let’s try some logic here. Also, this kid is clearly not qualified to teach martial arts to anyone. Maybe a Tae Bo class for kids, but nothing else.

After 4 minutes of doing NOTHING important, the movie kicks back in with using returning to our Pocket Ninjas or whatever. Oh yeah, these kids are called Tanya, Steve, Damien. I didn’t bother to mention their names before because they are pretty bland and forgettable people, so you would probably forget who they are almost immediately. We then get another wasted minute of another pointless training montage until we show up at Steve’s treehouse where he shows off this Japanese comic. After 2 minutes of wasted time on that, we cut away again to somewhere else! Will we ever cut away to the actual plot of this movie?

So at a… carnival storage unit, White Dragon and Cobra are destroying private property, spazzing out and beating up each other, but mostly destroying private property and spazzing out. This goes on for literally for another 4 minutes with nothing happening and nothing being accomplish. Man, I would do anything to watch 3 Ninjas right about now. We cut back to the 3 kids and they go on and go about the comic book, trying to figure out what it says.

Then they start guessing about what the comic is all about. So, right now, I am watching a movie about a bunch of martial art kids trying to analyze a comic book. You know I kind of missed it when they were beating people up in their stupid kabuki mask and rollerblades. Wait! They start discussing the history of the White Dragon and Stingers. Is this possibly plot advancement or are we start talking about the damn comic? Things are sort of becoming a blur me right now and I am not even 30 minutes into this film.

We now, again, treated another training montage and we go back to Cubby meeting with an evil businessman named Mr. Kaufman. What does this accomplish? Nothing and really; do expect anything less from this film? So the evil gang of Cubby goes out and tries to rob some people again, with what looks like Nerf bats and plastic batons. As soon as they get there, the rollerblading kids show up again. Do they have radar sense on when there is a crime taking place or something? How would they even know these guys are out there? Do you think I would believe that these kids are just riding around in their kabuki masks in the middle of the day and just run into these guys by accident?

Cubby is shocked that the goons are constantly getting their butts kicked by 3 kids on rollerblades and frankly, so am I. Doesn’t anyone carry a gun in this gang? So what does Cubby do? Why he teaches his gang (Ok, really just 2 of them) some more fighting moves. If his first training montage didn’t work, what makes him think that this one will?

Well after this little incident now, the karate teacher takes back his masks from the 3 kids after he realizes it is too dangerous for them. I would agree, but frankly, since these bad guys can be taken out by 3 kids, it isn’t really that dangerous. Then we waste 2 minutes on basically nothing before we return focus back on the kids discovering that their karate teacher is the White Dragon! Nah, really? I would have never guessed!

With this new discovery, we skip to another montage of the kids wearing the kabuki masks and practicing while wearing them. That’s not all though. If you like that training montage, we get another bonus montage when we skip back to Cubby and the goons. At this point, I think we have had more than 10 montages in this film.

Let’s play a fun game! Every time there a training montage, take a shot! I would, but I’m not old to drink yet. Probably would make this movie seem quicker.

So yeah, the kids are back to being the ninjas and stuff. What made the karate teacher change his mind? Was it the fact that they discover who he was? Who knows and who cares. The movie gets back on track with the bad guys at a local parade and the kids following them in their kabuki masks (I like how no one notices the strange kids in the masks). The villains notice them and start chasing after them out of nowhere. I like to wonder why they are running from the 2 goons. They are obviously strong enough to take out 12 of them so just 2 of them shouldn’t even pose a threat. Logic? Who needs logic!

Suddenly and extremely abruptly, the two goons are talking to Cubby and the White Dragon is telling his students to never fight Cobra Khan (Whatever happened to Cobra anyways?). I think some scenes were put in out of order or something. So we have a couple of random scenes (There might have been some character development shove in there at some point), yet again another training montage, and a very spontaneous infatuating between White Dragon and Damien’s mom.

White Dragon then again has them step down as the ninjas once more when he finds out that the Stringers have connections to evil businessmen (Mr. Kaufmann) with toxic waste. Of course, that doesn’t stop them from trying to stop the villains since they steal the masks from him (Expect for Tanya’s mask). Also, the bad guys kidnap Damien’s mom. How do they even know about her? She only met the White Dragon once and also, she was saying to Damien earlier that was dangerous out and that he should not be walking alone. Why is she walking all alone then?! Why won’t this movie stop?!

The kids see this happen and Damien under reactions in shock of seeing his mother being dragged away. Tanya go gets the White Dragon (who is in the middle of a training montage) while the other 2 end off to save Damien’s mom. Tanya tells the White Dragon about the situation and he tells her that he'll help, but then she flatly says that he isn’t up for it. THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU EVEN GO TO GET HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE?! So from that scene, another training montage! Stop it please! This is just too much for me!

So at the bad guy’s HQ, the two ninja kids break in and start fighting the goons. However, they are captured (Wow, someone finally hired qualified henchmen) and Cubby confronts them. Then in a couple of strange and poor editing choices, White Dragon pops up out of nowhere and rescues the two kids. Strange, White Dragon looks a lot smaller and thinner now and where could Tanya possibly be as well? Wink wink.

So all of them fight off the bad guys in a completely stupid fashion (Somewhere, all martial artists are crying with shame) and rescue Damien’s mom, who wasn’t even really locked up. Then we find out that *gasp* Tanya was White Dragon the whole time. What a shocking revelation.

Near the end of the film, kids decide to fight Cubby in a virtual reality game sometime later after his thugs have been captured. They all fight him and lose in the game, but when they all decide to gang up on the little kid, then they win. That’s a great lesson. When you can’t win against a little kid, gang up on him. Then in probably the most confusing moment of the entire film, we find the kids back in the treehouse looking over the comic book from before and talking about it. What just happened?

With that, the movie ends there. We don’t find out if Cobra Khan is arrested or if Cubby gets in trouble for everything. We don’t know what happens the original White Dragon as well. So, the film is over and I am just left in confusion and disbelief of all that had happened.

This film is just unbelievable. It’s terrible; it’s horrible; it’s awful; and it is mind numbingly bad. This movie failed in just about everywhere from the acting to the storyline. The worse offense is either the large amount of training montages used to pad the film out or the fact that nothing made any sense. The only really positive thing I can say about the film is that picture and sound quality was good, but it is a sad thing when that is the only good part of the movie. Whatever you do, you shouldn’t watch this movie, you shouldn’t talk about this movie, you should forget about this movie, and most importantly; if you should find a copy, make sure to burn it!
« Last Edit: February 22, 2010, 09:24:03 PM by InformationGeek » Logged


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