The truly terrible joke thread

[Alex]

What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!

What’s better than Ted Danson?
 Ted singing and Danson!

What did the the drummer call his twin daughters?
 Anna one, Anna two!

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
 I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

What does a nosey pepper do?
 It gets jalapeño business!


Read more: 100 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners

What does a baby computer call his father?
 Data!

What do you call a bear without any teeth?
 A gummy bear!

Why did the golfer change his pants?
 Because he got a hole in one!

Does anyone need an ark?
 I Noah guy!

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
 Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”

[Alex]

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
 Frostbite.

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team?
 Because she kept running from the ball!

What does a zombie vegetarian eat?
“GRRRAAAIIINNNNS!”

What’s at the bottom of the ocean and shivers?
 A nervous wreck!

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
 Attire!

How many ears does Spock have?
 Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear!

Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?
 Too many cheetahs!

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
 He felt his presents!

What time did the man go to the dentist?
 Tooth hurt-y!

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
 Nobody knows!

[Alex]

What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
 A can’t opener!

How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?
 Tentacles!

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones!



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How does Moses make his tea?
 Hebrews it!

Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?
 Never mind… it’s tearable.

I just watched a documentary about beavers.
 It was the best dam show I ever saw!

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
“Supplies!”

You know what the loudest pet you can get is?
 A trumpet.

Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
 Because it’s pointless!

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
 He was outstanding in his field.

[Alex]

What did the buffalo say when his son left?
 Bison!

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
 That’s just how I roll.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
 The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”

What do you call a fish with no eye?
 Fsh!

When is your door not actually a door?
 When it’s actually ajar.

I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie.
 Man, they really grilled me.

A communist joke isn’t funny…
 … unless everyone gets it.

Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
 Because the pee is silent!

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
 Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

What do you call a man who can’t stand?
 Neil.

[Alex]

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

I’m thinking about removing my spine.
 I feel like it’s only holding me back.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
 They each got six months.

I’m terrified of elevators…
 … so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

I used to hate facial hair…
 … but then it grew on me.

Three fish are in a tank.
 One asks the others, “How do you drive this thing?”

Why don’t crabs donate?
 Because they’re shellfish.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
 I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Don’t worry if you miss a gym session.
 Everything will work out.

Ever tried to eat a clock?
 It’s time-consuming.

[Alex]

Why did Adele cross the road?
 To say hello from the other side.

Did you hear about the circus fire?
 It was in tents!

What’s red and bad for your teeth?
 A brick!

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
 No eyed deer!

What did the horse say after it tripped?
“Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”

Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?
 Fo’ Drizzle.

What goes down but doesn’t come up?
 A yo.

What did the pirate get on his report card?
 Seven Cs!

What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
 1forrest1

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
 Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

[Alex]

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
 Aye Matey.

What’s E.T. short for?
 Because he’s got little legs.

How many bugs do you need to rent out an apartment?
 Tenants.

Why are colds such bad robbers?
 Because they’re so easy to catch.

Why are cats bad storytellers?
 Because they only have one tale.

How do you organize a space-themed party?
 You planet.

What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
 A satisfactory!

I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language.
 I don’t know why!

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
 He couldn’t see himself doing it.

How do you make a tissue dance?
 You put a little boogie in it.

[Alex]

What’s the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wales?
 One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
 The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent!

A jumper cable walks into a bar.
 The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
 Nacho Cheese.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
 One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
 Nothing, they just waved!

What do you get from a pampered cow?
 Spoiled milk!

Why is 6 scared of 7?
 Because 7 ate 9 and 10!

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
 A stick!

[Alex]

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
 In case he gets a hole in one!

Have you heard the joke about the bed?
 It hasn’t been made up yet.

What do you call a fly without wings?
 A walk.

Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?
 He pasta way.

Why did the coffee file a police report?
 It got mugged.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
 He let out a little wine.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
 Great food, no atmosphere.

How does a penguin build it’s house?
 Igloos it together.

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
 An irrelephant!

What do you call a fat psychic?
 A four-chin teller.

[Alex]

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
 Follow the fresh prints.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
 It’s fine, he woke up.

What did the clock do when it was hungry?
 It went back four seconds.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
 It was sole destroying.

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek?
 You crack me up!

What do you call a person in a tree with a briefcase?
A branch manager!

What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach?
 It’s not you, it’s a-me, Mario!

What did the fried rice say to the shrimp?
Don’t wok away from me!

When does a joke become a dad joke?
 When it becomes apparent!

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything!

Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife?
 He needed his space!

Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs?
‘Cause the cow’s got the udder!

What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard?
“Supplies!”

Have you heard the one about the corduroy pillow?
It’s making headlines.


All from 110 of the worlds worst dad jokes.

[Alex]

Some jokes about Scotland by Scots (mostly). You may have to know what a real Scottish accent sounds like to understand some of them.

(Warning: adult humour ahead)

“There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter” – Billy Connolly


“Glasgow is a very negative place. If Kanye was born in Glasgow he would have been called No You Cannae” – Frankie Boyle


Man walks into a Glasgow pub and asks for a pint of lager with a dash of lime.

“We don’t do cocktails,” replies the barman.”

“What did the Scottish guy do with the trumpet buried in his garden? He rooted it oot.” – Sanjeev Kohli

Man lost in Edinburgh says to a policeman, “Excuse me is there a B&Q in Leith?”

Policeman replies, “No sir, but there are two Ds and two Es in Dundee.”

“In Scotland, we call a dog a dug. We take that O and make it a U. It’s a slang term, but it’s also a social implication in that you get dogs, then you get dugs. You get ‘aww, look at that wee dog”, then you get ‘watch that f***ing dug!'” – Kevin Bridges

“Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!” – Frankie Boyle

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.

“Comfy?” asks the dentist.

“Govan,” she replies.

“Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace” – Billy Connolly

“When serving an older Scottish man a tiny thimbleful of soup in a cafe, always double check that he said ‘just a soupçon’ & not ‘just a soup, son'” – Sanjeev Kohli

“In Glasgow, ‘how’ means ‘why’? You do not ponder why. You demand HOW?” – Kevin Bridges

“There will be a lot of people watching who will wonder what does a true Scotsman wear under his kilt, and I can tell you a true Scotsman will never tell you what he wears under his kilt. He will show you at the drop of a hat” – Fred MacCaulay

What is the difference between a Scottish sheep farmer and a Rolling Stones song?

One says, ‘Hey you, get off of my cloud!”, and the other says, ‘Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!’ – Reddit

“I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home” – Billy Connolly

The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland. When the Scottish waiter arrives with a tray of cakes, she asks, “Is that a scone, or a meringue?”

The waiter replies: “Naw, yer quite right, that’s a scone.”

“In Glasgow, ‘how’ means ‘why’? You do not ponder why. You demand HOW?” – Kevin Bridges

“We had the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow. A great choice of venue: a place where people think Hepatitis B is a vitamin” – Frankie Boyle

“Is it really folk dancing?” “Ach yes, folk dancing and enjoying themselves!” – Stanley Baxter

He decided to call his Scottish father-in-law the “Exorcist” because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear.

“I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. ‘Is it Scotch?’, I asked. ‘Why?’ the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?’. ‘In that case, have you got any wild duck?’. ‘No’, he responded, ‘but I’ve got one I could aggravate for you'” – Chic Murray

Why do pipers walk while they play?

To get away from the noise.

“Three of us went to a fancy dress party in Glasgow last night dressed as a giant sandwich. We managed to make it home in one piece” – Sanjeev Kohli

[On reasons to drink Irn Bru} “Water: it tastes of f*** all” – Limmy

“In Scotland we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. Because we all get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown.” – Frankie Boyle

“We invented the phone so we’re entitled to use the phone box however we see fit. If you invent something, you can p**s on it” – Kevin Bridges

[On Scottish independence] “David Beckham sent the people of Scotland an open letter. An open letter – because he couldn’t work out how to get it into an envelope” – Frankie Boyle

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

“No,” argues the assistant, “look at the label – it says Taiwan.”

They French cannae count – you ask for twa rolls and they give ye three.”

“The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk to a woman?” – Stephen Brown

“Edinburgh and Glasgow, same country, two very different cities. When a gun goes off in Edinburgh, it’s one o’clock” – Kevin Bridges

What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe? You can tune a lawn mower.

“Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common. they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.” – Frankie Boyle

[Alex]

What do you call a Dothraki riding a squid?

Khal Amari.

[Allhallowsday]

Gee and I thought I'd clicked on the joke thread... not DarkAlex's really long post... 

[Rev. Powell]

What's the difference between a hippo and a BIC?

One is a very heavy animal, the other is a little lighter.

[Svengoolie 3]

This could have gone in picture of the day but instead goes here.