The truly terrible joke thread

[Allhallowsday]

What do you call a one-legged woman? 
Peg. 
What do you call a one-legged woman not named Peg? 
Eileen. 
What do you call a one-legged Chinese woman? 
Irene.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a lake? 
Bob. 
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door? 
Matt. 
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? 
Art. 
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hot-tub? 
Stew.  (I wrote that one.  ) 

[Raffine]

Why do kittens make good television station announcers?




Because they have wee paws for station identification.

[Allhallowsday]

What did the Chinese couple call their retarded child?  
Sum Ting Wong.  

[Nukie 2]

So a punk says to another punk "Wot would ya do if a bird sh*t on ya"
the other punk said "Leave 'er!"

So a punk with a big mohawk gets on a train, and sits down, and in front of him is a business man,
and he notices the business man staring at him.
The punk says to him " Wot, you afraid to do anyfing radical wif your life mate?"
The business man replies " A matter a fact I have, I once f--ked a parrot, and I'm wondering if you're my son!"

[Trevor]

Two guys sitting fishing by a river, a crocodile swims past and bites the one's foot off.

First guy: "A crocodile just bit my foot off!"
Second guy: "Really? Which one?"
First guy: "I don't know. All these crocodiles look the same to me."   

[retrorussell]

2 married men, their wives, and a married gay couple all die and go to the gates of Heaven.  St. Peter awaits.  They all approach, seeking entrance.  St. Peter addresses the first married man: "I'm sorry, but I can't allow you passage.  You loved money too much.  In fact, you loved it so much you married a woman named Penny!"
Saddened, the man and his wife sit down on a cloud, sobbing.
St. Peter speaks to the other married man: "I'm sorry, but I can't let you in either.  You loved food too much.  In fact, you loved it so much you married a woman named Candy!"
The couple sits on a cloud next to the first couple and sobs uncontrollably.
The gay couple approach St. Peter.  One of them says to his lover, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

[Allhallowsday]

What's better than roses on a piano? 
Tulips on an organ. 

[Torgo]

Did you all hear about the man who had the entire left side of his body cut off?

He was all right.

[indianasmith]

How is an Egyptian mummy like a girl choking on lemonade?


They both have a sour cough, I guess!






(Say it out loud, and rather quickly, if you didn't get it!)

[Trevor]

How is an Egyptian mummy like a girl choking on lemonade?
They both have a sour cough, I guess!
(Say it out loud, and rather quickly, if you didn't get it!)

 

That one wrapped and bandaged me up in laughter. 

[zombie no.one]

A husband and wife book a holiday on a remote island. They check into their hotel, and spend the afternoon lazing by the pool.

As dusk approaches they start to hear the distant sound of drums coming from far away, gradually getting louder.

As the drums get louder, they suddenly notice all the local islanders starting to look more and more worried.

The drums continue on and on, and the islanders become frantic. One of them runs past shouting 'Dont Let The Drums Stop! Don't Let The Drums Stop!'

The husband and wife wonder what on earth's going on, so they walk up to an islander and ask him what happens when the drums stop, but his face turns to fear and he runs off screaming.

More desperate cries come from all around... 'Don't Let The Drums Stop! Don't Let The Drums Stop!'

They go up to another and ask him "What happens when the drums stop?", but he falls to the ground, frothing at the mouth.

Anxiously the couple grab another islander and beg with him: 'Please...Please... Tell us what happens when the drums stop???'

..his face fills with dread, his eyes bulge with fear, and with a petrified gasp he whispers......bass solo

[El Misfit]

What's good to serve, but not to eat?
A tennis ball.

[indianasmith]

If you ask a mummy to give you change for a quarter, and he hands you a dime and two nickels, what happened?



'E gypped you!!!!!!

[Allhallowsday]

LIBERACE could play the piano like no one in the world.  He was simply magnificent on the piano.  
LIBERACE was the greatest of all time on the piano.  But he sucked on the organ.  

[Chainsawmidget]

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went un-noticed last week.

Lawrence "Larry" LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died in his sleep of natural causes at the age of 93.

Despite his peaceful passing, the funeral preparations were rather traumatic for the family.  The main problem came from getting his body into the coffin.   

You see, first they put his left leg in ... and things just started going downhill from there.