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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Other Topics  |  Off Topic Discussion  |  The truly terrible joke thread « previous next »
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Author Topic: The truly terrible joke thread  (Read 405455 times)
Trevor
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« Reply #495 on: February 28, 2014, 03:32:32 AM »

A guy bought a ticket to the zoo.  He headed to the monkey cages first, but when he got there they were empty.  Then he headed to the reptile house, but it didn't have any reptiles in it either.  He looked around but there were no giraffes, no hippos, no alligators, no zebras, no nothing.  The only animal he could find it the whole zoo was a dog.  

It was a sh*tzu.




(sorry if the board censor messes up the punchline a little.)

 BounceGiggle TeddyR Thumbup
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I know I can make it on my own if I try, but I'm searching for the Great Heart
To stand me by, underneath the African sky
A Great Heart to stand me by.
zombie no.one
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Oookaay...


« Reply #496 on: March 01, 2014, 09:46:53 AM »


A Jesuit priest and a nun visited the local Indian tribe one day in order to get a better picture of their culture.  There were 5 chiefs sitting in a circle, each with a head dress adorned with 100 more feathers than the last.

The nun asks the first chief: "Why do you have 100 feathers in your bonnet"?
The chief replies " Me have 'em sex with 100 women in village, rock their world good!"

A bit taken back, the nun moves on to the other chiefs in succession, with 200, 300, and 400 feathers, and gets the same answer. Totally shocked at this point, she goes to the Big Chief with 500 feathers, and asks the same question.

"Me have 'em sex with 500 women in village, that's why me the Big Chief"! he says.

"Oh dear!" says the nun.

"No deer!" says the Big Chief. "Teeth too sharp, ass too high"!

really?

even in a thread titled 'truly terrible joke thread' this one is substandard...I think that's the winner  Drink
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indianasmith
Archeologist, Theologian, Elder Scrolls Addict, and a
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A good bad movie is like popcorn for the soul!


« Reply #497 on: March 01, 2014, 04:44:10 PM »

Quasimodo died after 50 years of ringing bells at Notre Dame cathedral.  The bishop held a try-out for the position, but none of the wannabe bell-ringers were anywhere nearly as good as Quasimodo had been.  Finally, one man stepped up to the head of the line and said "Your grace, I would like to be your new bell ringer!"

  The bishop said: "My son, that is not possible, you have no arms!"

  The man said "Just watch me!" and ran up the stairwell to the belfry and began smacking the bells with his face.  To the bishop's astonishment, the tone was beautiful, clear, and pure, and the man had an incredible sense of timing.

The bishop was about to tell him he was hired, when the armless man leaned out a bit too far, overbalanced, and fell to his death on the cathedral steps below.  The Bishop rushed down to find a crowd gathered.

   "Who was he, your grace?" one man asked.

   "I don't know his name," the Bishop replied, "But his face sure rings a bell!"




Wait . . . it's not over:

A week later another man showed up and asked to see the Bishop.

He explained: "The armless man who tried to be your new bell ringer was my brother.  I feel it is my family duty to try and take his place."

   "Your brother was very talented," the Bishop replied.  "Can you do as well as he did?"

  "Watch!" the man said, and ran up the stairs to the belfry.  He began ringing the bells one after another, using just the right amount of strength on the ropes to make the most beautiful tones imaginable.  The Bishop was about to tell him he was hired when the man tugged too hard on one of the ropes, which snapped, sending him too plummeting to his death.

  Again the bishop hurried down the stairwell.

  Someone in the crowd asked: "Who was it this time, your grace?"

  "I don't know his name," the Bishop replied, "But he's a dead ringer for his brother!"
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ER
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The sleep of reasoner breeds monsters. (sic)


« Reply #498 on: March 01, 2014, 07:13:16 PM »

Why can't elephants go skinny dipping?

They can't get their trunks off.
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What does not kill me makes me stranger.
Javakoala
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« Reply #499 on: March 01, 2014, 08:17:54 PM »

Question: How many lonely people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: Only one. <sigh>
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Allhallowsday
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Either he's dead or my watch has stopped!


« Reply #500 on: March 01, 2014, 09:04:56 PM »

Question: How many lonely people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: Only one. <sigh>
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb? 
Two. 
One to do it. 
One not to. 
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Javakoala
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« Reply #501 on: March 02, 2014, 01:16:07 AM »

Question: How many lonely people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: Only one. <sigh>
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb? 
Two. 
One to do it. 
One not to. 

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
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Umaril Has Returned
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« Reply #502 on: March 02, 2014, 02:22:06 PM »


A Jesuit priest and a nun visited the local Indian tribe one day in order to get a better picture of their culture.  There were 5 chiefs sitting in a circle, each with a head dress adorned with 100 more feathers than the last.

The nun asks the first chief: "Why do you have 100 feathers in your bonnet"?
The chief replies " Me have 'em sex with 100 women in village, rock their world good!"

A bit taken back, the nun moves on to the other chiefs in succession, with 200, 300, and 400 feathers, and gets the same answer. Totally shocked at this point, she goes to the Big Chief with 500 feathers, and asks the same question.

"Me have 'em sex with 500 women in village, that's why me the Big Chief"! he says.

"Oh dear!" says the nun.

"No deer!" says the Big Chief. "Teeth too sharp, ass too high"!

really?

even in a thread titled 'truly terrible joke thread' this one is substandard...I think that's the winner  Drink

Yeah, yeah.... BounceGiggle

OK then, Mr. Joke Critic, how about this one.  A Buddhist walks into a pizza shop and says to the waiter, "make me one with everything"!    TongueOut
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ER
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The sleep of reasoner breeds monsters. (sic)


« Reply #503 on: March 03, 2014, 03:36:52 PM »

When ducks fly in a "V" shape, why is one end always longer than the other?

Because there are more ducks on that side.
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What does not kill me makes me stranger.
Javakoala
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« Reply #504 on: March 03, 2014, 06:55:45 PM »

When ducks fly in a "V" shape, why is one end always longer than the other?

Because there are more ducks on that side.

Oh, man, that joke quacked me up.  Cheers
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ER
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The sleep of reasoner breeds monsters. (sic)


« Reply #505 on: March 09, 2014, 12:14:29 AM »

Why did the toaster salute the stove?

Because the stove was General Electric.
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What does not kill me makes me stranger.
alandhopewell
A NorthCoaster In Texas
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Hey....white women were in season.


WWW
« Reply #506 on: March 18, 2014, 11:43:47 AM »

     A scientist perfected the process of cloning, and decided to use himself as the subject. The experiment was a success, with one hitch-the clone was insane, and escaped, running down the street, cussing at everyone. The scientist gave chase, and caught up with the clone atop a five story building. The two of them grappled for hours, until, with a mighty shove, the scientist pushed the clone over the edge, where it plummeted to its death.

     The poilce rushed out onto the roof, and took the scientist into custody.
"Am I being arrested for murder?" asked the scientist. "No", said the arresting officer,
"for making an obscene clone fall."
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If it's true what they say, that GOD created us in His image, then why should we not love creating, and why should we not continue to do so, as carefully and ethically as we can, on whatever scale we're capable of?

     The choice is simple; refuse to create, and refuse to grow, or build, with care and love.
Umaril Has Returned
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« Reply #507 on: March 19, 2014, 03:54:22 PM »

An old Jewish man bought a lottery ticket.   When the drawing came, the man won 10 million dollars.  When he went on TV, he said:

"I'd like to thank Adolf Hitler and the Nazis for giving me this opportunity".

The newswoman, shocked at his response, said,  "Why in the world would you thank the Nazis?"  The old man raised his forearm and said, "they gave me the winning number!"
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Javakoala
Guest
« Reply #508 on: March 19, 2014, 06:40:02 PM »

An old Jewish man bought a lottery ticket.   When the drawing came, the man won 10 million dollars.  When he went on TV, he said:

"I'd like to thank Adolf Hitler and the Nazis for giving me this opportunity".

The newswoman, shocked at his response, said,  "Why in the world would you thank the Nazis?"  The old man raised his forearm and said, "they gave me the winning number!"

Ouch.
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Derf
Crazy Rabbity Thingy
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Lagomorphs: menace or underutilized resource?


« Reply #509 on: March 20, 2014, 07:21:39 AM »


OK then, Mr. Joke Critic, how about this one.  A Buddhist walks into a pizza shop and says to the waiter, "make me one with everything"!    TongueOut

And the sequel joke: The Buddhist pays for his pizza with a fifty-dollar bill, and the waiter pockets it. The Buddhist asks for change. The waiter replies, "Change comes from within."
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"They tap dance not, neither do they fart." --Greensleeves, on the Fig Men of the Imagination, in "Twice Upon a Time."
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