The truly terrible joke thread

[ER]

How'd they know Hugh Hefner was dead?

He went stiff without a viagra.

[javakoala]

How'd they know Hugh Hefner was dead?

He went stiff without a viagra.

How long have you been sitting on that one?

[ER]

How'd they know Hugh Hefner was dead?

He went stiff without a viagra.

How long have you been sitting on that one?

Shrug, it just came to me.

[AoTFan]

Did you know that sometimes teachers make great hookers?  Because you know teachers, they make you do stuff over and over again until you get it right.

[El Misfit]

Someone broke in to my house and stole my limbo trophy. Just how low can they go?

[AoTFan]

Why does Harvey Weinstein always cry during sex?

Because of the mace.

[El Misfit]

Balloons take up more space relative to their cost than any other products sold in the last century, adjusted for inflation.

Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her "On which day will I die?" The seeress assured him that he will die on a Jewish holiday. "Why are you so sure of that?" demanded Hitler. "Any day", she replied, "on which you die will become a Jewish holiday."

[Alex]

I went to see a hypnotists show last night. At one point he had seven guys hypnotised. Then he accidently dropped his mike on his foot and yelled "f**k ME!"

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

[Trevor]

I went to see a hypnotists show last night. At one point he had seven guys hypnotised. Then he accidently dropped his mike on his foot and yelled "f**k ME!"

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

LOL: I needed that laugh. 

Hopefully they were all hunks 

[Pacman000]

"Do you always Nickle and Dime everyone?"

"Yes sir; this is a five and ten cent store."

[AoTFan]

A guy is sitting at a bar in the Penthouse on the 30th floor of a fancy hotel.  A woman walks up to him and says, "Hey, sailor, what cha drinking?"

"Oh, nothing," the guy replies, "Except for this... magic beer!"

"What?" the girl says, incredulous.  "No way!"

"Yes," the guy says, "I'm dead serious.  This beer is MAGIC.  What this." 

The guy downs the rest of his beer, runs over to a nearby window, opens it, jumps out and starts FLYING around.  After about a minute, he comes back in.

"WOW!" says the girl, "That's amazing!  I want to try some of that!"

"Barkeep!" says the man, "Give the lady one of what I'm having."

The barkeep comes over and gives the lady a beer.  She promptly downs it, runs over to the windows,  yells, "Watch me!" and jumps out.

She then promptly falls into the ground below.

The barkeeper sighs heavily and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real a***ole when you're drunk!"

[BoyScoutKevin]

A guy is sitting at a bar in the Penthouse on the 30th floor of a fancy hotel.  A woman walks up to him and says, "Hey, sailor, what cha drinking?"

"Oh, nothing," the guy replies, "Except for this... magic beer!"

"What?" the girl says, incredulous.  "No way!"

"Yes," the guy says, "I'm dead serious.  This beer is MAGIC.  What this." 

The guy downs the rest of his beer, runs over to a nearby window, opens it, jumps out and starts FLYING around.  After about a minute, he comes back in.

"WOW!" says the girl, "That's amazing!  I want to try some of that!"

"Barkeep!" says the man, "Give the lady one of what I'm having."

The barkeep comes over and gives the lady a beer.  She promptly downs it, runs over to the windows,  yells, "Watch me!" and jumps out.

She then promptly falls into the ground below.

The barkeeper sighs heavily and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real a***ole when you're drunk!"

I haven't seen it, but from what I read of the reviews so far, the latest "Justice League" would drive anyone to drink, even Superman.

[Rev. Powell]

G.W. Bush, Obama and Trump all die and go before God to be judged.

God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"
Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
"Very well", says God. "Come sit to my right."

Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all."
"Good", says God. "You shall sit to my left."

Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?"

Trump answers: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."

[AoTFan]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

The guy asks, "Why do you say that?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

[indianasmith]

Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on the side?


So they can Scandanavian!!  (say it slow)