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May 29, 2017, 06:28:55 AM
579715 Posts in 44628 Topics by 5868 Members
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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Other Topics  |  Off Topic Discussion  |  The truly terrible joke thread « previous next »
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Author Topic: The truly terrible joke thread  (Read 85489 times)
El Misfit
The bullsh*t meter is up high ಠ__ಠ
B-Movie Kraken
*****

Karma: 844
Posts: 11369


Hi there!


« Reply #615 on: April 16, 2017, 06:14:19 PM »

I used to have a problem with deli meat. My doctor told me to quit cold turkey.


An Eglishman, Frenchman, Spaniard, and German are watching a magician perform a disappearing act. When the magician asks them if they can still see him, they respond as followed:
Yes
Oui

Ja
Logged

yeah no.
AoTFan
Bad Movie Lover
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Karma: 69
Posts: 602



« Reply #616 on: April 17, 2017, 03:20:07 AM »


What's a bigamist?

Italian Fog.

(Ay big ah mist!)
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ER
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 539
Posts: 3091


Mary Poppins Fan


« Reply #617 on: April 17, 2017, 09:57:31 AM »

I have to help proliferate this "TRULY" truly terrible joke, since my friend Rob says he thought it up and seems rather, uh, proud of it.


A bar walks into a guy.

"Hey, I think you're telling this joke wrong," said the guy.

The bar answered, "Not in Bizarro World, Superman."
Logged

DEATH be not proud, though some have called thee  
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,  
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,  
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me.... 
   
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell...

One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,   
And death shall be no more; death thou shalt die.
ER
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 539
Posts: 3091


Mary Poppins Fan


« Reply #618 on: April 18, 2017, 12:58:03 PM »

A traveling salesman went into a brothel, laid down a grand and said, "For the next fifteen minutes, give me the least skilled woman you have here."

The Madam said, "Sir, for a thousand dollars for fifteen minutes you can have the best in the house."

"No, lady," the salesman said, "I'll take the worst, because I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
Logged

DEATH be not proud, though some have called thee  
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,  
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,  
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me.... 
   
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell...

One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,   
And death shall be no more; death thou shalt die.
Chainsaw midget
Probably Not Insane
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 308
Posts: 2138



« Reply #619 on: April 18, 2017, 02:59:48 PM »

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

What did the Pirate say when he turned 80?  "Aye Matey."
« Last Edit: April 18, 2017, 03:45:32 PM by Chainsaw midget » Logged

Terms & Conditions:  By reading this signature, you, the reader willfully acknowledge that you owe me a dollar.
AoTFan
Bad Movie Lover
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Karma: 69
Posts: 602



« Reply #620 on: April 18, 2017, 06:58:24 PM »

Never fart in the Apple/Ipod store.  Why?  Because they don't have Windows.
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ER
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 539
Posts: 3091


Mary Poppins Fan


« Reply #621 on: May 08, 2017, 11:19:15 AM »

A man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, my privates are swollen and red and they hurt all the time."

The doctor had a look, saw the man was right about that area being red and inflammed, so he asked, "Have you been hit in the groin lately?"

"Well," the man said, "I got fired about three months ago for getting into a brawl with my supervisor, who tried to kick me in the crotch, but I blocked it, so no."

"Well," the doctor tried again, "have you perhaps had relations lately with anyone you didn't know too well?"

"No," said the man, "since I got divorced after losing my job, I haven't been with anyone."

"Huh," said the doctor, "sometimes stress affects the body in strange ways, and losing your job and getting divorced might be stressful enough to turn your privates red, sore, and swollen. Would you say you've felt stressed out lately."

"Nah," the man said, "no stress whatsoever. Why since I got divorced and lost my job, all I do is sit around all day and relax and watch porn, nonstop....."
Logged

DEATH be not proud, though some have called thee  
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,  
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,  
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me.... 
   
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell...

One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,   
And death shall be no more; death thou shalt die.
El Misfit
The bullsh*t meter is up high ಠ__ಠ
B-Movie Kraken
*****

Karma: 844
Posts: 11369


Hi there!


« Reply #622 on: May 17, 2017, 09:18:22 AM »

A koala bear is sitting in a tree smoking a joint. A lizard walks pass and looks up, asking the koala what he's doing. The koala said he smoking and asks the lizard to join him. So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and have a joint. After a while the lizard gets "desert mouth" and goes to the riverbed for a drink. The lizard, being stoned out of his mind, falls in the  river. A crocodile nearby sees this and helps the lizard out of the water. The crocodile asks the lizard what's the matter with him, so the lizard explains how he met up with the koala and had a joint. The crocodile said that he has to go see this and goes to the tree where the koala is. The crocodile yells "HEY KOALA!" and the koala looks down and said "f**k dude, how much did you drink?"
Logged

yeah no.
ER
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 539
Posts: 3091


Mary Poppins Fan


« Reply #623 on: May 17, 2017, 02:12:30 PM »


My Uncle Lark told me this at his Kentucky Derby party, so I have to proliferate it.



A man from Alabama dies and is depressed to find himself in Hell.

"Why so down?" his neighbor in Hades, a New Yorker, asks.

"Uh, I'm in Hell???" the man from 'Bama answers.

"No, Hell is awesome," the New Yorker tells him. "Do you like to drink?"

"Well, yeah," the Alabama man says. "I like my beer and whisky."

"Great! Why every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday night we all get wasted drunk down here at a giant open bar, and when we wake up, no hangover because we're dead!"

"Wow," the Alabama fellow says, taken aback.

"So," asks the former New York resident, "do you like to gamble?"

"Sure, gambling was always fun," said the Alabama man. "I was known to lose a few weekends in Vegas here and there."

"You're in luck then, my friend, because every Thursday night the boss opens the casino here. Blackjack, roulette, loose slots, you name it. And if you lose your shirt, who cares, we're already dead!"

Warming to the idea of Hell just a bit, the Alabama man asks, "So what about Friday night?"

"Do you like to do drugs?" the New Yorker quizzes enthusiastically.

"Yeah, I smoked and snorted a bit in my younger days and it was always a good time," said the man from Alabama."

"Awesome!" the New Yorker cheered. "You are gonna love it then. Every Friday Satan and his minions roll fat joints and pass them around with anything else you can shoot, swallow or inhale to get high. If we overdose, who cares, we're already dead!"

"Wow, just...wow," said the Alabama man.

"So," the New Yorker said at last. "Are you into rough, hard gay sex?"

"No! Not at all!" said the Alabaman, recoiling.

"Ooooh," said the New Yorker apologetically, "then you're gonna hate the weekends..."

Logged

DEATH be not proud, though some have called thee  
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,  
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,  
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me.... 
   
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell...

One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,   
And death shall be no more; death thou shalt die.
indianasmith
Archeologist, Theologian, Elder Scrolls Addict, and a
B-Movie Kraken
*****

Karma: 1690
Posts: 10427


A good bad movie is like popcorn for the soul!


« Reply #624 on: May 17, 2017, 05:00:37 PM »

Did you hear about the guy who compulsively caught wild coneys and dressed them up like nuns?

He said it became a force of habit to find a rabbit, grab it, and make it wear a habit!
Logged

"Carpe diem!" - Seize the day!  "Carpe per diem!" - Seize the daily living allowance! "Carpe carp!" - Seize the fish!
"Carpe Ngo Diem!" - Seize the South Vietnamese Dictator!
AoTFan
Bad Movie Lover
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Karma: 69
Posts: 602



« Reply #625 on: May 23, 2017, 11:14:35 AM »


Why were blondes stealing police cars?

They saw "911" on the side and thought they were Porsches. 
Logged
El Misfit
The bullsh*t meter is up high ಠ__ಠ
B-Movie Kraken
*****

Karma: 844
Posts: 11369


Hi there!


« Reply #626 on: May 27, 2017, 03:03:46 PM »

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing?

What's the difference between in laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
Logged

yeah no.
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