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Latest Member: retiredblue Forum  |  Other Topics  |  Off Topic Discussion  |  Bad Writing At Its Best « previous next »
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Author Topic: Bad Writing At Its Best  (Read 663 times)
Bad Movie Lover

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« on: June 27, 2010, 07:59:39 AM »

I was thumbing through one of our small hometown papers and came across this article and just had to share. These are metaphors from student essays:

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides compressed by train doors.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame.  Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

The ballerina rose gracefully enpointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

He was deeply in love.  When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

And last, but not least:  It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.


Hold onto your dreams ....
Mostly Harmless. Mostly.
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

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I want to be Ripley when I grow up.

« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2010, 08:08:45 AM »

 Thumbup Thumbup Thumbup BounceGiggle BounceGiggle :bouncegiggle:Those are too good!
 They remind me of the winners in the Bulwer-Lytton contest:

"May I offer you a Peek Frean?" - Walter Bishop
"Thank you for appreciating my descent into deviant behavior, Mr. Reese." - Harold Finch
Rev. Powell
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B-Movie Kraken

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Click on that globe for 366 Weird Movies

« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2010, 08:21:38 AM »

I think these have been making the rounds on the Internet for years.  I found a blog post with some of the same ones, along with these new ones:

"His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it, and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature beef.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 instead of 7:30."

Even though these example supposedly come from students, I recognize at least one from an old column in National Lampoon called "From the Slushpile."  The column appeared maybe 4 times a year and was written by an anonymous editor of a publishing house who pulled out the worst examples of writing from rejected manuscripts.

"Clive [Barker]'s idea of a great time is to have a nightmare about a woman with three heads and no skin who flays your body with a pitchfork. To give you some idea, NIGHTBREED has over 200 pus monsters, including one guy with a crescent moonhead like the McDonald's commercial and a fat guy with snakes that pop out of his stomach and eat your face off, and these are the GOOD GUYS. These are the people we're supposed to LIKE."-Joe Bob on NIGHTBREED
Archeologist, Theologian, Elder Scrolls Addict, and a
B-Movie Kraken

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A good bad movie is like popcorn for the soul!

« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2010, 08:55:14 AM »

I have several copies of this list in my four inch thick "Humor File" at school.  Each one seems to have a few on it the others don't - such as:

"He knew he would be hunted down like a dog - in some bizarre place where they actually hunt dogs."

"Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze."

"Carpe diem!" - Seize the day!  "Carpe per diem!" - Seize the daily living allowance! "Carpe carp!" - Seize the fish!
"Carpe Ngo Diem!" - Seize the South Vietnamese Dictator!
Crazy Rabbity Thingy
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

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Lagomorphs: menace or underutilized resource?

« Reply #4 on: June 27, 2010, 01:29:48 PM »

These may not be new, but there are a few here I hadn't seen before. Thanks! I love this kind of stuff.

"They tap dance not, neither do they fart." --Greensleeves, on the Fig Men of the Imagination, in "Twice Upon a Time."
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

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« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2010, 08:31:27 PM »

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

I love that one, it's like some kid just discovered Vonnegut and wants SO BADLY to write like him!

Through the darkness of future past
The magician longs to see
One chance opts between two worlds
Fire walk with me
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

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« Reply #6 on: June 28, 2010, 04:31:00 AM »

Those are actually really good, if they were writing them to make people laugh.
Bustin' makes me feel good !
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

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I've seen things you people couldn't imagine...

« Reply #7 on: June 28, 2010, 10:49:00 AM »

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Well, we've all been there !!!   Question


If God exists, why did he make me an atheist? Thats His first mistake.
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

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« Reply #8 on: June 28, 2010, 10:49:56 AM »

some guy on NPR years ago had a ton of them. One I remember: how brave a bright red backside?

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