Fart stories

[Joe the Destroyer]

CAUTION:
You are about to enter territory that is likely to be rife with tasteless college humor that shall possibly melt away your IQ.  It is therefore requested that you chase visits to this thread with splashes of high end literature.  Might I recommend Infinite Jest, Moby Dick, or Pride and Prejudice? 

Anyway, you probably know the drill by reading the topic title.

The hospital I work at is home to some of the greatest, most epic fart stories ever told:

I have come to refer to the seventh and eighth floor collectively as "Code Brown Town."  This is due to the fact that these are the areas that people are most likely to have surprise bowel movements, and as you can imagine they smell very ripe.  I'm on the eighth, about to get onto the transport elevators with a stretcher, and the next thing I know I have this bad stomachache.  I stand there for a minute, listen down the hall for anyone coming, and cut a rank one.  The elevator chimes, signifying that one has just arrived, and I think, "God, I hope no one's on there."  One of my fellow transporters, a fairly cute girl, steps off the elevator and says, "God, it always stinks on this floor."  I jetted onto the car as quickly as possible and hit the buttons faster than I could think.  Of course, I laughed all the way down.

Another guy cut a very quiet one in an ICU room while the nurse was getting a patient ready to transfer him upstairs.  The transporter stood off to the back and waited with his best poker face.  All of the sudden, the nurse gets an ugly look on her face and says, "Dammit, he just had a bowel movement and I just got done cleaning him up."  The transporter tried not to laugh while she flipped the guy over to check his butt. 

[Mr. DS]

I too work in a hospital and know of the smells it brings.

Theres a stairwell right next to my office and it proves to be farting central for many people in my department.  Though hardly anyone admits it.  I choose to do it there if I have a real ripper coming on.  I love the way it echoes up the 3 flights of empty stairs. 

I usually fart much more in the morning and they're usually silent and ripe.   It kind of works out simply because I eat eggs with my breakfast.  I have blamed more hard boiled eggs on farts than one man should. 

Probably the best fart story I can tell though is based around my father.  My dad's farts were always epic in nature and were easily distinguishable by sound.  One day we walked into a store.  My father said, "I'm gonig to go in the back to check something out."  Seconds later we heard a massive fart coming from the back of the store.  My mother and I start laughing because we knew who it was.  Seconds after that my dad comes around the corner with a goofy smile on his face.   That story always makes me smile when I think of it.

[Allhallowsday]

Well, I was once in a journalism class in college, with an admirable and equally obnoxious professor in a wheelchair.  The classroom did not have very many students in it, and just myself and this hang-dog character sat on the left side of the classroom, he was just to my left, a student who never participated, and kept his hair-in-his-face head down through most of the classes.  One day, I felt one coming on, which I figured I could squeeze out real slow and quiet-like.  OOPS!!    
BLLAAARRTTT!!!
Man!  That was Luh-LOUD!!  The professor shot her head around, glaring at me, while I sunk lower in my seat, hiding my head in my book, my face burning, but turning my head to the mope, as if he'd done the deed... and the professor turned from me to him and gave him the dirtiest look while he continued to slouch...  
 Afterall, I was her favorite and it must have been the slouch!!    
I still laugh at that... and turn red with embarrassment.  

[The Burgomaster]

* When I was a teenager I let one go and my best friend said, "You have the stinkingest farts I ever met."

* Shortly after I met my wife we were at her apartment one night eating Chinese food.  I released a fart so putrid that she had to open the window and stick her head outside . . . in the middle of a blizzard.  But she married me anyway.  And that, my friends, is LOVE.

* One morning a few winters ago I was snow blowing the driveway.  I was wearing light gray sweat pants.  I got a stomach ache and farted.  Eventually, my wife came to the door, looked at me, and said, "Did you s**t your pants?"  I took a peek and saw a dark wet patch on the butt of my sweat pants (and I suppose all my neighbors walking or driving by going to work or school saw it too).  I suppose I felt the moisture after I farted but I was probably hoping I was just wet from all the snow . . .


  

[Mr. DS]

Babies I find realease some of the loudest farts known to mankind.  My middle baby Alex was being fed by my wife when he was about a month old and no lie, he let a fart that I swear lasted over 10 seconds.  I, half asleep at the time, poked my head up and asked my wife if that was her.  She confirmed it was the baby.

[Newt]

Farts are funny because of the social discomfort associated with them: we laugh because of the incongruity of fart and context and because the tension just cannot be maintained.  It's all about release.  

(Warning: This might be one of those "you had to be there" moments.  I apologise if the humour in it is less accessible to others.)

My youngest brother died unexpectedly several years back, under circumstances that made his death even more stressful for the family than it would naturally have been.  My husband and I drove to the funeral; about 700 miles.

My dad and my brother had been very close.  It became very important to my dad that someone take care of my brother's beloved dog.  An elderly, half-blind, deaf, arthritic, grouchy Dalmatian with digestive issues.  It was February and the airlines would not take a dog in cold weather...and as we were the only ones who had come in a car we ended up being the only option.

We drove home through the blackest night with that dog on her blankets in the back seat.  One shot, through northern Wisconsin and Michigan to Canada, in February, with ALL the windows down - in February - because the dog was smoking us out every few minutes.  In February.  Something on the order of eleven hours with a dog farting away in the back seat (some were silent-but-deadly, others she ripped off like a Texan trucker at a chili contest...and stink - guaranteed to peel paint at fifty paces!) with all the windows wide open; in February.  Oh: and she had to have frequent potty stops too.    This became one of the most hysterically funny situations we have been in - more so because the emotions had already been torqued so high and we were punchy from lack of sleep.  Every time that animal cut one we groaned and collapsed in laughter, tears running down our faces, flying down the highways toward home with the windows open.  In February.  The situation was just 'too much'.  Just thinking about it, even now, dissolves us in fits of laughter.

We got through customs in record time, as I recall.  Man, that dog stank.

(Epilogue: the dog had a very happy year with us, a better life than she might have had, learning to be a dog on a farm before she had to be euthanized when she developed a rapidly-growing tumour.  So I guess it was worth a few hours of discomfort.)

[Paquita]

Oh Newt!  That's the sweetest fart story I ever heard!  It literally brought a tear to my eye.

[claws]

During Confirmation class at our church my sister's best friend cut the cheese, boldly blaming the outcast from our class. He was the kind of boy not dressed well and not very much into personal hygiene. Plus he always had a runny nose with visible green bubble snot, and one of his nostrils always had a crusty ring of dried boogers.
Our Teacher was a very enthusiastic pastor in his late 40s dressed in black with a weird, gigantic and ready-to-pop pimple on his forehead. He also had a temper and would occasionally "lose" it during class, resulting into screaming madman rage fits.
After my sister's friend blamed the outcast for farting our pastor lost it again, giving him a hysteric lecture on behavior in class. After that he was send outside for 15 minutes. His revenge after class was chasing my sister's friend with, you might have guessed it, his finger dipped in snot.

[Flick James]

Babies I find realease some of the loudest farts known to mankind.  My middle baby Alex was being fed by my wife when he was about a month old and no lie, he let a fart that I swear lasted over 10 seconds.  I, half asleep at the time, poked my head up and asked my wife if that was her.  She confirmed it was the baby.

True that. My 2-month-old let's out some farts of such volume as to make a frat boy jealous. My 2 1/2 year old laughs hysterically every time.

[Mr. DS]

Babies I find realease some of the loudest farts known to mankind.  My middle baby Alex was being fed by my wife when he was about a month old and no lie, he let a fart that I swear lasted over 10 seconds.  I, half asleep at the time, poked my head up and asked my wife if that was her.  She confirmed it was the baby.

True that. My 2-month-old let's out some farts of such volume as to make a frat boy jealous. My 2 1/2 year old laughs hysterically every time.

My month old daughter is a big time farter.  Never burps...just farts.  Very unlady like.

[Silverlady]

Babies I find realease some of the loudest farts known to mankind.  My middle baby Alex was being fed by my wife when he was about a month old and no lie, he let a fart that I swear lasted over 10 seconds.  I, half asleep at the time, poked my head up and asked my wife if that was her.  She confirmed it was the baby.

True that. My 2-month-old let's out some farts of such volume as to make a frat boy jealous. My 2 1/2 year old laughs hysterically every time.

My month old daughter is a big time farter.  Never burps...just farts.  Very unlady like.

Wow, DS.  She's a month old already?

[Flick James]

Babies I find realease some of the loudest farts known to mankind.  My middle baby Alex was being fed by my wife when he was about a month old and no lie, he let a fart that I swear lasted over 10 seconds.  I, half asleep at the time, poked my head up and asked my wife if that was her.  She confirmed it was the baby.

True that. My 2-month-old let's out some farts of such volume as to make a frat boy jealous. My 2 1/2 year old laughs hysterically every time.

My month old daughter is a big time farter.  Never burps...just farts.  Very unlady like.

Well then, they can get together for a fart-off. I'll bring the beer. You like Coors Light, yes?

[Joe the Destroyer]

My fiancee and I walked out of her old apartment and she let a loud one go.  The neighbor looked immediately in our direction, and my fiancee got embarrassed.

She said, "Joe!"

I said, "Sorry."

[Ash]

At one of my old jobs I had to resist the urge to fart in my boss's face.

She was around 60 years old, had short bright red curly hair, and always talked to me in a condescending tone.  One time she had pulled me into her office and was giving me a written warning (because I had screwed up while verifying a sale), I seriously considered getting up and ripping a big fart right in her face.
She's sitting down and going on about this and that and all I could think about was how she'd react to my fart and me getting fired and escorted off the premises.  I was laughing inside,   

I was really going to do it, too.  But chickened out at the last moment.

[Trevor]

At one of my old jobs I had to resist the urge to fart in my boss's face.

She was around 60 years old and always talked to me in a condescending tone.  One time she had pulled me into her office and was giving me a written warning (because I had screwed up while verifying a sale), I seriously considered getting up and ripping a big fart right in her face.
She's sitting down and going on about this and that and all I could think about was how she'd react to my fart and me getting fired and escorted off the premises.  I was laughing inside,   

I was really going to do it, too.  But chickened out at the last moment.

 

Ash, I'm not on speaking terms with my boss at the moment: so please come and drop one here for me. 

My farts are known to be classed in the 'silent but violent' category.