Anyone here divorced?

[Rev. Powell]

This may seem like an odd topic.  I am handling my first divorce case, and it made me wonder if anyone here has gone through a divorce, and if so what the experience was like?

I'm particularly interested in the legal side of things: if you retained a lawyer, what he or she did that made you like or dislike them, whether you and your spouse parted amicably or fought tooth and nail, what court appearances were like (if you had any), and what the financial burden was. 

Of course I'd like to hear about the emotional part as well, since that will help me better understand what my client is going through. 

I personally have never been married, and therefore never divorced.  But the really unusual thing, considering the divorce rate in this country, is that I have never had any friends or family who've gone through a divorce.  So I am actually nearly clueless about divorce as a practical matter rather than a legal theory.     

I will add that many lawyers I have talked to absolutely hate doing divorces, because the clients get emotional and vindictive, make legally irrelevant complaints about about their spouses all the time, and oftentimes the private histories between the exes are just icky to get into. 

[3mnkids]

I hope it goes well for you and you don't have people like the Roses for clients. I've been divorced but wont be much help. I didn't have an attorney but used a paralegal to handle filing the paperwork. It was pretty straightforward. I gave him everything(not that we had anything) and he got to pay for it all.      No spousal support and we didn't have children.

We had one court appearance and it was over in about 5 minutes.

The emotional side was this.. I was thrilled when my divorce was final. He was a violent alcoholic and I spent everyday of our last year together hating him. Seriously, I hated him.

[Rev. Powell]

3mnkids, thanks for sharing that.  I hope this divorce goes as smoothly as yours.  There are no kids, not a lot of marital assets and I do not believe the opposing party seriously opposes the motion. 

Since your situation was that bad, I'm happy that you got out of it. 

[Ash]

I think divorce is one of the reasons why I'm 36 years old and have never married.  I've had one especially painful breakup and can only imagine what it'd be like to go through a divorce.  They say that along with the death of a loved one, divorce is one of the most stressful things a person can go through.

One friend of mine stated it perfectly when he said to me, "When you get married it's all about the law.  Everything revolves around legality when you get married."
He's been married and divorced twice.

Honestly, that doesn't sound good to me.
I'm leaning towards de facto or "common law" marriage if I can find the right woman.

I don't ever want to have to go through the pain of divorce.

[AndyC]

At 36, you probably stand a better chance of making a go of it. I got married at 32, and the great thing about it was we'd both had a chance to grow up and look for compatibility and friendship first. I'd done more than my share of drinking and partying, and we were both on the same page in terms of wanting a family. We still argue, but when we have that fundamental agreement, the other differences are not beyond sorting out. I think marriages don't last because people get married when they're young and horny, not ready to settle down and think they want to play house. I have a friend whose first marriage was kaput before I even knew about it, and a subsequent common-law union didn't last either, because he goes out, sees a woman he finds attractive, hooks up with her, falls in love, and then the two of them go off and buy real estate together while they're still running on hormones and can't look critically at each other. The only thing unusual about him is he's pushing 40. I don't think the majority of couples under 25 are capable of doing much better.

On the other hand, I know a few people who had a bad experience with their first marriage, tried again older, wiser, better at handling conflict, and more sure of what they needed, and it worked out great for them.

The only thing I envy about people who marry young is that when it does work, their kids are reasonably independent before they reach middle age, and they can have time for themselves, or enjoy a lot more things together. And they get lots more time with the grandkids. That's probably my only regret at getting married a little older, is I'll be in my late 50s before I'm likely to have grandkids.

[meQal]

Having been married 3 times in my life, I have had two marriages end by the only two ways they can, divorce and death of a spouse. Divorce is easier that the other.
My first wife, I divorced after catching her in the bed with her crack dealer. Yep, if you have a chance to marry a crackhead, I suggest you pass on that one. I tossed her out of the house nude after I choke slammed him down a flight of stairs. So emotionally I was p**sed off. Then I found out she was sleeping with several other guys to get drug money. One she had break into the appointment after she was tossed out to let her mother and brothers in to take out a lot of the furniture. I later put him in the hospital and permanently disabled him. (fortunately he had some serious warrants out on him so no cops were called) So you can say I had some anger over it.
It was not too nasty because she failed to appear in court. She was either turning tricks for crack money or in a crack house. Don't really care which it was to be honest. I was awarded everything and never had to see her again. Granted years later I did get a chance to beat the crap out of her brothers who tried to take out all the furniture. Even tossed one on a pool table and tried to set it on fire. Learned that felt doesn't reall burn, it jsut melts and smells really bad. (yep, I did get busted for that but charges were dropped when it was discovered that it was 6 of them including her uncle and two cousins who tried to jump me in a bar. This is why realy small out of shape guys should never try to take on a big guy who works on a right of ay crew removing trees. But that was 20 years ago.)

[zombie no.one]

   erm...okaay...

p.s. will you marry me?

[Rev. Powell]

Having been married 3 times in my life, I have had two marriages end by the only two ways they can, divorce and death of a spouse. Divorce is easier that the other.
My first wife, I divorced after catching her in the bed with her crack dealer. Yep, if you have a chance to marry a crackhead, I suggest you pass on that one. I tossed her out of the house nude after I choke slammed him down a flight of stairs. So emotionally I was p**sed off. Then I found out she was sleeping with several other guys to get drug money. One she had break into the appointment after she was tossed out to let her mother and brothers in to take out a lot of the furniture. I later put him in the hospital and permanently disabled him. (fortunately he had some serious warrants out on him so no cops were called) So you can say I had some anger over it.
It was not too nasty because she failed to appear in court. She was either turning tricks for crack money or in a crack house. Don't really care which it was to be honest. I was awarded everything and never had to see her again. Granted years later I did get a chance to beat the crap out of her brothers who tried to take out all the furniture. Even tossed one on a pool table and tried to set it on fire. Learned that felt doesn't reall burn, it jsut melts and smells really bad. (yep, I did get busted for that but charges were dropped when it was discovered that it was 6 of them including her uncle and two cousins who tried to jump me in a bar. This is why realy small out of shape guys should never try to take on a big guy who works on a right of ay crew removing trees. But that was 20 years ago.)

No offense intended meQal, but I am glad you were not my client!  That is the kind of messy, unpleasant, emotional situation that makes lawyers hate doing divorces.  But thanks for sharing your story.

[meQal]

Having been married 3 times in my life, I have had two marriages end by the only two ways they can, divorce and death of a spouse. Divorce is easier that the other.
My first wife, I divorced after catching her in the bed with her crack dealer. Yep, if you have a chance to marry a crackhead, I suggest you pass on that one. I tossed her out of the house nude after I choke slammed him down a flight of stairs. So emotionally I was p**sed off. Then I found out she was sleeping with several other guys to get drug money. One she had break into the appointment after she was tossed out to let her mother and brothers in to take out a lot of the furniture. I later put him in the hospital and permanently disabled him. (fortunately he had some serious warrants out on him so no cops were called) So you can say I had some anger over it.
It was not too nasty because she failed to appear in court. She was either turning tricks for crack money or in a crack house. Don't really care which it was to be honest. I was awarded everything and never had to see her again. Granted years later I did get a chance to beat the crap out of her brothers who tried to take out all the furniture. Even tossed one on a pool table and tried to set it on fire. Learned that felt doesn't reall burn, it jsut melts and smells really bad. (yep, I did get busted for that but charges were dropped when it was discovered that it was 6 of them including her uncle and two cousins who tried to jump me in a bar. This is why realy small out of shape guys should never try to take on a big guy who works on a right of ay crew removing trees. But that was 20 years ago.)

No offense taken at all. It was looking to be a nasty case but because she was too busy being stoned made it a noncontested case.

[AndyC]

Having been married 3 times in my life, I have had two marriages end by the only two ways they can, divorce and death of a spouse. Divorce is easier that the other.
My first wife, I divorced after catching her in the bed with her crack dealer. Yep, if you have a chance to marry a crackhead, I suggest you pass on that one. I tossed her out of the house nude after I choke slammed him down a flight of stairs. So emotionally I was p**sed off. Then I found out she was sleeping with several other guys to get drug money. One she had break into the appointment after she was tossed out to let her mother and brothers in to take out a lot of the furniture. I later put him in the hospital and permanently disabled him. (fortunately he had some serious warrants out on him so no cops were called) So you can say I had some anger over it.
It was not too nasty because she failed to appear in court. She was either turning tricks for crack money or in a crack house. Don't really care which it was to be honest. I was awarded everything and never had to see her again. Granted years later I did get a chance to beat the crap out of her brothers who tried to take out all the furniture. Even tossed one on a pool table and tried to set it on fire. Learned that felt doesn't reall burn, it jsut melts and smells really bad. (yep, I did get busted for that but charges were dropped when it was discovered that it was 6 of them including her uncle and two cousins who tried to jump me in a bar. This is why realy small out of shape guys should never try to take on a big guy who works on a right of ay crew removing trees. But that was 20 years ago.)

No offense intended meQal, but I am glad you were not my client!  That is the kind of messy, unpleasant, emotional situation that makes lawyers hate doing divorces.  But thanks for sharing your story.

My boss back in the early 90s split with his wife of 20-odd years. He was a newspaper owner-editor, pretty widely despised in the community for being a petty, vindictive, know-it-all bully. His wife was worse, and considerably more antisocial - practically a recluse. In spite of her being the publisher and a regular columnist, I might have met her three or four times.

These two had a huge house, and had made quite a bit of money in the 70s and 80s, which rapidly disappeared in the 90s, between their divorce, a recession and growing competition. I went to one court hearing, when Bob had nearly the entire staff come down and sit in the gallery as some kind of tactic, either intimidation or just as a reminder that lots of people had a stake in the outcome. Both were the victim, both had financial hardships and both presumably b***hed at their closest associates between hearings. I only heard Bob. He had a flair for ranting and for saying things that would shock people and bait them into arguments, so when he ranted, he RANTED. About his wife, her lawyer who only wanted to prolong matters so he could get all her money, and the stupid judge who believed all their lies, and judges are biased toward women anyway.

After a prolonged battle, and months of Bob living in a one-bedroom apartment and driving a heap of rust in order to look broke, it eventually got sorted out. And it actually did Bob a lot of good in terms of his disposition and his manner of dealing with people. He was a much more likable person after that. They must have made each other miserable in the end.

Let's hope you never get a case like that.

[Rev. Powell]

Having been married 3 times in my life, I have had two marriages end by the only two ways they can, divorce and death of a spouse. Divorce is easier that the other.
My first wife, I divorced after catching her in the bed with her crack dealer. Yep, if you have a chance to marry a crackhead, I suggest you pass on that one. I tossed her out of the house nude after I choke slammed him down a flight of stairs. So emotionally I was p**sed off. Then I found out she was sleeping with several other guys to get drug money. One she had break into the appointment after she was tossed out to let her mother and brothers in to take out a lot of the furniture. I later put him in the hospital and permanently disabled him. (fortunately he had some serious warrants out on him so no cops were called) So you can say I had some anger over it.
It was not too nasty because she failed to appear in court. She was either turning tricks for crack money or in a crack house. Don't really care which it was to be honest. I was awarded everything and never had to see her again. Granted years later I did get a chance to beat the crap out of her brothers who tried to take out all the furniture. Even tossed one on a pool table and tried to set it on fire. Learned that felt doesn't reall burn, it jsut melts and smells really bad. (yep, I did get busted for that but charges were dropped when it was discovered that it was 6 of them including her uncle and two cousins who tried to jump me in a bar. This is why realy small out of shape guys should never try to take on a big guy who works on a right of ay crew removing trees. But that was 20 years ago.)

No offense intended meQal, but I am glad you were not my client!  That is the kind of messy, unpleasant, emotional situation that makes lawyers hate doing divorces.  But thanks for sharing your story.

My boss back in the early 90s split with his wife of 20-odd years. He was a newspaper owner-editor, pretty widely despised in the community for being a petty, vindictive, know-it-all bully. His wife was worse, and considerably more antisocial - practically a recluse. In spite of her being the publisher and a regular columnist, I might have met her three or four times.

These two had a huge house, and had made quite a bit of money in the 70s and 80s, which rapidly disappeared in the 90s, between their divorce, a recession and growing competition. I went to one court hearing, when Bob had nearly the entire staff come down and sit in the gallery as some kind of tactic, either intimidation or just as a reminder that lots of people had a stake in the outcome. Both were the victim, both had financial hardships and both presumably b***hed at their closest associates between hearings. I only heard Bob. He had a flair for ranting and for saying things that would shock people and bait them into arguments, so when he ranted, he RANTED. About his wife, her lawyer who only wanted to prolong matters so he could get all her money, and the stupid judge who believed all their lies, and judges are biased toward women anyway.

After a prolonged battle, and months of Bob living in a one-bedroom apartment and driving a heap of rust in order to look broke, it eventually got sorted out. And it actually did Bob a lot of good in terms of his disposition and his manner of dealing with people. He was a much more likable person after that. They must have made each other miserable in the end.

Let's hope you never get a case like that.

His lawyer probably advised him to insult the judge---that's a common tactic. 

[meQal]

...and judges are biased toward women anyway.

A little of topic but that line reminds me of a statement I make often regarding gay marriage. I tell people that if gay marriage ever becomes legal, I want to be in the court room for the first gay divorce just to watch the judge's head explode when he can't figure out whom is suppose to be screwed over based on gender.