Need some advice. Should I ask my dad about.... .?

[BTM]

Like I said, I need some advice.  First, a quick background.  My parents got divorced when I was a toddler.  With the exception of staying a week or two at my dad's house when I was about ten or so, a few visits, a few phone calls, and some letters, I never really heard from him growing up.  He lived in Texas, and we mainly lived in Illinois (and later Missouri.)  He did pay child support (when he wasn't late on it), but that's about it.  

Flash forward to late 2000s, he's comes up here a few times, once  visit to my sister and another time when my grandmother (his mom) passed away.  We've been trading email back and forth on occasion, and I've mainly just been keeping the subject to regular topics, "Hey, how you doing?  What's going on?" just general stuff.

Here's the kicker... throughout my childhood, my dad was in the Air Force.  According to my mom, he could have flown from Texas to Illinois and it wouldn't have cost him anything because of his job.  She also offered to pick him up from the airport and let him stay in our guest room if he wanted to come and visit.  Now, granted, my mom often has this habit of when she's telling a story she'll often tell it in a way that puts her in the best light possible, for example, she'll repeat things she said in a calm voice (even if she actually wasn't speaking calmly at the time) and repeat things other people have said in a whinny nasally voice BUT, she has never, to my knowledge, out and out lied to me when it comes to talking about the past.  

In short, I do believe she did make the offer to allow him to visit.  

And in all those years he never took her up on it.  (He's since long retired/quit/got fired(?) from the Air Force, so he can't now.)  

So, my question is:  Should I ask my dad, hey, is this true?  And if it is true, why didn't you come and visit us?  

On the "Yes I should ask" side: I really think I deserve an answer to this.  I mean, he was my dad and he didn't really do a great job of it, and I'm just wondering why he didn't make a bit more effort to see us kids as we were growing up.  Yes, I know he had two other kids with his new wife, but still.  Then again, maybe there's more to the story, or maybe my mom left out some details.

On the "No" side:  I'm not sure if any answer he could give would really be satisfying.  I mean, you know, nothing can really change the past, and I don't know if knowing the answer to this question can really resolve anything as far as how I feel about the whole subject.

Plus, he just had a heart attack a few months back, I'd hate to cause him undue stress and stuff.  You see, my dad is one of those mopey, excessively negative, often depressed types. I know, me saying that seems like the pot calling the kettle black, but trust me, my dad makes ME look like the Sunshine guy on the Raisin Bran commercials.  Sometimes I hate reading his emails to me, cause the letters are just so damn depressing, a litany of all the misery and problems he's going through without any word on what he's trying to do to FIX said problems.  

I find myself wanting to give him advice and ask him things, "Well, have you tried this?  Or that?"  And then I stop and think, "Wait a minute, he's freaking twenty plus years OLDER than me, and he's my dad nonetheless, I shouldn't HAVE to give him advice, shouldn't that be his job?"  

But again, with the health thing on the horizon, I worry that I might not get the chance to ask if I decided I really want to down the road.  

So, like I said, what do you guys think?  And does anyone hear have any similar experiences growing up in a divorced household?

[dean]

I haven't been in the divorced household situation, so take anything I say with a grain of salt.

If it's something you want to talk about, then you should ask him, but like you say, the answer may not be that satisfying anyway [a few words rarely makes up for years of absence]. 

I guess ultimately it depends on how close you two are now that you are in semi-regular contact.  No matter what you should judge your father on who he is to you today, not who he was for you in the past, and I would suggest you frame that question with those terms in mind.

As we all know, nobody is perfect, and based on your comments about him I figure you can guess a few possible answers anyways. 

[Trevor]

I agree with what Dean says, BTM. 

[Jack]

Personally I wouldn't ask him, because I think you already know the answer.

[3mnkids]

I agree with Jack.  Besides, any answer you get probably isnt going to satisfy you. If he says yeah, I had another family and just didn't have time for you or he says nope, your mom is being dishonest.... neither of those are going to make you feel better.

For whatever reason he wasn't willing or able to visit more often but that is in the past. You currently have a relationship with him so just look forward.

Good luck to you. Dealing with parents who haven't done the right thing is difficult.

[Trevor]

Dealing with parents who haven't done the right thing is difficult.

I've often wondered what I would do or say to my biological parents who abused and abandoned me..........I would probably hurt them. Badly.

[Menard]

Ask him.


My answer may seem relatively abrupt, pointed; in the end, though, if something happened to him and you never asked, that would leave you with a question for the remainder of your life.

Many of us as we get older, we make mistakes...sometimes lots of them...we would love to go back, with a foreknowledge of later regrets, and not make those mistakes; but, we can't.

You may well know the answer to the question; you may not. I'd guess that you probably have a good idea of what the answer may be, if the answer is honest. The answer may even lead to other questions.

The one thing that will be left if you never ask...is that you never asked.

One illustration I heard from a minister once was about a meeting of devils. In this meeting, these devils were discussing ways to lead people astray. Of course, they each came up with their own devious answers, but then this one old, wise devil spoke up saying " let's just tell them...there's time".

There's time to make mistakes, there's time for regrets, but the now is the time for closure, for not leaving questions unasked, for not later wishing you had asked regardless of how satisfactory or honest the answer may have been.

Of course, it is up to you. Compared to you I'm much older. Some of us older people may seem like fools rambling on about things we should have better; and you're right, if when listening to an old fool you think you can do better, you can.

[Nukie 2]

I wouldn't, if he's never mad any real attempt to be close to you don't bother.
Don't try to fight for his approval, especially if they're a whiny bum.

I know exactly how you feel.

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

You should ask him. I want to know what he says.

[Newt]

Ask him.


My answer may seem relatively abrupt, pointed; in the end, though, if something happened to him and you never asked, that would leave you with a question for the remainder of your life.

Many of us as we get older, we make mistakes...sometimes lots of them...we would love to go back, with a foreknowledge of later regrets, and not make those mistakes; but, we can't.

You may well know the answer to the question; you may not. I'd guess that you probably have a good idea of what the answer may be, if the answer is honest. The answer may even lead to other questions.

The one thing that will be left if you never ask...is that you never asked.

One illustration I heard from a minister once was about a meeting of devils. In this meeting, these devils were discussing ways to lead people astray. Of course, they each came up with their own devious answers, but then this one old, wise devil spoke up saying " let's just tell them...there's time".

There's time to make mistakes, there's time for regrets, but the now is the time for closure, for not leaving questions unasked, for not later wishing you had asked regardless of how satisfactory or honest the answer may have been.

Of course, it is up to you. Compared to you I'm much older. Some of us older people may seem like fools rambling on about things we should have better; and you're right, if when listening to an old fool you think you can do better, you can.

Menard: I am in awe, sir.  Thank you for a beautiful post.   

[macabre]

hi
First please let me commend you on your attitude towards this problem.The way you have approached this is very mature and positive,I applaud you for that.You mention that you have minimum contact with your dad,only via emails.During these emails i doubt your dad has ever asked for forgiveness or apologised for his behavior and yet you are anguished over this desire to ask him this question.I  do not know you on a personal level and yet you come across as a very sensible and mature person,you should not lose any sleep over this problem if you strongly need to find an answer then go ahead and ask,if on the other end you realise that your dad has never been there for you and perhaps he has made empty promises then just continue as you are and try and forget it.
In life you will be faced with many awkward questions,some need to be asked whilst some through common sense may be avoided. You are right to ask for advice but in the end only you will have to live with the answer,whatever that may be.

good luck and god bless..

[BTM]

I think everyone for the advice they've given.  I sent off a generic "Hey, how you doing" letter to my dad a few days ago, and I'm going to await a response from that before I make my final decision.  

Some people have said I already know the answer, but I really don't.  I know some possible answers, but not for sure.  

I remember years ago when my mother and I visited my grandmother (dad's mom) they got to talking about him and mom said she didn't think dad ever got over her.  

My friend John put forth the theory that maybe my dad was actually a secret agent, and couldn't visit much due to the commitment of his job.  

(Yeah, what's hilarious is my friend may have been semi-serious.  It's hard to tell sometimes when he's putting me on or not.  Course, my friend also believes 9-11 was an inside job, Chris Benoit really didn't kill his family, it was one of his wrestling rivals, and the proliferation of cell phones are killing ghosts.  What's crazy is he's actually a pretty intelligent guy, he just has a habit of latching on to crazy theories.)  

Anyway, I'll keep everyone posted.  Thanks again.

[Ed, Ego and Superego]

I have never been in such a postion, but we all have to, as adults, sort out our relationships with our parents.  You are (I assume) old enough to decide what you want out of this and to decide if its worth the time and maybe pain to initiate contact.   It could get ugly, but make it something you choose to do.  Some friends of mine have contacted absentee parents with good, bad and indifferent results.  Maybe you'll win.
-Ed

[Flick James]

BTM, your situation growing up is nearly identical to my own. I've had a very strained and distant relationship with my father, maybe I saw him a little more than you did yours, but pretty similar overall. And yes, my mother has never directly bad-mouthed him, but she has painted a picture similar to your situation.

It all depends on you. The simple question is: do you want a relationship with your father? There's no right or wrong answer there. You either do or you don't. If you do, then I would recommend starting simple and slow. Just make a sincere attempt to open up the lines of communication with your father, and then leave the ball in his court. If he wants a relationship, then he'll return the ball. If he does, take it slow, and in time you'll be able to get some answers. On the other hand, if you're not really interested in a relationship with him, but you want closure (which I totally understand), then maybe you can just put it to him. Just be aware that he may not be willing to discuss it, or may have severe feelings of defensiveness or guilt, in which case you're probably not going to get much closure.

Good luck, my man. I'm trying to open up a relationship with my father, and I'm running into some very deep-seeded guilt and defensiveness from him, but I feel confident it's temporary. We'll see.

[retrorussell]

If I were you, I wouldn't ask the question.  Him being a negative person, it's probably not good to make him feel worse about having to give an answer.  It's really better to just move forward, and set up a time you could meet for lunch, go to a football/basketball/whatever game, play some golf, whatever.  Better late than never to bond with your dad.

Good luck!