The results are in! The moment everyone has been waiting for. Not. Here we go anyway. The best and worst in bad cinema watched for the first time in 2010:
WORST MOVIE
1. WINNER: 2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams (2010)
2. RUNNER UP: The Silencer (1992)
3. Shatter Dead (1994)
4. Zero in and Scream (1971)
5. Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (2009)
2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams will put any Subrosa release to shame. Yes, it's THAT awful.
BEST BAD TAGLINE
1. WINNER: Some cases should never be opened ~ Case 39 (2009)
2. RUNNER UP: This time it's spreading ~ Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009)
3. Eight troubled young people. Six days community service. It's gonna be a bear ~ Grizzly Park (2008)
4. If They Kill You, They Will Come! ~ 2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams (2010)
5. In Life Nothing is Real ~ The Conspiracy of Fear (1996)
THE "I DID IT FOR THE MONEY" AWARD
1. WINNER: Deborah Gibson ~ Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (2009)
2. RUNNER UP: Tiffany ~ Mega Piranha (2010)
3. Lin Shaye ~ 2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams (2010)
4. Renée Zellweger ~ Case 39 (2009)
5. Dennis Quaid ~ Legion (2010)
Debbie & Tiffany duking it out on the little screen to see who can star in the biggest turd. Debbie wins hands down because Mega Shark is just, you know, Mega s**t.
MOST DISTURBING SEX SCENEOutstanding achievements in the bump and grind department.
1. WINNER: All the sex and sexual innuendo ~ Samurai Cop (1989)
2. RUNNER UP: Sylvester Stallone and Sharon Stone's floor acrobatics ~ The Specialist (1994)
3. Butt-raped by hermaphrodite angel ~ Shatter Dead (1994)
4. Gruesome Foursome ~ Wicked Lake (2008)
5. Deborah Gibson flirting with random Asian ~ Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (2009)
THE "WTF?" PERFORMANCE AWARD1. WINNER: Mark Frazer ~ Samurai Cop (1989)
2. RUNNER UP: Paul Logan ~ Mega Piranha (2010)
3. Dennis Quaid ~ Legion (2010)
4. Steven Seagal ~ Fire Down Below (1997)
5. Jim Kelly ~ Hot Potato (1976)
Mark Frazer, the king of reaction shots. That deserved an award of some sorts. Paul Logan? abs of steel - acts of corny.
BEST VILLAIN
1. WINNER: Will Patton ~ The Fourth Kind (2009)
2. RUNNER UP: Robert Z'Dar ~ Samurai Cop (1989)
3. Elizabeth Stuart ~ Policewomen (1974)
4. Jodelle Ferland ~ Case 39 (2009)
5. Chris Mulkey ~ The Silencer (1992)
Will Patton plays the a***ole. In a cop suit no less.
STANDOUT MOMENT
STANDOUT MOMENT
1. WINNER: Fish Kick ~ Mega Piranha (2010)
2. RUNNER UP: Bathroom Madness ~ Case 39 (2009)
3. Beach Brawl ~ The Horror of Party Beach (1964)
4. Toy Attack ~ Hot Potato (1976)
5. Vagina Split ~ 2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams (2010)
BEST CREATURE FEATURE
1. WINNER: Mega Piranha (2010)
2. RUNNER UP The Horror of Party Beach (1964)
3. Grizzly Park (2008)
3. Sand Serpents (2009)
5. The Lost Tribe (2009)
Mega Piranha is everything the trailer promised, and more. The classy Horror of Party Beach comes in a close second.
BEST ACTION MOVIE1. WINNER: Samurai Cop (1989)
2. RUNNER UP: The Conspiracy of Fear (1996)
3. Policewomen (1974)
4. Hot Potato (1976)
5. Pighunt (2008)
Believe the hype, Samurai Cop is an instant classic. Most underrated instant classic? The Conspiracy of Fear.
BEST HORROR MOVIE
1. WINNER: Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp (2003)
2. RUNNER UP: The Horror of Party Beach (1964)
3. The Final Destination (2009)
4. Detour (2003)
5. Case 39 (2009)
High camp values in Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp but you also get solid genre off-ripping. The adorable naive The Horror of Party Beach comes in second again.
BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS
1. WINNER: Legion (2010)
2. RUNNER UP: Pighunt (2008)
3. Sand Serpents (2009)
4. The Final Destination (2009)
5. 2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams (2010)
BEST MALE PERFORMANCE
1. WINNER: Aaron Buer ~ Detour (2003)
2. RUNNER UP: Callum Keith Rennie ~ Case 39 (2009)
3. Will Patton ~ The Fourth Kind (2009)
4. Joel Bryant ~ Baby Blues (2008)
5. Chris Mulkey ~ The Silencer (1992)
Wanksta Aaron Buer nailed it perfectly in Detour. My respect to Callum Keith Rennie's intimidating dark performance in Case 39.
BEST FEMALE PERFORMANCE1. WINNER: Colleen Porch ~ Baby Blues (2008)
2. RUNNER UP: Michelle Asante ~ Sand Serpents (2009)
3. Emily Foxler ~ Grizzly Park (2008)
4. Tiffany Shepis ~ Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp (2003)
5. Jodelle Ferland ~ Case 39 (2009)
Colleen Porch's deranged mom performance in Baby Blues is a stunner, and I tip my hat to Michelle Asante for stealing the show in Sand Serpents.
BEST DIRECTOR1. WINNER: David R. Ellis ~ The Final Destination (2009)
2. RUNNER UP: Lee Frost ~ Policewomen (1974)
3. John Eyres ~ The Conspiracy of Fear (1996)
4. Steve Taylor ~ Detour (2003)
5. Tom Skull ~ Grizzly Park (2008)
Genre veteran David R. Ellis made The Final Destination worthwhile and in 3D to boot. A Posthumous note to Lee Frost: Policewomen is awesome.
BEST MOVIE
1. WINNER: Samurai Cop (1989)
2. RUNNER UP: Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp (2003)
3. The Horror of Party Beach (1964)
4. The Conspiracy of Fear (1996)
5. Policewomen (1974)
I'm on my knees because Samurai Cop is so praise-worthy. Outstanding cheese. Congrats!
THE "PLEASE CAN WE HAVE MORE SLEAZE?" AWARDWINNER: Zero in and Scream (1971)
Zero out and Sleep. This movie is so odd yet bad yet too sleazy for its own good? Either way, it was the only movie I watched in 2010 oozing with bad filth.
SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENT AWARD
Robert Z'Dar. For always giving good face.
