Foot-In-Mouth Syndrome

[Flick James]

We've all done it. We've all said things that weren't intended to be taken a certain way, but due to the situation, being taken out of context, or just plain old poor choice of timing, we've offended somebody or just plain felt embarassed.

I thought it might be fun and amusing to share your best foot-in-mouth stories. Here's one:

I was dating a girl many years ago that I really liked. It was about the 4th date, things were going well, and she invited me to attend a friend's wedding and reception with her. So, we attend the ceremony and later we're sitting at a table at a somewhat informal outdoor reception.

At the time I had this habitual figure of speech that I always used whenever anybody would ask me for something, to borrow or whatever. I would always say "take two, they're small." It was a light-hearted, if not particularly funny, way of trying to exhibit generosity. Like if somebody was at my place and said "can I have a glass of water," I would say "Take two, they're small." IT was just something I did on a regular basis without even thinking about it.

So back to the reception. Things were going well, I was meeting people, many of whom were friends of my date, and they all seemed to approve of me. So far, so good.

So I feel a hand on my shoulder and a voice behind me saying "can I take one of these chairs?" obviously referring to the unoccupied chairs that were immediately to my left. As per habit I say as I'm turning around "Take two, they're small."

Just as I'm turning around I notice that the person asking was a rather large woman, who also happened to be an aunt of the bride.

Indignantly, she replies "that's okay, I can fit on one."

I felt like the schmuck of the universe at that point. At that point I realized anything else I said would just put me deeper in the hole, so I said nothing. There were a couple of uncomfortable chuckles at the table after she left, but they were more nervous chuckles and clearly my comment was not appreciated, even if some of the people sitting there figured out that it wasn't intended in that way. I spent the rest of the reception slinking around and thinking (perhaps accurately) that the word of my unfortunate comment had travelled and everybody there thought I was a complete dick.

I explained it to my date, and she was pretty understanding, but I think there had been some damage done that was irreparable.

In retrospect there's definately some comedy there, but at the time that was one uncomfortable day.

[The Burgomaster]

* About 22 years ago, I was working for FLORSHEIM SHOES and a guy in a wheelchair came in.  He picked out a pair of shoes and I put them on his feet and laced them up.  I said, "How do they feel?"  He replied, "I don't know, I can't feel anything from the waist down."  Boy, did I feel awful.

* I was working in a video rental store around 1986.  One of our regular customers had a metal hook hand.  He was in the back of the store browsing and apparently the guy I was working with didn't see him.  My co-worker and I started talking about porno movies.  Suddenly, my co-worker blurted out, "Yeah, I like the real hardcore ones with amputees and stuff in them."  The guy with the hook hand was only about 30 feet away, so he probably heard this comment.  But he didn't say anything.

[Flick James]

* About 22 years ago, I was working for FLORSHEIM SHOES and a guy in a wheelchair came in.  He picked out a pair of shoes and I put them on his feet and laced them up.  I said, "How do they feel?"  He replied, "I don't know, I can't feel anything from the waist down."  Boy, did I feel awful.

* I was working in a video rental store around 1986.  One of our regular customers had a metal hook hand.  He was in the back of the store browsing and apparently the guy I was working with didn't see him.  My co-worker and I started talking about porno movies.  Suddenly, my co-worker blurted out, "Yeah, I like the real hardcore ones with amputees and stuff in them."  The guy with the hook hand was only about 30 feet away, so he probably heard this comment.  But he didn't say anything.

hehe. The shoes scenario is something that would happen to me. Something you probably said a gazillion times and this time it just plain didn't work out.

[Mr. DS]

Many moons ago, I recall working a night shift in retail and frantically looking for a broom that should have been in the janitor's closet.  It was a snowy night so not a lot of people were coming in and I think we were near closing time.  Finally after 10 minutes of searching I found it in the cosmetics department.  PO'd I shouted to myself, "who left this here, these people are midlly retarded..."  I turn around to see...yep you guessed it, a group of mentally challenged people coming in the door with their caretakers.  I felt like a super d!ck and from that point I never use the term "retarded" if I can help it to describe something. 

[claws]

Years ago I went with a friend of mine to the movies and they were showing a preview of Titanic. My friend asked me if I had any plans of seeing Titanic and I said I'd rather kill myself. My friend's stepbrother who he was very close with committed suicide two weeks prior and that had slipped my mind completely. After an awkward minute of silence I apologized but still felt like an idiot for the rest of the evening.
On a sidenote, I ended up watching Titanic twice at the Theater.

[AndyC]

Many moons ago, I recall working a night shift in retail and frantically looking for a broom that should have been in the janitor's closet.  It was a snowy night so not a lot of people were coming in and I think we were near closing time.  Finally after 10 minutes of searching I found it in the cosmetics department.  PO'd I shouted to myself, "who left this here, these people are midlly retarded..."  I turn around to see...yep you guessed it, a group of mentally challenged people coming in the door with their caretakers.  I felt like a super d!ck and from that point I never use the term "retarded" if I can help it to describe something. 

Yeah, I get annoyed at the use of the word "retarded" as a term of contempt or derision, or just a synonym for "stupid." Plenty of other words fit that bill, without insulting handicapped people, especially those who might be more susceptible than most to having their feelings hurt by it.

I once said "There's nothing worse than a reformed drunk" to a co-worker who happened to be a reformed alcoholic. I wanted to crawl into a hole when she told me that. At least she understood what I meant, and that it didn't apply to her personally.

[Newt]

My husband has foot-in-mouth syndrome in its most extreme form.  Can't take him anywhere.    His eyes and mouth are not on the same circuit as the thinking part of his brain.  One evening we were on the subway and a group of people got on at a station after us.  They happened to be from a school or group home and most of them (aside from the people clearly in charge) had all the visible signs of Down's Syndrome.  After they sat down, all around us, Gary turned to me and said - in all innocence, he was truly unaware - "Where's Mongolia?"  And then he was totally baffled as to why I was trying so desperately to hush him up!

[Flick James]

My husband has foot-in-mouth syndrome in its most extreme form.  Can't take him anywhere.    His eyes and mouth are not on the same circuit as the thinking part of his brain.  One evening we were on the subway and a group of people got on at a station after us.  They happened to be from a school or group home and most of them (aside from the people clearly in charge) had all the visible signs of Down's Syndrome.  After they sat down, all around us, Gary turned to me and said - in all innocence, he was truly unaware - "Where's Mongolia?"  And then he was totally baffled as to why I was trying so desperately to hush him up!

I myself suffer from periodic lapses in situational awareness.