Insults from long ago?

[Trevor]

I took my [un]fair share of these back in school, being quiet, different from the others etc but I also dished out a few of my own such as

"Sit down, you make the place look untidy!"  and when someone stared at me for too long, I would grab my shirt and say to the person "Is this yours?" 

[Killer Bees]

I don't know why, but when I was about 10 years old, the most insulting thing you could say at my school was "shut up you big Shut Up!"   

A classic Aussie insult is:  "if my dog had a face like that, I'd shave it's@rse and make it walk backwards".   

More Aussieisms:  I've seen better legs on a chair, he's as crazy as a two-bob watch, she's as ugly as a hatful of @rseholes, I've seen a better head on a mug of beer, he's as mad as a cut snake.  And when someone is being stupid ranting about nothing, we say he's carrying on like a pork chop.   

Guys, if you are caught admiring a pretty woman who is not your current romantic partner and she gets upset, you can always say in your defence:  "just because I'm tied to the front porch, doesn't mean I can't bark at passing cars" 

You're welcome!   

[Trevor]

A classic Aussie insult is:  "if my dog had a face like that, I'd shave it's@rse and make it walk backwards".   

 

There's a book in our library here called Hogan: The Story of A Son of Oz and it has about four pages of insults and Aussie sayings. One of my faves is two guys discussing betting:

How's the punting, mate?
Nah, no luck. If it was raining palaces, I'd get hit by a dunny door. 

[Killer Bees]

Yep, that sounds Aussie to me  lol     

[indianasmith]

"So ugly he has to sneak up on a water fountain to get a drink."
"Ugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt road."
"Snuck into the gene pool when the life guard wasn't looking."
"Dumber than a bag of hammers."

[Trevor]

"Snuck into the gene pool when the life guard wasn't looking."

 

[Mr. DS]

I've always like "your ugly and your mom dresses you funny".  I used to have a button with that on it.

[El Misfit]

"YOU NARF!"
My friend said that to his little bro when he got beat up by a smaller French kid 

[Raffine]

Jed Clampet once wisely said "You could throw her in a lake and skim ugly for a week".

I was very skinny as a kid (still am) and my dad used to say I could stand under a clothesline during a rain storm and stay dry.  My brother's 'grown up' teeth came in very crooked (fixed with those Rube Goldberg 70s braces) and my dad would tell him he could eat corn-on-the-cob through a picket fence.

On Easter he would tell us he'd ran over the Easter Bunny and on Christmas that he'd shot a big fat man in a red suit who was climbing around on the chimney.

My dad was a funny man. 

[Doggett]

Here is a classic from my childhood:


You're a curly, whirly, disconected, brain affected dodo.


 

[AndyC]

Guys, if you are caught admiring a pretty woman who is not your current romantic partner and she gets upset, you can always say in your defence:  "just because I'm tied to the front porch, doesn't mean I can't bark at passing cars" 

Where I come from, the saying is "It's alright to look at the menu, as long as you eat at home."

My dad was fond of the "eat an apple through a picket fence" line for buck teeth. He also liked "He's so ugly, his mother had to tie a pork chop around his neck to get the dog to play with him."

Another one Dad used was referring to a particularly ugly woman as a "two-bagger." That is to say, if you want to get it on with her, you not only have to put a bag over her head, but also wear one yourself, in case hers falls off.

The alternative to a two-bagger was a "coyote." If you wake up with your arm around her, you'll chew it off to get away without waking her.

[Flick James]

Oh, man, this comeback insult is a bit over-the-top, so if you offend easily you can move on.

When I was going through Navy basic training in 1998, a particularly homophobic fellow recruit (a ways back into the don't ask don't tell days) said to our division commander (same as drill instructor) a typical crusty Navy Chief Petty Officer, in front of the whole division, "what do I do if I know my rackmate (bunkmate) is gay and I want to be assigned to a different rack?"

Well, I guess it's his fault for setting himself up like that in front of everyone, but our chief, without a moment of hesititation, replied:

"How do you know he's gay? Does his dick taste like s**t?"

  

Very off-color, I know. Sorry.

[The Burgomaster]

This happened when I was in junior high school.  I was riding home on the school bus and there was a girl from our class walking down the street.  One of the boys on the bus opened yelled out the window, "Nice ass!"  Then he added, "Too bad your face looks like it."

[Ed, Ego and Superego]

Oh man... "she's as ugly as a hatful of @rseholes"
Thats amazing stuff.  



At first I thought we'd be seeing stuff like "Thou muddle pated snatch-pastry of a varlet" or some such thing

[AndyC]

Kids can make an insult out of any name. I used to get called "Campbell Soup" an awful lot. Worse still, there was a chant:

Campbell Soup
Makes me poop
Down my leg and in my boot
On the floor
Out the door
I don't want any more

Very hurtful at the time, but in hindsight, a work of genius that makes me giggle.