SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR POOPING AT WORK

[The Burgomaster]

CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

[Flick James]

Thanks for that, Burgo, that was hilarious. Especially:

TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

One of life worst moments.

CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

I freely admit I use the CAMO-COUGH. I am definately NOT an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.

Here's another one thing that freaks me out, but I don't have a moniker to give it. What about the guy that talks on his cell-phone while in the stall? What's up with that? That is just very creepy. Who wants to hold a private phone conversation in that special hell of reverberation called the public bathroom? WHO IS THIS PERSON!

[Ed, Ego and Superego]

THanks for this, its time someone helped out here.

[retrorussell]

Here's another one thing that freaks me out, but I don't have a moniker to give it. What about the guy that talks on his cell-phone while in the stall? What's up with that? That is just very creepy. Who wants to hold a private phone conversation in that special hell of reverberation called the public bathroom? WHO IS THIS PERSON!

Agreed!  I could just see a conversation like this:
"So I came back from Lisa's baby shower at about 2 and I was stuck in traffic behind this really rude guy.. oh, hold on a second.  Urgh.. Uuuuuurgh!  GNNYAAAAHHH!!! (ploosh)  Oh, I'm sorry.  Where was I?  Oh yeah.  Anyway this guy starts wailing on his-- oh God not again.. NGARRRRRRHHHH!!!  Whew!  What was I saying again?"

[Jack]

SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

There are only about two people who work on the first floor of our office building.   

WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.

Oh yeah, those and the HAVANA OMELET are the worst.  I'll sit in there for another 10 minutes afterwards so as to conceal my identity to the maximum degree possible, then come up with a non-bathroom related cover story to explain my whereabouts.

[bob]

What is the etqiuette about spraying/putting on the air vent?

[Mr. DS]

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

Dats me    I however hate other Out Of The Closet Poopers.  Especially when they stink up the bathroom before I get in there to do my business.  Which brings me to...

FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

I scout out bathrooms at work constantly.  My mission is to find the one no one uses to ensure some gangly mother f'r wasn't in there before stinking it up and getting sh!t stains around the rim.

I've seen a lot of these before and they've never failed to make me laugh.  There was one definition that wasn't on the list that I use all time.

SAFETY NETTING - the act putting enough toilet paper in the toilet to avoid backsplash when taking a dump.

I also lay the protective layer on the seat of toilet paper.  Not sure if there is a term for that.

[Paquita]

We sent this around work years ago, and printed it out and pinned it on our cubicles!  I work on the smallest floor so there's only 2 stalls in our bathroom and it's 90% women on our floor, so there's no real safe haven here and we always have Uncle Teds and Turd Burglers. Being part of the PFN I have to do a Fly By twice a day and report back to the others.  There used to be these 2 Uncle Ted ladies that would come in and do their hair and make-up like 4 times a day.. man we hated them.  I'm a little too shy for the Astaire or the Camo-cough, so instead I loudly fiddle with the toilet paper roll, I find that effective because not only do they realize someone's in there, but now they feel bad because it sounds like I'm rushing to finish up because I've been interrupted.

I also lay the protective layer on the seat of toilet paper.  Not sure if there is a term for that.

I call that Making a Nest  .

[Mr. DS]

Quote from: The DarkSider on Today at 08:04:00 PM
I also lay the protective layer on the seat of toilet paper.  Not sure if there is a term for that.


I call that Making a Nest  .

 I for some reason think my buttocks will be safe from evil germs if I lay this down.  Plus, its a bit more comfy.  However, the damn job usually ends up shifting when I sit down.  I feel bad for you ladies when it comes to this aspect of public restroom useage.    At least us guys get to stand when we pee.

[Killer Bees]

That was completely hilarious. 

You men are such big girls 

It's just pooping.  Your body is a machine, it takes in energy, expends energy and produces waste.

Women don't worry about smelling up the toilets.  We always have a cheap spray perfume in our bags and use it if we make any smells (or am I the only one who does that?).

[Mr. DS]

That was completely hilarious.  

You men are such big girls  

It's just pooping.  Your body is a machine, it takes in energy, expends energy and produces waste.

Women don't worry about smelling up the toilets.  We always have a cheap spray perfume in our bags and use it if we make any smells (or am I the only one who does that?).

What? Women poop?

[The Burgomaster]

Here's another one thing that freaks me out, but I don't have a moniker to give it. What about the guy that talks on his cell-phone while in the stall? What's up with that? That is just very creepy. Who wants to hold a private phone conversation in that special hell of reverberation called the public bathroom? WHO IS THIS PERSON!

I hear this all the time in my office building.  There's a company down the hall and a guy who works there actually conducts business calls while he's on the throne.

[hudders]

There is a guy in our building who I think must be the building manager, he is *always* in the bathroom washing his hands. On the odd one or two occasions I go in there and he isn't mid-handwash I assume he's doing something similar on another floor.

I don't understand why you'd need to put paper on the seat. If there isn't anything on it, what's the point? It seems like a massive waste. Just don't think about it.

[Trevor]

I try not to poo (can't believe I'm typing this  ) at work as we are in a building that is almost eighty years old and the plumbing is not that great. I go in the morning and in the evening.

[hudders]

I try not to poo (can't believe I'm typing this  ) at work

Think of it like this:

Poo at work = getting paid to poo.