Some Sad News

[Flick James]

My father has been diagnosed with lung cancer. It is inoperable, and incurable. Chemo-therapy can only slow it down, but at the cost of quality of life. My father is deciding against chemo, and because he is broke, hospice care is not an option. He is quite stoic about it. He fully acknowledges that a lifetime of smoking and abusing his body has resulted in this, he doesn't want any pity, and doesn't want a lot of family gathering around him as he passes. He has lost a lot of weight, is in bad shape, and doesn't want anybody to see him this way.

I respect his wishes, but would like to see him one last time. He lives in Kansas, and I've never had the closest relationship with him. He can be a very distant man. I'm trying to figure out a way to see him, but I also want to respect his wishes. Despite our questionable relationship, he's still my Dad. I'm not sure what to do.

He could go within weeks. I have a trip to Michigan coming up next week for the holidays, and I have no plans to disrupt it. Christmas with my wife and boys is extremely important to me. My sons have never met him, and are too young for funerals, so if I left for one I would be going alone.

It's very sad and it's depressing mostly because it is a broken relationship. He has always been a distant man and has made a lot of mistakes and was not good to my mother. He was good enough to realize that leaving my mother was the best thing he could do for her, and despite a few ugly break-up scenes, everybody got on with their lives and were better for it. However, we never really got past the problems and truly bonded. I think were are just too different. Broken family relationships are always sad.

I don't know. We'll see how the next few weeks progress.

[Rev. Powell]

Sorry to hear that, Flick.

For what it's worth I think you should make the effort to see your Dad.  He may change his mind.  The "gathering around the bedside" ritual isn't for the benefit of the person who's dying, it's for the living.  Personally, I think you have more of a right to be selfish in this matter than he does.

[Zapranoth]

Flick,

For what it's worth, I agree.  My opinion is that you must go and see him.  Make it sooner rather than later, whatever other plans intervene, too.    We're not good at predicting how much time people have until time is very very short.  :(   I am so sorry.  I lost my father to cancer seven years ago, and I am only forty.

[indianasmith]

I am sorry to hear it, my friend.  I agree with the others - you need to see him if you can.  "Closure" has become a cliche, but it is also a necessity.  I am seeing my Dad - the man I love and admire more than anyone else in this world - slowly deteriorating mentally and physically, and it's breaking my heart.  But I still drop by as often as I can to visit him and try to offer encouragement and love.  I am sorry your relationship with your Dad has not been better, but he is still the only Dad you have - don't let him go without saying goodbye.

[Mofo Rising]

Like everybody else, I'm sorry to hear that, Flick James. Lung cancer is tough, very tough.

I agree that you should see him. There are times when you should overstep the bounds of decorum, and this is one of them. People often say they want one thing, but need another. A physical presence can mean more than words can ever say. It doesn't need to be a big production, and past grievances don't need to be resolved. Just being there and seeing him before the end may be enough.

Of course, I know nothing of your relationship, and it is your decision. This is my unasked for opinion (and I really don't want to overstep any bounds), but making the journey to see your estranged father will probably be one of those things that you would rather have done than not.

Whatever you decide, our thoughts are with you.

[RCMerchant]

Dam.
I have a TERRIBLE relationship with my Dad-but if it came down to the wire-and he was dying-I would go see him.
I may not like him-but he's still my Dad.
I'm very sorry.
Do what you feel right about.

[Trevor]

Flick ~ sorry to hear about your Dad. 

My advice to you is this: go see him as soon as possible. I don't know how far Kansas is from where you are but try and go see him, even if he doesn't want to see anyone. Say what has to be said, let him know how you feel and leave it there.

If he has to go, make sure he knows that you love him, no matter what differences there may be between you. That might ease his way.

I was always terrified of my Dad ~ he would have been quite upset if he knew that ~ but my love for him and vice versa was never in question. Ever.

All my good wishes, buddy. 

[Flick James]

Thanks everyone. 

My wife is encouraging me to see him as well. Since she and the boys will be more than adequately taken care of with her parents in Michigan, I think I will take a couple of days to fly over and see him.

[Cthulhu]

I'm sorry to hear that Flick.
You should go and see him. Talk with him.

[bob]

So sorry to hear that Flick. I urge you to see him before it's too late.

[The Burgomaster]

Sorry to hear about this.  I'm sending some positive thoughts your way.

[tracy]

Thanks everyone. 

My wife is encouraging me to see him as well. Since she and the boys will be more than adequately taken care of with her parents in Michigan, I think I will take a couple of days to fly over and see him.

Your wife is right,honey....go see him. He needs you to be there for him,even if he isn't sure of it. God Bless!

[the Rev. J. Darkside]

I never got to see my grandmother or my uncle before they passed from cancer and heart disease, respectively, and I regret that. Here's hoping that you have fewer regrets than I.

[Ed, Ego and Superego]

Such highs and lows, good luck my friend.
-Ed

[Allhallowsday]

The relationship you describe with your father, his treatment of your mother, the distance, all sounds familiar.  My poor father is gone nearly 20 years, and I still feel angry with his poor choices.  Somehow I believe he didn't realize what he'd done to all of us, or that none of his children recognized that he loved them and wanted a relationship with each of us. 

I understand the desire NOT to have the bedside vigil, and though the Rev is right, such things are for the living, but depending upon the person, it can serve the dying too.  Even if it is just a last visit.  It demonstrates despite anything that you care. 

I agree with everyone who suggested you make a point to visit him.  My advice would be to take the high road and focus on small things.  Little things really do mean a lot.