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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Movies  |  Bad Movies  |  TALES OF AN ANCIENT EMPIRE (2011) « previous next »
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Author Topic: TALES OF AN ANCIENT EMPIRE (2011)  (Read 1481 times)
indianasmith
Archeologist, Theologian, Elder Scrolls Addict, and a
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
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Posts: 8172


A good bad movie is like popcorn for the soul!


« on: January 28, 2012, 12:34:03 AM »

Sadness.  Revulsion.  Unutterable shame.  Bitter disappointment. 
I WAITED 30 YEARS FOR THIS MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!! Hatred Hatred Hatred Hatred

I still remember that fine day, 30 years ago, when I was 18, watching Talon and his men ride off into the sunset with those immortal words ringing in my ears: "Ride then! On to Maladon, to save Lambosia's kingdom!  We have kingdoms to save and women to love!!!"

Then it came, crawling across the screen in big, bold, Gothic letters:
SEE TALON'S NEXT ADVENTURE IN . . .  TALES OF THE ANCIENT EMPIRE!
COMING SOON!

They lied.  It didn't come soon.  And when it finally got here, it sucked.

Here is the nearest sense I can make out of this train wreck of a sword and sorcery movie:
First of all, Talon is nowhere in it that I can tell.  The only recurring name is that of King Lambosia, who dies before the story begins.  Then . . . let's see.  We have a ridiculously long, badly animated intro that takes 10 minutes to get to the title of the movie.  Some sorcerer named Xusia (no resemblance to the original Xusia in the last movie) has a vampire daughter names Xia who tries to seduce a famous mercenary hero who slashes his way through all their minions, kills Xusia, then boinks his daughter so that she has a child who is half human, half vampire.  Then he kills the vampire and puts her dust in an empty coffin.  20 years later the vampire queen Xia resurrects somehow, kills the reigning queen, and takes over the Kingdom.  The queen's half sister, sired by the vampire slaying mercenary, rides off to find her three half siblings and destroy Xia before she can open a portal to let in vampire demons who will destroy humanity.  Yadadadadadadada.

Bad lighting (every outside scene is a dusty yellow color).  Incredibly bad special effects.  Lame dialogue.  Jerky, incomprehensible storyline.  Despicable characters.  Unsatisfying ending.  There simply was not one enjoyable moment in this entire godawful movie.

STAY AWAY!!!! IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME BUT YOU CAN SAVE YOURSELVES.  RUNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Logged

"Carpe diem!" - Seize the day!  "Carpe per diem!" - Seize the daily living allowance! "Carpe carp!" - Seize the fish!
"Carpe Ngo Diem!" - Seize the South Vietnamese Dictator!
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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Movies  |  Bad Movies  |  TALES OF AN ANCIENT EMPIRE (2011) « previous next »
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